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Question Some people argue that the government should spend money only on medical care and education, but not on theatres or sports stadiums. Do you agree or disagree

Question Some people argue that the government should spend money only on medical care and education, but not on theatres or sports stadiums. Do you agree or disagree

Many claim that the high-ranking leaders ought to allocate a great deal of monetary policies to building facilities and amenities including education sectors in lieu of investments in recreational places. While I acknowledge the reason for this notion because of fostering the economy, I would assert that the states also spend their money on entertainment buildings due to the improvement of people’s psychological well-being
On the one hand, it is understandable why it is believed that public health and schooling aspects ought to be paid attention by the government. The main reason behind this could be the development of the overall economic situation. With the aim of breaking the poverty and destitution circle, they should put erecting essential sectors that would definitely assist citizens in living conditions first. This is clearly exemplified in America, in which the states have a tendency to concentrate on constructing educational and healthcare centers. The implication of this is that this country has been one of the most wealthy nations in the world recently. The meaning of this statement is that had the high-ranking leaders of the United States not made investments in erecting these infrastructures for the residents, they would be liable to become an impoverished country now
On the other hand, I am convinced that the construction of recreational facilities is reasonable and favorable to residents. The primary concern is the amelioration of individuals' mental health. Given that a majority of people are inclined to keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work with the hope of attaining major success, meaning that they frequently encounter a high level of pressure. This has led to a situation where the government has to pour money into building entertainment amenities. Considering these factors, the belief that theatres or sports stadiums should be considered to invest is valid
In conclusion, although there are justifications as to why the construction of schools and hospitals is of paramount significance for individuals owing to decreasing the rate of poverty, I would contend that amusement facilities are still wholly warranted because of their vital role in aiding people to release their minds after consecutive hours of work


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "a great deal of monetary policies" -> "considerable financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "a great deal of monetary policies" with "considerable financial resources" provides a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the informal use of "monetary policies."

  2. "in lieu of investments" -> "rather than investing"
    Explanation: Changing "in lieu of investments" to "rather than investing" maintains formality and clarity, offering a more academically appropriate alternative.

  3. "acknowledge the reason for this notion" -> "recognize the rationale behind this perspective"
    Explanation: Substituting "acknowledge the reason for this notion" with "recognize the rationale behind this perspective" enhances the formality of the language while expressing the same idea more formally.

  4. "states also spend their money" -> "governments also allocate funds"
    Explanation: Replacing "states also spend their money" with "governments also allocate funds" employs a more formal term ("allocate funds") to convey the idea of spending money, aligning with academic style.

  5. "put erecting essential sectors" -> "prioritize the establishment of essential sectors"
    Explanation: Changing "put erecting essential sectors" to "prioritize the establishment of essential sectors" improves the precision and formality of the expression.

  6. "concentrate on constructing" -> "focus on building"
    Explanation: Substituting "concentrate on constructing" with "focus on building" maintains clarity while using a more common and suitable term for academic writing.

  7. "amelioration of individuals’ mental health" -> "improvement of individuals’ mental well-being"
    Explanation: Replacing "amelioration of individuals’ mental health" with "improvement of individuals’ mental well-being" offers a more sophisticated and precise expression in an academic context.

  8. "a majority of people are inclined to keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work" -> "a significant number of individuals tend to engage in a substantial amount of work"
    Explanation: Changing "a majority of people are inclined to keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work" to "a significant number of individuals tend to engage in a substantial amount of work" enhances formality and precision, avoiding colloquial expressions.

  9. "attaining major success" -> "achieving significant success"
    Explanation: Substituting "attaining major success" with "achieving significant success" uses more formal language while conveying the same meaning.

  10. "the belief that theatres or sports stadiums should be considered to invest is valid" -> "the argument that investing in theaters or sports stadiums is valid"
    Explanation: Changing "the belief that theatres or sports stadiums should be considered to invest is valid" to "the argument that investing in theaters or sports stadiums is valid" provides a more structured and academically appropriate expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Many claim that the high-ranking leaders ought to allocate a great deal of monetary policies to building facilities and amenities including education sectors in lieu of investments in recreational places. While I acknowledge the reason for this notion because of fostering the economy, I would assert that the states also spend their money on entertainment buildings due to the improvement of people’s psychological well-being."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the argument but lacks clarity in presenting a precise position. A clearer and more concise expression of your stance would strengthen your introduction. For instance, state whether you agree or disagree with the idea of allocating funds primarily to medical care and education. Also, consider rephrasing for smoother readability.
    • Improved example: "While some argue for prioritizing funds in areas like education and healthcare over recreational facilities, I contend that investing in entertainment buildings is crucial for enhancing people’s psychological well-being. This essay will delve into both perspectives."
  2. Quoted text: "The main reason behind this could be the development of the overall economic situation. With the aim of breaking the poverty and destitution circle, they should put erecting essential sectors that would definitely assist citizens in living conditions first. This is clearly exemplified in America, in which the states have a tendency to concentrate on constructing educational and healthcare centers."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument regarding economic development and poverty alleviation is somewhat unclear and lacks specific examples or reasoning. Provide more explicit connections between investments in education and healthcare and their impact on economic prosperity. Develop your ideas more thoroughly to avoid vague statements.
    • Improved example: "Investing in education and healthcare not only addresses immediate living conditions but also plays a pivotal role in breaking the cycle of poverty. For instance, a well-educated and healthy workforce enhances productivity, contributing significantly to overall economic development. In the United States, a focus on educational and healthcare infrastructure has been instrumental in fostering economic prosperity."
  3. Quoted text: "Given that a majority of people are inclined to keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work with the hope of attaining major success, meaning that they frequently encounter a high level of pressure. This has led to a situation where the government has to pour money into building entertainment amenities."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The connection between individuals’ busy lifestyles, pressure, and the necessity for entertainment facilities is established, but the explanation could be more nuanced. Elaborate on the specific psychological benefits of recreational activities and how they contribute to overall well-being. Provide examples or personal experiences to strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "In our fast-paced society, where individuals often experience high levels of stress due to ambitious career pursuits, investing in entertainment amenities becomes imperative. These spaces serve as crucial outlets for relaxation and stress relief, contributing significantly to individuals’ mental well-being. For instance, engaging in recreational activities has been proven to reduce stress levels and enhance overall life satisfaction."

Overall, while your essay addresses the prompt, enhancing the clarity of your positions and providing more detailed reasoning and examples would strengthen the overall argument and idea development.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The logical organization of ideas is evident, with a clear overall progression. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, presenting the opposing views. Each paragraph follows a distinct central theme, contributing to the coherence of the essay. The use of cohesive devices is effective, though there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, particularly within sentences. Paragraphing is generally appropriate, though there are moments where it could be more logically structured.

How to Improve:

  1. Refine Cohesive Devices: Pay closer attention to the use of cohesive devices, ensuring they contribute to a smoother flow without appearing mechanical. Vary the types of cohesive devices used for a more sophisticated connection between ideas.

  2. Logical Paragraphing: While paragraphing is generally sufficient, ensure that each paragraph has a clear and logical structure. This will enhance the overall organization of ideas and contribute to a more cohesive presentation.

  3. Sentence-Level Cohesion: Work on improving cohesion within and between sentences. This can be achieved by ensuring that the relationships between ideas are conveyed seamlessly, avoiding any disruptions in the flow of the text.

  4. Clarity in Referencing: Make sure referencing and substitution are clear and appropriately used to avoid any confusion or repetitiveness in the presentation of ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "put erecting" and "keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work." Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not impede communication significantly. The essay lacks the very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features required for a higher band score.

How to improve:

  1. Refine word choice and collocation for a more natural flow of ideas.
  2. Address spelling and word formation errors to enhance overall clarity.
  3. Aim for a wider range of vocabulary, incorporating more sophisticated and precise lexical features.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, featuring a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There are some instances of errors and awkward phrasing, but these do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively uses a variety of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and compound sentences. Overall, the grammatical range is broad, with a good attempt at flexibility.

How to improve:

  1. Error Correction: Review and correct instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the first paragraph, consider revising "ought to allocate a great deal of monetary policies" to "should allocate a significant portion of the budget."

  2. Word Choice and Redundancy: Streamline expressions for clarity. In the second paragraph, the phrase "put erecting essential sectors" could be revised to "invest in essential sectors."

  3. Sentence Structure Variety: Introduce more sentence variety by balancing complex sentences with simpler ones. This will enhance the overall fluency of the essay.

  4. Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation usage, ensuring correct placement of commas and other punctuation marks to enhance clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable range of grammatical structures, careful proofreading and refinement of expression could elevate it to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevalent argument suggesting that government funds should be exclusively directed towards healthcare and education rather than towards the construction of theaters or sports stadiums. While I understand the rationale behind prioritizing sectors like education for economic development, I maintain that allocating funds to recreational facilities is also crucial for the well-being of the populace.

On one hand, the emphasis on public health and education is justified due to its positive impact on the overall economy. To break the cycle of poverty, it is imperative for governments to invest in essential sectors that enhance citizens’ living conditions. A notable example is the United States, where a focus on constructing educational and healthcare facilities has contributed to its current status as one of the world’s wealthiest nations. This underscores the significance of strategic investments in foundational infrastructures to prevent economic decline.

On the other hand, I advocate for the reasonable allocation of resources to recreational facilities. The paramount concern here is the improvement of individuals’ mental health. Many people engage in intensive work in pursuit of significant achievements, leading to elevated stress levels. In response to this societal trend, governments find it necessary to invest in entertainment amenities. In light of these considerations, the proposition to invest in theaters or sports stadiums is indeed valid.

In conclusion, while there are valid reasons for prioritizing the construction of schools and hospitals to alleviate poverty, I contend that investing in recreational facilities is equally justified. Such amenities play a vital role in helping people unwind and release stress after prolonged hours of work. Striking a balance between essential infrastructure and recreational spaces is key to fostering a well-rounded and thriving society.

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