reasons for learning compete at school.

On the one hand, according to some, children who learn to compete against each other often do better at school. In other words, being competitive between student motivates them to excel in their studies. As a result, they may produce a better academic performance which is the key to a successful future. For example, when students take part in a contest, they always work hard to win. This being driven to achieve something helps kids be the best version of themself. In short, being competitive at school can train children to be competitive at a young age.

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Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the reasons for learning to compete at school. However, it primarily focuses on the benefits of competition rather than providing a comprehensive exploration of the reasons for learning to compete. The essay mentions that competition motivates students and can lead to better academic performance, but it lacks a thorough examination of why competition is a valuable skill or experience in the educational context.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline multiple reasons for learning to compete, such as fostering teamwork, developing resilience, and preparing for future challenges. Each reason should be supported with relevant examples or explanations to create a more rounded argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that competition is beneficial for students, but this position is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The phrase "On the one hand" suggests that there may be an opposing view, but this is not explored, leading to confusion about the writer’s overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should avoid ambiguous phrases that imply a counterargument unless they are prepared to discuss it. A strong thesis statement at the beginning outlining the benefits of competition, followed by consistent support for that thesis, would help clarify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a few ideas related to the benefits of competition, such as motivation and improved academic performance. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported. For instance, the example of students working hard to win a contest is somewhat vague and does not provide a clear link to the broader implications of competition in education.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point made. This could involve discussing how competition can lead to personal growth, learning from failure, or the development of critical thinking skills. Including specific examples or anecdotes would also strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of competition in school. However, the lack of depth in exploring the reasons for learning to compete means that the essay feels somewhat superficial. The discussion does not fully engage with the prompt, which asks for reasons rather than just benefits.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each point made directly addresses the prompt. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all aspects of the question are covered. Additionally, avoiding vague statements and ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall argument will help keep the essay on track.

In summary, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should aim to comprehensively address all parts of the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, extend and support their ideas with specific examples, and ensure that they stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits of competition among students. The ideas are logically sequenced, starting with a general statement about competition, followed by supporting details and examples. For instance, the progression from the assertion that competition motivates students to the conclusion that it prepares them for future success is coherent. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the points made, as the transition from one idea to another is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," or "Additionally," could be used to introduce new points, which would help in creating a more cohesive argument. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can also guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is presented in a single paragraph, which limits its effectiveness. While the ideas are relevant, the lack of paragraphing makes it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Each point about competition could be elaborated in its own paragraph, allowing for a more thorough exploration of each idea.
- How to improve: Implement a clear paragraph structure by separating different aspects of the argument into distinct paragraphs. For instance, one paragraph could focus on the motivational aspect of competition, while another could discuss its long-term benefits. This would not only improve readability but also allow for a deeper analysis of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "in short," which help to clarify the relationship between ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and the essay could benefit from a greater variety to enhance coherence. The use of pronouns and conjunctions is somewhat basic and does not fully utilize the potential for linking ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more complex connectors such as "therefore," "consequently," and "in contrast." Additionally, using synonyms or paraphrasing key terms can help to avoid repetition and maintain the reader’s interest. Practicing the integration of these devices in writing exercises can also aid in developing a more sophisticated writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "compete," "competitive," "excel," and "academic performance." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly with the word "competitive," which appears multiple times in close proximity. This limits the overall lexical variety and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "competitive," alternatives like "ambitious," "driven," or "motivated" could be used. Additionally, phrases such as "strive for excellence" or "academic achievement" could replace "do better" and "better academic performance," respectively.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "this being driven to achieve something" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer. The expression "the best version of themself" contains a grammatical error, as "themself" should be "themselves" to match the plural subject "kids."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy. Rephrasing the awkward sentence to something like "This drive to achieve helps children become the best versions of themselves" would enhance precision. Additionally, ensuring subject-verb agreement and using the correct forms of words will improve overall clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors present. However, the term "themself" is a non-standard form in this context and should be corrected to "themselves." This reflects a need for attention to detail in spelling and word forms.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, checking for any non-standard forms or typos. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify any awkward phrasing or spelling issues that may have been overlooked.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and uses some appropriate vocabulary, there is room for improvement in the range of vocabulary, precision of word choice, and attention to spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring grammatical accuracy, and proofreading for spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "On the one hand, according to some, children who learn to compete against each other often do better at school" showcases the ability to combine clauses effectively. However, the essay predominantly relies on simple and compound sentences, which can limit the overall range. For example, the sentence "This being driven to achieve something helps kids be the best version of themself" is somewhat awkward and could be restructured for clarity and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, instead of saying "being competitive at school can train children to be competitive at a young age," the writer could say, "If children are encouraged to compete at school, they may develop skills that foster competitiveness throughout their lives." Additionally, using participial phrases or relative clauses could add complexity and depth to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are some notable errors. For instance, the phrase "being competitive between student" should be corrected to "being competitive among students" to ensure proper usage of the preposition and plural form. Furthermore, the phrase "the best version of themself" contains a grammatical inconsistency, as "themself" is typically used in singular contexts; "themselves" would be more appropriate here. Punctuation is generally correct, but the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing with exercises focused on these areas could be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for common errors and reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation issues. For example, breaking up longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can enhance readability and reduce the risk of grammatical errors.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

On the one hand, according to some, children who learn to compete against each other often do better at school. In other words, being competitive among students motivates them to excel in their studies. As a result, they may achieve better academic performance, which is the key to a successful future. For example, when students take part in a contest, they always work hard to win. This drive to achieve something helps kids become the best version of themselves. In short, being competitive at school can train children to be competitive at a young age.