Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this option? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this option?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Recently, many researches have pointed out that the young people who are under 18 are more likely to get involved in violent crime. Some psychologists blame the responsibility on the parents and teachers because they have not offered adequate education related to social and emotional affairs to their children. From my personal perspective, this blame is accurate to some point of view and I partly agree with the claims made by those psychologists.

The youngsters nowadays are often easily influenced by the things that approached them in many ways, including the contents they consume or the friends they play with. Those influences can trigger violent behaviors and lead them to violate some rules. For example, the internet which is very accessible can contain inappropriate concepts relating to defense and attacking others. While the teenagers under 18 are not careful enough to realize those things resulting that they might mimick and get themselves into violent crimes. In addition, friends and the environment that each child engages with also affect their emotions and awareness, if a child is in the same group with an aggressive gang, he/she is more likely to misbehave in terms of violence.

However, that bad effect can be improved significantly if the parents and the teachers offer proper education and training in emotional control and social awareness. For example, when the youngsters are informed with social order and the code of conduct naturally at home by their parents, they will have higher awareness of what they can and cannot do. Furthermore, among academic subjects at school, the students should be trained how to stay calm and sympathetic to others. This practice should help them think better and be less hot-tempered before causing violent actions. More extreme, if they’re informed about the punishment or the penalty they have to face if they violate the common rules related to violence, it will reduce the rate of youngsters involved in violent crime. This solution can be easily conducted by the teachers at school.

To sum up, there are many reasons that a youngster gets themselves into a violent crime. But parents and teachers should play the main roles in shaping the awareness about social and emotional issues for their children and pupils.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "many researches" -> "numerous studies"
   Explanation: "Researches" is a plural noun that should be used with a singular verb, and "numerous studies" is more precise and formal in academic contexts.

2. "the young people who are under 18" -> "individuals under the age of 18"
   Explanation: "Individuals under the age of 18" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "young people."

3. "blame the responsibility on" -> "attribute the responsibility to"
   Explanation: "Attribute the responsibility to" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "blame the responsibility on."

4. "adequate education related to social and emotional affairs" -> "sufficient education in social and emotional matters"
   Explanation: "Sufficient education in social and emotional matters" is more specific and formal, improving the academic tone.

5. "this blame is accurate to some point of view" -> "this attribution is partially accurate"
   Explanation: "This attribution is partially accurate" is more precise and avoids the informal "point of view."

6. "the youngsters nowadays" -> "young people today"
   Explanation: "Young people today" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "the youngsters nowadays."

7. "the things that approached them" -> "the influences that surround them"
   Explanation: "The influences that surround them" is more precise and formal, clarifying the type of factors being discussed.

8. "can trigger violent behaviors" -> "may lead to violent behavior"
   Explanation: "May lead to violent behavior" is more formal and avoids the less precise "behaviors."

9. "resulting that they might mimick" -> "resulting in their mimicking"
   Explanation: "Resulting in their mimicking" corrects the grammatical error and enhances formality.

10. "he/she" -> "they" or "they are"
    Explanation: Using "they" or "they are" avoids the awkward and less formal "he/she" in this context.

11. "misbehave in terms of violence" -> "engage in violent behavior"
    Explanation: "Engage in violent behavior" is more direct and formal than "misbehave in terms of violence."

12. "informed with social order" -> "informed about social norms"
    Explanation: "Informed about social norms" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context.

13. "the code of conduct naturally at home" -> "the code of conduct naturally at home"
    Explanation: This is a typographical error and should be corrected to "the code of conduct naturally at home."

14. "the students should be trained how to stay calm and sympathetic to others" -> "students should be taught to remain calm and empathetic"
    Explanation: "Taught to remain calm and empathetic" is more formal and academically appropriate than "trained how to stay calm and sympathetic."

15. "More extreme, if they’re informed about" -> "Furthermore, if they are informed about"
    Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "More extreme," and "they are" corrects the contraction error.

16. "the punishment or the penalty they have to face" -> "the penalties they may incur"
    Explanation: "The penalties they may incur" is more formal and precise, avoiding the redundancy of "punishment or penalty."

17. "the youngsters involved in violent crime" -> "young people involved in violent crime"
    Explanation: "Young people" is a more formal and inclusive term than "the youngsters."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the claim that a lack of social and emotional learning from parents and teachers contributes to violent crime among youngsters. The author partially agrees with this assertion, which aligns with the requirement to express a viewpoint. However, while the essay mentions other influences such as friends and media, it does not fully explore how these factors interact with the role of parents and teachers, which could provide a more nuanced response.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly analyze the relationship between social and emotional learning and other factors contributing to violent behavior. For instance, discussing how parental guidance can mitigate negative influences from peers or media would create a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that acknowledges the importance of parental and educational influence on youth behavior. However, the phrase "this blame is accurate to some point of view" introduces ambiguity. The author’s position could be interpreted as indecisive, which may confuse readers about the extent of their agreement with the psychologists.
  • How to improve: The author should strive for more definitive language when stating their position. Instead of "to some point of view," the author could say, "I strongly believe that…" or "I agree that…" This would help clarify their stance and reinforce the argument throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the influences on youth behavior, including media exposure and peer pressure. However, some points lack depth and detailed support. For example, the mention of the internet as a source of violent content is valid but could be further developed with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the solutions proposed for improving emotional and social education are somewhat vague and could benefit from more concrete examples.
  • How to improve: The author should aim to elaborate on key points with specific examples or studies that illustrate the impact of social and emotional learning. For instance, citing research that shows a correlation between emotional education and reduced violence would enhance the credibility of the argument. Furthermore, providing specific programs or initiatives that have successfully addressed these issues would add depth to the proposed solutions.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influences of parents and teachers on youth behavior. However, the introduction of other factors like media and peer influence, while relevant, could distract from the main argument if not properly integrated. The conclusion reiterates the importance of parental and teacher roles but does not fully synthesize the discussion of other influences.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central argument regarding the role of parents and teachers. A clearer structure that ties back to the thesis in each paragraph would help reinforce the main topic. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize how the various influences discussed relate to the primary argument, providing a more cohesive ending.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas. By addressing the areas for improvement, the author can enhance the clarity, depth, and coherence of their argument, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear progression of ideas, beginning with the assertion that violent crime among youngsters is influenced by a lack of social and emotional learning. Each paragraph builds on this premise, with the first discussing external influences on youth behavior and the second addressing the potential for improvement through parental and educational intervention. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing external influences to the role of parents and teachers feels somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two concepts together.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing external influences, you could add a sentence like, "While these external factors play a significant role, the influence of parents and teachers is equally crucial in shaping behavior." This would create a more cohesive flow between paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, the body paragraphs delve into the causes and solutions, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to enhance clarity, as it contains multiple ideas about influences and could benefit from clearer separation.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing solely on external influences (like media and peer groups) and another discussing the role of the environment. This would allow for a more focused discussion in each paragraph and improve readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example," "however," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "while the teenagers under 18 are not careful enough to realize those things resulting that they might mimick" could be improved for clarity and cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "for example," you could use "such as" or "for instance" to introduce examples. Additionally, consider using phrases like "consequently" or "as a result" to better connect cause and effect, particularly when discussing the implications of poor social and emotional education.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "violent crime," "social and emotional learning," and "aggressive gang." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the frequent use of "youngsters" and "violent." The phrase "get involved in violent crime" could be expressed more diversely, perhaps using synonyms like "engage in" or "commit."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should seek to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "youngsters," alternatives like "adolescents," "youth," or "teenagers" could be employed. Additionally, utilizing more academic or formal vocabulary related to psychology and education could elevate the overall quality of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the responsibility on the parents and teachers," which would be more accurately phrased as "the responsibility of parents and teachers." The phrase "the things that approached them" is vague and could be better articulated. Furthermore, "mimick" is a misspelling of "mimic," which detracts from the precision of the vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using more specific terms and phrases. For instance, instead of "the things that approached them," a more precise phrase could be "the influences they encounter." Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that vocabulary choices accurately convey the intended meaning will enhance clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "mimick," which should be "mimic." The phrase "the internet which is very accessible can contain inappropriate concepts relating to defense and attacking others" could also benefit from clearer punctuation and structure, but it does not contain spelling errors. Overall, spelling is generally accurate, but the presence of a misspelling indicates a need for improvement.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, possibly using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or utilizing spell-check tools can help catch errors before submission. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, it would benefit from a broader range of expressions, more precise word choices, and careful attention to spelling. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For example, the use of "While the teenagers under 18 are not careful enough to realize those things resulting that they might mimick and get themselves into violent crimes" shows an attempt at complexity. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "the young people who are under 18 are more likely to get involved in violent crime" could be restructured to enhance fluency and engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "the youngsters nowadays are often easily influenced," the writer could say, "Due to the pervasive influence of media and peer pressure, youngsters today are often easily swayed." Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can enhance the variety. Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading a range of academic texts can help in this regard.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, "the things that approached them in many ways" is awkward and unclear; a more precise phrase would be "the various influences they encounter." Furthermore, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas that could clarify meaning, e.g., "the internet which is very accessible can contain inappropriate concepts" should include a comma after "internet." Additionally, the phrase "resulting that they might mimick" is incorrect; it should be "resulting in their mimicking."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of gerunds. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing rules about comma usage, especially in complex sentences, would enhance clarity. Reading essays or articles with a focus on punctuation can also provide practical insights into correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on enhancing sentence variety and grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, numerous studies have pointed out that individuals under the age of 18 are more likely to become involved in violent crime. Some psychologists attribute the responsibility to parents and teachers, claiming they have not provided sufficient education in social and emotional matters to their children. From my personal perspective, this attribution is partially accurate, and I partly agree with the claims made by those psychologists.

Young people today are often easily influenced by the various factors that surround them, including the content they consume and the friends they associate with. These influences can trigger violent behavior and lead them to violate rules. For example, the internet, which is highly accessible, can contain inappropriate concepts related to defending oneself and attacking others. While teenagers under 18 may not be careful enough to recognize these dangers, this can result in their mimicking such behaviors and getting themselves involved in violent crimes. Additionally, the friends and environment each child engages with significantly affect their emotions and awareness; if a child is part of a group with an aggressive gang, he or she is more likely to misbehave in terms of violence.

However, this negative impact can be significantly improved if parents and teachers provide proper education and training in emotional control and social awareness. For instance, when young people are informed about social norms and the code of conduct at home by their parents, they will have a higher awareness of what is acceptable behavior. Furthermore, among academic subjects at school, students should be taught to remain calm and empathetic towards others. This practice should help them think more clearly and be less hot-tempered before engaging in violent actions. More importantly, if they are informed about the penalties they may incur for violating common rules related to violence, it could reduce the rate of young people involved in violent crime. This solution can be easily implemented by teachers at school.

To sum up, there are numerous reasons why a young person may engage in violent crime. However, parents and teachers should play a crucial role in shaping awareness about social and emotional issues for their children and students.