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Research has shown that the transportation of products and people is the main source of pollution. Some people believe the government should be in charge of this, while others believe it is the fault of individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Research has shown that the transportation of products and people is the main source of pollution. Some people believe the government should be in charge of this, while others believe it is the fault of individuals.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays environmental pollution has increased as a huge risk and the figure of the transportation of goods and human contributed as one of the most major factors. Thus, it is argued that addressing this problem is a mission of government whereas other people think that individuals are responsible for the increase of pollution. In my opinion, not only the government but also citizens are blamed for this development.
On the one hand, it is clear that the government takes responsible in the large volume of transportation being out of control, leading to drawbacks for pollution. To be more specific, a number of transportation issues such as traffic jam, vehicles emission ,… are heavily depends on governments rules and regulations because the government have an authority to entrance a law. For instance, China, which was one of the most polluted countries in decade ago, has been improved significantly because this country takes many advantages from new policies and regulations entranced by the government involving in limiting the amount of personal vehicles, eliminating motorbikes,… Besides that, a state investment budget also plays a vital role in tackling this issue as it contributes to upgrade and rebuild infrastructures and make a campaign to raise awareness for residents.
On the other hand, advocates for a latter opinion that a lack of awareness from several people contribute dramatically to cause this issue. Initially, residents play a crucial role in addressing the pollution caused by transportation rather than only rely on the government’s action. To be more precise, several actions such as changing habit to use public transportation instead of private vehicles, limiting the amount of vehicles owned by each family,… contribute dramatically to a improve national status of traffic congestion. For example, Singapore residents nowadays give preference to select public transportation for travelling since the government has made a campaign to raise awareness about a drawbacks of using too much private cars or motorbikes.
In conclusion, the rising transportation of products and residents which affects our habitat adversely is the fault of both the government and individuals. However, with proper measures taken from both parties, I believe that the traffic volume and pollution can be curbed.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays environmental pollution has increased as a huge risk and the figure of the transportation of goods and human contributed as one of the most major factors."
    -> "Currently, environmental pollution has escalated into a significant risk, with the transportation of goods and people emerging as one of the foremost contributing factors."
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" provides a more formal and precise temporal reference. Additionally, the phrase "the figure of the transportation" is unclear and has been revised to "the transportation of goods and people."

  2. "Thus, it is argued that addressing this problem is a mission of government whereas other people think that individuals are responsible for the increase of pollution."
    -> "Consequently, there is an argument that addressing this problem is a governmental mission, while others contend that individuals bear responsibility for the rise in pollution."
    Explanation: The phrase "it is argued that" has been replaced with "there is an argument that" for a more formal expression. Also, "mission of government" has been modified to "governmental mission" for clarity and precision.

  3. "On the one hand, it is clear that the government takes responsible in the large volume of transportation being out of control, leading to drawbacks for pollution."
    -> "On one hand, it is evident that the government bears responsibility for the large volume of uncontrolled transportation, resulting in adverse consequences for pollution."
    Explanation: "Takes responsible" has been corrected to "bears responsibility," and "being out of control" has been rephrased to "uncontrolled" for a more formal tone. The phrase "leading to drawbacks for pollution" has been refined to "resulting in adverse consequences for pollution."

  4. "a number of transportation issues such as traffic jam, vehicles emission ,… are heavily depends on governments rules and regulations because the government have an authority to entrance a law."
    -> "Several transportation issues, such as traffic congestion and vehicle emissions, heavily depend on government rules and regulations because the government has the authority to enact laws."
    Explanation: "Are heavily depends on" has been corrected to "heavily depend on," and the phrase "entrance a law" has been replaced with "enact laws" for grammatical correctness and formality.

  5. "which was one of the most polluted countries in decade ago"
    -> "which was one of the most polluted countries a decade ago"
    Explanation: "In decade ago" has been corrected to "a decade ago" for proper phrasing.

  6. "advocates for a latter opinion"
    -> "advocates for the latter opinion"
    Explanation: "A latter opinion" has been corrected to "the latter opinion" for grammatical accuracy.

  7. "a lack of awareness from several people contribute dramatically to cause this issue."
    -> "A lack of awareness among several people contributes significantly to causing this issue."
    Explanation: The phrase "from several people" has been replaced with "among several people" for more precise language. Additionally, "contribute dramatically to cause" has been refined to "contributes significantly to causing" for clarity.

  8. "several actions such as changing habit to use public transportation instead of private vehicles, limiting the amount of vehicles owned by each family,…
    -> "several actions, such as changing habits to use public transportation instead of private vehicles and limiting the number of vehicles owned by each family,
    Explanation: "Changing habit" has been corrected to "changing habits," and the sentence structure has been revised for better clarity and flow.

  9. "contribute dramatically to a improve national status of traffic congestion."
    -> "contribute significantly to improving the national status of traffic congestion."
    Explanation: "Contribute dramatically to a improve" has been refined to "contribute significantly to improving" for better syntax and formality.

  10. "the rising transportation of products and residents which affects our habitat adversely is the fault of both the government and individuals."
    -> "The increasing transportation of goods and residents, which adversely affects our habitat, is attributable to both the government and individuals."
    Explanation: "The rising transportation of products and residents" has been revised to "The increasing transportation of goods and residents" for clarity and precision. Additionally, "is the fault of" has been replaced with "is attributable to" for a more formal expression.

  11. "However, with proper measures taken from both parties, I believe that the traffic volume and pollution can be curbed."
    -> "Nevertheless, with appropriate measures taken by both parties, I believe that traffic volume and pollution can be mitigated."
    Explanation: "However" has been replaced with "Nevertheless" for variety in transitional language. "Curbed" has been changed to "mitigated" for a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives of the prompt, discussing the role of the government and individuals in transportation-related pollution. However, the discussion lacks depth and doesn’t thoroughly explore the nuances of each perspective. For example, the government’s role is mentioned, but specific examples or detailed analysis of policies are needed to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific examples and details for both the government and individual perspectives. Dive deeper into the government’s role by citing specific policies, laws, and their impact. Additionally, explore various ways individuals can contribute to reducing pollution.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position, asserting that both the government and individuals share responsibility for transportation-related pollution. However, the expression of this stance could be more explicit and consistent throughout the essay. At times, the language appears to waver between attributing blame to the government and individuals.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should use language that consistently reinforces the shared responsibility of both the government and individuals. Avoid ambiguous statements and make the central thesis more explicit in each paragraph.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in elaboration. Examples are provided, such as China’s policies and Singapore’s awareness campaign, but they are somewhat superficial. The essay needs more elaboration on how these examples specifically address pollution and their effectiveness.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed explanations and extending the discussion on each idea. For instance, delve into the outcomes of China’s policies and how they led to improvements. Elaborate on the success of Singapore’s awareness campaign and its impact on residents’ behaviors.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but may deviate slightly in some parts. For instance, the discussion of Singapore’s residents preferring public transportation is relevant, but the link to the government’s campaign needs more explicit connection.
    • How to improve: Ensure a more seamless connection between ideas and examples. Explicitly tie examples back to the central thesis to maintain a focused and cohesive discussion on the role of both the government and individuals in transportation-related pollution.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the key components of the prompt, it requires more depth, clarity, and explicit connections between ideas. Strengthening the analysis of government and individual roles, providing specific examples, and maintaining a consistent stance will elevate the essay’s overall quality and better fulfill the task requirements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the topic and the two opposing views. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, discussing the government’s role first and then transitioning to the individual’s responsibility. However, within paragraphs, there is room for improvement in the organization of ideas. For instance, the third paragraph discusses the government’s role but lacks a smooth transition from the previous paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Use connecting phrases to guide the reader through the essay’s progression. Consider a more nuanced structure within paragraphs to present ideas in a coherent manner.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, providing a clear separation of ideas. However, there is a need for improvement in the structure of paragraphs, particularly in maintaining a consistent focus within each. The third paragraph, for instance, shifts abruptly from discussing government regulations to state investments without a clear connection.
    • How to improve: Work on maintaining a unified theme within each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. Revise the third paragraph to establish a smoother transition between ideas, perhaps by introducing the role of state investments more seamlessly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this issue"). However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices. The connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened for a more cohesive essay.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a mix of conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas to enhance overall cohesion.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably organized structure, there is a need for improvement in paragraph-level organization and the effective use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a fair attempt to use varied vocabulary, but it lacks consistency and depth. For example, phrases such as "huge risk" and "adversely" demonstrate a decent vocabulary range, but more precise and diverse vocabulary could enhance the overall lexical resource.

    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more specialized terms related to transportation and pollution. For instance, instead of using general terms like "huge risk," explore specific vocabulary such as environmental hazards, ecological threats, or detrimental impact. Additionally, vary sentence structures to showcase versatility in language use.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary is inconsistent throughout the essay. While some terms like "traffic jam" and "vehicles emission" are adequately specific, others like "large volume of transportation" and "improve national status of traffic congestion" lack precision.

    • How to improve: Aim for precision by using more concise and accurate terminology. For instance, replace "large volume of transportation" with "excessive traffic flow," and refine "improve national status of traffic congestion" to "alleviate nationwide traffic congestion." Be cautious about repeating generic terms and opt for more specialized language when possible.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits acceptable spelling accuracy, but there are instances of misspellings, such as "entrance" instead of "enforce," "responsible" instead of "responsibility," and "entranced" instead of "enforced." These errors, although infrequent, impact the overall impression.

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread carefully for commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to identify and correct errors. Paying meticulous attention to detail during the editing process will contribute to a more polished and error-free essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, improvements can be made in terms of consistency, precision, and spelling accuracy. Enriching the essay with more specialized terms, refining imprecise language, and diligently proofreading for spelling errors will contribute to a higher lexical resource band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fair range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of complex sentences. The author tends to rely on basic structures, and this affects the overall sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or varied sentence lengths. Utilize phrases like appositives or participial phrases to add depth and complexity to your sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence "the figure of the transportation of goods and human contributed as one of the most major factors," the use of ‘figure’ is unclear, and ‘human’ should be ‘humans.’ Punctuation is inconsistent, with missing commas or incorrectly placed ellipses.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence structure. Ensure that your use of punctuation is consistent and appropriate. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to improve accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, but refinement is needed to elevate it to a higher band score. Focus on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation for a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Environmental pollution has currently become a significant concern, with the transportation of goods and people identified as a major contributing factor. There is an ongoing debate about whether the government or individuals are responsible for addressing this issue. In my perspective, both the government and citizens share the blame for this trend.

On one hand, it is evident that the government bears responsibility for the uncontrolled increase in transportation, leading to adverse consequences for pollution. Various transportation issues, including traffic congestion and vehicle emissions, heavily depend on government rules and regulations due to their authority to enact laws. For example, China, a country grappling with severe pollution a decade ago, has significantly improved through the implementation of new policies and regulations. These measures include limiting personal vehicle numbers and phasing out motorbikes. State investment budgets also play a crucial role in upgrading infrastructure and conducting awareness campaigns for residents.

On the other hand, proponents of the opposing view argue that a lack of awareness among individuals significantly contributes to the problem. Residents play a pivotal role in addressing pollution caused by transportation. Actions like opting for public transportation over private vehicles and limiting the number of vehicles per family can substantially improve the national status of traffic congestion. For instance, Singapore residents have shifted towards public transportation due to a government-led awareness campaign highlighting the drawbacks of excessive private car or motorbike usage.

In conclusion, the increasing transportation of goods and residents adversely affecting our environment is attributable to both the government and individuals. Nevertheless, by implementing appropriate measures collaboratively, including effective regulations and individual behavioral changes, I believe that both traffic volume and pollution can be mitigated.

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