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Research shows that some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that, millions of people engage in unhealthy activities.What is the cause of this?What can be done?

Research shows that some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that, millions of people engage in unhealthy activities.
What is the cause of this?
What can be done?

In this day and age, people are well aware of benefits and drawbacks which are brought by certain activities. However, some individuals participate in several unhealthy pursuits. The root cause of this issue is that people immerse themselves in addictive activities, but it can be tackled by governments increasing taxes for these detrimental products.
It must be recognized that using too much products containing nicotine is a main element that makes people engage in some unhealthy activities. It can be claimed that nicotine makes people addictive as well as giving them satisfying feeling, so it is hard for people to get rid of these substances. Although there are several campaigns established by government to help addicts avoid their unhealthy habits, these peole can not give up totally because it makes them feel unbearable without using it. As a result, people who are addicted to nicotine can not get away from it for a long time and they must use it whenever they crave. Therefore, immersing in addictive substances is a factor that forces people to continue their unhealthy habits.
Perhaps this problem can be solved by the governments’ action via expanding prices of products containing nicotine. It is clear that in countries, governments also allow goods which have nicotine inside to be sold by stores, especially cigarettes. Therefore, the most effective approach is increasing taxes or prices of each pocket of cigarettes sold in the market. This can translate to the decrease in the numbers of people joining this unhealthy pursuit. For example, In ASEAN, there are six nations, including Brunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines increasing taxes of cigarettes in order to decrease the number of individuals attending this activity.
In conclusion, this problem stems from people who are addicted to nicotine. Thus, it can be tackled by goverments raising the taxes of using these substances.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “In this day and age” -> “In contemporary society”
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression “In this day and age” with “In contemporary society” provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
  2. “benefits and drawbacks” -> “advantages and disadvantages”
    Explanation: Substituting “benefits and drawbacks” with “advantages and disadvantages” maintains clarity while employing more formal terminology commonly used in academic writing.
  3. “certain activities” -> “specific activities”
    Explanation: Replacing “certain activities” with “specific activities” adds precision and formality to the statement, avoiding vagueness.
  4. “unhealthy pursuits” -> “detrimental behaviors”
    Explanation: Swapping “unhealthy pursuits” with “detrimental behaviors” enhances the formality of the expression and provides a more nuanced description of the actions in question.
  5. “root cause” -> “primary factor”
    Explanation: Replacing “root cause” with “primary factor” contributes to a more sophisticated and academic tone, emphasizing the central element influencing the issue.
  6. “immersing themselves in addictive activities” -> “engaging in addictive behaviors”
    Explanation: Changing “immersing themselves in addictive activities” to “engaging in addictive behaviors” offers a more precise and formal description of the actions involved.
  7. “it can be claimed that” -> “it can be argued that”
    Explanation: Substituting “it can be claimed that” with “it can be argued that” adds a more formal and academic tone to the statement, aligning with scholarly discourse.
  8. “substances” -> “substances such as nicotine”
    Explanation: Adding specificity by replacing “substances” with “substances such as nicotine” enhances clarity and provides a more detailed explanation of the addictive elements.
  9. “peole can not give up totally” -> “individuals may not fully relinquish”
    Explanation: Changing “peole can not give up totally” to “individuals may not fully relinquish” improves the formality and precision of the statement.
  10. “it makes them feel unbearable without using it” -> “they find it intolerable to abstain”
    Explanation: Substituting “it makes them feel unbearable without using it” with “they find it intolerable to abstain” maintains formality and provides a more nuanced description of the difficulty in quitting.
  11. “immersing in addictive substances” -> “engaging in the consumption of addictive substances”
    Explanation: Expanding “immersing in addictive substances” to “engaging in the consumption of addictive substances” offers a more formal and elaborate expression, aligning with academic style.
  12. “Perhaps this problem can be solved” -> “This issue may be addressed”
    Explanation: Replacing “Perhaps this problem can be solved” with “This issue may be addressed” provides a more assertive and formal tone.
  13. “governments’ action” -> “government intervention”
    Explanation: Substituting “governments’ action” with “government intervention” maintains formality and specifies the type of action being suggested.
  14. “via expanding prices” -> “by increasing the prices”
    Explanation: Changing “via expanding prices” to “by increasing the prices” offers a more precise and formal expression of the proposed solution.
  15. “goods which have nicotine inside” -> “products containing nicotine”
    Explanation: Substituting “goods which have nicotine inside” with “products containing nicotine” adds clarity and formality to the description of the items being discussed.
  16. “each pocket of cigarettes” -> “each pack of cigarettes”
    Explanation: Replacing “each pocket of cigarettes” with “each pack of cigarettes” is a more accurate and standard term, contributing to clearer communication.
  17. “In conclusion” -> “To conclude”
    Explanation: Substituting “In conclusion” with “To conclude” is a more formal and widely accepted transition phrase in academic writing.
  18. “stems from” -> “arises from”
    Explanation: Changing “stems from” to “arises from” maintains formality and provides a more sophisticated expression of the issue’s origin.
  19. “goverments” -> “governments”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error “goverments” to “governments” ensures proper usage and maintains the professionalism of the text.
  20. “raising the taxes of using these substances” -> “increasing taxes on these substances”
    Explanation: Modifying “raising the taxes of using these substances” to “increasing taxes on these substances” provides a more grammatically correct and formally structured expression.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: “In this day and age, people are well aware of benefits and drawbacks which are brought by certain activities. However, some individuals participate in several unhealthy pursuits. The root cause of this issue is that people immerse themselves in addictive activities, but it can be tackled by governments increasing taxes for these detrimental products.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity regarding your stance on the issue. While you mention the root cause and propose a solution, it would be more effective if you explicitly state your position on whether you agree or disagree with the idea that increasing taxes is a solution. Additionally, provide a roadmap for the reader by outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay.
    • Improved example: “In this contemporary era, individuals possess a clear understanding of the advantages and disadvantages associated with various activities. Despite this awareness, some people engage in unhealthy pursuits. This essay contends that the primary cause lies in individuals becoming addicted to certain activities. To address this issue, the government could consider increasing taxes on these harmful products. This essay will explore the root causes, consequences, and potential solutions to this behavior.”
  2. Quoted text: “It must be recognized that using too much products containing nicotine is a main element that makes people engage in some unhealthy activities. It can be claimed that nicotine makes people addictive as well as giving them satisfying feeling, so it is hard for people to get rid of these substances. Although there are several campaigns established by government to help addicts avoid their unhealthy habits, these peole can not give up totally because it makes them feel unbearable without using it. As a result, people who are addicted to nicotine can not get away from it for a long time and they must use it whenever they crave. Therefore, immersing in addictive substances is a factor that forces people to continue their unhealthy habits.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument regarding the addictive nature of nicotine is well-stated. However, the explanation lacks depth, and the ideas could be more fully developed. Expand on how addiction to nicotine becomes a compelling force, making it difficult for individuals to quit despite government campaigns. Provide concrete examples or personal experiences to illustrate the impact of addiction on people’s behavior.
    • Improved example: “It is imperative to recognize that the excessive consumption of products containing nicotine serves as a primary catalyst for individuals engaging in unhealthy activities. Nicotine, known for its addictive properties and the pleasurable sensations it induces, creates a formidable challenge for individuals attempting to break free from its grasp. Despite government-initiated campaigns aimed at aiding addicts, many find it difficult to completely abandon nicotine, experiencing an overwhelming urge whenever cravings arise. This deep-rooted immersion in addictive substances serves as a compelling factor, significantly hindering individuals in their attempts to overcome unhealthy habits.”
  3. Quoted text: “Perhaps this problem can be solved by the governments’ action via expanding prices of products containing nicotine. It is clear that in countries, governments also allow goods which have nicotine inside to be sold by stores, especially cigarettes. Therefore, the most effective approach is increasing taxes or prices of each pocket of cigarettes sold in the market. This can translate to the decrease in the numbers of people joining this unhealthy pursuit. For example, In ASEAN, there are six nations, including Brunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines increasing taxes of cigarettes in order to decrease the number of individuals attending this activity.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your proposed solution is clear and relevant. However, the example provided lacks specificity and detail. Offer more concrete examples or elaborate on the success stories of countries within ASEAN that have implemented such measures. Additionally, consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
    • Improved example: “A viable solution to this issue could involve government intervention through the implementation of increased taxes on products containing nicotine. Notably, several countries, including those in ASEAN such as Brunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines, have successfully curtailed the prevalence of unhealthy activities by raising taxes on cigarettes. For instance, these nations have witnessed a noticeable decline in the number of individuals participating in such activities following the imposition of higher taxes. This demonstrates the potential efficacy of this approach in deterring people from engaging in unhealthy pursuits.”

Overall, the essay provides a clear understanding of the issue, but improvements in clarity, depth of development, and specificity of examples are needed to elevate the essay to a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay exhibits a clear overall progression of ideas, organizing them in a logical manner. The introduction presents the topic, and each paragraph maintains a central theme. There is effective use of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas within sentences and between paragraphs. However, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, and the essay may benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is utilized, but it is not always logical, particularly in the second paragraph where the transition between discussing the cause and the solution could be smoother.

How to improve:

  1. Varied Use of Cohesive Devices: While the essay employs cohesive devices adequately, incorporating a more varied range would enhance overall cohesion. Synonyms and varied transitional phrases can contribute to a smoother flow.
  2. Improved Paragraph Structure: Pay attention to paragraph structure, ensuring a more seamless transition between discussing the cause and proposing the solution. This can be achieved by using clear topic sentences and effective transitions.
  3. Enhanced Clarity in Cohesion: Focus on refining cohesion within and between sentences to ensure a more polished and seamless connection of ideas. This includes avoiding repetitive sentence structures and enhancing the flow of ideas.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as “detrimental,” “immersing,” and “addictive.” While there is some inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, it does not impede communication significantly. There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as “peole” instead of “people” and “goverments” instead of “governments.” However, these errors do not severely distort the message.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a more varied and precise range of vocabulary. Careful proofreading is necessary to eliminate spelling and word formation errors. Additionally, refining the use of less common vocabulary items and ensuring accurate collocation will contribute to a more sophisticated lexical control.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of the sentences are error-free. However, there are notable grammar and punctuation errors that slightly reduce communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of complex structures, but some errors in grammar and punctuation distort the meaning at times. The essay conveys the main points with clarity, but there is room for improvement in grammatical accuracy.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Review sentence structures to ensure they are clear and error-free.
  2. Complex Structures: Continue to use complex sentence structures, but do so with greater accuracy. Avoid errors that may distort the intended meaning.
  3. Vocabulary: While the vocabulary is generally appropriate, consider expanding it to enhance the overall richness of expression.
  4. Supporting Details: Provide more supporting details to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score by exhibiting more accurate and sophisticated use of language.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, individuals are well aware of the advantages and disadvantages associated with specific activities. Nevertheless, some people engage in various unhealthy pursuits. The fundamental cause of this issue is the deep involvement of individuals in addictive activities. However, this can be addressed by governments increasing taxes on these harmful products.

It is essential to acknowledge that the excessive use of products containing nicotine is a primary factor driving individuals towards unhealthy habits. It can be argued that nicotine creates addiction and provides a satisfying feeling, making it challenging for people to break free from these substances. Despite the government’s efforts through various campaigns to assist addicts in overcoming their unhealthy habits, these individuals find it difficult to quit completely as the absence of nicotine becomes unbearable for them. Consequently, individuals addicted to nicotine struggle to abstain from it for an extended period and feel compelled to use it whenever they experience cravings. Therefore, immersion in addictive substances is a significant factor that compels people to persist in their unhealthy habits.

One potential solution to this problem lies in government intervention, specifically by increasing taxes on products containing nicotine. It is evident that in many countries, governments permit the sale of goods containing nicotine, especially cigarettes. Thus, the most effective strategy involves raising taxes or prices on each pack of cigarettes available in the market. This measure can result in a decline in the number of individuals participating in this unhealthy pursuit. For instance, in ASEAN, which comprises six nations including Brunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines, there have been instances of raising taxes on cigarettes to reduce the prevalence of this activity.

In conclusion, the root cause of this issue is the addiction to nicotine. Therefore, it can be effectively addressed by governments increasing taxes on the consumption of these substances.

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