Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to poorer countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Thanks to the expansion of international relations, some poorer countries are sponsored by financial aid from rich ones. However, this assistant method could not deal with the dearth in the former; accordingly, some concur that developed countries should bring forward alternative approaches to support the underdeveloped ones instead of pecuniary support, and I totally subscribe to this judgment.
On the one hand, it is reasonable that using other methods to support undeveloped countries, wealthy ones can generate a better result. Instead of reinforcing money, rich nations can fund directly necessary technology equipment for the poorer ones. This solution can save time in inventing or purchasing facilities which are essential for the latter in their progress process.
Additionally, sponsoring human resources is likely to be an efficient way to assist underdeveloped nations promote labour quality in the domestic market.
Take the case in Vietnam as a concrete example: The Japan government announced funding medical machinery for Vietnam. With this assistance, Vietnam has an opportunity to improve the qualities of healthcare devices.
On the other hand, it is judicious that financial aid does not bring on a superior outcome. If undeveloped countries are assisted by currency, this support will likely be used in other aspects as an alternative for the original sponsored purpose, which was unified among nations before. Instead, this amount of money can be used with a discrepant intention, and undeveloped ones can not solve precise problems. Moreover, poorer countries partly tend to depend on wealthy ones in financial problems if they are supported by pecuniary aid. For instance, Vietnam received an amount of money from Russia, which brings the initial purpose for manufacturing material facilities. However, Vietnam utilized this pecuniary budget for environmental problems, which were different with the first aim generated between two nations. Concurrently, the poverty, particularly material problems were not solved.
In conclusion, I strongly concur that non-pecuniary aid is a beneficial method rather than pecuniary one for both developed countries and underdeveloped ones to solve poverty.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"Thanks" -> "Owing to"
Explanation: Replacing "Thanks" with "Owing to" introduces a more formal and sophisticated introductory phrase, aligning with academic style.
"assistant" -> "assistance"
Explanation: Replace "assistant" with "assistance" for grammatical accuracy. "Assistant" refers to a person, while "assistance" is the correct noun form in this context.
"concur" -> "agree"
Explanation: "Concur" is slightly formal; "agree" maintains formality while simplifying the language for better comprehension.
"instead of reinforcing money" -> "rather than providing financial reinforcement"
Explanation: The phrase "reinforcing money" is slightly awkward. Using "providing financial reinforcement" offers a more formal and precise alternative.
"progress process" -> "development process"
Explanation: "Progress process" is redundant. "Development process" is a more concise and appropriate term.
"promote labour quality" -> "enhance workforce quality"
Explanation: "Promote labour quality" could be more effectively communicated as "enhance workforce quality," aligning better with academic language.
"judicious" -> "reasonable"
Explanation: "Judicious" is slightly formal and might not fit the context well. "Reasonable" offers a more suitable alternative without losing meaning.
"bring on a superior outcome" -> "yield superior results"
Explanation: To improve clarity and formality, "yield superior results" is a more precise and academic phrasing.
"currency" -> "financial aid"
Explanation: Replacing "currency" with "financial aid" clarifies the context and aligns better with the intended meaning, avoiding potential confusion.
"an amount of money" -> "financial assistance"
Explanation: "An amount of money" is generic. "Financial assistance" is a more specific term, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"Concurrently" -> "Simultaneously"
Explanation: "Concurrently" is slightly formal. "Simultaneously" is a more straightforward alternative that maintains formality.
"strongly concur" -> "strongly agree"
Explanation: "Concur" is formal; however, "strongly agree" maintains formality while simplifying the language for better understanding.
By implementing these changes, the essay’s vocabulary will be more appropriate for an academic context, enhancing clarity and formality without compromising natural language flow.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "However, this assistant method could not deal with the dearth in the former; accordingly, some concur that developed countries should bring forward alternative approaches to support the underdeveloped ones instead of pecuniary support, and I totally subscribe to this judgment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively presents your agreement with the idea that developed countries should provide alternative support instead of financial aid. However, it would be beneficial to include a brief preview of the main points you will discuss in the body paragraphs. This can enhance the clarity of your essay’s structure, providing a roadmap for the reader.
- Improved example: "However, this alternative approach is argued to be more effective in addressing the dearth in underdeveloped countries. In this essay, I will discuss how direct funding of technology and investment in human resources can offer more sustainable solutions to the challenges faced by these nations."
Quoted text: "Instead of reinforcing money, rich nations can fund directly necessary technology equipment for the poorer ones. This solution can save time in inventing or purchasing facilities which are essential for the latter in their progress process."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your point about funding necessary technology equipment is well-stated. To enhance this argument, consider providing a specific example or case study to illustrate how such technological support has benefited a particular underdeveloped country. This would add depth and make your argument more persuasive.
- Improved example: "For instance, the direct funding of advanced agricultural technology in African nations has proven instrumental in increasing crop yields and promoting sustainable farming practices."
Quoted text: "Take the case in Vietnam as a concrete example: The Japan government announced funding medical machinery for Vietnam. With this assistance, Vietnam has an opportunity to improve the qualities of healthcare devices."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you provide an example, it lacks specific details about how the medical machinery has improved the quality of healthcare devices. Elaborate on the tangible benefits and outcomes resulting from Japan’s assistance to make your argument more convincing.
- Improved example: "In the case of Vietnam, the Japanese government’s funding of medical machinery has not only upgraded healthcare facilities but has also led to a significant reduction in patient waiting times, showcasing the practical impact of non-pecuniary aid."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, it is judicious that financial aid does not bring on a superior outcome."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your transition to the counterargument is clear, but consider providing a brief roadmap for the reader by stating the main points you will discuss in the following paragraphs. This can enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
- Improved example: "On the other hand, it is judicious that financial aid does not bring on a superior outcome. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the potential drawbacks of monetary assistance, emphasizing the risks associated with misallocation and dependency."
Quoted text: "If undeveloped countries are assisted by currency, this support will likely be used in other aspects as an alternative for the original sponsored purpose, which was unified among nations before."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While your point is valid, providing a specific example or case study of a country where financial aid was misused for purposes other than the original agreement would strengthen your argument.
- Improved example: "For example, when Zimbabwe received financial aid for agricultural development, a substantial portion of the funds was diverted to non-agricultural projects, illustrating the potential pitfalls of relying solely on monetary assistance."
Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, and with some enhancements in structuring and providing concrete examples, it could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a generally clear and logical organization of ideas, showing a progression throughout. The introduction sets up the argument coherently, introducing the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph presents a distinct idea related to alternative forms of aid, offering examples and reasoning to support the points made. Transitions between ideas within paragraphs are relatively smooth, aiding the essay’s overall coherence.
The essay effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "these"), connectors ("However," "Moreover," "On the other hand"), and referencing ("This solution," "Take the case in Vietnam as a concrete example"). These cohesive devices help connect ideas within and between sentences, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
Paragraphing is appropriately used to separate distinct ideas, aiding the reader’s understanding of the essay’s structure. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence and cohesion.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider refining sentence structures to ensure more varied and sophisticated use of cohesive devices. Additionally, focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs to strengthen the overall flow of ideas. Strive for greater precision in vocabulary and grammar usage for an even more polished and cohesive essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision in expression. The writer uses less common lexical items with an awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the fluency of the essay. However, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay successfully conveys its message with a good level of lexical control.
How to improve:
- Pay attention to word choice and ensure precision in conveying ideas. For example, in the first paragraph, "assistant method" could be replaced with "assistance method" for better clarity.
- Work on refining spelling and word formation. For instance, "dearth" might be better replaced with "poverty" in the opening paragraph.
- Continue incorporating less common lexical items to enhance the overall sophistication of the vocabulary.
- Proofread carefully to catch and correct minor errors, ensuring a consistently high level of lexical accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and a variety of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. The essay maintains good control of grammar and punctuation throughout. However, there are some instances of awkward phrasing and word choices that slightly affect the overall fluency. Additionally, there are a few errors in verb agreement and article usage that, while not pervasive, are noticeable.
How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and word choices. Paying closer attention to subject-verb agreement and ensuring consistency in article usage would contribute to a smoother and more polished essay. Additionally, a more precise choice of vocabulary and expression could elevate the overall clarity and impact of the writing.
Note: The essay is well-organized, and ideas are effectively presented. The content is relevant to the prompt, and examples are used to support the arguments. The improvements suggested primarily relate to the refinement of language use and minor grammatical details.
Bài sửa mẫu
Thanks to the expansion of international relations, some poorer countries receive financial aid from wealthier ones. However, this method of assistance may not effectively address the scarcity in the former. Accordingly, some believe that developed countries should explore alternative approaches to support underdeveloped nations instead of relying solely on financial aid, a view with which I strongly agree.
On one hand, it is reasonable to suggest that employing other methods to assist underdeveloped countries can yield superior results. Rather than providing financial reinforcement, affluent nations can directly fund necessary technology equipment for the poorer ones. This approach can significantly reduce the time required for inventing or procuring essential facilities crucial for their development process.
Moreover, sponsoring human resources can prove to be an efficient way to enhance workforce quality in the domestic market of underdeveloped nations. For instance, the Japanese government, in a tangible example, funded medical machinery for Vietnam. This assistance provided Vietnam with an opportunity to improve the quality of healthcare devices.
On the other hand, it is judicious to acknowledge that financial aid does not always bring about a superior outcome. If underdeveloped countries are assisted with currency, this support may be diverted to other areas, deviating from the initially sponsored purpose agreed upon by nations. Consequently, the intended purpose may not be fulfilled, and the specific problems faced by underdeveloped countries may persist. Moreover, there is a risk that poorer countries may become dependent on wealthier ones for financial problems if they rely solely on pecuniary aid. For example, Vietnam received financial aid from Russia initially intended for manufacturing material facilities. However, Vietnam redirected this financial budget towards environmental problems, deviating from the initial aim agreed upon by both nations. Consequently, poverty, particularly material problems, remained unsolved.
In conclusion, I strongly agree that non-pecuniary aid is a more beneficial method than financial aid for both developed and underdeveloped countries to effectively address and alleviate poverty.