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Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Poor countries are often given financial aid from richer ones in an attempt to provide the citizens of those disadvantaged countries with a better living standard. However, this kind of aid rarely solves the issue of poverty, and therefore I completely agree that richer nations should provide other forms of help.

Investing funds in economically challenged nations may initially appear attractive to wealthier countries, potentially enhancing their global standing and attracting more multinational business collaborations. However, the allocation of these funds is often limited and, at times, misdirected. Take, for example, the case of an American company, JDK, investing $10 million in a construction project in Indonesia. This project focused on erecting an anniversary statue, which, despite its grandeur, did not address critical issues such as poverty, education, or crime in Indonesia. This underscores the significance of allocating resources judiciously to effectively tackle problems in recipient countries.

Given that the root cause of poverty in many nations is often a lack of educational opportunities, developed countries could explore more targeted assistance measures. Scholarships and subsidies, specifically aimed at fostering education up to high school levels, can empower residents to secure better employment. Moreover, establishing long-term collaborations through initiatives such as joint ventures, and leveraging human resources can be mutually beneficial. Wealthier nations could borrow skilled employees from economically challenged countries, reciprocating by investing in national enterprises or ensuring competitive stock market returns. This symbiotic relationship would facilitate the transfer of technological and economic advancements, fostering the development of business skills in underdeveloped nations while providing gainful employment to their residents.

In conclusion, while financial aid can be beneficial when allocated judiciously, exploring alternative measures may offer more comprehensive solutions to the poverty afflicting underdeveloped countries.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Poor countries" -> "Less economically developed nations"
    Explanation: Replacing "Poor countries" with "Less economically developed nations" employs a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic style and avoiding potential negative connotations associated with the term "poor."

  2. "rarely solves the issue" -> "seldom addresses the problem"
    Explanation: Substituting "rarely solves the issue" with "seldom addresses the problem" enhances formality and precision, providing a more nuanced expression of the limited effectiveness of financial aid.

  3. "this kind of aid" -> "such assistance"
    Explanation: Replacing "this kind of aid" with "such assistance" contributes to a more formal and academic tone, avoiding informality while maintaining clarity.

  4. "attracting more multinational business collaborations" -> "enticing additional multinational business partnerships"
    Explanation: Substituting "attracting more multinational business collaborations" with "enticing additional multinational business partnerships" conveys a more sophisticated and formal tone, avoiding the repetition of the word "attract" and enhancing lexical diversity.

  5. "misdirected" -> "misallocated"
    Explanation: Changing "misdirected" to "misallocated" provides a more precise and formal term, aligning with academic language conventions.

  6. "Take, for example" -> "Consider, for instance"
    Explanation: Replacing "Take, for example" with "Consider, for instance" maintains formality and elevates the academic style of introducing an illustration.

  7. "erecting an anniversary statue" -> "constructing a commemorative statue"
    Explanation: Substituting "erecting an anniversary statue" with "constructing a commemorative statue" enhances formality and clarity, avoiding potential ambiguity associated with the term "anniversary."

  8. "underscores the significance of" -> "emphasizes the importance of"
    Explanation: Changing "underscores the significance of" to "emphasizes the importance of" maintains formality and uses a more standard phrase in academic writing.

  9. "fostering education up to high school levels" -> "promoting education through secondary levels"
    Explanation: Substituting "fostering education up to high school levels" with "promoting education through secondary levels" provides a more formal and precise expression of the educational support being discussed.

  10. "Symbiotic relationship" -> "Mutually beneficial partnership"
    Explanation: Replacing "Symbiotic relationship" with "Mutually beneficial partnership" offers a more formal and specific term, contributing to the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the different aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the inefficiency of financial aid in solving poverty and fully agrees with the notion that richer nations should provide alternative forms of help.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider delving deeper into potential alternative forms of help beyond education and business collaborations. Expanding on social welfare programs, healthcare initiatives, or infrastructural development could strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, agreeing that richer countries should offer other forms of assistance besides financial aid. It remains focused on this standpoint throughout the essay without wavering.
    • How to improve: To bolster clarity, ensure each paragraph ties explicitly back to the central thesis. Explicitly connecting the example of JDK’s investment in Indonesia to the argument about the limitations of financial aid could further solidify the stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and develops ideas. Examples, such as the case of JDK’s misdirected investment, substantiate the argument against the efficacy of financial aid in addressing poverty. Furthermore, the essay elaborates on alternative measures like educational scholarships and joint ventures, supporting these with explanations.
    • How to improve: To enhance depth, consider providing more diverse examples or case studies illustrating the success of alternative aid methods. Elaborate on the benefits and potential challenges of implementing these strategies to strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely maintains focus on the prompt, discussing the limitations of financial aid and advocating for alternative assistance methods. However, the discussion on joint ventures and stock market returns slightly digresses from the primary focus on poverty alleviation.
    • How to improve: Ensure all examples and arguments directly link back to addressing poverty. If discussing collaborations or investments, explicitly tie these to poverty reduction without veering into tangential discussions.

Overall Feedback:
The essay presents a coherent and well-structured response to the prompt, offering a clear stance and supporting it with relevant examples. To further improve, deepen the exploration of alternative assistance methods and maintain a direct connection between examples and the central argument on poverty alleviation. Additionally, expanding on the potential challenges or drawbacks of proposed alternative methods could enhance the depth of analysis. Overall, it’s a strong essay that effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt, warranting its Band Score of 7.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the issue and the author’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a clear sequence, discussing the limitations of financial aid and proposing alternative measures. The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, outlining the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. This can further guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and contributes to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent theme and supports the main argument. Consider refining transitions between paragraphs to strengthen the overall flow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices to connect ideas and create a coherent narrative. Transition words and phrases (e.g., "however," "moreover") are employed to signal shifts between arguments and maintain a smooth progression.
    • How to improve: While the current use of cohesive devices is commendable, diversifying the range of connectives could add richness to the text. Experiment with a variety of transitional expressions to ensure a nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the consistency of device usage throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with a well-organized structure and effective use of cohesive devices. To further enhance these aspects, consider refining the introduction’s roadmap, strengthening paragraph transitions, and experimenting with a broader range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "disadvantaged," "judiciously," "symbiotic relationship," and "underdeveloped countries." These choices contribute to a nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the richness of vocabulary, consider incorporating subject-specific terms related to economic development and poverty alleviation. For instance, instead of using the general term "economic advancements," consider specifying areas like "technological innovation" or "sustainable economic growth" to add precision.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision. For instance, the phrase "allocation of these funds is often limited and, at times, misdirected" accurately conveys the idea of funds not being effectively directed to address crucial issues. However, there are instances where more precise language could be employed. For example, in the phrase "lack of educational opportunities," specifying the nature of the lack, such as "limited access to quality education," would add clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in certain expressions. Instead of using broad terms, provide more details to precisely convey the intended meaning. This will enhance the overall clarity and impact of your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no apparent errors noted.
    • How to improve: Maintain the current standard of spelling accuracy by continuing to review and proofread your writing. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools as an additional precaution to ensure flawless execution.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with only minor opportunities for improvement. Focus on incorporating more subject-specific terms and strive for even greater precision in certain expressions to elevate the lexical resource to an even higher level.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of a conditional sentence ("if allocated judiciously") and the inclusion of a subordinate clause ("which, despite its grandeur, did not address critical issues") showcase a diverse range of structures. However, there is room for improvement in the integration of more complex sentence structures, such as parallelism and inversion, to add sophistication and nuance to the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating parallel structures for balance and symmetry. For instance, in the sentence discussing educational opportunities, you could employ parallelism by structuring ideas in a similar format, like "Scholarships and subsidies, aimed at fostering education up to high school levels, can empower residents and create better employment opportunities."
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances where the precision of language can be improved. For example, in the phrase "This underscores the significance of allocating resources judiciously to effectively tackle problems," the use of "to effectively tackle" could be revised to "for effectively tackling" to enhance grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to prepositions and their usage. In this case, consider using the preposition "for" to better align with the verb "tackling." Additionally, proofread for subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The punctuation in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are a few instances where punctuation could be refined for greater clarity. For example, in the sentence "Wealthier nations could borrow skilled employees from economically challenged countries, reciprocating by investing in national enterprises or ensuring competitive stock market returns," a semicolon could be used after "countries" to enhance the separation of ideas.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating semicolons or commas more strategically to delineate distinct ideas within complex sentences. In this case, a semicolon after "countries" would maintain coherence while indicating a shift in focus.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a commendable range of structures. Fine-tuning the integration of complex sentence structures and refining punctuation will further elevate the grammatical range and accuracy, potentially pushing the score towards an 8.

Bài sửa mẫu

Poorer countries often receive financial aid from wealthier nations in an attempt to uplift the living standards of their citizens. However, this form of aid often falls short in effectively addressing the complex issue of poverty. Therefore, I strongly agree that developed nations should extend different forms of assistance to these economically disadvantaged countries.

Initially, investing money in struggling nations might seem appealing to wealthier countries. This could enhance their global image and attract more partnerships with multinational businesses. Nevertheless, the allocation of these funds is frequently limited and sometimes misused. Consider, for instance, a situation where an American company, JDK, invested $10 million in constructing a commemorative statue in Indonesia. Despite its grandeur, this project failed to tackle crucial issues such as poverty, education, or crime in Indonesia. This highlights the importance of wisely directing resources to effectively address the problems in recipient countries.

Since the fundamental cause of poverty in many nations is often the lack of educational opportunities, developed countries could explore more targeted assistance approaches. Scholarships and financial support, specifically directed at promoting education up to the secondary levels, can empower citizens to attain better employment opportunities. Furthermore, establishing long-term partnerships through initiatives like collaborative ventures and utilizing human resources can be mutually beneficial. More prosperous nations could exchange skilled employees with economically challenged countries, reciprocating by investing in local businesses or ensuring competitive returns from the stock market. This mutually advantageous relationship would facilitate the exchange of technological and economic advancements, fostering the growth of business skills in underdeveloped nations while offering meaningful employment to their residents.

In conclusion, while judiciously allocated financial aid can be advantageous, exploring alternative measures might provide more comprehensive solutions to the poverty affecting underdeveloped countries. Addressing these issues through education-focused initiatives and fostering mutually beneficial partnerships can pave the way for more sustainable progress in combating poverty.

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