Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty, especially in the poor countries. The only possible way to reduce this phenomena is by raising financial aids from richer countries. However, this is not the solution for the poor issue, thus proving others types of aids instead of finance is what developed countries should. I agree that developed countries should assist others with regular items such as blanket, clothes or school kits.
First and foremost, the main problems of this issue is due to the failure in process of giving to intended receivers. Because of the corrupt government officials, this type of sources will be misused for their own purposes instead raising charity for poor people. The amount of donation that poor one receive in fact is only a little or nothing. Additionally, the lack of education is also the reasons why financial aids is inefficient. Without a well education, these people have no idea how to raise their own savings or spend them in a better way than use this sponsor for a temporary sake.
Therefore, investing on a better education system for poorer nations is worthier. A more practical way to offer help is to deploy teachers, build more educational institutions, and provide more resources like textbooks and school supplies.Due to their inability to read and write, many have to work in labour-intensive or dangerous jobs for extremely low wages and they have to keep borrowing money to cover their basic daily expenses Thus, when people are given the chance to go to school, they will be more likely to get a well-paid job, improve their living standards, and eventually lift themselves out of poverty.
In conclusion, i totally agree that the fincial aids does not solve the entire problem, instead of providing a billion dollar without clear plans, that amount should be invest in building a better educational system.
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Errors and Improvements:
"witnessed the increased in the poverty" -> "witnessed an increase in poverty"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. By changing it to "witnessed an increase in poverty," the sentence becomes more accurate and maintains a formal tone.
"this phenomena" -> "this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Phenomena" is the plural form, while "phenomenon" is the singular form. Since the sentence refers to a singular occurrence, "this phenomenon" is more appropriate.
"others types of aids" -> "other types of assistance"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. Changing it to "other types of assistance" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the need for various forms of aid.
"thus proving" -> "thus proposing"
Explanation: The use of "proving" seems misplaced in the context. Changing it to "thus proposing" suggests a course of action, aligning with the subsequent argument about providing different types of aid.
"blanket, clothes or school kits" -> "blankets, clothing, or school supplies"
Explanation: Pluralizing "blanket" and "clothes" and replacing "school kits" with "school supplies" improves the precision and formality of the sentence.
"First and foremost, the main problems of this issue is" -> "First and foremost, the primary issues of this problem are"
Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement and phrasing for better clarity. "Problems" is plural, so "are" is used instead of "is."
"because of the corrupt government officials" -> "due to corruption among government officials"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal use of "because of."
"misused for their own purposes instead raising charity" -> "misused for personal gain rather than promoting charity"
Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity by choosing more precise language and avoiding informal phrasing.
"this sponsor for a temporary sake" -> "this aid for short-term relief"
Explanation: Replacing "sponsor" with "aid" and refining the phrase for better clarity and formality.
"financial aids is inefficient" -> "financial aid is ineffective"
Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement and choosing a more precise term to convey the intended meaning.
"Without a well education" -> "Without a proper education"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrase for grammatical accuracy and formality.
"raise their own savings" -> "manage their finances"
Explanation: Choosing a more appropriate term for handling money in a formal context.
"build more educational institutions" -> "construct additional educational institutions"
Explanation: Employing more formal language to describe the construction of educational facilities.
"people are given the chance to go to school" -> "individuals are provided the opportunity for education"
Explanation: Replacing casual phrasing with more formal language while maintaining the meaning.
"i totally agree" -> "I wholeheartedly agree"
Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing the informal "totally" with a more sophisticated adverb.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the inadequacy of financial aid and suggests alternative forms of assistance, such as blankets, clothes, and school kits. Relevant sections are cited to support this analysis, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately addresses all parts of the question, providing more specific examples or elaborating on the types of non-financial aid could enhance the depth of the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing agreement with the idea that developed countries should provide non-financial aid to poorer nations. Specific examples, such as investing in education, are used to support this stance, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the main point in the introduction and conclusion. This can reinforce the essay’s central argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, particularly by highlighting the issues with financial aid, such as corruption and lack of education. The concept of investing in education is well-extended and supported with examples, creating a well-developed argument.
- How to improve: While the essay is generally well-constructed, providing additional examples or real-world instances of successful non-financial aid initiatives could add depth and nuance to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the inefficiency of financial aid and advocating for alternative forms of assistance, specifically education. However, there are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that may momentarily distract the reader.
- How to improve: Careful proofreading and editing can help eliminate distracting errors, ensuring the reader stays fully engaged with the essay’s content. Additionally, consider refining sentence structures for smoother readability.
This essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively develops a coherent argument. To enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the main point in the introduction and conclusion, incorporating real-world instances, and refining language for clarity. Overall, it is a well-constructed and insightful essay that meets the criteria for an 8 on the Task Response band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins by introducing the issue of poverty and financial aid, transitions into the problems associated with financial aid, and ultimately advocates for a focus on education as a more effective solution. However, the progression could be smoother. For instance, the link between the failure of financial aid due to corruption and the lack of education as a reason for inefficiency could be more explicitly connected for enhanced coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical flow, ensure that each paragraph naturally leads to the next. Explicitly connect ideas and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay. In this case, strengthen the link between corrupt officials misusing financial aid and the lack of education contributing to its inefficiency.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure could be more refined. The first paragraph introduces the topic broadly, while the second addresses the problems of financial aid. The third paragraph discusses the lack of education as a reason for inefficiency and proposes investing in education. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, but there’s room for improvement in the overall coherence and the transition between paragraphs.
- How to improve: Consider a more organized paragraph structure. The second paragraph could delve deeper into the problems with financial aid before introducing the education solution in the third paragraph. Ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow and clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "First and foremost" and "Therefore." However, there’s a need for more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more cohesive essay.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, linking words, and synonyms to connect ideas more effectively. For instance, use words like "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" to enhance the coherence between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that these devices guide the reader through the logical progression of your argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but some words are repeated, and there is room for improvement in introducing more sophisticated vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance your lexical range, consider incorporating more diverse synonyms and exploring nuanced vocabulary. For example, instead of frequently using the term "poor," try alternatives like "underprivileged" or "economically disadvantaged" to demonstrate a deeper lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates imprecise vocabulary usage at times. For instance, the phrase "raising financial aids" could be more precisely articulated as "mobilizing financial assistance." Identifying such instances will contribute to a more polished and accurate expression of ideas.
- How to improve: Take time to carefully choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Revising sentences to use more accurate terms will strengthen your vocabulary precision. Utilize a thesaurus or language resources to identify fitting synonyms for common words and expressions.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "witnessed the increased," "phenomena," and "finacial aids." These errors affect the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: Proofread your work carefully, focusing on common spelling mistakes. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar-checking tools to catch errors. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing before submission will significantly contribute to improved spelling accuracy.
In conclusion, while the essay exhibits some strengths in vocabulary usage, there is room for enhancement. Incorporating a more extensive range of vocabulary, ensuring precision in word choice, and addressing spelling errors will contribute to an overall improvement in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of structures. The majority of sentences tend to be of a straightforward nature, lacking complexity and variety. For instance, there is a consistent use of simple sentence structures such as "The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty," which can be enhanced by incorporating more complex structures for a richer expression of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and improve overall sentence structure, consider incorporating complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varying sentence lengths. For instance, instead of relying on simple sentences, aim to combine ideas in a more intricate manner. This can be achieved by using conjunctions and transitions to create a flow between different thoughts. This will not only elevate the quality of the writing but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a noticeable level of grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb tense consistency. For example, "The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty" should be corrected to "The 20th century witnessed an increase in poverty." There are also minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization, that slightly impact the overall clarity.
- How to improve: To address grammatical inaccuracies, carefully review and revise sentences for correct subject-verb agreement, proper article usage, and consistent verb tense. It would be beneficial to focus on common errors such as singular/plural agreement and proper article placement. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, ensuring proper usage of commas and capitalization. A thorough proofreading process before finalizing the essay can help eliminate these errors, contributing to a more polished and accurate piece of writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of English, improvements in sentence variety and grammatical accuracy can lead to a more refined and higher-scoring essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The 20th century witnessed an increase in poverty, especially in poor countries. The only possible way to reduce this phenomenon is by raising financial aids from richer countries. However, this is not the solution for the poor issue, thus proving other types of aids instead of finance is what developed countries should. I agree that developed countries should assist others with regular items such as blankets, clothes, or school kits.
First and foremost, the primary issues of this problem are due to the failure in the process of giving to intended receivers. Because of corrupt government officials, this type of sources will be misused for their purposes instead of raising charity for poor people. The amount of donation that the poor receive, in fact, is only a little or nothing. Additionally, the lack of education is also the reason why financial aids are inefficient. Without a proper education, these people have no idea how to manage their finances, and they may use this sponsor for temporary relief.
Therefore, investing in a better education system for poorer nations is worthier. A more practical way to offer help is to deploy teachers, build more educational institutions, and provide more resources like textbooks and school supplies. Due to their inability to read and write, many have to work in labor-intensive or dangerous jobs for extremely low wages, and they have to keep borrowing money to cover their basic daily expenses. Thus, when individuals are provided the opportunity for education, they will be more likely to get a well-paid job, improve their living standards, and eventually lift themselves out of poverty.
In conclusion, I wholeheartedly agree that financial aids do not solve the entire problem. Instead of providing a billion dollars without clear plans, that amount should be invested in building a better educational system.