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Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty, especially in the poor countries. The only possible way to reduce this phenomena is by raising financial aids from richer countries. However, this is not the solution for the poor issue, thus proving others types of aids instead of finance is what developed countries should. I agree that developed countries should assist others with regular items such as blanket, clothes or school kits.

First and foremost, the main problems of this issue is due to the failure in process of giving to intended receivers. Because of the corrupt government officials, this type of sources will be misused for their own purposes instead raising charity for poor people. The amount of donation that poor one receive in fact is only a little or nothing. Additionally, the lack of education is also the reasons why financial aids is inefficient. Without a well education, these people have no idea how to raise their own savings or spend them in a better way than use this sponsor for a temporary sake.

Therefore, investing on a better education system for poorer nations is worthier. A more practical way to offer help is to deploy teachers, build more educational institutions, and provide more resources like textbooks and school supplies.Due to their inability to read and write, many have to work in labour-intensive or dangerous jobs for extremely low wages and they have to keep borrowing money to cover their basic daily expenses Thus, when people are given the chance to go to school, they will be more likely to get a well-paid job, improve their living standards, and eventually lift themselves out of poverty.

In conclusion, i totally agree that the fincial aids does not solve the entire problem, instead of providing a billion dollar without clear plans, that amount should be invest in building a better educational system.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty, especially in the poor countries."
    -> "The 20th century witnessed an increase in poverty, especially in impoverished nations."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "an increase in poverty" instead of "the increased in the poverty" improves clarity and aligns with formal language conventions.

  2. "However, this is not the solution for the poor issue, thus proving others types of aids instead of finance is what developed countries should."
    -> "However, relying solely on financial aid is not a comprehensive solution to poverty. Therefore, exploring alternative forms of assistance, beyond mere financial support, is imperative for developed countries."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and using more precise language, such as "comprehensive solution" and "alternative forms of assistance," enhances the academic tone.

  3. "thus proving others types of aids"
    -> "thus, advocating for other types of aid"
    Explanation: Replacing "proving" with "advocating for" maintains the flow and conveys the idea more formally.

  4. "First and foremost, the main problems of this issue is due to the failure in process of giving to intended receivers."
    -> "First and foremost, the primary issues contributing to this problem stem from the flawed process of delivering aid to the intended recipients."
    Explanation: Using "stem from" instead of "is due to" and rephrasing the sentence improves precision and formality.

  5. "Because of the corrupt government officials, this type of sources will be misused for their own purposes instead raising charity for poor people."
    -> "Due to corrupt government officials, these resources are prone to misuse for personal gain, rather than being utilized for charitable purposes to help the poor."
    Explanation: Enhancing the sentence structure and using more precise terms like "prone to misuse" improves the formality of the expression.

  6. "Additionally, the lack of education is also the reasons why financial aids is inefficient."
    -> "Furthermore, the inefficiency of financial aid can be attributed to a lack of education."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "can be attributed to" instead of "is also the reasons why" enhances clarity and formality.

  7. "Without a well education, these people have no idea how to raise their own savings or spend them in a better way than use this sponsor for a temporary sake."
    -> "Without proper education, individuals lack the knowledge of managing their savings effectively, leading to the reliance on sponsors for short-term needs."
    Explanation: Using "proper education" and rephrasing the sentence improves precision and formality.

  8. "Therefore, investing on a better education system for poorer nations is worthier."
    -> "Therefore, investing in an enhanced education system for impoverished nations is more worthwhile."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "more worthwhile" instead of "worthier" improves formality and clarity.

  9. "A more practical way to offer help is to deploy teachers, build more educational institutions, and provide more resources like textbooks and school supplies."
    -> "A more pragmatic approach to providing assistance involves deploying teachers, constructing additional educational institutions, and supplying resources such as textbooks and school supplies."
    Explanation: Replacing "practical" with "pragmatic" and refining the sentence structure enhances the formality of the expression.

  10. "i totally agree"
    -> "I fully agree"
    Explanation: Capitalizing "I" and using "fully" instead of "totally" improves the formal tone of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the inefficiency of financial aid and supports the idea that developed countries should provide other types of assistance to poorer nations.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects, there is room for improvement in the clarity of the analysis. Provide more specific examples or evidence to support the claim that financial aid is misused due to corrupt officials.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout, supporting the notion that developed countries should offer assistance in the form of items like blankets, clothes, or school kits rather than financial aid.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the essay’s stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the consistent presentation of the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents the ideas, elaborates on the problems with financial aid, and supports the argument for alternative forms of assistance. Specific examples, such as corrupt officials misusing funds, and the lack of education are well-articulated.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider expanding on the solutions proposed. For instance, provide more detailed examples of how an improved education system can specifically address poverty.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the shortcomings of financial aid and advocating for alternative assistance.
    • How to improve: Avoid generalizations and ensure that each point made is directly related to the prompt. Additionally, address any potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, providing more specific examples and expanding on proposed solutions would enhance the depth and effectiveness of the argument. Additionally, reinforcing the essay’s position in the introduction and conclusion will contribute to a more cohesive and impactful response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a logical organization, but there are areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. For instance, the introduction could provide a clearer roadmap for the reader by outlining the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs discuss the issues of corrupt officials and lack of education, but the transition between these points is somewhat abrupt.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a more structured introduction that previews the key arguments. Additionally, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs, guiding the reader from one point to the next. This will help maintain a clear and cohesive flow of ideas throughout the essay.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is generally effective, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph discusses corrupt officials and the misuse of financial aid, but the ideas could be more elaborated for a better understanding.

    • How to improve: Aim for more detailed development within each paragraph. Provide specific examples or elaborate on the consequences of corrupt officials misusing funds. This will not only strengthen the arguments but also contribute to a more comprehensive and cohesive essay.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "First and foremost" and "In conclusion." However, there is limited use of other devices, and the connections between sentences and ideas could be more explicit.

    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a variety of linking words and phrases within and between sentences. For example, use words like "moreover," "furthermore," or "however" to establish relationships between ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more coherent progression of arguments.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally effective organization, there is room for improvement in providing a clearer roadmap in the introduction, enhancing paragraph development, and diversifying cohesive devices for a more cohesive and logically structured response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but it is not consistently successful. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "poor countries," "financial aids," and "developed countries" could be diversified for a richer lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider using synonyms and alternative expressions. Instead of frequently repeating phrases, explore different terms that convey similar meanings. For example, use synonyms for "poor countries" such as "economically disadvantaged nations" or "underprivileged regions."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Some imprecise language is observed, impacting the clarity of expression. For instance, the phrase "the only possible way" might be too absolute, and the use of "inefficient" could be more precisely replaced with a term like "ineffective" for a stronger impact.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision in language by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid overly absolute statements and opt for terms that accurately reflect the degree or extent of a situation. Instead of "the only possible way," consider using phrases like "one effective approach." Replace "financial aids is inefficient" with "financial aid proves ineffective."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is an issue in the essay, with several spelling errors, such as "increased in the poverty," "phenomena," and "finacial aids." These errors can detract from the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying attention to common spelling mistakes. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools and, if possible, seek feedback from others. Practicing spelling through regular writing exercises can also contribute to improvement.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more refined and effective expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, with some variety in sentence length and complexity. Simple and compound sentences are predominantly used. For example, the essay contains sentences like, "The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty, especially in the poor countries," which displays a mix of simple and compound structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as complex-compound sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of consistently starting sentences with a subject, try utilizing introductory phrases or dependent clauses to create a more sophisticated flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of grammatical errors throughout the essay, affecting the overall accuracy. For example, "The 20th century witnessed the increased in the poverty," contains a subject-verb agreement error ("increased" should be "increase"). Punctuation marks, such as commas and periods, are generally used correctly, but there are occasional errors, like the missing comma in "the fincial aids does not solve the entire problem."
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and sentence structure. Additionally, ensure consistent and accurate use of punctuation marks. Reviewing grammar rules and practicing with various sentence structures will contribute to improved accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structures. To enhance the score, focus on refining sentence complexity and eliminating grammatical errors through thorough proofreading and continued practice.

Bài sửa mẫu

The 20th century witnessed an increase in poverty, especially in impoverished nations. However, relying solely on financial aid is not a comprehensive solution to poverty. Therefore, exploring alternative forms of assistance, beyond mere financial support, is imperative for developed countries. Advocating for other types of aid is essential.

First and foremost, the primary issues contributing to this problem stem from the flawed process of delivering aid to the intended recipients. Due to corrupt government officials, these resources are prone to misuse for personal gain, rather than being utilized for charitable purposes to help the poor. Furthermore, the inefficiency of financial aid can be attributed to a lack of education. Without proper education, individuals lack the knowledge of managing their savings effectively, leading to the reliance on sponsors for short-term needs. Therefore, investing in an enhanced education system for impoverished nations is more worthwhile.

A more pragmatic approach to providing assistance involves deploying teachers, constructing additional educational institutions, and supplying resources such as textbooks and school supplies. I fully agree.

In conclusion, while financial aid has its limitations, addressing the root causes of poverty through education can bring about lasting change. Instead of merely providing funds without clear plans, developed countries should invest in building a better educational system, thereby empowering individuals to break the cycle of poverty.

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