Sample 3: Environmental damage is the problem of most countries. What factors damage the environment and who should take responsibility?

Environmental deterioration has been a concern for all nations worldwide, contributed by interconnected factors. While industrialization and population growth notably compromise the environment, authorities and individuals should be responsible for eliminating those causes.

Harmful pollutants are inevitable by-products of industrial activities, degrading the air quality. More specifically, companies burn fuel fossils to have energy serving the manufacturing procedure. Besides, water pollution is also a significant issue, as industrial waste is often dumped into rivers and oceans, contaminating ecosystems. Additionally, the increase in population is consistent with the higher need for accommodations and buildings. This stimulates the actions of illegal logging and uncontrollable deforestation, leading to a decline in biodiversity and exacerbating soil erosion. Together, these factors are major contributors to climate change, causing severe environmental damage.

The government plays a crucial role in addressing this global problem. In other words, measures should be urgently taken by the authorities who influence each nation. Immediate implementation of stricter environmental regulations can mitigate the rate of environmental illegal activities. Apart from that, they should also promote sustainable practices, and invest more in renewable energies and waste treatment systems. To acquire decent outcomes, individuals bear considerable responsibility for committing those steps. They can also reduce their consumption, enroll in collaborative environment activities, and live a green lifestyle to moderate harmful factors, making a healthier planet.

In conclusion, environmental deterioration is a controversial problem caused by multiple reasons. Humankind is in charge of settling this when people’s activities are the main contributing factors, and they also suffer from the impacts of environmental degradation. Both the government and individuals should take collaborative actions to strive for a more sustainable planet.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"has been a concern for all nations worldwide" -> "has been a global concern"
Explanation: The phrase "a global concern" is more concise and academically appropriate, avoiding the redundancy of "all nations worldwide."
"notably compromise the environment" -> "significantly compromise the environment"
Explanation: "Significantly" is more precise and formal than "notably," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic writing.
"should be responsible for eliminating those causes" -> "should be accountable for addressing these causes"
Explanation: "Accountable" is more specific and formal than "responsible," and "addressing" is a more precise verb choice than "eliminating," which might imply complete removal, which is not always feasible or desirable.
"Harmful pollutants are inevitable by-products" -> "Harmful pollutants are inevitable byproducts"
Explanation: "Byproducts" is the correct term in this context, as it refers to substances produced during a process, whereas "by-products" is a less formal and less precise term.
"burn fuel fossils" -> "burn fossil fuels"
Explanation: "Fossil fuels" is the correct term, referring to fuels derived from ancient organic matter, whereas "fuel fossils" is incorrect and unclear.
"serving the manufacturing procedure" -> "supporting the manufacturing process"
Explanation: "Supporting" is more accurate in this context, as it implies assistance or facilitation, whereas "serving" can imply a more direct or passive role.
"is often dumped into rivers and oceans" -> "is frequently discharged into rivers and oceans"
Explanation: "Discharged" is a more precise term in environmental contexts, indicating the release of substances into waterways.
"consistently with the higher need" -> "in tandem with the increasing demand"
Explanation: "In tandem with the increasing demand" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of "consistently with."
"stimulates the actions of illegal logging" -> "encourages illegal logging"
Explanation: "Encourages" is a more direct and formal term than "stimulates," which can be vague and less specific in this context.
"uncontrollable deforestation" -> "unregulated deforestation"
Explanation: "Unregulated" is more specific and accurate in describing the lack of control or oversight in deforestation, rather than "uncontrollable," which implies a lack of ability to control.
"measures should be urgently taken" -> "immediate measures should be implemented"
Explanation: "Implemented" is more specific and formal than "taken," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"invest more in renewable energies and waste treatment systems" -> "invest more in renewable energy sources and waste management systems"
Explanation: "Renewable energy sources" and "waste management systems" are more specific and technically accurate terms than "renewable energies" and "waste treatment systems."
"To acquire decent outcomes" -> "To achieve significant outcomes"
Explanation: "Achieve" is more formal and precise than "acquire," which can imply obtaining something through purchase or possession, which is not the intended meaning here.
"enroll in collaborative environment activities" -> "participate in collaborative environmental activities"
Explanation: "Participate" is more appropriate than "enroll," which is typically used for formal educational programs, not community or environmental activities.
"live a green lifestyle" -> "adopt a sustainable lifestyle"
Explanation: "Adopt a sustainable lifestyle" is more formal and specific than "live a green lifestyle," which is colloquial and less precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying key factors that damage the environment, such as industrialization, population growth, and pollution. The author also discusses who should take responsibility, attributing this to both the government and individuals. The mention of specific examples, such as fuel fossil burning and illegal logging, strengthens the response. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the prompt in the conclusion, reiterating the factors and responsibilities more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could explicitly list the factors in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring that the reader can easily identify them. Additionally, providing more specific examples or statistics related to environmental damage could further substantiate the claims made.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both the government and individuals share responsibility for environmental damage. This stance is consistently presented throughout the essay, particularly in the second and third paragraphs where the roles of each party are discussed. However, the phrase "environmental deterioration is a controversial problem" in the conclusion could create ambiguity regarding the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the author should avoid using terms like "controversial" that may imply uncertainty. Instead, a more definitive statement about the shared responsibility would reinforce the position. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion can help solidify the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas related to environmental damage and responsibility. Each idea is supported with relevant examples, such as the impact of industrial waste on water quality and the consequences of population growth on deforestation. However, some ideas could be further developed; for instance, the mention of "collaborative environment activities" could be elaborated upon to clarify what these entail.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the essay, the author should aim to extend their ideas with more detailed explanations or examples. For instance, discussing specific sustainable practices that individuals can adopt or providing case studies of successful government interventions could enhance the support for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely on topic, focusing on environmental damage and the responsibilities of different parties. However, the phrase "environmental deterioration is a controversial problem" could distract from the main focus, as it introduces an element of debate rather than a straightforward discussion of responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid introducing potentially distracting phrases and instead concentrate on reinforcing the main argument throughout the essay. Regularly referring back to the prompt in each paragraph can help ensure that all content remains relevant to the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With slight adjustments in clarity, depth, and focus, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents information in a generally logical order, starting with the identification of environmental issues and moving on to discuss the responsibilities of both the government and individuals. The introduction clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed, which aids in guiding the reader. However, the transition between ideas could be improved. For instance, the shift from discussing industrial pollution to population growth feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas. For example, when moving from industrial pollution to population growth, a phrase like "In addition to industrial activities, another significant factor is…" could help the reader follow the argument more smoothly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis can strengthen the overall organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic: the first on environmental damage, the second on governmental responsibility, and the third on individual actions. However, the conclusion could be more distinct from the preceding paragraphs, as it currently feels like a continuation rather than a summarization.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and summarizes the main points without introducing new information. A strong concluding statement that reiterates the thesis and the importance of collective responsibility could enhance the impact of the conclusion. Additionally, consider using subheadings or clearer transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "besides," "more specifically," and "in other words," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel slightly repetitive in their structure. For example, the phrase "should be" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "should," you could vary it with "ought to," "must," or "are encouraged to." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "consequently," "as a result," or "in contrast," can enhance the sophistication of the writing. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also help in achieving a more varied and engaging writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help to elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "environmental deterioration," "industrialization," and "biodiversity." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, phrases like "harmful pollutants" and "energy serving the manufacturing procedure" could be expressed with more varied synonyms or phrases to enhance richness. The use of "significant issue" and "major contributors" also reflects a tendency to rely on common descriptors rather than exploring more nuanced vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more advanced terms. For example, instead of repeating "significant issue," they could use "critical challenge" or "pressing concern." Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating idiomatic expressions could further enrich the language used.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "burn fuel fossils" is awkward; the correct term would be "burn fossil fuels." Additionally, "the actions of illegal logging" could be more precisely stated as "illegal logging activities." Such imprecisions can detract from the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should review their vocabulary choices and ensure that terms are used correctly. They could benefit from using a thesaurus to find more appropriate words and phrases. Moreover, proofreading for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay would help eliminate such errors.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no glaring errors present. However, there are minor issues that could be addressed, such as the phrase "fuel fossils," which should be "fossil fuels." While this is more of a vocabulary issue, it highlights the importance of spelling in conveying the correct meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch any spelling errors or awkward phrasing that may have been overlooked.

Overall, while the essay achieves a Band 6 in Lexical Resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of writing and potentially raise the band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "While industrialization and population growth notably compromise the environment, authorities and individuals should be responsible for eliminating those causes" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures in "measures should be urgently taken by the authorities who influence each nation" showcases an understanding of more sophisticated grammatical forms. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of variety in the use of conjunctions, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "The government" or "Individuals," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to governmental efforts," or "From an individual perspective," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the text.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For instance, the phrase "burn fuel fossils" should be corrected to "burn fossil fuels" for accuracy. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "and" in lists or before "who" in non-defining relative clauses. For example, "the authorities who influence each nation" could be clearer as "the authorities, who influence each nation," depending on the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread for common errors, particularly in word choice and phrasing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could also help identify subtle mistakes. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding lists and clauses, will enhance clarity and readability. The writer might consider revisiting the rules for comma usage in complex sentences to ensure that their writing is both grammatically correct and easy to follow.

Overall, the essay is strong in both grammatical range and accuracy, achieving a band score of 8. With attention to diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the writer can aim for an even higher level of proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Environmental deterioration has been a global concern for all nations, driven by interconnected factors. While industrialization and population growth significantly compromise the environment, both authorities and individuals should be accountable for addressing these causes.

Harmful pollutants are inevitable by-products of industrial activities, degrading air quality. More specifically, companies burn fossil fuels to generate energy for supporting the manufacturing process. Additionally, water pollution is a significant issue, as industrial waste is frequently discharged into rivers and oceans, contaminating ecosystems. Furthermore, the increase in population is in tandem with the rising demand for accommodations and buildings. This stimulates illegal logging and unregulated deforestation, leading to a decline in biodiversity and exacerbating soil erosion. Together, these factors are major contributors to climate change, causing severe environmental damage.

The government plays a crucial role in tackling this global problem. In other words, immediate measures should be implemented by authorities who influence each nation. The urgent implementation of stricter environmental regulations can mitigate the rate of illegal activities that harm the environment. Apart from that, they should also promote sustainable practices and invest more in renewable energy sources and waste management systems. To achieve significant outcomes, individuals bear considerable responsibility for committing to these steps. They can also reduce their consumption, participate in collaborative environmental activities, and adopt a sustainable lifestyle to mitigate harmful factors, contributing to a healthier planet.

In conclusion, environmental deterioration is a pressing problem caused by multiple factors. Humankind is responsible for addressing this issue, as human activities are the main contributing factors, and people also suffer from the impacts of environmental degradation. Both the government and individuals should take collaborative actions to strive for a more sustainable planet.