Schools don’t do enough to teach students about their health. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that schools do not do enough in order to teach childrens about their health. From my point of view, I totally concur with this statement because of several reasons.

It cannot be denied that schools play a vital role in teaching students how to improve their health to some extent. In schools, many practical subjects are taught with reasonable time, long enough for kids to understand, therefore increasing their awareness of protecting their health. Taking biology or physical education (PE) as typical examples. It is true that through biology, students can broaden their horizon about human organs and dangerous diseases, such as: obesity, diabetes, cancer …, which stem from unhealthy life. Moreover, they also know how to do physical exercise perfectly by learning PE in schools. As a result, kids can protect their fitness by themselves, having a meaningful and healthy life.

On the other hand, I think that apart from schools, there are a lot of other methods to educate offsprings to live healthy. Firstly, families serve as a key determiner in shaping their kids’ lifestyle. This means that if parents do exercise or play sports regularly, their kids will mimic and create a habit to enhance their physical as well as mental health. Another means of education is societies, for instance, it is easy for kids to see educational advertisements or a range of exercise videos when surfing social media. In this way, children can have access to gain more knowledge directly about health everywhere and everywhen. Meanwhile, with the limited time, places and infrastructures, schools cannot comprehensively train about heath for pupils so families along with societies have to join hands to educate kids about a healthy lifestyle.

In conclusion, I completely agree that learning about health in schools is not enough due to its restrictive educational time. Instead, learning about a healthy life through families or societies is also much more productive and needs to be encouraged.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"do not do enough" -> "do not do enough to teach"
Explanation: Adding "to teach" clarifies the purpose of the statement, enhancing the precision and specificity of the criticism about the educational efforts of schools.
"childrens" -> "children"
Explanation: "Childrens" is a possessive form and is incorrect in this context. The correct form is simply "children."
"I totally concur" -> "I strongly agree"
Explanation: "Totally concur" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Strongly agree" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"because of several reasons" -> "for several reasons"
Explanation: "Because of" is less formal and slightly awkward in this context. "For" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"It cannot be denied" -> "It is undeniable"
Explanation: "It cannot be denied" is a bit verbose and informal. "It is undeniable" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"many practical subjects are taught with reasonable time, long enough for kids to understand" -> "many practical subjects are allocated sufficient time, allowing students to comprehend"
Explanation: "Reasonable time" is vague and informal. "Sufficient time" is more precise and formal. Also, replacing "kids" with "students" aligns with the academic tone.
"Taking biology or physical education (PE) as typical examples" -> "Biology and physical education (PE) serve as exemplary examples"
Explanation: "Taking as typical examples" is informal and awkward. "Serve as exemplary examples" is more formal and academically appropriate.
"broaden their horizon" -> "expand their horizons"
Explanation: "Broaden their horizon" is grammatically incorrect. "Expand their horizons" is the correct phrase.
"dangerous diseases, such as: obesity, diabetes, cancer …" -> "serious diseases such as obesity, diabetes, and cancer"
Explanation: The ellipsis after "cancer" is informal and unclear. Using "and" instead of an ellipsis provides clarity and maintains formality.
"kids can protect their fitness by themselves" -> "students can maintain their physical fitness independently"
Explanation: "Kids" is too informal for academic writing. "Students" is more appropriate, and "maintain their physical fitness independently" is more precise and formal.
"a lot of other methods" -> "several other methods"
Explanation: "A lot of" is informal and vague. "Several" is more precise and formal.
"offsprings" -> "children"
Explanation: "Offsprings" is an archaic and less common term. "Children" is the standard and preferred term in modern English.
"societies, for instance, it is easy for kids to see" -> "societies, for instance, it is easy for children to access"
Explanation: "Kids" is too informal and "see" is vague. "Children" and "access" are more precise and formal.
"everywhen" -> "everywhere"
Explanation: "Everywhen" is not a standard term in English. "Everywhere" is the correct adverbial form.
"comprehensively train about heath" -> "comprehensively educate on health"
Explanation: "Train about" is incorrect. "Educate on" is the correct preposition for discussing teaching about a subject.
"join hands" -> "collaborate"
Explanation: "Join hands" is an idiom and less formal. "Collaborate" is a more precise and formal term suitable for academic writing.
"much more productive" -> "more effective"
Explanation: "Much more productive" is informal and imprecise. "More effective" is a more formal and academically appropriate term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing that schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion that acknowledges the positive aspects of health education in schools while emphasizing the need for improvement. For example, while the essay mentions biology and PE, it could further elaborate on how these subjects could be enhanced or integrated with more comprehensive health education.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, consider including a brief acknowledgment of the current health education efforts in schools and then argue why they are insufficient. This balanced approach will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that schools are insufficient in teaching health. The use of phrases like "I totally concur" and "I completely agree" reinforces this stance. However, the transition between the discussion of schools and the role of families and societies could be clearer. The second body paragraph introduces new ideas without adequately linking them back to the main argument about schools.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, use transitional phrases that connect the discussion of schools to the roles of families and society. For instance, you could state, "While schools play a role, it is essential to recognize that families and society also contribute significantly to health education."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of biology and PE in schools and the influence of families and society on children’s health. However, some points lack depth. For example, the mention of "educational advertisements or a range of exercise videos" is vague and could be expanded upon with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, provide specific examples or evidence. For instance, you could mention specific programs or initiatives that have been successful in promoting health education outside of schools. This would add credibility to your argument and demonstrate thorough research.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the inadequacies of health education in schools. However, the introduction of the idea that families and societies also play a role could be seen as a slight deviation from the main focus, which is the role of schools. While this point is relevant, it may distract from the primary argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points made directly support the thesis regarding schools’ responsibilities. If discussing families and societies, explicitly link these points back to how they highlight the shortcomings of schools in health education. For example, you could say, "This highlights the necessity for schools to enhance their health education programs, as families and societies cannot fully compensate for the gaps in school curricula."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that schools do not do enough to teach students about health. The introduction states the writer’s position effectively. The body paragraphs are organized into two main arguments: the role of schools and the influence of families and society. However, the transition between these two points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the role of schools to the role of families feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the role of schools, a sentence like "However, the responsibility of educating children about health does not solely rest on schools" could serve as a bridge to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, which is a strength. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided to separate the discussion of biology and physical education into two distinct points, allowing for a clearer focus on each subject.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the first body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one dedicated to the role of biology in health education and another focused on physical education. This would not only improve clarity but also allow for more detailed discussion of each subject.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "moreover," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion." These devices help to connect ideas and signal transitions. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the use of "this means that" could be replaced with more varied phrases to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "in addition," "furthermore," or "conversely" to introduce new ideas or contrast points. Additionally, ensure that each sentence flows into the next by using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which will create a more cohesive narrative.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "vital role," "broaden their horizon," and "educational advertisements." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "teach students about their health," which could be varied. The use of "offsprings" is also incorrect; the correct term is "offspring." Additionally, phrases like "having a meaningful and healthy life" could be more creatively expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "teach" and "health," alternatives such as "educate," "instruct," "well-being," or "fitness" could be utilized. Incorporating more specific vocabulary related to health education, such as "nutrition," "wellness programs," or "preventive measures," would also enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used effectively, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "children" is misspelled as "childrens," and "heath" should be "health." The phrase "to live healthy" is also awkward; it would be more precise to say "to live healthily." The use of "create a habit" is vague and could be better articulated as "develop healthy habits."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This includes proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or using vocabulary resources can help in selecting the most appropriate words for the context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "childrens," "heath," and "offsprings." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or flashcards. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times, or reading it aloud, can help catch spelling mistakes. Utilizing tools like spell checkers can also be beneficial, but reliance solely on them should be avoided, as they may not catch all errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling skills, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of the complex sentence "This means that if parents do exercise or play sports regularly, their kids will mimic and create a habit to enhance their physical as well as mental health" effectively conveys a causal relationship. However, some sentences are overly simplistic or repetitive, such as "In schools, many practical subjects are taught with reasonable time, long enough for kids to understand," which could be more varied in structure.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses or varying the sentence openings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "It is true that," try beginning with an adverbial phrase or a dependent clause. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences could further diversify the grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "childrens" should be corrected to "children," and "heath" in the conclusion should be "health." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in lists, as seen in "obesity, diabetes, cancer …, which stem from unhealthy life," where the ellipsis is unnecessary and the phrase "unhealthy life" could be more clearly stated as "unhealthy lifestyles."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, such as pluralization and spelling. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in lists and before conjunctions, will enhance clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or engaging in peer review to identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay. Regular practice with sentence diagramming can also help in understanding the structure and function of different grammatical elements.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people believe that schools do not do enough to teach children about their health. From my point of view, I strongly agree with this statement for several reasons.

It is undeniable that schools play a vital role in teaching students how to improve their health to some extent. In schools, many practical subjects are allocated sufficient time, allowing students to comprehend important health concepts. Biology and physical education (PE) serve as exemplary examples. Through biology, students can expand their horizons regarding human organs and serious diseases such as obesity, diabetes, and cancer, which stem from unhealthy lifestyles. Moreover, they learn how to perform physical exercises effectively in PE classes. As a result, children can maintain their physical fitness independently, leading to a meaningful and healthy life.

On the other hand, I believe that apart from schools, there are several other methods to educate children on living healthily. Firstly, families serve as a key determinant in shaping their kids’ lifestyles. This means that if parents engage in regular exercise or sports, their children are likely to mimic these behaviors and develop habits that enhance both their physical and mental health. Another means of education is society; for instance, it is easy for children to access educational advertisements or a variety of exercise videos when browsing social media. In this way, children can gain more knowledge about health everywhere and at any time. Meanwhile, with the limited time, resources, and infrastructure available, schools cannot comprehensively educate students on health. Therefore, families and society must collaborate to teach children about a healthy lifestyle.

In conclusion, I completely agree that learning about health in schools is insufficient due to its restrictive educational time. Instead, education about a healthy life through families and society is also much more effective and should be encouraged.