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Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. To that extent do you agree or disagree.

Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. To that extent do you agree or disagree.

Currently, with the hard requirements and fierce competition of the job market, choosing a suitable type of education has become crucial in order to guide the future of a child. Many parents believe that academic performance trumps all other things, and schools are built to teach academic knowledge rather than vocational skills. This is a wrong assumption in my view, as each person is gifted with different abilities and forcing them to go the wrong way will cause detrimental effects to their development. Therefore, this essay expresses my total disagreement with the given statement.

Firstly, each individual is born with a different strength. This is the cause of different career paths they choose in the future. Obviously, the ones who were gifted with logical thinking advantages would suit better to analytic fields such as science and business; the ones with more artistic minds would fit better in the arts and creative fields. The same mindset applies to student who were born for academia and vocational jobs. Many students who struggle with schoolwork are in fact great craftpeople, but if there is no instituition to help them hone their skills, they would lose great chances to develop. Relying on friends and family to gain knowledge on those is not a good solution either. The knowledge passed on by unqualified instructors could be outdated, plus they lack the proper pedagogical methods to teach the students. Those instructors should be better serve as advisors, who could offer advice and assistance when needed, but they should not be treated as official teachers. For example, a father who has been doing woodworking by hand for his whole life may not be able to show his son how to run a CNC machine, which outperforms the traditional way.

Secondly, forcing children into learning and doing what they were not born to do would highly put a heavy load on them mentally. Although the level of tolerance can differ and the children maybe able to cope with that, they will be stripped off the joy of their life during the learning period. Many children would develop some kind rebelious mindset and they tend to go back to do what they like after fulfilling the wishes of their parents, or after the parents have passed away. Many Asian countries such as China and Vietnam are very prominent with this phenomenon and it is a negative thing because it causes both great waste of time and life enjoyment to the children.

To conclude, there should be different types of schools that teach different skills in order to suit the need and talent of children. In addition to that, parents should also understand what is good for their children and help them develop in the right way rather than forcing them to fulfill their expectations.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Currently, with the hard requirements and fierce competition of the job market, choosing a suitable type of education has become crucial in order to guide the future of a child."
    -> "Currently, given the stringent requirements and intense competition in the job market, selecting an appropriate form of education is crucial to shaping a child’s future."
    Explanation: Replacing "hard requirements" with "stringent requirements" and "fierce competition" with "intense competition" enhances formality. Additionally, the revised sentence is more structured and clear.

  2. "Many parents believe that academic performance trumps all other things, and schools are built to teach academic knowledge rather than vocational skills."
    -> "Many parents adhere to the belief that academic performance takes precedence over all other considerations, and schools are designed to impart academic knowledge rather than vocational skills."
    Explanation: The term "trumps" is replaced with "takes precedence," which is more formal. "Adhere to the belief" adds formality, and the phrase "designed to impart" is more academically precise than "built to teach."

  3. "This is a wrong assumption in my view, as each person is gifted with different abilities and forcing them to go the wrong way will cause detrimental effects to their development."
    -> "This is an inaccurate assumption in my view, as each individual possesses unique abilities, and compelling them to pursue a misaligned path will have adverse effects on their development."
    Explanation: Replacing "wrong" with "inaccurate" adds precision, and "compelling them to pursue a misaligned path" is more formal than "forcing them to go the wrong way."

  4. "Firstly, each individual is born with a different strength."
    -> "Firstly, each individual is endowed with distinct strengths."
    Explanation: "Born with a different strength" is revised to "endowed with distinct strengths" for a more sophisticated expression.

  5. "Obviously, the ones who were gifted with logical thinking advantages would suit better to analytic fields such as science and business; the ones with more artistic minds would fit better in the arts and creative fields."
    -> "Evidently, those endowed with logical thinking advantages would be better suited to analytical fields such as science and business, while individuals with more artistic minds would thrive in the arts and creative fields."
    Explanation: The phrase "the ones who were gifted with" is replaced with "those endowed with," and "fit better" is changed to "thrive" for greater precision and formality.

  6. "The same mindset applies to student who were born for academia and vocational jobs."
    -> "The same principle applies to students who are inclined towards academia and vocational jobs."
    Explanation: The phrase is modified for grammatical correctness and clarity.

  7. "Many students who struggle with schoolwork are in fact great craftpeople, but if there is no instituition to help them hone their skills, they would lose great chances to develop."
    -> "Many students who struggle with traditional schoolwork are, in fact, talented craftspeople. However, without institutions to assist them in honing their skills, they would miss significant opportunities for development."
    Explanation: "Craftpeople" is changed to "craftspeople" for proper usage, and "instituition" is corrected to "institutions." The phrase "lose great chances to develop" is refined for clarity and formality.

  8. "Relying on friends and family to gain knowledge on those is not a good solution either."
    -> "Dependence on friends and family for acquiring such knowledge is not a viable solution."
    Explanation: "Gain knowledge on those" is replaced with "acquiring such knowledge" for clarity and formality.

  9. "The knowledge passed on by unqualified instructors could be outdated, plus they lack the proper pedagogical methods to teach the students."
    -> "Knowledge imparted by unqualified instructors may be outdated, and they often lack the proper pedagogical methods to effectively teach students."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for improved clarity, and "teach the students" is used for precision.

  10. "Those instructors should be better serve as advisors, who could offer advice and assistance when needed, but they should not be treated as official teachers."
    -> "These instructors are better suited to serve as advisors, offering advice and assistance when needed, but they should not be regarded as official teachers."
    Explanation: "Should be better serve as" is corrected to "are better suited to serve as," and the phrase is refined for formality and clarity.

  11. "For example, a father who has been doing woodworking by hand for his whole life may not be able to show his son how to run a CNC machine, which outperforms the traditional way."
    -> "For instance, a father who has practiced handcrafted woodworking throughout his life may lack the expertise to guide his son in operating a CNC machine, which surpasses traditional methods."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity, and "outperforms" is replaced with "surpasses" for a more precise and formal expression.

  12. "Secondly, forcing children into learning and doing what they were not born to do would highly put a heavy load on them mentally."
    -> "Secondly, compelling children to engage in learning activities outside their natural inclinations would significantly burden them mentally."
    Explanation: "Forcing children into learning and doing" is refined to "compelling children to engage in learning activities," and "highly put a heavy load" is replaced with "significantly burden" for formality and precision.

  13. "Although the level of tolerance can differ and the children maybe able to cope with that, they will be stripped off the joy of their life during the learning period."
    -> "While the level of tolerance may vary, and children may be able to cope with it, they will be deprived of the joy in their lives during the learning period."
    Explanation: "The children maybe able to cope with that" is corrected to "children may be able to cope with it" for grammatical accuracy and clarity.

  14. "Many children would develop some kind rebelious mindset and they tend to go back to do what they like after fulfilling the wishes of their parents, or after the parents have passed away."
    -> "Many children may develop a rebellious mindset and tend to revert to pursuing their own interests after fulfilling their parents’ wishes or following their parents’ passing."
    Explanation: "Some kind rebelious mindset" is refined to "a rebellious mindset," and the phrase is restructured for clarity and formality.

  15. "Many Asian countries such as China and Vietnam are very prominent with this phenomenon and it is a negative thing because it causes both great waste of time and life enjoyment to the children."
    -> "Several Asian countries, including China and Vietnam, are notably affected by this phenomenon, which is detrimental as it results in a significant waste of time and diminishes the life enjoyment of children."
    Explanation: "Very prominent with" is replaced with "notably affected by," and the sentence is refined for precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Currently, with the hard requirements and fierce competition of the job market, choosing a suitable type of education has become crucial in order to guide the future of a child. Many parents believe that academic performance trumps all other things, and schools are built to teach academic knowledge rather than vocational skills. This is a wrong assumption in my view, as each person is gifted with different abilities and forcing them to go the wrong way will cause detrimental effects to their development. Therefore, this essay expresses my total disagreement with the given statement."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction effectively presents the writer’s disagreement with the prompt, but it lacks a clear roadmap for the essay. To enhance the structure, consider providing a brief overview of the main points that will support your disagreement. For instance, mention the different abilities people possess and the negative impact of forcing them into the wrong path. This will offer readers a preview of your argument and improve the essay’s organization.
    • Improved example: "In this essay, I will argue against the notion that schools should solely focus on academic success. I believe this is a misguided approach, considering the diverse talents individuals possess. I will explore the idea that forcing individuals into a predefined academic path can have detrimental effects on their development, as everyone is gifted with different abilities."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, each individual is born with a different strength. This is the cause of different career paths they choose in the future. Obviously, the ones who were gifted with logical thinking advantages would suit better to analytic fields such as science and business; the ones with more artistic minds would fit better in the arts and creative fields. The same mindset applies to student who were born for academia and vocational jobs. Many students who struggle with schoolwork are in fact great craftpeople, but if there is no instituition to help them hone their skills, they would lose great chances to develop. Relying on friends and family to gain knowledge on those is not a good solution either. The knowledge passed on by unqualified instructors could be outdated, plus they lack the proper pedagogical methods to teach the students. Those instructors should be better serve as advisors, who could offer advice and assistance when needed, but they should not be treated as official teachers. For example, a father who has been doing woodworking by hand for his whole life may not be able to show his son how to run a CNC machine, which outperforms the traditional way."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your points about individuals having different strengths are well-made, but the argument lacks depth in explaining how these strengths relate to the main topic of academic success versus vocational skills. To strengthen this section, connect each point to the overarching theme. For instance, elaborate on how students struggling with academic subjects might excel in vocational skills and vice versa. Additionally, provide specific examples or anecdotes from your own knowledge or experience to illustrate these points more vividly.
    • Improved example: "Each individual’s unique strengths contribute to the diversity of career paths they may choose. For instance, students who face challenges in traditional academic subjects might excel in practical, vocational skills. It is essential to recognize and nurture these diverse talents to ensure comprehensive development. For instance, I have a friend who struggled in traditional academic settings but found tremendous success in carpentry, showcasing how vocational skills can be a fulfilling alternative."
  3. Quoted text: "Secondly, forcing children into learning and doing what they were not born to do would highly put a heavy load on them mentally. Although the level of tolerance can differ and the children maybe able to cope with that, they will be stripped off the joy of their life during the learning period. Many children would develop some kind rebelious mindset and they tend to go back to do what they like after fulfilling the wishes of their parents, or after the parents have passed away. Many Asian countries such as China and Vietnam are very prominent with this phenomenon and it is a negative thing because it causes both great waste of time and life enjoyment to the children."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point about the mental burden on children is valid, but it could benefit from further development and clarification. To strengthen this argument, provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the negative impact of forcing children into unsuitable paths. Additionally, consider explaining how this phenomenon might hinder personal growth and development. This would enhance the persuasiveness of your argument and provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt.
    • Improved example: "Forcing children into educational paths that do not align with their natural inclinations imposes a significant mental burden. To illustrate, I have witnessed instances where students, pushed into academic pursuits against their preferences, experienced a decline in overall well-being, leading to rebellious attitudes and a subsequent return to their true passions. This phenomenon, prevalent in many Asian countries like China and Vietnam, not only wastes valuable time but also deprives children of the joy essential for holistic development."

Overall, while your essay addresses the prompt and presents some valid points, enhancing the depth of your arguments and providing concrete examples from your knowledge or experience will strengthen your response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage for the author’s disagreement with the prompt, and each paragraph thereafter contributes to building a coherent argument. The essay effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, contributing to overall coherence. While there is some use of cohesive devices, it’s generally appropriate, with minimal under-/over-use. Each paragraph maintains a clear central topic, contributing to the overall cohesion of the essay.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. Additionally, ensure that referencing and substitution within sentences are consistently clear and appropriate. This can be achieved by paying attention to the logical relationship between ideas and refining the use of cohesive devices for seamless integration. Lastly, while the essay maintains a logical progression, strengthening the concluding paragraph’s connection to the overall argument would contribute to a more cohesive structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with an attempt at flexibility and precision. There is evidence of using less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay conveys the author’s disagreement with the prompt adequately, using appropriate vocabulary to express opinions and ideas. While there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay successfully presents a well-structured argument with a logical flow of ideas, contributing to a cohesive response.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the author could incorporate a more diverse range of vocabulary to express ideas with even greater precision. Attention to minor errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation would further improve the overall lexical quality of the essay. Additionally, exploring more nuanced and sophisticated language choices could elevate the lexical sophistication, contributing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a reasonable level of grammatical range. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely reduce communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable inaccuracies in sentence construction and usage.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Carefully review sentence structures to eliminate errors and improve punctuation. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses.

  2. Sentence Variety: Work on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures to enhance overall flexibility. This can be achieved by combining simple and complex sentences strategically.

  3. Clarity: Ensure that ideas are presented in a clear and organized manner. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence to strengthen the overall structure of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the current era, where job markets are demanding and competitive, selecting the right educational path holds immense importance in shaping a child’s future. Some parents prioritize academic achievements above all else, believing that schools primarily exist to impart academic knowledge rather than vocational skills. However, I disagree with this viewpoint as it overlooks individual abilities and imposes adverse effects on a student’s growth. Hence, this essay vehemently opposes the given statement.

Primarily, each person possesses distinct strengths influencing their future career paths. Individuals inclined towards logical thinking excel in analytical domains like science and business, while those with artistic inclinations flourish in creative fields. Similarly, some students are naturally inclined towards vocational jobs, and neglecting avenues to refine their craft within educational institutions limits their potential growth. Depending solely on family and friends for guidance in these areas is inadequate. Knowledge passed down by untrained instructors may be outdated, lacking proper pedagogical methods necessary for effective teaching. These individuals should serve more as advisors, offering guidance and support rather than being considered official educators. For instance, a father skilled in traditional woodworking may not be equipped to teach his son to operate a modern CNC machine, a technology surpassing conventional methods.

Furthermore, coercing children into pursuits they aren’t naturally inclined towards can burden them mentally. While some might endure this pressure, many are deprived of joy during the learning phase. Often, children develop a rebellious attitude, gravitating back to their interests once parental expectations are fulfilled or parental influence diminishes. This trend, notably prevalent in Asian countries like China and Vietnam, leads to significant wastage of time and robs children of life’s simple pleasures.

In conclusion, diverse educational institutions catering to various skills and talents should exist to accommodate the needs of individual children. Additionally, parents ought to comprehend their children’s strengths and guide them accordingly rather than imposing their own aspirations. This approach will foster a more fulfilling and effective educational journey for every child.

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