Schools should focus on academic success instead of skills. Agree or disagree?

There is a belief that high achievement in studying is more crucial than competencies, therefore, schools are advisable to pay attention to developing successful academic performances. Although the importance of educational success is undeniable, I firmly believe that social skills are indispensable.
Educational performances are of paramount concern for parents, so that success in studying permanently stands as a priority in schools. Firstly, the more successful students achieve in schooling, the higher potential that they can gain in occupations.
It is true that most of the wealthy in the world have professional degrees or certificates. Therefore, scholastic achievement makes students be successful in their professions easily. Otherwise, schools become more prevalent in qualified teaching when they can train excellent students. For example, traditional and ancient famous universities like Oxford or Cambridge, they appreciate the high performances in educational results.
However, it is undeniable that soft skills play an important role in developing individuals to be more competent. For current students, in addition to academic bachelors, they are advised to prepare necessary competencies that are advantageous and more prominent when finding job opportunities. Contemporary employers highly estimate communication skills or teamwork skills that are vital in the workplace. Furthermore, public schools are suggested to adjust teaching curriculum, and more extracurricular activities are added. Nowadays, parents have a tendency to select private schools having skills courses, for example, going camping, visiting museums.
In conclusion, schools always pay attention to teaching students about speculative knowledge; however, soft skills are unavoidable. In my opinion, students should develop intelligence and various competencies to become qualified individuals.

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Errors and Improvements:

"There is a belief that high achievement in studying is more crucial than competencies" -> "It is commonly believed that academic success holds greater importance than competencies"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and formality. "There is a belief" is vague and lacks specificity. The improved phrase provides a clearer assertion using "It is commonly believed" and replaces "high achievement in studying" with "academic success" for clarity and conciseness.
"schools are advisable to pay attention to developing successful academic performances" -> "schools are encouraged to prioritize the development of academic excellence"
Explanation: "Advisable to pay attention to" is awkward and imprecise. "Encouraged to prioritize" is more direct and aligns with formal language. "Successful academic performances" is replaced with "academic excellence" for conciseness and clarity.
"Firstly, the more successful students achieve in schooling, the higher potential that they can gain in occupations." -> "Firstly, higher academic achievement correlates with greater occupational opportunities."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. "The more successful students achieve in schooling" is redundant. The improved version provides a clearer correlation between academic success and career prospects.
"most of the wealthy in the world have professional degrees or certificates" -> "the majority of the affluent population worldwide possess professional qualifications"
Explanation: "Most of the wealthy in the world" is informal and lacks precision. "The majority of the affluent population worldwide" is more formal and specific. "Professional degrees or certificates" is replaced with "professional qualifications" for clarity and formality.
"makes students be successful" -> "enables students to achieve success"
Explanation: "Makes students be successful" is awkward and lacks sophistication. "Enables students to achieve success" is more formal and precise.
"scholastic achievement" -> "academic achievement"
Explanation: "Scholastic achievement" is slightly archaic and less commonly used. "Academic achievement" is a more contemporary and precise alternative.
"soft skills" -> "interpersonal skills" or "non-cognitive skills"
Explanation: "Soft skills" is a colloquial term that may not be suitable for formal writing. "Interpersonal skills" or "non-cognitive skills" are more formal alternatives.
"highly estimate" -> "value highly" or "place a high value on"
Explanation: "Highly estimate" is not idiomatic in this context. "Value highly" or "place a high value on" are more appropriate expressions.
"adjust teaching curriculum" -> "revise the curriculum"
Explanation: "Adjust teaching curriculum" is vague and informal. "Revise the curriculum" is more specific and formal.
"tendency to select" -> "preference for selecting"
Explanation: "Tendency to select" is somewhat informal. "Preference for selecting" is more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt by discussing the importance of academic success and skills. It acknowledges the significance of academic achievement while asserting the necessity of developing social and soft skills.
- How to improve: While the essay does touch upon both academic success and skills, it could strengthen its response by providing a more balanced argument with deeper analysis. Additionally, explicitly addressing each part of the prompt in separate paragraphs could enhance clarity and organization.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that while academic success is important, social and soft skills are also indispensable.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity, the essay could reinforce its position by providing stronger topic sentences in each paragraph that explicitly state the stance and its rationale.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the importance of academic success and skills, providing examples such as the significance of professional degrees and the demand for communication and teamwork skills in the workplace.
- How to improve: To enhance idea development, the essay could delve deeper into the examples provided and offer more specific instances or evidence to support each point. Additionally, expanding on the benefits of developing social and soft skills beyond employment could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the importance of academic success and skills in education and employment.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay could avoid tangential discussions about specific schools or extracurricular activities unless directly relevant to supporting the main argument. Tightening the structure and ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme would also aid in staying on topic.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of both academic success and skills. To improve, it could provide a more balanced argument with deeper analysis, reinforce its position with stronger topic sentences, offer more specific examples and evidence to support ideas, and maintain focus by avoiding tangential discussions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that presents the author’s stance, followed by body paragraphs that provide arguments supporting the viewpoint. The first body paragraph discusses the importance of academic success, while the second addresses the significance of soft skills. The conclusion summarizes the main points and reiterates the author’s opinion. However, there are moments where the transitions between ideas could be smoother, such as the abrupt shift from discussing academic success to mentioning soft skills in the first body paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences or paragraphs to create a more seamless progression of ideas. For instance, in the first body paragraph, introduce the idea of soft skills more gradually to maintain coherence with the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs vary. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately structured, providing clear openings and closures to the essay. In contrast, the body paragraphs could benefit from stronger topic sentences to guide the reader and improve coherence within each paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each body paragraph to clearly convey the main idea and establish the focus of the paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity by discussing only one main point or aspect of the argument. Consider revising the body paragraphs to enhance clarity and cohesion within each section of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "although," "however," and "in conclusion," which help signal shifts between different points of argumentation. However, the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be improved to create stronger connections between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to include a wider variety of transition words and phrases. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are employed effectively to clearly indicate relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast. By incorporating a diverse array of cohesive devices, the essay can achieve greater cohesion and coherence in presenting its argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with the author employing a variety of words and phrases to convey their ideas. For instance, terms like "paramount concern," "scholastic achievement," "indispensable," "competencies," and "speculative knowledge" enrich the vocabulary and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary specific to the topic. For example, instead of using "important role," opt for alternatives like "integral role" or "crucial role" to add depth to the argument.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, the phrase "more prevalent in qualified teaching" might be better replaced with "more adept at delivering quality education." Similarly, "current students" could be replaced with "contemporary learners" for a more precise description.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the context and nuances of the vocabulary used. Consider using synonyms or more contextually fitting terms to enhance precision and clarity in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling accuracy in the essay is satisfactory. There are no glaring spelling errors that hinder comprehension. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "competencies" misspelled as "compentencies" and "indispensable" as "indispensible."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly or utilizing spell-check tools to catch and rectify minor spelling errors. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words to enhance accuracy in writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a wide range of terms utilized effectively to express ideas. By paying attention to precision and refining spelling accuracy, the author can further elevate the lexical quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, there are instances of complex sentences such as "Educational performances are of paramount concern for parents, so that success in studying permanently stands as a priority in schools," and compound sentences like "Furthermore, public schools are suggested to adjust teaching curriculum, and more extracurricular activities are added." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more diverse sentence structures, such as inversion, passive voice, or conditional sentences, to enhance variety and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating techniques such as inversion (e.g., "Not only do academic achievements matter, but also…"), passive voice (e.g., "Soft skills are considered crucial in the workplace"), or conditional sentences (e.g., "If schools prioritize social skills, students would be better prepared for…"). Experimenting with different sentence structures will add depth and complexity to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some instances where minor grammatical issues arise, such as subject-verb agreement ("schools becomes" should be "schools become") and article usage ("the more successful students achieve in schooling" could be improved to "the more successful students are in schooling"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like missing commas in compound sentences ("Furthermore public schools are suggested to adjust teaching curriculum and more extracurricular activities are added").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofreading your essay carefully can help identify and correct such errors. Additionally, focus on mastering punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in compound sentences. Reviewing grammar guides or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial in refining your grammatical skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widespread belief that academic success holds greater importance than competencies, leading to schools being encouraged to prioritize the development of successful academic performances. While the significance of educational success cannot be denied, I firmly believe that social skills are equally indispensable.

The emphasis on educational achievement is understandable, given that it opens doors to greater occupational opportunities. Indeed, a significant portion of the affluent population worldwide possesses professional qualifications, demonstrating the correlation between academic achievement and professional success. Additionally, schools tend to attract more qualified teachers when they produce excellent students, as seen in prestigious institutions like Oxford or Cambridge, which value high educational performance.

However, it is undeniable that soft skills play a crucial role in individual development. In today’s job market, alongside academic qualifications, employers highly value communication and teamwork skills, which are essential in the workplace. Therefore, it is imperative for schools to adapt their teaching curriculum and incorporate more extracurricular activities that promote the development of these skills. This is evidenced by the increasing preference among parents for private schools offering skill-focused courses such as outdoor activities and cultural visits.

In conclusion, while schools rightfully prioritize academic excellence, the importance of soft skills cannot be overlooked. It is my belief that students should strive to develop both intelligence and various competencies to become well-rounded individuals poised for success in both academic and professional spheres.