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Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is this a positive or negative development?

Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is this a positive or negative development?

These days, several children engage in sports seriously instead of considering these physical activities as a means of entertainment. Personally, I believe that this trend could be advantageous and disadvantageous.

On the one hand, it is understandable that this phenomenon is beneficial. One of the most prominent benefits is the elevated overall well-being. When children have high determination in sports, this could encourage them to frequently partake in a wide range of sports, thereby helping them to be physically active. Moreover, this could also help them to develop essential personalities such as determination and discipline when conducting any tasks, whether in academics, career, or other aspects of life, which possibly leads to excellent outcomes.

However, I believe that taking sports too seriously could result in several drawbacks. Firstly, young players might develop high competitiveness and try to use any methods to win the game, even if it is against the rule such as fouling other components. As a consequence, this might potentially trigger hostility and greed in children, which not only adversely affects the cognitive development of the young but also does service to the beauty of sports. Additionally, the young might derive less pleasure from sports since they typically pay too much focus on the results of the game instead of enjoying the process. Consequently, these children might experience greater disappointment and depression when losing, ultimately leading to resentment.

In conclusion, although the trend towards children playing sports seriously is positive to some extent, I believe that the benefits of this are outweighed by its drawbacks, hence I agree that children should strike a balance between the aspiration to win and the overall enjoyable experience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "several children engage in sports seriously" -> "numerous children are actively involved in sports"
    Explanation: Replacing "engage in sports seriously" with "are actively involved in sports" provides a more formal expression while avoiding the informal tone associated with "seriously."

  2. "Personally, I believe that" -> "In my opinion,"
    Explanation: Shifting from "Personally, I believe that" to "In my opinion," maintains a formal tone by using a more concise and academically accepted phrase.

  3. "One of the most prominent benefits" -> "One notable advantage"
    Explanation: Substituting "prominent benefits" with "notable advantage" streamlines the language, making it more precise and academically suitable.

  4. "this could encourage them to frequently partake in a wide range of sports" -> "this may motivate them to regularly participate in various sports"
    Explanation: The replacement enhances formality by changing "frequently partake" to "regularly participate" and "a wide range of sports" to "various sports."

  5. "essential personalities" -> "essential traits"
    Explanation: Altering "essential personalities" to "essential traits" provides a more accurate and academic term for describing characteristics or qualities.

  6. "when conducting any tasks" -> "when undertaking any tasks"
    Explanation: Substituting "conducting" with "undertaking" maintains formality and aligns with academic language conventions.

  7. "young players might develop high competitiveness" -> "young athletes may cultivate intense competitiveness"
    Explanation: Replacing "players" with "athletes" and "develop high competitiveness" with "cultivate intense competitiveness" improves precision and formality.

  8. "against the rule such as fouling other components" -> "against the rules, such as fouling opponents"
    Explanation: The correction ensures proper grammar and usage, specifying that players may be fouling opponents, not "other components."

  9. "not only adversely affects" -> "not only has an adverse impact on"
    Explanation: Enhancing the formality by changing "not only adversely affects" to "not only has an adverse impact on."

  10. "does service to the beauty of sports" -> "detracts from the essence of sports"
    Explanation: Substituting "does service to" with "detracts from" and "beauty of sports" with "essence of sports" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  11. "they typically pay too much focus on" -> "they typically focus excessively on"
    Explanation: Replacing "pay too much focus on" with "focus excessively on" enhances the formal tone and maintains clarity.

  12. "the benefits of this are outweighed by its drawbacks" -> "the drawbacks outweigh the benefits"
    Explanation: Reordering the sentence to "the drawbacks outweigh the benefits" improves clarity and aligns with a more standard structure.

  13. "hence I agree that" -> "thus, I concur that"
    Explanation: Substituting "hence I agree that" with "thus, I concur that" maintains a formal tone and adds variety to the language.

  14. "children should strike a balance between the aspiration to win and the overall enjoyable experience" -> "children should strike a balance between the pursuit of victory and the overall enjoyment of the experience"
    Explanation: The suggested revision maintains formality and clarity, using more precise language such as "pursuit of victory" instead of "aspiration to win."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "These days, several children engage in sports seriously instead of considering these physical activities as a means of entertainment. Personally, I believe that this trend could be advantageous and disadvantageous."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets the stage for the essay by presenting the topic and expressing the writer’s opinion. However, it lacks a clear roadmap or preview of the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. To enhance the clarity of the essay structure, consider briefly outlining the two main reasons supporting your belief in the advantages and disadvantages of children taking sports seriously.
    • Improved example: "In this essay, I will explore the advantages and disadvantages of children taking sports seriously. On one hand, it offers benefits such as enhanced physical well-being and the development of crucial personality traits. On the other hand, there are drawbacks, including heightened competitiveness and potential negative impacts on the enjoyment of sports."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, young players might develop high competitiveness and try to use any methods to win the game, even if it is against the rule such as fouling other components. As a consequence, this might potentially trigger hostility and greed in children, which not only adversely affects the cognitive development of the young but also does service to the beauty of sports."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The paragraph effectively addresses a potential drawback of children taking sports seriously. However, the development of ideas could be strengthened by providing a specific example or personal experience to illustrate the point. Additionally, consider connecting this drawback to the overall well-being of children, as mentioned in the introduction, to maintain coherence in your argument.
    • Improved example: "For instance, in a highly competitive environment, young players might resort to unsportsmanlike conduct, such as fouling opponents, to secure a victory. This behavior not only fosters hostility and greed in children but can also impede their cognitive development. Moreover, it tarnishes the intrinsic beauty of sports, shifting the focus from teamwork and skill development to a win-at-all-costs mentality."
  3. Quoted text: "Consequently, these children might experience greater disappointment and depression when losing, ultimately leading to resentment."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion effectively summarizes the potential negative consequences of children taking sports too seriously. However, to strengthen the response, consider briefly restating the main reasons supporting your position and emphasizing the need for a balanced approach to sports participation.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while the advantages of children engaging seriously in sports are evident, the potential drawbacks, such as increased competitiveness and the risk of diminished enjoyment, highlight the need for a balanced approach. Striking a harmony between the aspiration to win and the overall enjoyable experience is crucial for fostering not only physical well-being but also positive emotional and mental development in children."

Overall, the essay addresses all parts of the task, presenting a relevant position. However, the ideas could be more fully developed and clarified with specific examples and improved coherence in the structure.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an overall coherence and cohesion that places it within Band 6. The organization of ideas is generally clear, with a logical progression of thoughts throughout the essay. There is an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, providing a structural framework. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically; transitions between paragraphs could be more explicit to enhance coherence.

Cohesion is evident through the use of cohesive devices, although there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences. For example, the transition between the benefits and drawbacks of taking sports seriously could be smoother. There is also some repetition in the use of certain words, impacting the overall flow.

The essay does present a clear central topic within each paragraph, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of children taking sports seriously. However, the referencing and substitution within the essay could be clearer and more varied to strengthen cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure more logical paragraphing, with a clear connection between each paragraph.
  2. Work on smoother transitions between ideas, avoiding repetition of words and phrases.
  3. Use a more varied range of cohesive devices to enhance overall coherence.
  4. Strengthen referencing and substitution for more clarity and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively conveys ideas and arguments using a variety of words. Some sentences show fluency and flexibility in vocabulary choice. However, occasional errors in word choice and collocation are present, impacting the overall lexical resource. For example, the phrase "against the rule" could be improved to "against the rules," and the use of "components" instead of "competitors" may cause slight confusion.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer should pay closer attention to word choice and collocation. Revising sentences for better precision and accuracy, such as correcting preposition usage or refining the choice of uncommon lexical items, will contribute to a more sophisticated and accurate use of vocabulary. Additionally, proofreading to eliminate minor errors, like those found in word choice and collocation, will further strengthen the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, showcasing a good control of grammar and punctuation. While the majority of sentences are error-free, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "when conducting any tasks" and "against the rule," which can be considered as ‘slips.’ Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the score further, focus on refining the minor errors observed. Pay attention to sentence structures and ensure consistency in formal language usage. Additionally, carefully proofread the essay to eliminate any remaining slips or inaccuracies, maintaining the high standard of grammatical proficiency displayed throughout the majority of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, a number of children have taken up sports with a serious commitment rather than viewing these physical activities merely as a form of entertainment. In my opinion, this inclination can have both positive and negative implications.

On the positive side, it is evident that this trend can bring about advantages. One of the notable benefits is the enhancement of overall well-being. When children are deeply involved in sports, it motivates them to regularly participate in a variety of physical activities, contributing to their physical fitness. Furthermore, this commitment can foster the development of essential qualities such as determination and discipline, which are valuable not only in the realm of sports but also in academics, career pursuits, and other facets of life, potentially leading to commendable outcomes.

However, I am inclined to believe that taking sports too seriously may lead to certain drawbacks. Firstly, young athletes might develop an excessive competitiveness, resorting to any means to win, even if it involves breaking the rules, such as fouling opponents. Consequently, this could give rise to hostility and greed in children, negatively impacting their cognitive development and undermining the true spirit of sportsmanship. Additionally, when the focus is excessively on winning rather than enjoying the process, young athletes may derive less pleasure from sports. This heightened emphasis on results may result in heightened disappointment and depression in the face of defeat, ultimately culminating in resentment.

In conclusion, while the trend of children engaging seriously in sports has some positive aspects, I am of the opinion that these advantages are counterbalanced by the associated drawbacks. Therefore, I agree that children should strive for a balance between the desire to win and the overall enjoyment of the sports experience.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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