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Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

An amount of children are accustomed to spending hours a day on their smartphones. This is because of their seeking for recreation in their leisure time and information for their curiosity as well. Despite that fact, this may lead to negative development on their health
Children, especially at young age, find leisure activities on smartphones interesting and completely new for them since they have never experienced it before. They play a game or watch a video on their smartphones, they have been in definitely different virtual worlds with their favorite characters. For example, Disney, notable for its series of film stories, have appealed to children of all eras. Besides, smartphones also serve children as a tool for questions. At a young age, the life around them is still not completely known , which leads to the urge to find out the facts. Whilst, rather than paper documents, they easily find the answers with various results from typing the key words on the bar of a web. For instance, Google, the most ubiquitous, have been available to help children look for the information
Children benefit from their smartphones, though some developments lead to detrimental state of health, though. Their time revolves mostly around study and leisure activities. Therefore, they would have short- eye sightedness due to sticking to their phones excessively whenever in their spare time. For instance, to manage the time on screen of children, Youtube kids, the most omnipresent platform, particularly set a restriction every time children use it
In conclusion, children have a tendency to have a habit of using smartphones a large amount of time per day, which is used for recreational activities and information. Nevertheless, it could have critical influence on health state of children, particularly about eye-sight


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "An amount of children" -> "A significant number of children"
    Explanation: Replacing "An amount of children" with "A significant number of children" adds precision and formality to the expression, avoiding the informal use of "amount."

  2. "seeking for" -> "seeking"
    Explanation: Simplifying "seeking for" to "seeking" maintains clarity while adhering to a more concise and formal style.

  3. "for their curiosity as well" -> "out of curiosity as well"
    Explanation: Changing "for their curiosity as well" to "out of curiosity as well" maintains the intended meaning while employing a more formal and natural phrasing.

  4. "Despite that fact" -> "Despite this fact"
    Explanation: Substituting "Despite that fact" with "Despite this fact" improves the transition between sentences and aligns with formal language conventions.

  5. "a young age" -> "early childhood"
    Explanation: Replacing "a young age" with "early childhood" introduces a more precise and formal term for the developmental stage referred to in the context.

  6. "have been in definitely different virtual worlds" -> "immerse themselves in distinctly different virtual worlds"
    Explanation: Changing "have been in definitely different virtual worlds" to "immerse themselves in distinctly different virtual worlds" enhances the clarity and formality of the statement.

  7. "appealed to children of all eras" -> "captivated children across generations"
    Explanation: Substituting "appealed to children of all eras" with "captivated children across generations" elevates the vocabulary, providing a more sophisticated expression.

  8. "rather than" -> "instead of"
    Explanation: Replacing "rather than" with "instead of" maintains the intended meaning while adhering to a more formal language choice.

  9. "Whilst" -> "However"
    Explanation: Replacing "Whilst" with "However" aligns with a more standard and formal usage in academic writing.

  10. "short-eye sightedness" -> "short-sightedness"
    Explanation: Simplifying "short-eye sightedness" to "short-sightedness" is a more concise and academically appropriate term for the health condition discussed.

  11. "whenever in their spare time" -> "during their leisure time"
    Explanation: Substituting "whenever in their spare time" with "during their leisure time" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "have a habit of using" -> "tend to use"
    Explanation: Changing "have a habit of using" to "tend to use" maintains the meaning while introducing a more refined and academically appropriate phrase.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt—why children spend hours on smartphones and whether it’s a positive or negative development. The reasons provided include seeking recreation and information, and the negative impact on health is discussed.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all parts of the question, providing more specific examples and elaborating on the negative health impact would enhance the depth of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, acknowledging both the positive aspects of smartphone use for recreation and information, and the potential negative impact on health due to excessive screen time.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the essay’s stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on why children use smartphones for leisure and information. Examples, such as Disney and Google, support the points made.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion by providing additional examples or details. For instance, specifying types of games or videos that captivate children could strengthen the essay’s content.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the reasons for smartphone usage and the potential negative impact on health.
    • How to improve: To enhance focus, ensure that each paragraph is directly related to the prompt. The paragraph on eye-sightedness is slightly abrupt; consider connecting it more seamlessly to the previous discussion.

General Comments:

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, offering a balanced view on the reasons for children’s smartphone use and the potential drawbacks. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, extending ideas, and ensuring a seamless flow between paragraphs. Additionally, reinforcing the position in the introduction and conclusion would enhance overall clarity. Overall, a well-structured essay with a solid understanding of the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information in a logical manner, progressing from the reasons for children using smartphones to the potential negative impact on their health. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing that slightly disrupt the flow. For example, the transition from discussing leisure activities to information-seeking could be smoother. Additionally, the conclusion would benefit from summarizing key points more effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining transitions between ideas for a smoother flow. Ensure that each paragraph connects logically to the next. In the conclusion, summarize the main points concisely and restate the thesis to reinforce the essay’s coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, but the structure within paragraphs could be improved. Some ideas are presented in lengthy sentences, making it challenging for readers to follow. For instance, the second paragraph, while discussing children’s attraction to smartphone activities, could be more effective with shorter sentences or additional paragraph breaks.
    • How to improve: Break down longer sentences into shorter, more digestible ones. Use paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, making the text more reader-friendly. Aim for a balance between sentence length and paragraph structure to enhance readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("despite that fact," "for example") to connect ideas, contributing to overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices. A greater variety of linking words and phrases would enhance the essay’s sophistication.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently," to provide a more nuanced connection between ideas. This will add depth to the essay and contribute to a more cohesive and polished writing style.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable range of vocabulary, incorporating words like "recreation," "curiosity," "ubiquitous," and "detrimental." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repetitive, such as the frequent use of "smartphones" and "children." Additionally, more advanced vocabulary and varied expressions could enhance the lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To broaden the vocabulary, consider using synonyms or alternative expressions for repetitive terms. For instance, instead of consistently using "smartphones," you might employ "mobile devices," "handheld gadgets," or "digital devices." Integrate more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the overall lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas effectively, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "completely new for them" can be refined for specificity. Additionally, the expression "have been in definitely different virtual worlds" is imprecise and could benefit from clearer language.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Replace vague terms with specific ones. For instance, instead of "completely new," consider specifying what makes smartphone activities novel. In the case of virtual worlds, elaborate on the distinctive features that make them different. Clarity and precision will enhance the overall impact of your vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "short-eye sightedness," which should be spelled as "short-sightedness." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, attention to spelling details can contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
    • How to improve: Review your writing for common spelling errors, and consider using spelling and grammar tools to catch any oversight. Additionally, practice actively proofreading your work to catch minor spelling mistakes. This habit will contribute to overall spelling accuracy and enhance the quality of your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, but refinement in vocabulary variety, precision, and careful spelling can contribute to a more nuanced and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Simple sentences dominate the text, and there is a lack of variety in sentence length and complexity. For example, the essay tends to use straightforward subject-verb-object constructions without incorporating more complex structures such as conditional sentences, passive voice, or complex sentence structures with subordinate clauses.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordination and coordination to add depth and sophistication to your writing. Experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more engaging and varied rhythm. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try incorporating complex structures like conditional sentences or sentences with introductory phrases to convey ideas more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout. For instance, there are instances of incorrect word usage (e.g., "An amount of children") and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas, run-on sentences). These errors affect the overall clarity and precision of the essay. It is essential to proofread and revise to eliminate these issues.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, proper word usage, and punctuation rules. For example, in the sentence "An amount of children," use "a number of children" for more accurate phrasing. Additionally, break down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones to avoid run-on sentences. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify grammatical errors effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

A significant number of children are accustomed to spending hours a day on their smartphones, seeking recreation during their leisure time and satisfying their curiosity with information. Despite this, the impact on their health may be negative.

Children, especially in early childhood, immerse themselves in distinctly different virtual worlds found on smartphones, captivated by interesting and new leisure activities. Whether playing games or watching videos, they explore virtual realms with their favorite characters. For instance, Disney, known for its series of film stories, has fascinated children across generations. Additionally, smartphones serve as a valuable tool for children’s questions. In their early years, the world around them remains unfamiliar, driving a natural urge to seek information. Instead of relying on traditional paper documents, they easily find answers by typing keywords into a web search. Google, the most ubiquitous search engine, has been readily available to help children in their quest for information.

Children tend to use smartphones for both study and leisure, yet certain developments may lead to negative effects on their health, particularly in terms of short-sightedness. Excessive screen time can contribute to eye issues, and platforms like YouTube Kids, a widely used platform, have implemented restrictions to manage children’s screen time.

In conclusion, despite the recreational and informational benefits children gain from using smartphones extensively, there is a potential critical influence on their health, especially regarding eyesight. Balancing smartphone usage with other activities and monitoring screen time is essential to ensure a healthier lifestyle for children.

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