Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is undeniable that nowadays there have been a lot of teenagers using their own smart devices such as smartphones for long hours. Undoubtedly, this problem happens significantly due to the technology era and the education of parents. I believe this is not a positive innovation for several reasons.

The development in technology and the alternative in education of some families are believed to increase the screen time of the majority of children.
Smartphones are used commonly these days and they are likely to be one of the new ways of replacing creational activities. Which means that children are allowed to have devices for learning, entertaining. Moreover, parents would not have enough time to be their kid's companion, it no longer be a strange phenomenon because they have to work busier for livelihood. Thus, these people are not able to take care and teach their sons or daughters so that smartphones are the best solution, which help them look after adolescents.

Young people using too much time for smartphones is a negative issue, since it affects children's concentration and the time for outdoor activities. By giving permission for teenagers to leave the phones on the table next to their lessons, it could interrupt their attention, additionally it makes them have less interest in learning subjects and yearn for using smartphones. Furthermore, children tend to prefer staying at home than hanging out with friends in order to discover their own spaces on smart devices. As a result, communication and paying attention are two most difficult things that young individuals, being addicted to smartphones, have to face up to.

Accessing smartphones at young age is not bad because they are an important item in most people's pocket, but letting children use them without control will be risky for their future. Parents should have higher awareness about this problem so that they can educate their kids as soon as possible about interest in learning and communication skills.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"nowadays" -> "currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise term than "nowadays," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in academic writing.
"there have been a lot of" -> "there are numerous"
Explanation: "There are numerous" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal phrasing of "a lot of."
"using their own smart devices" -> "utilizing their personal smart devices"
Explanation: "Utilizing" is more formal than "using," and "personal" is more specific than "own," enhancing the academic tone.
"for long hours" -> "for extended periods"
Explanation: "For extended periods" is a more formal expression than "for long hours," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the technology era" -> "the technological era"
Explanation: "Technological" is the correct adjective form to describe the era, enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"the education of parents" -> "parental education"
Explanation: "Parental education" is a more precise and formal term than "the education of parents."
"this is not a positive innovation" -> "this is not a beneficial innovation"
Explanation: "Beneficial" is more specific and academically appropriate than "positive," which can be seen as overly subjective.
"Smartphones are used commonly these days" -> "Smartphones are widely used today"
Explanation: "Widely used today" is more concise and formal than "used commonly these days."
"creational activities" -> "recreational activities"
Explanation: "Recreational" is the correct spelling, correcting a typographical error.
"it no longer be a strange phenomenon" -> "it is no longer a rare phenomenon"
Explanation: "Rare" is the correct adjective to describe something unusual, replacing the incorrect "strange."
"work busier" -> "work more intensively"
Explanation: "Work more intensively" is a more precise and formal way to describe increased workload.
"smartphones are the best solution" -> "smartphones are a viable solution"
Explanation: "Viable" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term than "best," which can imply subjective judgment.
"help them look after adolescents" -> "assist in the care of adolescents"
Explanation: "Assist in the care of" is more formal and specific than "help them look after," which is somewhat colloquial.
"Young people using too much time for smartphones" -> "Young people spending excessive time on smartphones"
Explanation: "Spending excessive time on" is a more precise and formal way to describe overuse.
"leave the phones on the table next to their lessons" -> "leave their phones beside their lessons"
Explanation: "Leave their phones beside their lessons" is more concise and formal.
"makes them have less interest in learning subjects" -> "reduces their interest in academic subjects"
Explanation: "Reduces their interest" is more direct and formal, and "academic subjects" is a more precise term than "learning subjects."
"yearn for using smartphones" -> "yearn to use smartphones"
Explanation: "Yearn to use" is grammatically correct and more formal than "yearn for using."
"staying at home than hanging out with friends" -> "staying at home rather than socializing with friends"
Explanation: "Socializing with friends" is a more formal alternative to "hanging out with friends."
"paying attention are two most difficult things" -> "paying attention and communication are two of the most challenging aspects"
Explanation: "Two of the most challenging aspects" is more formal and precise than "two most difficult things."
"Accessing smartphones at young age" -> "Accessing smartphones at a young age"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "young age" corrects the grammatical error.
"not bad because they are an important item" -> "not detrimental because they are an essential item"
Explanation: "Not detrimental" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea that something is not harmful, and "essential" is more appropriate than "important" in this context.
"letting children use them without control" -> "allowing children to use them without supervision"
Explanation: "Supervision" is a more formal term than "control," and "allowing" is more precise than "letting."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses the reasons why children spend excessive time on smartphones and presents an opinion on whether this is a positive or negative development. The reasons provided, such as the influence of technology and parental involvement, are relevant. However, the explanation lacks depth, particularly in exploring the implications of these reasons. For instance, while the essay mentions that parents are busy, it could further elaborate on how this impacts children’s social skills or mental health.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each reason. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics related to screen time and its effects on children would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the conclusion could reiterate the main points more clearly to reinforce the response to both parts of the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that excessive smartphone use among children is a negative development. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, with supporting arguments about its impact on concentration and social interaction. However, the phrasing in some sections is somewhat vague, which can dilute the strength of the position. For example, the phrase "not a positive innovation" could be more assertively stated to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer and more consistent position, the writer should use more definitive language and avoid ambiguous phrases. Additionally, reinforcing the position with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the negative impacts of smartphone use, such as decreased concentration and reduced outdoor activities. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, the claim that smartphones interrupt attention is made but not sufficiently supported with examples or explanations of how this occurs in practical terms.
- How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. For instance, citing specific studies on the effects of screen time on attention spans or providing anecdotal evidence could enhance the argument. Additionally, linking ideas more explicitly can help create a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for children’s smartphone use and the implications of this behavior. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly when discussing parental responsibility. The transition from discussing children’s behavior to parental awareness could be more fluid to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument. Using transition phrases that connect back to the main topic can help keep the discussion centered. Additionally, avoiding tangential points about the benefits of smartphones would help maintain a tighter focus on the negative aspects discussed.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and coherence of argumentation would elevate the response further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first paragraph introduces the topic and outlines the reasons for increased smartphone usage among children. The subsequent paragraphs effectively discuss the negative impacts of excessive smartphone use. However, the flow between ideas could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing parental influence to the negative effects on children’s concentration feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but the structure could be more effective. The first paragraph serves as an introduction, while the second and third paragraphs discuss reasons and consequences, respectively. However, the paragraphs could be better delineated. For instance, the second paragraph combines multiple ideas about parental influence and technology without clear separation.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. Consider breaking the second paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the reasons for increased smartphone usage and another on the implications of this trend. This will create a clearer structure and allow for more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "By giving permission," and "As a result." However, the range is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the phrase "which help them look after adolescents" lacks a clear antecedent, making it difficult for readers to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Consequently," "Therefore," or "This leads to" to connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly refers back to the appropriate antecedent to maintain clarity in the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improving the logical flow, paragraph structure, and range of cohesive devices will enhance the coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "smart devices," "screen time," "creational activities," and "communication skills." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "smartphones" and "children," which appear frequently. The use of "innovation" in a context that typically calls for "development" or "trend" is also a bit off, indicating a limited range of contextually appropriate vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "smartphones," alternatives like "mobile devices," "handheld gadgets," or "digital tools" could be employed. Additionally, varying the terms for "children," such as "youth," "youngsters," or "adolescents," would make the writing more engaging.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the alternative in education of some families" is unclear and could be better expressed as "the educational choices made by some families." Additionally, "creational activities" is a non-standard term; "recreational activities" would be more appropriate. The phrase "it no longer be a strange phenomenon" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using established phrases and terms. Regularly consulting a thesaurus and ensuring that the chosen words fit the context will help. Practicing sentence restructuring can also aid in clarity. For example, rephrasing "it no longer be a strange phenomenon" to "it is no longer unusual" would enhance both clarity and grammatical accuracy.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a few spelling errors, such as "creational" (should be "recreational") and "kid’s" (should be "kids’" when referring to multiple children). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a personal list of frequently used vocabulary can be beneficial. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and ensuring correct spelling—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria for future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Smartphones are used commonly these days and they are likely to be one of the new ways of replacing creational activities" combines two independent clauses effectively. However, the overall range is somewhat limited, with a tendency towards simpler structures. The use of phrases like "which means that" and "by giving permission for" indicates an attempt at complexity, but these are not consistently developed throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied clauses. For instance, using subordinate clauses or participial phrases can add depth. An example could be transforming "parents would not have enough time to be their kid’s companion" into "because parents often lack the time to be their children’s companions, they resort to allowing smartphone use." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "it no longer be a strange phenomenon" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "it is no longer a strange phenomenon." Additionally, the sentence "which help them look after adolescents" lacks subject-verb agreement; it should be "which helps them look after adolescents." Punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "additionally it makes them have less interest," hinder the readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verb tenses are consistent throughout the essay. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common sentence structures can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should pay attention to the use of commas, particularly in compound sentences. Breaking up long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can also enhance clarity. For example, "By giving permission for teenagers to leave the phones on the table next to their lessons, it could interrupt their attention" could be revised to "Allowing teenagers to leave their phones on the table during lessons can interrupt their attention."

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas, improving the range of grammatical structures and ensuring accurate grammar and punctuation will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is undeniable that currently, there are numerous teenagers utilizing their personal smart devices, such as smartphones, for extended periods each day. Undoubtedly, this trend occurs significantly due to the technological era and the level of parental education. I believe this is not a beneficial innovation for several reasons.

The advancement in technology and the changing educational dynamics in some families are believed to contribute to increased screen time among the majority of children. Smartphones are widely used today and have become one of the primary alternatives to recreational activities. This means that children are often allowed to use these devices for both learning and entertainment. Moreover, parents frequently do not have enough time to accompany their children, as it is no longer a rare phenomenon for them to work more intensively for their livelihoods. Consequently, they are unable to care for and teach their sons or daughters effectively, leading to the reliance on smartphones as a viable solution to assist in the care of adolescents.

Young people spending excessive time on smartphones is a negative issue, as it adversely affects their concentration and reduces the time available for outdoor activities. By allowing teenagers to leave their phones beside their lessons, their attention can be easily interrupted, which diminishes their interest in academic subjects and increases their yearning to use smartphones instead. Furthermore, children tend to prefer staying at home rather than socializing with friends, opting instead to explore their own spaces on smart devices. As a result, paying attention and communication are two of the most challenging aspects that young individuals, who are addicted to smartphones, must confront.

Accessing smartphones at a young age is not detrimental because they are an essential item in most people’s pockets; however, allowing children to use them without supervision can be risky for their future. Parents should cultivate a higher awareness of this issue so they can educate their kids as soon as possible about the importance of learning and developing communication skills.