Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is true that there are numerous hours to use cell phones by some young people. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon, and then discuss whether it is a positive or negative development.
There are a number of factors responsible for the fact that youngsters consume a lot of time to approach their smart telephones. Chief among these is that a variety of gaming applications have been introduced. In fact, the diversity of gaming platforms allows users to conquer and opt for many subjects that align with their preferences such as combat games by playstation simulation or apps related to football, thereby increasing the duration of playing this kind of entertainment. Additionally, it is extremely popular for social media which mainly contributes to bridge geographical gaps. Consequently, adolescents and teenagers are capable of connecting with their peers on the internet, meaning that the duration of these conversations can be prolonged and occupy a huge amount of their time.
From my perspective, children having much exposure to smartphone can carry both positive and negative implications. On the positive side, they can broaden their knowledge by accessing useful information. By way of illustration, Youtube, namely the most currently ubiquitous platform, includes a huge amount of channels producing knowledgeable videos in terms of studying or updating news and thus effectively conveying valuable contents to young viewers. Concerning the drawbacks, the time-consuming activity can cause some health problems. This is because smartphone addiction can lead a sedentary lifestyle due to lack of physical exercises and therefore result in obesity or heart diseases for young citizens.
In conclusion, several reasons can be given to explain why there exists various young individuals exposed to expend much time on their smartphones. While this phenomenon can bring about some beneficial aspects, it can also give rise to certain issues.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "numerous hours to use cell phones" -> "considerable time spent using cell phones"
   Explanation: "Numerous hours to use" is awkward and unclear. "Considerable time spent using" is more precise and natural in academic writing, emphasizing the extent of time spent in a more formal manner.

2. "youngsters consume a lot of time to approach their smart telephones" -> "youngsters spend considerable time using their smartphones"
   Explanation: "Consume a lot of time to approach" is an unnatural and unclear phrase. "Spend considerable time using" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, and "smartphones" is the correct term for modern mobile devices.

3. "a variety of gaming applications have been introduced" -> "a range of gaming applications have been introduced"
   Explanation: "A variety" can be replaced with "a range" to provide a more precise and formal term in academic contexts, enhancing the tone of the essay.

4. "by playstation simulation" -> "such as PlayStation simulations"
   Explanation: "by playstation simulation" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Such as PlayStation simulations" corrects the grammar and clarifies the reference to specific types of games.

5. "extremely popular for social media" -> "extremely popular on social media"
   Explanation: "For" is incorrectly used here; "on" is the correct preposition to use when referring to the platform itself, not its purpose.

6. "bridge geographical gaps" -> "bridge geographical distances"
   Explanation: "Gaps" is vague and less precise than "distances," which is more specific and appropriate for describing the connection between people across geographical areas.

7. "children having much exposure to smartphone" -> "children having extensive exposure to smartphones"
   Explanation: "Much exposure" is vague and informal. "Extensive exposure" is more precise and formal, and "smartphones" should be plural to match the context of multiple devices.

8. "carry both positive and negative implications" -> "entail both positive and negative implications"
   Explanation: "Carry" is less formal and slightly vague in this context. "Entail" is more precise and academically appropriate, indicating the inherent consequences of the exposure.

9. "By way of illustration" -> "For example"
   Explanation: "By way of illustration" is verbose and less common in academic writing. "For example" is a more straightforward and widely accepted transition in formal essays.

10. "namely the most currently ubiquitous platform" -> "namely the most widely used platform"
    Explanation: "Currently ubiquitous" is redundant and awkward. "Most widely used" is simpler and more direct, maintaining the formal tone while avoiding redundancy.

11. "conveying valuable contents" -> "conveying valuable content"
    Explanation: "Contents" is plural and incorrect in this context, referring to a single piece of information. "Content" should be used as a singular noun to match the singular verb "conveying."

12. "can lead a sedentary lifestyle" -> "can lead to a sedentary lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Lead a" is grammatically incorrect. "Lead to" is the correct preposition to use when indicating the consequence of an action, making the sentence grammatically correct and clearer.

13. "there exists various young individuals exposed to expend much time" -> "there are various young individuals who spend considerable time"
    Explanation: "There exists" is awkward and less direct. "There are" is more natural and appropriate for academic writing. "Exposed to expend much time" is grammatically incorrect; "who spend considerable time" corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by exploring the reasons why children spend excessive time on smartphones and discussing the positive and negative implications of this behavior. The reasons provided, such as the appeal of gaming applications and the role of social media in connecting peers, are relevant and well-articulated. However, the discussion of the implications could be more balanced; while positive aspects are mentioned, the negative consequences are not as thoroughly explored.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more detailed examples or evidence for both the positive and negative aspects. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics related to smartphone use and its effects on health or education could strengthen the argument. Additionally, ensuring that both sides are given equal attention would provide a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges both the positive and negative aspects of smartphone use among children. The writer states their perspective in the introduction and maintains it throughout the essay. However, the phrasing "can carry both positive and negative implications" may come off as somewhat vague, which could lead to confusion about the writer’s ultimate stance.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should explicitly state their overall opinion on whether they believe the phenomenon is more positive or negative. A definitive statement in the conclusion summarizing their stance would reinforce their position and provide clarity for the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to smartphone use, including the appeal of gaming and social media. However, while some ideas are introduced, they are not always fully extended or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of "knowledgeable videos" on YouTube could be expanded by discussing how these videos have positively impacted learning outcomes for children.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on their points with specific examples and explanations. For example, they could include a brief case study or anecdote about a child who benefited from educational content on YouTube, which would provide a more robust support for their claims.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for smartphone use and the implications of this behavior. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the phrase "a variety of gaming applications have been introduced" could be more specific about which applications are most popular or relevant to the discussion.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. They could also use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly indicate how each section contributes to the overall argument. This would help the reader follow the writer’s line of reasoning more easily.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, there are opportunities for improvement in depth, clarity, and focus that could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two main areas of discussion: reasons for smartphone usage and the evaluation of its positive and negative aspects. The body paragraphs are organized logically, with the first paragraph focusing on reasons and the second on the implications of smartphone usage. However, the transition between discussing reasons and implications could be smoother. For example, the phrase "From my perspective" introduces a shift in focus but could benefit from a more explicit connection to the previous paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For instance, you could use phrases like "Having explored the reasons for excessive smartphone use, it is important to consider its implications." This would help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph contains a main idea, supported by examples. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus; for instance, the second body paragraph combines both positive and negative aspects without clearly delineating them, which could confuse readers.
  • How to improve: Consider creating separate paragraphs for positive and negative implications of smartphone use. This would allow for a more focused discussion in each section and enhance clarity. For example, after discussing the positive aspects, you could start a new paragraph with a topic sentence like, "Despite these benefits, there are significant drawbacks to consider."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," and "By way of illustration." These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied expressions that indicate contrast or elaboration, which would enrich the essay’s cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify your use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating phrases that indicate contrast, such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," when discussing negative implications after the positive ones. Additionally, using synonyms or paraphrasing can help avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "smartphone," you might refer to it as "mobile devices" or "digital technology" in different sections.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving its overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "phenomenon," "diversity," "conquer," and "sedentary lifestyle." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, phrases like "a lot of time" and "huge amount" are rather informal and could be replaced with more sophisticated alternatives such as "significant amount" or "substantial time." Additionally, the use of "smart telephones" is less common; "smartphones" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more varied expressions and synonyms. For example, instead of repeating "time" and "young people," they could use "duration" and "youth" or "adolescents." Engaging with a wider array of reading materials, such as academic articles or high-quality essays, can help in acquiring more advanced vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "consume a lot of time to approach their smart telephones" is awkward and unclear; "consume" is typically used for tangible goods rather than time. Additionally, "by playstation simulation" is vague and could confuse readers regarding its meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context and collocation. Instead of saying "consume a lot of time," they could say "spend a significant amount of time using their smartphones." Furthermore, clarity can be enhanced by providing specific examples or clearer explanations of terms, such as "gaming applications" instead of "gaming platforms."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "Youtube" (which should be "YouTube") and "knowledgeable videos in terms of studying" (where "knowledgeable" could be more accurately replaced with "educational"). These errors, while not numerous, can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or vocabulary drills can help solidify correct spelling in memory. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding their vocabulary, focusing on precise language, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "there are numerous hours to use cell phones by some young people" and "the diversity of gaming platforms allows users to conquer and opt for many subjects" showcase an attempt to use more sophisticated structures. However, some sentences are awkwardly phrased, such as "the fact that youngsters consume a lot of time to approach their smart telephones," which could be more clearly expressed. The use of phrases like "by way of illustration" and "concerning the drawbacks" indicates an effort to vary sentence openings and transitions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more conditional sentences and participle clauses. For example, instead of saying "the time-consuming activity can cause some health problems," the writer could use a participle clause: "Time-consuming activities, if not moderated, can lead to health problems." Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transitions could improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For instance, the phrase "there are numerous hours to use cell phones" is awkward and could be more accurately phrased as "some children spend numerous hours using cell phones." Additionally, the sentence "the duration of these conversations can be prolonged and occupy a huge amount of their time" could benefit from clearer punctuation; a comma before "and" would improve readability. There are also issues with article usage, such as "the most currently ubiquitous platform" which could be simplified to "the most ubiquitous platform currently."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence construction and ensuring that articles and prepositions are used correctly. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common pitfalls like article usage and awkward phrasing, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and sentence clarity can help catch mistakes before finalizing the essay. Using tools like grammar checkers or peer reviews can also provide valuable feedback on grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on clarity, precision, and further diversifying sentence structures will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that there are numerous hours spent using cell phones by some young people. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and then discuss whether it is a positive or negative development.

There are a number of factors responsible for the fact that youngsters spend considerable time using their smartphones. Chief among these is that a variety of gaming applications have been introduced. In fact, the diversity of gaming platforms allows users to conquer and opt for many subjects that align with their preferences, such as combat games by PlayStation simulations or apps related to football, thereby increasing the duration of playing this kind of entertainment. Additionally, social media is extremely popular, which mainly contributes to bridging geographical gaps. Consequently, adolescents and teenagers are capable of connecting with their peers on the internet, meaning that the duration of these conversations can be prolonged and occupy a huge amount of their time.

From my perspective, children having extensive exposure to smartphones can entail both positive and negative implications. On the positive side, they can broaden their knowledge by accessing useful information. For example, YouTube, namely the most widely used platform, includes a huge number of channels producing knowledgeable videos in terms of studying or updating news and thus effectively conveying valuable content to young viewers. Concerning the drawbacks, this time-consuming activity can cause some health problems. This is because smartphone addiction can lead to a sedentary lifestyle due to a lack of physical exercise and therefore result in obesity or heart diseases for young citizens.

In conclusion, several reasons can be given to explain why there are various young individuals who spend considerable time on their smartphones. While this phenomenon can bring about some beneficial aspects, it can also give rise to certain issues.