Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other
planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Some people say that children are now less active in their spare time and so that the idea of sports lessons must be compulsory comes up. There are points for and against this idea but for overall I totally agree with that and I will give my own opinions in the following paragraphs.
From my own view, the reason for the less active of young people is since the technology is developing, children who are grown with electric devices around them must be affected more and less. In the past, children accustomed to hanging out with their friends for chatting directly or playing outdoor games. In the today’s world, they prefer to use phone or computer to entertain themselves to go out and do physical activities instead. Therefore, sports lessons at school is a must to avoid that harmful trend in children’s habits. Physical activity improves significantly children’s mental well-being. When children workout, they not only get fitter but also improve their soft skills such as communication or team work capability. Before, children went outside regularly and did not rely on internet to have fun, so that the government did not have to spend much money on medical care. The opposite happens in the present when young boys and girls start losing interest in outdoor activities, they are now distracted by mobile phones and computers.
On the other hand, sports lessons are considered a waste of time. In addiction, many schools do not have enough money to purchase sports facilities. Also, there are a number of students do not enjoy playing sports, so it might be hard for them when sports is a compulsory part of school programs. In my own opinion, children should balance both physical and academic subjects because taking care of their health is also an important factor leads to good results at school. Just to clarify, children are not forced to play well, they only need to join in a sport, try to learn how to play it as an actual subject, and somehow they can find the thrilling side of that sport one day.
In conclusion, my point is to agree and support sports to be compulsory at school due to the recently trend of children be not active as they used to be.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"so that the idea of sports lessons must be compulsory comes up" -> "thus, the proposition of mandatory sports lessons arises"
Explanation: The phrase "must be compulsory" is redundant and less formal. Replacing it with "mandatory" and restructuring the sentence enhances formality and clarity.
"for overall I totally agree with that" -> "overall, I strongly support this notion"
Explanation: The phrase "for overall" is awkward and not grammatically correct. "I totally agree with that" is casual; replacing it with "I strongly support this notion" maintains formality.
"From my own view" -> "In my perspective"
Explanation: "From my own view" is less formal. "In my perspective" provides a more academically suitable introduction to the writer’s opinion.
"less active of young people" -> "decreased activity among young individuals"
Explanation: "Less active of young people" lacks precision. "Decreased activity among young individuals" is clearer and more appropriate for an academic context.
"is since the technology is developing" -> "is due to technological advancements"
Explanation: The phrase "is since the technology is developing" is awkward. "Due to technological advancements" provides a clearer and more concise explanation.
"children who are grown with electric devices around them" -> "children raised amidst electronic devices"
Explanation: "Children who are grown with electric devices around them" is awkward and less formal. "Children raised amidst electronic devices" is more concise and suitable for academic writing.
"children accustomed to hanging out with their friends for chatting directly" -> "children used to socialize by direct interaction with friends"
Explanation: The phrase "hanging out with their friends for chatting directly" is informal. "Children used to socialize by direct interaction with friends" is more formal and clearer.
"In the today’s world" -> "In today’s society"
Explanation: "In the today’s world" sounds less formal. "In today’s society" is a more appropriate and concise phrase for academic writing.
"to entertain themselves to go out and do physical activities instead" -> "to entertain themselves outdoors or engage in physical activities"
Explanation: "To entertain themselves to go out" is awkward. "To entertain themselves outdoors or engage in physical activities" offers a clearer and more formal expression.
"Physical activity improves significantly children’s mental well-being" -> "Physical activity significantly enhances children’s mental well-being"
Explanation: The sentence structure can be refined for clarity and formality. "Enhances" conveys a stronger impact than "improves significantly."
"Before, children went outside regularly" -> "Previously, children frequently spent time outdoors"
Explanation: "Before, children went outside regularly" sounds less formal. "Previously, children frequently spent time outdoors" maintains formality and clarity.
"In addiction" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: "In addiction" is incorrect in this context. "Additionally" is a more appropriate transition for presenting an opposing viewpoint.
"many schools do not have enough money" -> "numerous schools lack sufficient funds"
Explanation: "Many schools do not have enough money" is less formal. "Numerous schools lack sufficient funds" is a more formal expression.
"In my own opinion" -> "In my opinion"
Explanation: "In my own opinion" is redundant. "In my opinion" is sufficiently clear without the extra word.
"they only need to join in a sport" -> "they only need to participate in a sport"
Explanation: "Join in a sport" could be slightly ambiguous. "Participate in a sport" offers a clearer meaning in this context.
"recently trend of children be not active as they used to be" -> "recent trend of decreased physical activity among children"
Explanation: "Recently trend of children be not active as they used to be" is awkward and lacks precision. "Recent trend of decreased physical activity among children" is clearer and more academically appropriate.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, presenting reasons for and against the idea of compulsory sports lessons. The introduction states the writer’s position clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance completeness, provide a more balanced exploration of the opposing viewpoint. Include specific examples or counterarguments to strengthen the analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance in support of compulsory sports lessons. The position is evident in the introduction and consistently upheld throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Continue reinforcing the position with stronger language and conviction. Emphasize the perspective through more explicit statements and support.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented but lack development. While there are mentions of the impact of technology on children’s activity levels, more elaboration and examples would strengthen the essay.
- How to improve: Expand on each point with specific examples and provide in-depth explanations. This will enhance the overall depth and coherence of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of compulsory sports lessons. However, there are moments of repetition, and some ideas could be more clearly connected to the main topic.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining a direct connection between ideas and the main topic. Avoid redundancy and ensure that every point directly contributes to the overall argument.
The essay provides a well-structured response to the prompt with a clear stance and reasonable coverage of supporting ideas. To improve, strengthen the analysis by offering more balanced views, extending and supporting ideas with specific examples, and ensuring a seamless flow between paragraphs. Additionally, be mindful of avoiding repetition to enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets up the author’s position, and subsequent paragraphs provide arguments supporting this stance. However, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity and the development of ideas. For instance, the transition between the discussion of the negative effects of technology on physical activity and the benefits of sports lessons could be smoother, enhancing the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay more effectively. Additionally, clarify the link between the negative impact of technology and the need for sports lessons.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different points of discussion. However, some paragraphs are lengthy, affecting the overall readability. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, and the lengthier ones could be broken down for better structuring.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central theme. Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability. This will contribute to a more organized and coherent essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as transition words and pronouns, but there is room for improvement in diversifying and effectively using them. Some connections between ideas may seem abrupt, and a more varied range of cohesive devices would strengthen the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including synonyms, parallel structures, and more varied transition words. This will create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement. Focus on refining the logical flow between ideas, breaking down lengthy paragraphs for better structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to create a more polished and coherent essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, covering various aspects of the topic. For instance, it incorporates terms like "soft skills," "mental well-being," "outdoor activities," "distracted," and "compulsory," showcasing diversity in expression.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary is generally rich, consider incorporating more academic or advanced terminology related to the subject matter. Additionally, strive for precision in word choice to enhance the overall sophistication of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. However, there are instances where the expression could be more refined. For example, the phrase "children who are grown with electric devices around them must be affected more and less" is somewhat imprecise.
- How to improve: Aim for clearer and more concise expressions. In this case, specifying how technology affects children and providing concrete examples would enhance precision. Avoid ambiguous phrases to ensure a more accurate conveyance of ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are a few instances of errors, such as "addiction" instead of "additional" and "less active of young people" instead of "less active among young people."
- How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to catch and rectify spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing tools like spell-check to ensure a higher level of accuracy. Developing a habit of revising written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary, contributing to a Band Score of 7 in Lexical Resource. To enhance this score further, focus on refining vocabulary precision by avoiding vague expressions and using more nuanced language. Additionally, meticulous proofreading to address spelling errors will contribute to an even stronger performance in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly uses simple sentence structures, lacking complexity. For instance, there is a frequent use of basic subject-verb-object constructions. Limited variation in sentence structures diminishes the overall richness of the essay.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of sentence structures to enhance the essay’s sophistication. Incorporate complex sentences, compound sentences, and varied sentence lengths. This can be achieved by using conjunctions, introductory phrases, and subordinate clauses.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays notable grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("less active of young people") and preposition misuse ("since the technology is developing"). Subject-verb agreement issues and improper word choices are also present, impacting the clarity of expression.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and preposition usage. Review sentence structures to ensure coherence and precision. Consider seeking assistance from grammar resources or proofreading tools to address specific issues.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is inconsistently applied throughout the essay. There are instances of missing commas after introductory phrases and unnecessary commas creating confusion. Moreover, there are issues with sentence-ending punctuation.
- How to improve: Focus on proper comma usage, especially after introductory phrases. Ensure clarity by using commas where needed and avoiding them where unnecessary. Review basic punctuation rules, such as proper use of periods and commas at the end of sentences, to refine punctuation skills.
Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, the language could benefit from greater variety and precision. Improving sentence structures, addressing grammatical errors, and refining punctuation will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay, potentially elevating the band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some argue that children nowadays are less active during their free time, prompting discussions about the necessity of mandatory sports lessons. There are both supporting and opposing views on this matter, but overall, I strongly endorse the idea. In my perspective, the decline in physical activity among young individuals is linked to technological advancements, with children growing up surrounded by electronic devices. Previously, children used to socialize through direct interaction with friends and engage in outdoor activities. However, in today’s society, they tend to entertain themselves indoors using phones or computers, neglecting physical activities.
Thus, the proposition of mandatory sports lessons arises as a solution to counter this trend in children’s habits. Physical activity significantly enhances children’s mental well-being. In the past, children frequently spent time outdoors, and this was not only a source of entertainment but also contributed to their overall well-being. Additionally, the government didn’t have to allocate substantial funds for medical care. Unfortunately, the recent trend of decreased physical activity among children has reversed this scenario, with young individuals becoming more engrossed in mobile phones and computers.
Some argue that sports lessons are a waste of time, especially considering that many schools lack sufficient funds to invest in sports facilities. Moreover, there are students who do not enjoy playing sports, making it challenging when sports become a compulsory part of school programs. In my opinion, children should strike a balance between physical and academic subjects because maintaining good health is a crucial factor that contributes to academic success. It’s important to note that children are not compelled to excel in sports; they only need to participate, learn the basics as part of the curriculum, and may discover the enjoyable aspects of the sport over time.
In conclusion, I firmly support the idea of making sports compulsory in schools to address the declining trend of physical activity among children. It is crucial to ensure their overall well-being and instill habits that promote a healthy lifestyle.