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Some education systems make children focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?

Some education systems make children focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?

Education is one of the most vital factors to foster talents for a country. Due to this significance, up until now, there have been numerous controversies about schooling curricula. While many people believe that students should be required to study huge amounts of subjects until leaving school, I would argue that making children more concentrated on specific subjects at the age of 15 is outweighed by the advantages.
On the one hand, learning a variety of subjects is beneficial to some extent. The main shortcoming is that this educational approach can provide huge amounts of academic knowledge in a comprehensive way. Therefore, children can easily recognise a problem or obviously understand the agent of the question source, so that they can tackle it neatly. In addition, accessing a wide range of fields until leaving school can help them gain various knowledge from all different aspects. They can master and gain much experience from many subjects.
On the other hand, I believe that focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15 is more beneficial. Firstly, children have more opportunities to pursue the field they want. That learning style makes childrens more interested in curricula, which encourages their potential abilities to be strong. Secondly, studying at the age of 14 to focus on certain subjects is much more valuable than any age group. At the age of 15, students have their interests, passions so as to make their own decision. Being concentrated on certain subjects facilitates them to orient their future careers as well as pursue their expectations. Furthermore, studying that curricula can help children to broaden their knowledge deeply, instead of learning a variety of fields without getting entrenched in. Therefore, children will be promoted in terms of skills and academic knowledge.
In conclusion, although both systems of education certainly have many validity, it seems to me that being focused on certain subjects possess some key advantages over huge amounts of fields.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "huge amounts of subjects" -> "a wide array of subjects"
    Explanation: The phrase "huge amounts of subjects" is informal and lacks precision. "A wide array of subjects" maintains the idea of diversity in coursework while sounding more formal and academically appropriate.

  2. "making children more concentrated" -> "fostering a more focused approach in children"
    Explanation: "Making children more concentrated" is awkward and lacks academic formality. "Fostering a more focused approach in children" retains the meaning while employing a more formal structure.

  3. "so that they can tackle it neatly" -> "thus enabling them to address it effectively"
    Explanation: "Tackle it neatly" is too casual for an academic context. "Thus enabling them to address it effectively" maintains formality and clarity.

  4. "accessing a wide range of fields until leaving school" -> "exposure to diverse fields throughout their education"
    Explanation: The phrase "accessing a wide range of fields until leaving school" is wordy and lacks precision. "Exposure to diverse fields throughout their education" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.

  5. "gain much experience" -> "acquire significant experience"
    Explanation: "Gain much experience" is a bit informal. "Acquire significant experience" sounds more academically appropriate while maintaining the intended meaning.

  6. "making childrens" -> "enabling children"
    Explanation: "Making childrens" is grammatically incorrect. "Enabling children" maintains formality and correct grammar.

  7. "curricula" -> "academic disciplines"
    Explanation: While "curricula" isn’t wrong, using "academic disciplines" offers a more precise and formal term suitable for this context.

  8. "studying at the age of 14 to focus on certain subjects" -> "engaging in specialized studies at the age of 14"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity. "Engaging in specialized studies at the age of 14" is more precise and clearer.

  9. "passions so as to make their own decision" -> "passions, enabling them to make independent decisions"
    Explanation: "Passions so as to make their own decision" is awkwardly phrased. "Passions, enabling them to make independent decisions" offers a clearer and more formal expression.

  10. "pursue their expectations" -> "pursue their aspirations"
    Explanation: "Pursue their expectations" might be misconstrued. "Pursue their aspirations" is more appropriate in an academic context, emphasizing goals and ambitions.

  11. "studying that curricula" -> "engaging in such a curriculum"
    Explanation: "Studying that curricula" is not grammatically correct. "Engaging in such a curriculum" offers a more appropriate structure.

  12. "learning a variety of fields without getting entrenched in" -> "exploring diverse fields without delving deeply"
    Explanation: "Getting entrenched in" is a bit informal. "Exploring diverse fields without delving deeply" maintains formality and clarity.

  13. "systems of education certainly have many validity" -> "both educational systems have their merits"
    Explanation: "Systems of education certainly have many validity" is awkward and lacks precision. "Both educational systems have their merits" is clearer and more formal.

  14. "being focused on certain subjects possess" -> "focusing on specific subjects possesses"
    Explanation: "Being focused on certain subjects possess" is grammatically incorrect. "Focusing on specific subjects possesses" maintains the intended meaning with correct grammar.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt – the benefits of making children focus on specific subjects at the age of 15 and the benefits of requiring students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. The writer acknowledges the advantages of learning a variety of subjects while presenting a clear preference for focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15. Relevant sections such as "learning a variety of subjects is beneficial" and "focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15 is more beneficial" support this analysis.
    • How to improve: While the essay is generally well-balanced, consider providing a more in-depth exploration of the benefits of studying a wide range of subjects until leaving school. This could enhance the overall analysis by offering a more comprehensive view of both perspectives.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently arguing in favor of focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15. The stance is evident in statements like "I would argue that making children more concentrated on specific subjects at the age of 15 is outweighed by the advantages."
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider reinforcing the central argument in the concluding section to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and extends ideas, providing support for the chosen stance. For instance, the essay explores the benefits of studying a variety of subjects, emphasizing academic knowledge and gaining experience. It also delves into the advantages of focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15, highlighting opportunities for pursuing desired fields, developing interests, and making valuable decisions.
    • How to improve: To address the comment that ideas may lack focus, consider refining the organization of ideas to enhance coherence. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and directly contributes to the overall argument. Additionally, provide more specific examples or evidence to illustrate key points and make the analysis more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic and addresses the main components of the prompt. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be more seamless. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use clear and logical connections to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly. This will contribute to a more cohesive and focused response.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of language and addresses the prompt effectively. To further improve, consider refining the organization of ideas and providing more specific examples to support key points.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, discussing the benefits of studying a wide range of subjects and then focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15. Finally, the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in terms of transitional sentences to enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more transitional phrases between paragraphs to create a smoother flow. For instance, phrases like "On the contrary," or "In contrast," can help guide the reader through the different sections of your essay.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, and there is a mostly logical sequencing of ideas within each paragraph. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences to signal the main idea more explicitly.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This will help readers follow the progression of your argument more easily. Additionally, make sure that each paragraph focuses on a single point to avoid any potential confusion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a flexible use of cohesive devices, contributing to the overall coherence. There are instances of linking words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In addition") that help connect ideas. However, there are a few inaccuracies and instances where more varied cohesive devices could be employed for a more sophisticated effect.
    • How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices. While your use of phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" is good, consider incorporating a wider variety, such as "moreover," "furthermore," or "conversely." This will add nuance and sophistication to your essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid coherence and cohesion level, indicative of a Band 7 score. To further enhance coherence, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs, ensure explicit topic sentences, and diversify your use of cohesive devices for a more refined effect.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of vocabulary, but it falls short of the Band 7 requirement. While there is a reasonable variety of vocabulary used, it lacks the depth and precision necessary for a higher score. For instance, the phrase "huge amounts of subjects" could be enhanced with more specific and varied language, considering the wide range of subjects available in an academic setting.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to incorporate more sophisticated and precise vocabulary. Instead of relying on general terms like "huge amounts," they can employ more specific terms, such as a "diverse array of subjects" or a "broad spectrum of disciplines." This will elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally clear meaning with some precision, but it lacks consistency in precise vocabulary usage. While certain ideas are conveyed effectively, there are instances where more precise terms could replace vague or generic expressions. For example, in the sentence "children can easily recognize a problem or obviously understand the agent of the question source," the use of "agent of the question source" is unclear and could benefit from a more precise choice of words.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on substituting ambiguous or repetitive terms with more specific and concise vocabulary. For instance, rephrasing the mentioned sentence to "children can easily identify an issue or clearly comprehend the origin of the question" would contribute to a more precise use of language.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits few spelling errors, and these do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the text. The spelling accuracy is generally commendable, contributing to a smooth reading experience.
    • How to improve: While the spelling is largely accurate, the writer should maintain this standard by continuing to proofread carefully. Attention to detail in spelling will ensure that the few errors observed do not compromise the overall quality of the essay. Regularly reviewing and revising written work can help in identifying and rectifying any remaining minor spelling issues.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to incorporate a mix of sentence structures, but there’s a lack of consistency and flexibility in employing complex forms. The essay predominantly consists of simple and compound sentences with limited use of more sophisticated structures. For instance, there are instances where complex structures are attempted but lack accuracy, causing disruptions in the flow and clarity of ideas. For instance, in the sentence, "Therefore, children can easily recognise a problem or obviously understand the agent of the question source," there’s an attempt at complexity, but the phrasing compromises clarity due to the awkwardness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, aim for a more seamless integration of complex sentences. Focus on accuracy while utilizing diverse sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, relative clauses, and conditional structures. Strive for clarity and coherence in complex sentences to convey ideas more effectively. Practicing with model essays and paying attention to sentence structure in editing can aid in refining these skills.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficient grammatical accuracy. The majority of the essay consists of error-free sentences, contributing to clear communication of ideas. However, there are a few instances where grammatical errors slightly hinder comprehension. For instance, in the sentence, "That learning style makes childrens more interested in curricula," the incorrect use of "childrens" instead of "children" affects accuracy. These minor errors, although infrequent, slightly detract from an otherwise well-structured and grammatically sound essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading to identify and rectify minor errors. Specifically, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, singular/plural noun usage, and article use to ensure precision in language. Engage in targeted grammar exercises and utilize grammar-checking tools to address these specific areas for improvement.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates well-controlled punctuation. Most punctuation marks are appropriately used, contributing to the overall readability of the text. However, there are sporadic instances where punctuation could be refined for better clarity. For instance, in the sentence, "That learning style makes childrens more interested in curricula, which encourages their potential abilities to be strong," a comma after "curricula" would aid in separating clauses for clearer comprehension.
    • How to improve: To refine punctuation skills, focus on the proper use of commas, semicolons, and colons to enhance sentence structure and readability. Review specific rules pertaining to punctuation marks and practice implementing them in sentences to reinforce their correct usage. Utilizing punctuation guides and analyzing model essays can assist in improving punctuation precision.

In summary, while the essay exhibits commendable aspects in grammatical accuracy and punctuation usage, there’s room for improvement in the consistent use of a wider range of sentence structures. Emphasizing varied structures with accuracy, ensuring grammatical precision, and refining punctuation will significantly elevate the overall quality of the essay. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on these specific areas can aid in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Education plays a pivotal role in nurturing the talents of a nation. Given its significance, there have been ongoing debates about school curricula. While some argue that students should study a multitude of subjects until they finish school, I contend that concentrating on specific subjects at the age of 15 has more merits.

On one hand, delving into a wide array of subjects has its merits. This educational approach provides a substantial amount of academic knowledge in a comprehensive manner. Consequently, children can easily identify problems and understand the core of the questions, enabling them to address them effectively. Moreover, exposure to diverse fields throughout their education allows them to acquire significant experience and knowledge from various aspects.

On the other hand, I posit that focusing on specific subjects at the age of 15 is more advantageous. Firstly, this approach offers children more opportunities to pursue their desired fields. This learning style sparks greater interest in curricula, fostering the development of their potential abilities. Secondly, engaging in specialized studies at the age of 14 is particularly valuable. At this age, students have developed interests and passions, enabling them to make independent decisions. Concentrating on certain subjects facilitates them in shaping their future careers and pursuing their aspirations. Furthermore, engaging in such a curriculum helps children explore and deepen their knowledge, as opposed to merely skimming the surface of various fields. Consequently, they are promoted in terms of skills and academic proficiency.

In conclusion, although both educational systems have their merits, it seems evident to me that focusing on specific subjects possesses key advantages over studying a wide range of fields. This approach not only allows children to pursue their interests more effectively but also provides a deeper and more meaningful understanding of the subjects they study.

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