Some educationalists argue that non-exam subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree and disagree?
Some educationalists argue that non-exam subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree and disagree?
Some scientists believe that secondary school students should be madatorily taught non-exam subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft due to developing overall academic performance. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the necessity of forcing secondary students to learn these subjects.
Firstly,most subjects that have a trend to the art field such as singing, dancing, and drawing are inherently abstract and challenging to comprehend. It is accepted that artists focus more on expressing their emotions rather than using exact linguistic conventions.As a result,in art products, there are many special using-word methods and grammar appeared, even mistakes are appreciated as a metaphor method to motivate the emotion of audiences. At the end of the scale, academic writing demands precision in language use to convey meaning accurately thanks to the scientific characteristics of performances.
Another point to consider is that it is arguable that acquiring art skills may not always be beneficial in future circumstances. Only a part of secondary students have a passion and talent in art-related subjects and apply these skills to enhance performances. Moreover, each student has different hobbies and outstanding skills, so adding talented subjects to become obligatory classes in the secondary curriculum is predicted to increase the studying pressure and waste time for the uninterested. At the moment, many EU countries offer art activities becoming selective subjects appropriate to the individual hobbies and interests of students.
In conclusion,to enhance the quality of academic performance, talented subjects are an unsuitable option for the majority of secondary school students studying in secondary schools, so the obligation of forcing them to learn such subjects may be unproductive.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"madatorily" -> "mandatory"
Explanation: "Madatorily" is not a standard English word. "Mandatory" is the correct term to indicate something that is required or compulsory. -
"due to developing overall academic performance" -> "to enhance overall academic performance"
Explanation: "Due to developing" is awkward and lacks clarity. "To enhance" is a clearer and more concise phrase that maintains the intended meaning. -
"In my opinion, I completely disagree with" -> "I strongly disagree with"
Explanation: "In my opinion, I completely disagree with" is redundant and overly wordy. "I strongly disagree with" is more direct and maintains formality. -
"Firstly,most" -> "Firstly, most"
Explanation: A space is needed after the comma for proper punctuation. -
"subjects that have a trend to the art field" -> "subjects related to the arts"
Explanation: "Subjects that have a trend to the art field" is awkward and unclear. "Subjects related to the arts" is a more concise and precise phrase. -
"As a result,in" -> "As a result, in"
Explanation: A space is needed after the comma for proper punctuation. -
"using-word methods" -> "usage methods"
Explanation: "Using-word methods" is unclear and awkward. "Usage methods" is more concise and accurately conveys the intended meaning. -
"even mistakes are appreciated as a metaphor method" -> "even mistakes are appreciated as a form of metaphor"
Explanation: "Metaphor method" is not idiomatic. "A form of metaphor" is a clearer and more grammatically correct phrase. -
"to motivate the emotion of audiences" -> "to evoke emotions in audiences"
Explanation: "Motivate the emotion of audiences" is awkward and unclear. "Evoke emotions in audiences" is more concise and maintains clarity. -
"At the end of the scale" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: "At the end of the scale" is an unusual phrase. "On the other hand" is a more common expression to introduce a contrasting point. -
"acquiring art skills may not always be beneficial in future circumstances" -> "acquiring art skills may not always be advantageous in future endeavors"
Explanation: "Beneficial in future circumstances" is a bit vague. "Advantageous in future endeavors" is a more precise and formal phrase. -
"adding talented subjects to become obligatory classes" -> "making specialized subjects mandatory"
Explanation: "Adding talented subjects to become obligatory classes" is awkwardly phrased. "Making specialized subjects mandatory" is clearer and more concise. -
"many EU countries offer art activities becoming selective subjects" -> "many EU countries offer selective art programs"
Explanation: "Art activities becoming selective subjects" is grammatically incorrect. "Selective art programs" is a clearer and more concise term. -
"appropriate to the individual hobbies and interests of students" -> "tailored to individual students’ hobbies and interests"
Explanation: "Appropriate to the individual hobbies and interests of students" is wordy. "Tailored to individual students’ hobbies and interests" is more concise and maintains clarity. -
"unsuitable option for the majority of secondary school students studying in secondary schools" -> "inappropriate choice for the majority of secondary school students"
Explanation: "Unsuitable option for the majority of secondary school students studying in secondary schools" is redundant and awkward. "Inappropriate choice for the majority of secondary school students" is more concise and clearer.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion on whether non-exam subjects should be compulsory in secondary school curriculums to enhance academic performance. It discusses both sides of the argument and offers a definitive stance against mandatory inclusion of such subjects.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively presents a viewpoint, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the opposing perspective. Offering a nuanced analysis of the potential benefits of compulsory non-exam subjects, even if ultimately rebutted, would strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting disagreement with the compulsory inclusion of non-exam subjects in secondary school curriculums. Each paragraph reinforces this position with supporting arguments and examples.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion to ensure the reader comprehensively understands the writer’s standpoint.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas, offering arguments against mandatory non-exam subjects with examples and reasoning. It discusses the abstract nature of art subjects and the potential lack of applicability for all students.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the essay could delve deeper into the potential benefits of art education for certain students, acknowledging its value while maintaining the argument against compulsion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, focusing on the debate surrounding the inclusion of non-exam subjects in secondary school curriculums and its impact on academic performance.
- How to improve: While the essay largely maintains relevance, there are moments where the discussion slightly veers off topic, such as when discussing the individual hobbies and interests of students. Tightening the focus on the central argument would strengthen coherence and relevance.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and effectively presents a coherent argument against compulsory non-exam subjects in secondary school curriculums. To improve further, it could explore the opposing viewpoint in more depth and ensure tighter cohesion and relevance throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction clearly states the author’s opinion, and each body paragraph presents a distinct argument with supporting points. However, there is some lack of coherence in the progression of ideas, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion on the abstract nature of art abruptly transitions to academic writing demands. Additionally, the conclusion could have been more tightly linked to the preceding arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between ideas within paragraphs. Each paragraph should logically follow from the previous one, maintaining a clear and cohesive progression of thought. In the case of this essay, it would be beneficial to provide a clearer connection between the discussion on the abstract nature of art and its relevance to the argument against compulsory art subjects.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic and contains a clear topic sentence. However, the length of some paragraphs could be optimized for better readability and coherence. For instance, the second paragraph contains several points that could have been separated into distinct paragraphs for clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise and focused paragraphs. Break down complex ideas into smaller, more manageable chunks to improve clarity and coherence. In this essay, consider splitting the second paragraph into multiple paragraphs to better organize the discussion on different aspects of art and academic writing.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a moderate range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "Firstly" and "Another point to consider," which help signal shifts between arguments. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay. Additionally, some transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond simple transitional phrases to include a variety of cohesive markers such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs. Additionally, pay attention to the flow between sentences and paragraphs, ensuring that each idea is seamlessly connected to the next. Practice integrating cohesive devices more naturally to improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms relevant to the topic such as "academic performance," "art-related subjects," and "obligation." However, there is room for improvement in showcasing a broader spectrum of vocabulary. For instance, while discussing the benefits of art, the essay could incorporate more varied synonyms for "beneficial" or "advantageous."
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition and enrich the vocabulary. Utilize a thesaurus to explore alternative terms and phrases that convey similar meanings effectively. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "beneficial," consider using words like "advantageous," "valuable," or "beneficent" to add nuance to your arguments.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of precision in vocabulary usage. There are instances where precise vocabulary is employed effectively, such as when discussing the abstract nature of art and the necessity for precision in academic writing. However, there are also areas where vocabulary could be more precise, such as using more specific terms instead of general ones, like "special using-word methods" which could be replaced with terms like "techniques" or "methods of expression."
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary, strive to use more specific and targeted terminology that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Avoid vague or ambiguous language by opting for terms that precisely articulate your ideas. Additionally, ensure that the vocabulary chosen aligns closely with the context of the discussion, enhancing clarity and coherence in your arguments.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates adequate spelling accuracy. However, there are several instances of spelling errors and typographical mistakes throughout the essay, such as "madatorily" instead of "mandatorily," "performances" instead of "performance," and "obligation" instead of "obligatory." While these errors do not significantly detract from the readability of the essay, enhancing spelling accuracy would improve the overall presentation and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing spelling and grammar checkers, proofreading your work thoroughly, and paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, familiarize yourself with spelling rules and patterns, and practice spelling words correctly to reinforce accuracy in written communication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further. There is a notable use of complex sentences in the second paragraph, where the writer discusses the abstract nature of art subjects. However, some sentences tend to be repetitive or lack complexity, which could enhance the overall flow and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as relative clauses, conditional sentences, and participial phrases. This can be achieved by varying sentence length and structure within paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas and adding depth to the analysis. Additionally, aim to avoid repetitive sentence structures by using transitional phrases and conjunctions to connect ideas more fluidly.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("secondary school students should be madatorily taught") and tense consistency ("it is arguable that acquiring art skills may not always be beneficial"). Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing or incorrect word choices.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise sentences for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to identify recurring grammatical issues and focus on addressing them systematically. Practicing grammar exercises and reading extensively can also enhance grammatical proficiency and punctuation skills over time.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some educationalists argue that non-exam subjects, such as music, drama, art, and craft, should be mandatory in the secondary school curriculum, believing that these activities can enhance overall academic performance. However, I strongly disagree with this proposition.
Firstly, most subjects related to the arts, such as singing, dancing, and drawing, tend to be inherently abstract and challenging to grasp. Artists often prioritize expressing emotions over adhering to strict linguistic conventions. Consequently, in artistic endeavors, various unconventional methods of expression are employed, and even errors are valued as a means of conveying metaphorical meaning to evoke emotions in audiences. Conversely, academic writing requires precise language usage to accurately convey information, owing to its scientific nature.
Furthermore, it is debatable whether acquiring art skills will always prove advantageous in future pursuits. Only a subset of secondary students possesses a genuine passion and talent for art-related subjects and can effectively utilize these skills to enhance their performances. Additionally, students have diverse interests and strengths, making the imposition of specialized subjects as mandatory coursework inappropriate and potentially burdensome for those who lack interest. Currently, many EU countries offer selective art programs tailored to individual students’ hobbies and interests.
In conclusion, while some advocate for the inclusion of non-exam subjects to improve academic performance, I believe that making specialized subjects mandatory may not be conducive to the majority of secondary school students. Therefore, compelling them to study such subjects could prove counterproductive to their overall academic development.
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