Some educationalists believe that international student exchange visits are good for all teenagers. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
On school of thought holds that oversea exchange visits can bring more benefits for students. While this has admittedly certain drawbacks, I would argue that the benefits are far weightier.
On the one hand, the disadvantages of this visits are clearly pronounced. One prominent minus is that the cost of conducting this scheme seems to be tremendous, which can lead to the national coffer to fail to back it, consequently, the families have to bear all the costs which may put strain on their finance. If this happened, those coming from disadvantages families cannot stand a chance to participate in the project, which in turn can create discrimination between underprivileged children and their wealthier peers. Aside from financial barriers, the children can be adversely affected. To elaborate, they can lack both supervision and discipline since they are more likely to not receive their parental guidance. Consequently, they tend to indulge themselves in distractions such as parties, which can make them not pay more attention on their school-work, further taking a heavy toll on their academic performance. Considering these reasons, worldwile visits can bring about more negative feature.
On the other hand, I am convinced that the aforementioned drawbacks pale in significance when compared to the glaring benefits of international visits. One major plus is that children visiting exchange scheme possibly improve their confidence. This is simply because they tend to live and survive in an unfamiliar setting and exotic surrroundings, which can result in communication with strangers on a daily basis, they therefore become more of an independent thinker when they finish their studies and enter the job market. This is compounded by fact that they can improve their foreign language skills through daily conversations, which can result in employment opportunities since billingual workers can be an asset in the company.
In conclusion, it seems to me that children can reap numerous rewards from development on their characteristics as well as standing a better chance for employment when they visit in international exchange programs.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"On school of thought" -> "One school of thought"
Explanation: Adding "One" before "school of thought" improves the sentence’s grammatical structure and aligns with formal language conventions.
"oversea exchange visits" -> "overseas exchange programs"
Explanation: Changing "oversea" to "overseas" and "visits" to "programs" provides a more accurate and formal description of international educational exchanges.
"far weightier" -> "more significant"
Explanation: Substituting "far weightier" with "more significant" maintains the intended meaning while employing a more formal and precise term.
"disadvantages of this visits" -> "drawbacks of these visits"
Explanation: Correcting the plural form of "visits" to "these visits" ensures grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"tremendous, which can lead to the national coffer to fail" -> "tremendous, potentially leading to a strain on the national budget"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "coffer" with "budget" enhances formality.
"consequently, the families have to bear all the costs" -> "consequently, families may bear the entire financial burden"
Explanation: Substituting "have to" with "may" and rephrasing the sentence improves formality and precision.
"which in turn can create discrimination between underprivileged children and their wealthier peers" -> "resulting in potential discrimination between underprivileged children and their more affluent peers"
Explanation: Enhancing the expression for a more formal and detailed representation of the idea.
"children can be adversely affected" -> "children may be negatively impacted"
Explanation: Using "may be" instead of "can be" and replacing "adversely affected" with "negatively impacted" adds a more cautious and formal tone.
"they can lack both supervision and discipline since they are more likely to not receive their parental guidance" -> "they may experience a lack of supervision and discipline, as they are less likely to receive parental guidance"
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and formality, using "may" for a more cautious tone.
"worldwile visits" -> "worldwide visits"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling from "worldwile" to "worldwide" ensures accuracy and formality.
"the aforementioned drawbacks pale in significance" -> "the aforementioned drawbacks are outweighed"
Explanation: Replacing "pale in significance" with "are outweighed" maintains formality and precision.
"children visiting exchange scheme" -> "children participating in exchange programs"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "participating in exchange programs" provides a more accurate description.
"possibly improve their confidence" -> "potentially enhance their confidence"
Explanation: Substituting "possibly improve" with "potentially enhance" for a more formal and precise expression.
"exotic surrroundings" -> "exotic surroundings"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling from "surrroundings" to "surroundings" ensures accuracy.
"they therefore become more of an independent thinker" -> "they consequently develop into more independent thinkers"
Explanation: Restructuring for clarity and formality.
"compounded by fact" -> "compounded by the fact"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "fact" improves grammatical accuracy.
"billingual workers" -> "bilingual workers"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling from "billingual" to "bilingual" ensures accuracy.
"rewards from development on their characteristics" -> "benefits from the development of their characteristics"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrase for grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"standing a better chance for employment" -> "having an improved chance of employment"
Explanation: Replacing "standing a better chance for" with "having an improved chance of" for a more formal expression.
"when they visit in international exchange programs" -> "when they participate in international exchange programs"
Explanation: Changing "visit in" to "participate in" for a more accurate description of involvement in international exchange programs.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "While this has admittedly certain drawbacks, I would argue that the benefits are far weightier."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets a balanced tone acknowledging drawbacks but strongly favoring benefits. To enhance clarity, consider briefly outlining the specific drawbacks and benefits you’ll discuss in the subsequent paragraphs. This helps the reader anticipate the content and structure of your essay, ensuring a clear and organized argument.
- Improved example: "While international exchange programs indeed present certain drawbacks, such as financial strains and lack of supervision, I firmly advocate that the benefits, such as enhanced independence and improved language skills, outweigh these drawbacks. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into these points to support my argument."
Quoted text: "One prominent minus is that the cost of conducting this scheme seems to be tremendous, which can lead to the national coffer to fail to back it, consequently, the families have to bear all the costs which may put strain on their finance."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: You’ve highlighted the financial strain on families due to the cost of exchange programs. To improve, consider providing a specific example or scenario illustrating how this financial strain impacts families. Additionally, explore another drawback briefly to offer a more comprehensive understanding of the disadvantages.
- Improved example: "For instance, the significant financial burden on families participating in these exchange programs might force them to compromise on essential needs, such as education or healthcare. Moreover, besides financial concerns, the cultural shock experienced by teenagers in a foreign environment could also be considered a drawback. These aspects need addressing to present a well-rounded analysis of the downsides."
Quoted text: "they can lack both supervision and discipline since they are more likely to not receive their parental guidance."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you’ve mentioned the lack of supervision, further development is needed here. Elaborate on how this lack of guidance impacts teenagers during their exchange visits. Consider providing a hypothetical situation or personal anecdote that exemplifies this lack of supervision and its potential consequences on teenagers’ behavior.
- Improved example: "The absence of parental guidance might lead teenagers to make impulsive decisions without considering the consequences. For instance, without proper supervision, a student may neglect studies or engage in risky behavior, impacting not only their academic performance but also their overall well-being."
Overall, the essay presents both sides of the argument but lacks depth in the exploration of disadvantages. To improve, provide more detailed examples and explore multiple facets of both advantages and disadvantages, ensuring a balanced and thorough analysis.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
The essay demonstrates some organization, with an attempt at introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, coherence and cohesion issues are notable throughout. There is a lack of overall progression, causing the essay to feel disjointed. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical structure and coherence. Additionally, there are problems with cohesion, as the connections between sentences and ideas are often unclear. Repetition and inadequate use of cohesive devices hinder the flow and logical progression of the essay.
The introduction briefly outlines both sides but lacks clarity and structure. Paragraphs lack unity, and ideas within them seem disconnected. The transitions between sentences and ideas are weak, causing the essay to feel disorganized and difficult to follow. Furthermore, referencing and substitution are inadequate, contributing to repetitive language and unclear connections between ideas.
Despite attempting to present advantages and disadvantages of international exchange visits, the essay suffers from a lack of depth and development in its arguments. Ideas are presented but not expanded upon sufficiently, leading to a superficial treatment of the topic.
How to Improve:
Structural Coherence: Start with a clear introduction outlining the essay’s direction, followed by well-organized body paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
Logical Progression: Ensure a logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas and facilitate smooth transitions.
Cohesive Devices: Use a variety of cohesive devices (such as pronouns, linking words, synonyms) appropriately to create coherence between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive language and work on clear referencing and substitution of ideas.
Depth and Development: Elaborate more on the advantages and disadvantages, providing specific examples and explanations to support arguments.
Language Use: Work on grammar and vocabulary for better precision and coherence. Avoid overly complex sentence structures that might hinder clarity.
By addressing these points, the essay can significantly improve its coherence and cohesion, making it more structured, logical, and easier to follow.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficiently wide range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the writer shows awareness of style and collocation. While occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, they do not significantly impede communication.
The essay effectively discusses both advantages and disadvantages of international student exchange visits. It explores financial barriers and potential negative impacts on students in the disadvantages section, showcasing an adequate range of vocabulary. However, there are instances of minor errors, such as "worldwile" instead of "worldwide" and "surroundings" misspelled as "surrroundings."
On the positive side, the essay successfully highlights the benefits, using varied vocabulary to discuss confidence building, independence, and language skills. The writer attempts to convey precise meanings, employing less common vocabulary items like "glaring benefits" and "exotic surroundings." Nevertheless, occasional inaccuracies, such as "billingual" instead of "bilingual," slightly affect the lexical accuracy.
How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score, focus on refining word choice and eliminating minor errors. Pay careful attention to spelling and word formation. Additionally, continue to incorporate a wide range of vocabulary, maintaining a balance between common and less common lexical items. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and correct any errors, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, contributing to a reasonable variety in language use. While there are instances of errors in grammar and punctuation, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey ideas effectively but could benefit from greater precision in language use and more accurate expression.
How to improve:
Grammar and Punctuation Precision: Pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation errors that need correction. Proofreading can help identify and rectify such issues.
Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that ideas are presented in a clear and coherent manner. Some sentences are complex but lack clarity, affecting the overall flow of the essay. Revise sentences for clarity, avoiding unnecessary complexity.
Vocabulary Choice: Aim for a more varied and precise choice of vocabulary. Some words and phrases are repeated, and the vocabulary could be elevated to enhance the overall quality of expression.
Paragraph Structure: Consider refining paragraph structure for better organization. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect, and ideas should be logically connected. This will contribute to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
There’s a school of thought suggesting that overseas exchange visits offer substantial benefits for students, despite certain drawbacks. While acknowledging these drawbacks, I firmly believe that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.
To begin with the negatives, one evident downside is the considerable cost involved in organizing these visits. This financial burden could strain national funds, potentially leaving families to cover all expenses. Consequently, this might prevent disadvantaged families from participating, creating a disparity between underprivileged children and their wealthier peers. Additionally, without parental guidance, students might lack supervision and discipline, leading to distractions like parties, ultimately impacting their academic performance. Considering these reasons, international visits may present notable challenges.
However, these drawbacks are overshadowed by the considerable benefits. One significant advantage is the boost in confidence among students engaging in exchange programs. Living in unfamiliar surroundings and communicating with strangers regularly fosters independence, preparing them for future endeavors. Moreover, the daily use of a foreign language enhances their language skills, which can significantly enhance their employability, as bilingual workers are often valued in the job market.
In conclusion, despite potential challenges, international exchange programs offer numerous rewards. They contribute to the development of students’ character and significantly improve their prospects for future employment.