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Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens any more satisfied. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens any more satisfied. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The topic of the economy has sparked heated controversy worldwide in recent decades and arguments from specialists that an increase in revenue or money can not make any more satisfaction for developed country residents. While I agree that this extra income will not please the citizens, I do believe that they still need the additional increase in economic wealth.
On the one hand, the enhancement in personal assets could not make individuals satisfied. Initially, residents in a fully developed country are able to pay for their costly expenditures to completely fulfill all their needs or desires. Improving economic wealth would lead to strain among individuals instead of satisfaction as a result of having to look after their assets. For instance, whenever they go on a business trip or a vacation, they could not totally concentrate on their work or relaxation as a result of spontaneous anxiety about their assets. Furthermore, in economic inflation money losing its value could be worth considering the consequences. The economic status of a completely developed country could downturn in the blink of an eye due to the adverse impacts, which is led by those ramifications.
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that extra revenue would enhance the satisfy rate among the inhabitants due to several reasons. Most importantly, on account of inhabitants' lust, money seems to be never enough for each individual. To be more specific, the more they could achieve, the more they would expend for their personal interests and fulfillment. Moreover, rich countries do not mean that they could be sustainable in some predicted global economic downturn. For instance, when there are deforestation or forest fires occur in some countries, an additional increase in the economic could help them to bring back the biodiversity on land or marine life and recover the ecosystems. As a result, increases in economic assets would ensure backup money to revive the economy or be affordable for emergencies.
In conclusion, I partly approve that extra income would not cause any more satisfaction among the residents because instead of leading to pleased, it would increase the anxiety among the people and the economic inflation. However, I do believe that such a rise in economic assets would enhance one’s fulfillment and make backup money for urgent matters.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "make any more satisfaction" -> "yield any additional satisfaction"
    Explanation: Replacing "make any more satisfaction" with "yield any additional satisfaction" provides a more formal expression, emphasizing the production or generation of satisfaction.

  2. "they still need the additional increase" -> "there is still a need for further economic growth"
    Explanation: Substituting "they still need the additional increase" with "there is still a need for further economic growth" maintains formality while clarifying that the requirement is for broader economic development.

  3. "enhancement in personal assets" -> "increase in personal wealth"
    Explanation: Changing "enhancement in personal assets" to "increase in personal wealth" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts, avoiding potential ambiguity.

  4. "fully developed country" -> "developed nation"
    Explanation: Replacing "fully developed country" with "developed nation" is a more standard and concise term in academic writing.

  5. "to completely fulfill all their needs or desires" -> "to meet all of their needs and desires"
    Explanation: Substituting "to completely fulfill all their needs or desires" with "to meet all of their needs and desires" enhances formality and clarity without sacrificing natural language flow.

  6. "strain among individuals" -> "stress among individuals"
    Explanation: Changing "strain among individuals" to "stress among individuals" maintains formality and is a more common expression in academic writing.

  7. "they could not totally concentrate on their work or relaxation" -> "they may struggle to fully concentrate on their work or relaxation"
    Explanation: Replacing "they could not totally concentrate on their work or relaxation" with "they may struggle to fully concentrate on their work or relaxation" adds nuance and emphasizes the potential difficulty, improving precision.

  8. "spontaneous anxiety about their assets" -> "unforeseen anxiety regarding their assets"
    Explanation: Substituting "spontaneous anxiety about their assets" with "unforeseen anxiety regarding their assets" maintains a formal tone while specifying that the anxiety is unexpected or unplanned.

  9. "money losing its value could be worth considering" -> "the depreciation of currency is a factor worth considering"
    Explanation: Changing "money losing its value could be worth considering" to "the depreciation of currency is a factor worth considering" provides a more precise and formal expression, specifying the economic concern.

  10. "downturn in the blink of an eye" -> "rapid downturn"
    Explanation: Replacing "downturn in the blink of an eye" with "rapid downturn" maintains conciseness and formality, conveying the suddenness of the economic decline more directly.

  11. "led by those ramifications" -> "resulting from such consequences"
    Explanation: Changing "led by those ramifications" to "resulting from such consequences" provides a clearer and more formal link between the downturn and its causes.

  12. "I am of the opinion that" -> "I believe that"
    Explanation: Simplifying "I am of the opinion that" to "I believe that" retains formality while streamlining the expression.

  13. "satisfy rate" -> "satisfaction rate"
    Explanation: Substituting "satisfy rate" with "satisfaction rate" is a more conventional and precise term in academic writing.

  14. "on account of inhabitants’ lust" -> "due to the desires of the population"
    Explanation: Replacing "on account of inhabitants’ lust" with "due to the desires of the population" maintains formality and avoids a potentially informal connotation.

  15. "money seems to be never enough" -> "financial resources appear insufficient"
    Explanation: Changing "money seems to be never enough" to "financial resources appear insufficient" provides a more formal and nuanced expression.

  16. "the more they could achieve" -> "as they achieve more"
    Explanation: Substituting "the more they could achieve" with "as they achieve more" improves the flow and formality of the sentence.

  17. "they would expend for their personal interests" -> "they would allocate for their personal interests"
    Explanation: Replacing "they would expend for their personal interests" with "they would allocate for their personal interests" maintains a formal tone and emphasizes the intentional distribution of resources.

  18. "deforestation or forest fires occur" -> "instances of deforestation or forest fires"
    Explanation: Changing "deforestation or forest fires occur" to "instances of deforestation or forest fires" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  19. "additional increase in the economic" -> "further economic growth"
    Explanation: Substituting "additional increase in the economic" with "further economic growth" maintains clarity and avoids redundancy.

  20. "ensure backup money" -> "provide a financial backup"
    Explanation: Replacing "ensure backup money" with "provide a financial backup" conveys the idea more formally and explicitly.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "While I agree that this extra income will not please the citizens, I do believe that they still need the additional increase in economic wealth."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is somewhat unclear in presenting your stance. The first part suggests agreement with the idea that extra income won’t bring satisfaction, but the second part contradicts by stating the need for additional economic wealth. To improve clarity, consider rephrasing to clearly establish your position. For instance, "While some argue that increased income won’t necessarily bring satisfaction, I contend that additional economic wealth remains essential for various reasons."
    • Improved example: "While some argue that increased income won’t necessarily bring satisfaction, I contend that additional economic wealth remains essential for various reasons. Now, let’s delve into the nuances of this perspective."
  2. Quoted text: "Improving economic wealth would lead to strain among individuals instead of satisfaction as a result of having to look after their assets."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about the potential strain on individuals is valid, but it lacks depth. To improve, provide specific examples or scenarios where the burden of managing increased wealth negatively affects people’s satisfaction. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
    • Improved example: "Improving economic wealth would indeed lead to strain among individuals. For example, the sudden influx of assets may necessitate complex financial management, leading to increased stress. Moreover, individuals might find themselves preoccupied with safeguarding their wealth, diverting attention from pursuits that bring genuine satisfaction, such as personal relationships or leisure activities."
  3. Quoted text: "Furthermore, in economic inflation money losing its value could be worth considering the consequences."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This sentence is unclear and lacks coherence. It seems to touch upon economic inflation, but the connection to the main argument is not explicit. To enhance clarity, elaborate on how economic inflation, and the potential devaluation of money, is relevant to the citizens’ satisfaction or dissatisfaction.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, considering the consequences of economic inflation, where the value of money may decline, it becomes crucial to assess how this phenomenon contributes to the overall dissatisfaction of citizens. The potential devaluation of currency can have profound impacts on individuals’ purchasing power and financial security, influencing their satisfaction levels."

Overall, while your essay addresses the task and presents a relevant position, there is a need for clearer articulation of your stance in the introduction, along with more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The logical organization of ideas is generally clear, and there is an overall progression in the response. The essay effectively uses cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there are instances where cohesion may be somewhat faulty or mechanical, and some ideas could be more clearly linked. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some transitions between paragraphs are abrupt.

How to improve:

  1. Logical Flow within Paragraphs: Ensure a smoother flow within paragraphs by carefully transitioning between ideas. This can be achieved by using more varied and precise cohesive devices.

  2. Paragraph Structure: Review paragraphing to ensure a more logical structure. Each paragraph should focus on a clear central topic, and transitions between paragraphs should be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.

  3. Clarify Relationships Between Ideas: Strengthen the clarity of relationships between ideas. While the essay presents a range of cohesive devices, there are instances where the connection between sentences could be more explicit for improved cohesion.

By addressing these aspects, the essay can further enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, attempting to use less common vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation that affect the overall fluency and precision. Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not impede communication significantly. The essay addresses the prompt with a balanced argument but lacks depth in exploring the complexities of the issue.
How to improve: Focus on refining word choice and collocation to enhance precision. Pay attention to spelling and word formation to minimize errors. Additionally, strive for a more in-depth exploration of arguments, providing nuanced examples and elaborating on the potential consequences of economic wealth.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. While there is an attempt to use complex sentences, some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing reduce the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. There are instances of sentence fragments and unclear pronoun references. The essay also contains some punctuation errors, affecting the flow of ideas. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:

  1. Focus on sentence structure: Aim for greater clarity and precision in expressing ideas. Ensure that complex sentences are well-constructed to avoid confusion.
  2. Review pronoun references: Clarify and specify pronoun references to eliminate ambiguity and improve coherence.
  3. Pay attention to punctuation: Address punctuation errors, such as missing commas and improper use of conjunctions, to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
  4. Proofread for sentence fragments: Ensure that each sentence is complete and conveys a clear meaning to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The topic of the economy has sparked heated controversy worldwide in recent decades, with specialists arguing that an increase in revenue or money cannot necessarily enhance the satisfaction of residents in developed countries. While I agree that this extra income may not directly contribute to citizens’ satisfaction, I do believe that there is still a need for additional economic wealth.

On one hand, the improvement in personal assets may not necessarily lead to satisfaction. Initially, residents in fully developed countries can already afford their costly expenditures, meeting all their needs and desires. An increase in economic wealth might create stress among individuals instead of satisfaction, as they would need to manage and safeguard their assets. For example, during business trips or vacations, individuals might find it challenging to concentrate on work or relaxation due to spontaneous anxiety about their assets. Additionally, the potential devaluation of money during economic inflation is worth considering. The economic status of a fully developed country could decline rapidly due to adverse impacts, compounding the challenges faced by its residents.

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that extra revenue could contribute to an increased satisfaction rate among the inhabitants for several reasons. Most importantly, due to individuals’ desire for more, money often seems insufficient for personal interests and fulfillment. The more they could attain, the more they might spend on their pursuits. Moreover, being economically affluent does not guarantee sustainability during global economic downturns or unforeseen events. For instance, in the face of deforestation or forest fires in some countries, an additional increase in economic resources could aid in restoring biodiversity on land or in marine life, helping to recover ecosystems. Consequently, an increase in economic assets could serve as a financial backup to revive the economy or address emergencies.

In conclusion, I partially agree that extra income may not directly lead to increased satisfaction among residents, as it could potentially elevate anxiety and be affected by economic inflation. However, I do believe that a rise in economic assets could enhance one’s fulfillment and serve as backup funds for unforeseen urgent matters.

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