Some high school graduates choose to go to work right after graduation. Is this a positive or negative development?

A significant number of high school graduates opt to enter the workforce immediately after graduation. From my perspective, determining whether this is beneficial or detrimental should depend on individual circumstances.
Admittedly, the decision to begin working immediately after high school is beneficial for graduates from low-income families. The young facing financial crises need to work to support themselves or their families during difficult times. Therefore, the immediate income can provide essential financial relief, cover basic living expenses, and eliminate student debt. For example, Emily, an American student from a low-income family with a poor credit history, minimizes her reliance on loans and stays away from abusing mortgages accompanied by high-interest rate by working after high school. Additionally, starting work early allows students who are unsure of their educational paths to determine whether they should continue their education or not.
Conversely, starting work right after graduation has an unfavorable impact on almost every graduate due to the limited potential for career advancement. Many high-paying and rewarding jobs require advanced degrees or specialized training typically acquired by going to college. Thus, without further education, these individuals are likely to remain in low-wage positions with few opportunities for growth. For instance, earning a degree in Computer Science can lead to high-demand careers in software development, cybersecurity, and data analysis. Besides, the tech industry offers competitive salaries and numerous opportunities for advancement. Moreover, most professional environments provide a unique setting for developing critical thinking, communication skills, and a broader worldview.
In conclusion, while working right after high school can be advantageous in specific situations, such as for graduates from poor families, I strongly believe that the negative aspects of this trend predominate due to restricted career growth and social impacts on almost every individual. Thus, rather than entering the workforce at short notice, high school graduates should pursue university education to build a strong foundation for future success

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"opt to enter the workforce" -> "choose to enter the workforce"
Explanation: "Opt" can be seen as slightly informal in this context. "Choose" is more straightforward and commonly used in formal academic writing.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From my perspective" can sound slightly informal and personal. "In my view" is a more formal expression commonly used in academic writing.
"determining whether this is beneficial or detrimental" -> "assessing the benefits and drawbacks"
Explanation: "Determining whether this is beneficial or detrimental" is a bit verbose and informal. "Assessing the benefits and drawbacks" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"The young facing financial crises" -> "Young individuals facing financial crises"
Explanation: "The young" is vague and informal. "Young individuals" is more precise and formal.
"need to work to support themselves or their families" -> "must work to support themselves or their families"
Explanation: "Need" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Must" is more forceful and appropriate for formal writing.
"minimizes her reliance on loans" -> "reduces her reliance on loans"
Explanation: "Minimizes" is correct but "reduces" is more commonly used in formal academic texts to describe decreasing reliance.
"stays away from abusing mortgages" -> "avoids taking out high-interest mortgages"
Explanation: "Abusing mortgages" is incorrect and informal. "Taking out high-interest mortgages" is accurate and formal.
"starting work early allows students who are unsure of their educational paths" -> "commencing work early enables students uncertain about their educational paths"
Explanation: "Starting work early" is informal; "commencing work early" is more formal. "Uncertain" is also more precise than "unsure."
"has an unfavorable impact" -> "has adverse effects"
Explanation: "Has an unfavorable impact" is slightly informal and vague. "Has adverse effects" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing.
"almost every graduate" -> "most graduates"
Explanation: "Almost every" is redundant and informal. "Most" is succinct and appropriate for formal writing.
"few opportunities for growth" -> "limited opportunities for advancement"
Explanation: "Few opportunities for growth" is informal and vague. "Limited opportunities for advancement" is more specific and formal.
"Besides, the tech industry offers" -> "Furthermore, the tech industry offers"
Explanation: "Besides" is informal and conversational. "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing.
"a unique setting for developing" -> "a unique environment for developing"
Explanation: "Setting" is less formal than "environment," which is commonly used in academic contexts to describe professional or educational situations.
"strongly believe" -> "firmly believe"
Explanation: "Strongly" is slightly informal; "firmly" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"entering the workforce at short notice" -> "entering the workforce immediately"
Explanation: "At short notice" is informal and less precise. "Immediately" is straightforward and commonly used in formal contexts.

These changes enhance the formality and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of high school graduates entering the workforce immediately. The author presents a nuanced view, acknowledging that the benefits may vary based on individual circumstances, particularly for low-income graduates. This balanced approach demonstrates an understanding of the complexities involved in the decision-making process. However, while the essay mentions both sides, it could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the broader implications of this trend on society as a whole.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include more examples or statistics that illustrate the long-term effects on graduates who choose to work immediately versus those who pursue further education. Additionally, discussing how this trend affects the economy or job market could provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that, while there are benefits to entering the workforce immediately, the negative consequences outweigh these benefits. This stance is articulated well in the conclusion, where the author reiterates their belief in the importance of pursuing higher education. However, the transition between discussing the positive and negative aspects could be smoother to reinforce the author’s position more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases to better connect the positive and negative points. For example, explicitly stating "Despite these benefits, the drawbacks are significant" before transitioning to the negative aspects could strengthen the coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of the negative impacts of immediate employment on career advancement. The use of specific examples, such as the potential careers in Computer Science, effectively illustrates the argument. However, the positive aspects could be further developed, as the example of Emily, while relevant, feels somewhat isolated and could be expanded to include more detail or additional examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples for both sides of the argument. For instance, elaborating on how early work experience can lead to skills development or networking opportunities would strengthen the positive argument. Additionally, integrating more statistical data or studies could provide a more robust foundation for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the implications of high school graduates entering the workforce. The author does not deviate from the main question, which is commendable. However, there are moments where the discussion could benefit from a tighter focus on the specific question of whether this trend is positive or negative, particularly in the elaboration of ideas.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the central question of whether entering the workforce immediately is a positive or negative development. This could involve explicitly linking each argument back to the prompt, ensuring that the reader understands how each point contributes to the overall analysis of the trend.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in the areas of example development, clarity of transitions, and tighter focus on the prompt, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by stating the topic and the writer’s perspective. The body paragraphs are organized thematically, with one focusing on the benefits of immediate employment and the other on its drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," to signal a shift in perspective more clearly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from more internal structure; while it discusses the drawbacks of immediate employment, it presents multiple points without clear delineation between them.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the limitations of career advancement and another discussing the development of skills and experiences. This will allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and improve the overall clarity of the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively, using words like "admittedly," "conversely," and "moreover" to connect ideas. These devices help to guide the reader through the argument and clarify relationships between points. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the flow of ideas could be enhanced.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate additional linking words and phrases such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "for instance" to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a broader range of vocabulary and grammatical structures, which can positively impact the overall coherence and cohesion score.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement. By enhancing logical flow with clearer transitions, refining paragraph structure for better clarity, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "financial crises," "essential financial relief," "career advancement," and "critical thinking." These phrases effectively convey complex ideas and show an understanding of the topic. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "working" and "graduates" could be replaced with synonyms like "employment" or "alumni" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. This could involve using a thesaurus to find alternatives for commonly used words and phrases. Additionally, including idiomatic expressions or more advanced vocabulary could further enrich the text.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "abusing mortgages" is somewhat misleading; "mismanaging" or "misusing" would be more appropriate in this context. Additionally, the term "high-paying and rewarding jobs" could be more specific by indicating what types of jobs are being referred to, rather than using broad descriptors.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the specific meanings of words and choose those that best fit the context. This can be achieved by considering the nuances of words and selecting terms that convey the intended message more accurately. Practicing with context-based vocabulary exercises can also help in this regard.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a strong command of spelling, with no noticeable errors. Words like "immediately," "financial," and "opportunities" are spelled correctly, reflecting a good level of proficiency in this area.
- How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular writing practice can also help reinforce correct spelling habits. Additionally, keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. By focusing on expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, the phrase "determining whether this is beneficial or detrimental should depend on individual circumstances" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a nuanced argument. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the young facing financial crises" and "many high-paying and rewarding jobs require advanced degrees" reflects a solid command of noun phrases and relative clauses. However, some sentences could be more varied in their construction. For example, the sentence "Conversely, starting work right after graduation has an unfavorable impact on almost every graduate due to the limited potential for career advancement" could be restructured for greater impact.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as participial phrases or adverbial clauses. For example, instead of starting with "Conversely," you might begin with "On the other hand," or use a participial phrase like "Having considered the benefits, it is essential to address the drawbacks." Additionally, mixing shorter sentences with longer, more complex ones can enhance the rhythm and flow of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with few errors. For instance, the use of commas is mostly accurate, as seen in the phrase "the immediate income can provide essential financial relief, cover basic living expenses, and eliminate student debt." However, there are instances where punctuation could be improved for clarity. For example, the sentence "Emily, an American student from a low-income family with a poor credit history, minimizes her reliance on loans and stays away from abusing mortgages accompanied by high-interest rate by working after high school" is quite lengthy and could benefit from additional punctuation to separate ideas more clearly. Furthermore, "high-interest rate" should be pluralized to "high-interest rates" for grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to sentence length and complexity. Break down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones where possible, and ensure that each clause is properly punctuated. Additionally, review subject-verb agreement and noun plurality, especially in complex sentences. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also help identify and correct recurring errors.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the overall quality of the essay can be elevated, potentially leading to a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

A significant number of high school graduates opt to enter the workforce immediately after graduation. In my view, determining whether this is beneficial or detrimental should depend on individual circumstances.

Admittedly, the decision to begin working immediately after high school is beneficial for graduates from low-income families. Young individuals facing financial crises need to work to support themselves or their families during difficult times. Therefore, the immediate income can provide essential financial relief, cover basic living expenses, and eliminate student debt. For example, Emily, an American student from a low-income family with a poor credit history, reduces her reliance on loans and avoids taking out high-interest mortgages by working after high school. Additionally, commencing work early enables students uncertain about their educational paths to determine whether they should continue their education or not.

Conversely, starting work right after graduation has adverse effects on almost every graduate due to the limited opportunities for advancement. Many high-paying and rewarding jobs require advanced degrees or specialized training typically acquired by going to college. Thus, without further education, these individuals are likely to remain in low-wage positions with few opportunities for growth. For instance, earning a degree in Computer Science can lead to high-demand careers in software development, cybersecurity, and data analysis. Furthermore, the tech industry offers competitive salaries and numerous opportunities for advancement. Moreover, most professional environments provide a unique setting for developing critical thinking, communication skills, and a broader worldview.

In conclusion, while working right after high school can be advantageous in specific situations, such as for graduates from poor families, I firmly believe that the negative aspects of this trend predominate due to restricted career growth and social impacts on almost every individual. Thus, rather than entering the workforce immediately, high school graduates should pursue university education to build a strong foundation for future success.