some individuals believe that the Employers should have permission to have at least one month off to encourage them to work more effectively at workplace.
some individuals believe that the Employers should have permission to have at least one month off to encourage them to work more effectively at workplace.
In this contemporary day and age, the employee’s performance would largely affect the development of the company. Therefore, some individuals believe that the Employers should have permission to have at least one month off to encourage them to work more effectively at workplace. From my perspective, I totally disagree with this statement due to various reasons.
Apparently, allowing employees to have at least one month for holidays could be detrimental to the company's productivity. In fact, when employees are enjoying their long holidays which means that those companies are not operating during this period, other companies would unceasingly develop their products. As a result, giving long holidays to employees would be counterproductive as returning to work can align with potentially falling behind other competitors
Irrefutably, giving employees a holiday for at least a month can act as a catalyst in significantly decreasing the company’s development. When all employees dedicate their time to engage in leisure activities instead of working to propose some innovative ideas, they can potentially be demotivated upon returning to work. Consequently, companies are likely to fall behind competitors who make the most of this time to create new products, which makes them lose their potential clients and reduce their revenues in the future.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"In this contemporary day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "In this contemporary day and age" is a bit verbose and informal. "In the contemporary era" is more concise and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing. -
"the employee’s performance would largely affect" -> "employee performance significantly impacts"
Explanation: "would largely affect" is somewhat vague and informal. "Significantly impacts" is more direct and precise, enhancing the academic tone. -
"the Employers should have permission to have at least one month off" -> "employers should be granted at least a month’s leave"
Explanation: "have permission to have" is redundant and informal. "be granted at least a month’s leave" is more concise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"to encourage them to work more effectively at workplace" -> "to enhance their productivity at the workplace"
Explanation: "work more effectively at workplace" is awkward and informal. "Enhance their productivity at the workplace" is more precise and formal, aligning with academic standards. -
"I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "totally" is informal and can be seen as overly emphatic. "Strongly" is a more appropriate level of emphasis for academic writing. -
"due to various reasons" -> "for several reasons"
Explanation: "due to various reasons" is a bit vague and informal. "For several reasons" is more direct and formal, suitable for academic discourse. -
"enjoying their long holidays which means that those companies are not operating during this period" -> "taking extended holidays, thereby rendering the companies inactive during this period"
Explanation: "enjoying their long holidays which means that" is verbose and informal. "Taking extended holidays, thereby rendering the companies inactive" is more concise and formal, improving clarity and precision. -
"unceasingly develop their products" -> "continuously develop their products"
Explanation: "unceasingly" is less common and can be misinterpreted. "Continuously" is a more standard term in academic writing, enhancing clarity and formality. -
"giving long holidays to employees would be counterproductive" -> "providing extended holidays to employees would be counterproductive"
Explanation: "giving long holidays" is informal and vague. "Providing extended holidays" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context. -
"act as a catalyst in significantly decreasing the company’s development" -> "serve as a catalyst in significantly hindering the company’s development"
Explanation: "act as a catalyst in significantly decreasing" is awkward and unclear. "Serve as a catalyst in significantly hindering" is more precise and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence. -
"dedicate their time to engage in leisure activities" -> "spend their time engaging in leisure activities"
Explanation: "dedicate their time to engage in" is redundant. "Spend their time engaging in" is more direct and avoids redundancy, enhancing the formal tone. -
"can potentially be demotivated" -> "may become demotivated"
Explanation: "can potentially be" is redundant. "May become" is more concise and maintains the formal tone required for academic writing. -
"companies are likely to fall behind competitors" -> "companies may lag behind their competitors"
Explanation: "are likely to fall behind competitors" is a bit informal and vague. "May lag behind their competitors" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"lose their potential clients" -> "lose potential clients"
Explanation: "lose their potential clients" is redundant. "Lose potential clients" is more direct and avoids unnecessary possessive form, aligning with formal writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding whether employers should allow employees to take a month off to enhance workplace effectiveness. However, it primarily focuses on the negative implications of such a policy without adequately exploring the potential benefits or addressing the full scope of the question. The introduction states a disagreement with the idea but does not clarify the reasoning behind this stance in a balanced manner. The essay lacks a comprehensive exploration of the topic, which is essential for a higher band score.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should consider both sides of the argument. Acknowledging the potential benefits of taking time off, such as improved morale or creativity, before countering these points with well-reasoned arguments would provide a more balanced response. Additionally, explicitly stating how the proposed month off could lead to better performance in some contexts would strengthen the overall argument.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the idea of a month off for employees, stating disagreement in the introduction. However, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The arguments presented are somewhat repetitive and lack depth, which can lead to confusion about the overall stance. For instance, the phrase "giving long holidays to employees would be counterproductive" is reiterated without further elaboration or supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph builds on the central argument with unique points and examples. Using topic sentences that clearly relate back to the thesis statement can help reinforce the position throughout the essay. Additionally, integrating counterarguments and addressing them can enhance the clarity of the writer’s stance.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. While the writer mentions that a month off could lead to decreased productivity and demotivation, these claims are not backed by specific examples or evidence. The essay would benefit from more detailed explanations and real-world examples to substantiate the claims made. For instance, citing studies or statistics about employee productivity and time off could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with relevant examples, data, or anecdotes. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear main idea followed by supporting details that illustrate and reinforce that idea. This approach not only enriches the content but also demonstrates critical thinking and analysis.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of allowing employees a month off. However, the lack of depth in discussing the topic leads to a somewhat superficial treatment of the subject. The writer occasionally drifts into general statements about productivity without tying them back to the specific context of the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing specific examples related to the workplace context can help keep the essay on track. Additionally, outlining the main points before writing can help ensure that all arguments are relevant and contribute to the overall discussion.
In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of the topic, maintain a clear and consistent position, develop and support ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea of allowing employees a month off, which is a strong starting point for logical organization. The introduction effectively sets the context and presents the writer’s position. However, the subsequent paragraphs could benefit from a more structured approach. For instance, while the first paragraph discusses the potential negative impact on productivity, the second paragraph reiterates this point but introduces the idea of employee demotivation without a clear transition. This could confuse readers as to how these points are distinctly related.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," or "In addition," can help connect ideas more smoothly. Structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a single aspect of the argument, and a conclusion summarizing the key points would also improve coherence.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the effectiveness of these paragraphs could be improved. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s viewpoint, while the second paragraph attempts to expand on the argument. However, the paragraphs lack sufficient depth and development, with the second paragraph feeling somewhat repetitive and not fully exploring the implications of the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea and provide supporting details or examples. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on productivity loss and the other on employee demotivation. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and provide a clearer structure for the reader to follow.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "in fact," and "consequently," which help to link ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the connections between sentences and ideas could be stronger. For example, the phrase "which means that" could be replaced with more varied expressions to enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "on the other hand," "as a result," and "for instance." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can create a smoother reading experience. Encouraging the use of more complex sentence structures can also enhance cohesion within paragraphs.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, with terms such as "detrimental," "catalyst," and "demotivated" showcasing some sophistication. However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "employees" and "companies," which could have been varied. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "employees," alternatives like "staff," "workforce," or "personnel" could enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid redundancy. Additionally, using more varied expressions to convey similar ideas can enrich the essay. For example, instead of saying "giving long holidays," one might say "granting extended leave" or "offering prolonged time off."
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used effectively, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the employee’s performance would largely affect the development of the company" could be more accurately expressed as "the performance of employees significantly impacts the company’s growth." The original phrasing is awkward and somewhat unclear, which detracts from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. It is advisable to review sentences for potential ambiguities and replace vague terms with more specific language. For instance, instead of "engaging in leisure activities," specifying the types of activities could provide clearer context and strengthen the argument.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with only minor errors present. However, there are instances where spelling could be improved, such as "Employers" (should be "employers" in the context used) and "workplace" (should be "the workplace" for grammatical correctness). These errors, while not numerous, can affect the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to catch any typographical errors or misused capitalizations. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling check tools can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Engaging in vocabulary-building activities that include spelling practice can also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "In this contemporary day and age" and "When all employees dedicate their time to engage in leisure activities" showcase the use of introductory phrases and subordinate clauses. However, the essay tends to rely on a few sentence patterns, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. The use of passive voice is limited, and there are few instances of more advanced structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clause placements.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences with multiple clauses. For example, using conditional structures like "If employees were given a month off, they might return less motivated" would add depth. Additionally, varying the placement of phrases and clauses can create more engaging sentence constructions. Experimenting with different sentence beginnings and integrating more passive constructions could also contribute to a richer grammatical range.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, with only a few errors that do not significantly hinder understanding. For example, the phrase "the employee’s performance would largely affect the development of the company" is grammatically correct, but the use of "the Employers" should be "employers" for consistency in capitalization. Additionally, the sentence "which means that those companies are not operating during this period" lacks clarity and could be misinterpreted; it would be clearer if rephrased. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but the use of commas could be improved for better clarity, especially in complex sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the proper use of articles. For instance, revising "the Employers" to "employers" and ensuring consistent capitalization throughout will enhance clarity. Furthermore, reviewing comma usage in complex sentences can help avoid run-on sentences and improve readability. Practicing sentence diagramming may also assist in identifying and correcting grammatical errors before finalizing the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their overall writing quality and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In this contemporary era, employee performance significantly impacts the development of a company. Therefore, some individuals believe that employers should be granted at least a month’s leave to encourage them to work more effectively at the workplace. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with this statement for several reasons.
Apparently, allowing employees to have at least one month off for holidays could be detrimental to the company’s productivity. In fact, when employees are enjoying their long holidays, it means that those companies are not operating during this period, while other companies continuously develop their products. As a result, providing extended holidays to employees would be counterproductive, as returning to work can align with potentially falling behind competitors.
Irrefutably, giving employees a holiday for at least a month can serve as a catalyst in significantly hindering the company’s development. When all employees spend their time engaging in leisure activities instead of working to propose innovative ideas, they may become demotivated upon returning to work. Consequently, companies are likely to lag behind competitors who make the most of this time to create new products, which may lead them to lose potential clients and reduce their revenues in the future.