Some people argue that the government should spend money only on medical care and education, but not on theatres or sports stadiums. Do you agree or disagree
Many claim that the high-ranking leaders ought to allocate a great deal of monetary policies to building facilities and amenities including education sectors in lieu of investments in recreational places. While I acknowledge the reason for this notion because of fostering economic growth, I would assert that the states also spend their money on entertainment buildings with the aim of ameliorating people’s psychological well-being
On the one hand, it is understandable why it is of paramount importance to pay attention to health by the government. The main reason behind this could be the development of the overall economic situation. With the aim of breaking the repetitive poverty and destitution circle, they should put erecting essential sectors that would definitely facilitate the establishment of positive interpersonal bonds between government and people, meaning that a multitude of individuals will live with the availability of affordable medical services and tuition. The implication of this does not only inspire the loyalty of residents, avoid brain-drain, but also drive citizens to take responsibility for making a contribution to developing the economy
On the other hand, I am convinced that the construction of recreational facilities is reasonable and favorable to residents. The primary concern is the amelioration of individuals' mental health. Given that a majority of people are inclined to keep themselves occupied with a huge amount of work with the hope of attaining major success, meaning that they frequently encounter a high level of pressure. This has led to a situation where the government has to pour money into building entertainment amenities. Considering these factors, the belief that theatres or sports stadiums should be considered to invest is valid
In conclusion, although there are justifications as to why the construction of schools and hospitals is of paramount significance for individuals owing to decreasing the rate of poverty, I would contend that amusement facilities are still wholly warranted because of their vital role in aiding people to release their minds after consecutive hours of work
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"ought to allocate" -> "should allocate"
Explanation: "Ought to" is somewhat formal but can be replaced with the more direct "should" for greater clarity and simplicity in academic writing.
"in lieu of" -> "instead of"
Explanation: "In lieu of" is a bit formal; "instead of" is a more straightforward alternative that aligns better with academic style.
"acknowledge the reason" -> "acknowledge the rationale"
Explanation: "Reason" is suitable, but "rationale" is a slightly more formal term, enhancing the academic tone.
"spend their money" -> "allocate their funds"
Explanation: "Spend their money" is a common phrase, but "allocate their funds" is a more formal expression often used in academic discourse.
"ameliorating" -> "improving"
Explanation: While "ameliorating" is correct, "improving" is a simpler and more widely used term in academic writing.
"paramount importance" -> "paramount significance"
Explanation: "Importance" is appropriate, but "significance" adds a touch of formality, contributing to the academic tone.
"put erecting" -> "focus on erecting"
Explanation: "Put erecting" is awkward phrasing. "Focus on erecting" is more concise and clearer.
"positive interpersonal bonds" -> "positive social bonds"
Explanation: While "interpersonal" is correct, "social" is more commonly used in academic writing, providing a simpler alternative.
"multitude of individuals" -> "numerous individuals"
Explanation: "Multitude" is a bit formal; "numerous" is a more straightforward term in academic writing.
"availability of affordable medical services and tuition" -> "access to affordable healthcare and education"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more concise while retaining the intended meaning.
"avoid brain-drain" -> "prevent talent migration"
Explanation: "Avoid brain-drain" is somewhat informal; "prevent talent migration" is a more formal expression in academic writing.
"drive citizens to take responsibility" -> "encourage citizens to assume responsibility"
Explanation: "Drive citizens" is a bit informal; "encourage citizens" is a more formal and precise choice.
"convinced" -> "contend"
Explanation: "Convinced" is more informal; "contend" adds a level of formality, aligning better with academic style.
"recreational facilities is reasonable" -> "investment in recreational facilities is justified"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and clearly expresses the idea of justification for investing in recreational facilities.
"amelioration" -> "improvement"
Explanation: "Amelioration" is a formal term, but "improvement" is a simpler and widely accepted alternative in academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "Many claim that the high-ranking leaders ought to allocate a great deal of monetary policies to building facilities and amenities including education sectors in lieu of investments in recreational places."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on the topic. While the notion is acknowledged, it would be more effective to explicitly state whether you agree or disagree with the idea of prioritizing spending on education and medical care over recreational places. This ensures that the reader understands your stance from the outset.
- Improved example: "While I understand the argument for allocating significant funds to essential sectors such as education and medical care rather than recreational places, I firmly believe that investments in entertainment facilities are also crucial for the well-being of the populace."
Quoted text: "With the aim of breaking the repetitive poverty and destitution circle, they should put erecting essential sectors that would definitely facilitate the establishment of positive interpersonal bonds between government and people, meaning that a multitude of individuals will live with the availability of affordable medical services and tuition."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument is somewhat convoluted, and the connection between breaking the cycle of poverty, positive interpersonal bonds, and affordable medical services and tuition is not clearly established. To improve, focus on developing a more straightforward and logically connected line of reasoning.
- Improved example: "To break the cycle of poverty, investing in essential sectors is crucial. This not only fosters positive bonds between the government and the people but also ensures the availability of affordable medical services and education, leading to overall societal improvement."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, I am convinced that the construction of recreational facilities is reasonable and favorable to residents."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The transition to the counter-argument is abrupt, and the writer’s stance on the issue could be better emphasized. A smoother transition and a clear articulation of your position would enhance the coherence of the essay.
- Improved example: "Contrary to the emphasis on essential sectors, I firmly advocate for the construction of recreational facilities. These not only contribute to the residents’ well-being but also play a vital role in enhancing their overall mental health."
Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task and presents a relevant position. However, improving the clarity of the writer’s stance, logical connections in the arguments, and smoother transitions between points would contribute to a more coherent and persuasive essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion at a Band 6 level. The organization of ideas is clear, and there is an overall progression in the response. The essay effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas, although there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and/or between sentences. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as there are some issues with the flow between paragraphs.
How to improve:
Refine Cohesive Devices: Pay careful attention to the use of cohesive devices to ensure they create a smooth flow between ideas. Review sentence-to-sentence and paragraph-to-paragraph transitions to eliminate any mechanical or faulty cohesion.
Logical Paragraphing: Work on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic, and the order of paragraphs contributes to a logical progression of ideas. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Sentence Structure: While the overall structure is coherent, consider varying sentence structures for added clarity and engagement. This can contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.
Consistency in Referencing: Ensure that referencing and substitution within the essay are consistent and clear. This will enhance the overall coherence by avoiding any potential confusion for the reader.
By addressing these aspects, the essay can move towards a higher band score by improving the clarity and smoothness of the presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. The writer successfully uses less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay balances arguments for investing in medical care and education while acknowledging the importance of recreational facilities for mental well-being.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider refining word choices for greater precision and accuracy. Proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation would further strengthen the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to the Band 7 descriptor. The writer effectively employs a mix of sentence forms, incorporating both simple and complex structures. There is good control of grammar and punctuation, with frequent error-free sentences. The essay exhibits a strong understanding of how to construct sentences with a reasonable level of complexity, contributing to the overall quality of expression.
How to improve: To elevate the score further, the writer could focus on refining the accuracy of their expressions. While the essay generally showcases good control of grammar and punctuation, there are instances where sentence constructions may be slightly convoluted or unclear. Reviewing the essay for minor errors and ensuring the clarity of complex sentence structures could contribute to a more polished piece. Additionally, attention to word choice and vocabulary expansion could enhance the overall sophistication of the language used.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many argue that government funds should primarily be directed towards essential sectors like healthcare and education rather than invested in recreational facilities. While I understand the rationale behind this perspective, focusing on economic development, I assert that allocating resources to entertainment buildings also plays a crucial role in enhancing people’s psychological well-being.
On one hand, prioritizing healthcare is crucial for overall economic development. This is because investing in essential sectors helps break the cycle of poverty and destitution. By establishing strong foundations in healthcare and education, the government fosters positive interpersonal bonds with its citizens. This ensures widespread access to affordable medical services and education, inspiring resident loyalty, preventing brain-drain, and encouraging citizens to contribute to economic growth.
On the other hand, I am convinced that investing in recreational facilities is justifiable and beneficial for residents. The primary concern here is the improvement of individuals’ mental health. In a society where many strive for success and endure high levels of pressure, it becomes essential to provide avenues for relaxation and leisure. Therefore, the government’s allocation of funds to build entertainment amenities such as theatres or sports stadiums is valid, as it addresses the need for people to unwind after extended periods of work.
In conclusion, while there are valid reasons to prioritize the construction of schools and hospitals to alleviate poverty, I contend that allocating funds to recreational facilities is equally justified. Such facilities play a vital role in helping people relax and rejuvenate their minds after prolonged working hours. The balance between essential services and recreational amenities is crucial for a society’s holistic well-being.