“Some people believe music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and age groups.” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

"Some people believe music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and age groups."
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

At the present time,increasing the number of the people concenred on music.And some
people believe music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and
age groups.In my opinion,i agree with this statement.The essay will discuss the reason
why i belive that.
Firstly,when you listening to music,maybe you do not know the language of the song,but
em can feel the melody.In addition It help all people hearing have common feeling and bring together people.
Sencondly,if your friend feel tired or sad.And in the time,you can not say whatever to
help their,you can send a song.it can help they healing.For example,when i was young,
my brother did not like me,he did not talk with me.But i love him so much,so,when he
cried,i played the piano to help him.And now,he always remember that
To sum up,music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and age
groups because it can connect emotion and hearling every solution.(184 words)

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "At the present time," -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "At the present time," which is slightly redundant and verbose in this context.

2. "increasing the number of the people concenred on music" -> "an increasing number of people are concerned with music"
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and refines the phrase to improve clarity and formality. "Are concerned with" is more precise than "concenred on," which is a typographical error.

3. "And some people believe" -> "Some people believe"
   Explanation: Removing "And" before "some people believe" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with the formal style of academic writing.

4. "i agree with this statement.The essay will discuss the reason why i belive that." -> "I agree with this statement. This essay will discuss the reasons why I believe that."
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "believe" and "I" to "believe" and "I," respectively, for grammatical accuracy. Also, "This essay will discuss the reasons why I believe that" is more formal and precise than "the reason why i belive that."

5. "when you listening to music,maybe you do not know the language of the song,but em can feel the melody" -> "when listening to music, one may not understand the language of the song, but can still feel the melody"
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors ("you" to "one" and "em" to "can") and refines the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

6. "It help all people hearing have common feeling and bring together people." -> "It helps all listeners share common feelings and brings people together."
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors ("It help" to "It helps" and "hearing" to "listeners") and refines the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

7. "Sencondly," -> "Secondly,"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "Secondly" to match the formal academic style.

8. "if your friend feel tired or sad.And in the time,you can not say whatever to help their,you can send a song.it can help they healing." -> "If your friend feels tired or sad. In such situations, you cannot express your feelings directly, but you can send a song, which can help them heal."
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors ("feel" to "feels," "And" to "In such situations," "can not" to "cannot," "help their" to "help them," and "healing" to "heal") and refines the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

9. "when i was young,my brother did not like me,he did not talk with me.But i love him so much,so,when he cried,i played the piano to help him.And now,he always remember that" -> "When I was young, my brother disliked me and refused to speak to me. However, I loved him deeply, so when he cried, I played the piano to comfort him. Now, he always remembers that"
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors ("feel" to "disliked," "talk with" to "speak to," "love him so much" to "loved him deeply," "remember" to "remembers") and refines the narrative for clarity and formality.

10. "music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and age groups because it can connect emotion and hearling every solution." -> "music is the most effective way to unite people from diverse cultures and age groups, as it can connect emotions and provide a universal solution."
    Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors ("hearling" to "healing") and refines the sentence structure for clarity and formality, replacing "best way" with "most effective way" for a more precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear opinion that music is the best way to bring people together from different cultures and age groups. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of the topic. The writer mentions two reasons—music’s ability to convey emotion and its role in personal relationships—but does not sufficiently elaborate on how these points relate to the broader context of cultural and age diversity. The examples provided are personal and somewhat anecdotal, which limits their effectiveness in supporting the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that all parts of the question are thoroughly addressed. This could involve discussing additional aspects of how music fosters connections across cultures and age groups, such as shared experiences at concerts, the role of music in cultural exchanges, or its use in community events. Including more varied examples would also strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of music as a unifying force. However, the clarity is undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which can confuse the reader. For instance, phrases like "increasing the number of the people concerned on music" are unclear and detract from the overall message. The use of "i agree with this statement" is also informal and should be capitalized for proper presentation.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should focus on using clear and concise language. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion and ensuring that each paragraph logically supports this position will help reinforce clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped. While the writer introduces the notion that music can evoke emotions and provide comfort, these points are not sufficiently extended or supported with detailed examples or explanations. For instance, the anecdote about the writer’s brother is relevant but lacks depth and connection to the broader argument about cultural and age diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to expand on each point made. This could involve explaining how music transcends language barriers or discussing specific genres of music that are popular across cultures. Providing statistical data or referencing studies on music’s impact on social cohesion could also strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on music as a unifying force. However, some parts, such as the personal anecdote, while relevant, do not directly address the broader implications of music’s role in connecting diverse groups. The mention of "healing" could also be interpreted as slightly off-topic, as it does not explicitly relate to the cultural and age aspects of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the prompt. It would be beneficial to structure the essay around clear topic sentences that explicitly tie back to the main argument, ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the question posed.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to expand on ideas, provide clearer examples, and ensure that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed while maintaining a consistent and clear position throughout. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and coherence will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, two main points, and a conclusion. However, the organization is somewhat disjointed. For instance, the transition from the introduction to the first point lacks clarity, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The second point also feels abrupt and does not logically connect to the first. The ideas presented do not build upon each other effectively, which disrupts the overall flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the thesis statement. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the other hand") can help link ideas and create a smoother flow between points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph combines multiple ideas without clear separation, and the second paragraph lacks a distinct topic sentence. The conclusion is also weak and does not summarize the main points adequately, which diminishes its effectiveness.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to create clear, distinct paragraphs for each main idea. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. For example, the first paragraph could focus solely on how music transcends language barriers, while the second could discuss personal experiences related to emotional healing through music.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices. Phrases like "In addition" and "For example" are present, but their usage is repetitive and does not effectively connect ideas. The lack of varied cohesive devices contributes to a choppy reading experience, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices. This includes using synonyms to avoid repetition, employing conjunctions (e.g., "and," "but," "so") to connect sentences, and utilizing phrases that indicate contrast or comparison (e.g., "On the contrary," "Similarly"). Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help the writer become more comfortable with them.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some relevant ideas, the coherence and cohesion are significantly hindered by organizational issues, ineffective paragraphing, and limited cohesive devices. Focusing on these areas will greatly enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "bring together," "common feeling," and "connect emotion." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "bring together people" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "bring together," alternatives like "unite," "connect," or "foster relationships" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can add depth to the writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, the phrase "the number of the people concenred on music" is awkward and unclear; it should be "the number of people concerned with music." Additionally, "help their" should be "help them," indicating a lack of grammatical precision that affects comprehension.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary matches the intended meaning. This can be achieved by double-checking word forms and ensuring grammatical accuracy. A good practice would be to read the essay aloud to identify awkward phrases and correct them for clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "concenred" (concerned), "belive" (believe), "Sencondly" (Secondly), and "hearing" (healing). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, there are significant areas for improvement, particularly in expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and correcting spelling errors. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the overall quality of the writing and potentially improve the band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at varying sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "At the present time, increasing the number of the people concerned on music" and "In addition It help all people hearing have common feeling" indicate a lack of complex sentence structures. The use of "Firstly," and "Secondly," shows an effort to organize ideas, but the overall sentence variety is limited.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For example, instead of "when you listening to music, maybe you do not know the language of the song," a more complex structure could be, "Although you may not understand the language of a song, listening to music allows you to connect with its melody." Practicing the use of subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, because, since) can help in creating more varied sentence forms.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "increasing the number of the people concenred on music" has a spelling error ("concenred" should be "concerned") and awkward phrasing. Additionally, the phrase "It help all people hearing have common feeling" should be "It helps all people to have a common feeling." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "In addition It help"), further detract from the overall quality.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and proper punctuation. For instance, ensuring that verbs agree with their subjects (e.g., "It helps" instead of "It help") is crucial. Additionally, practicing the correct use of commas, especially in compound sentences and after introductory phrases, will enhance clarity. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion and some relevant ideas, addressing the issues in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the score. Regular practice with varied sentence structures and a focus on grammatical rules will lead to better outcomes in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

At the present time, an increasing number of people are concerned with music. Some people believe music is the best way to bring together people from different cultures and age groups. In my opinion, I agree with this statement. This essay will discuss the reasons why I believe that.

Firstly, when listening to music, one may not understand the language of the song, but can still feel the melody. In addition, it helps all listeners share common feelings and brings people together.

Secondly, if your friend feels tired or sad, you cannot express your feelings directly, but you can send a song, which can help them heal. For example, when I was young, my brother disliked me and refused to speak to me. However, I loved him so much, so when he cried, I played the piano to comfort him. Now, he always remembers that.

To sum up, music is the most effective way to unite people from diverse cultures and age groups, as it can connect emotions and provide a universal solution. (184 words)