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Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of a bad person’s nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of a bad person’s nature.
Discuss both views and give your opinion

Opinions differ on whether social issues or an individual's inherent character flaws are the primary cause of criminality.(Para) Both factors contribute to the occurrence of criminal behavior, although the extent to which each factor influences crime may vary.(TS)

Proponents of the social problems and poverty theory argue that crime is a product of external factors.(TS) They contend that individuals who come from disadvantaged backgrounds, lacking access to education, employment opportunities, and basic necessities, are more inclined towards criminal activities. Poverty can breed desperation, leading people to engage in illegal actions to survive or escape their circumstances.(Exp) Moreover, social problems such as racism, political unrest, and socioeconomic disparities can create an environment that fosters criminal behavior.(Exp) History provides countless instances of terrorist organizations emerging to manipulate grievances, radicalize individuals, and justify their acts of violence in pursuit of their ideological or political objectives.(Ex)

Advocates of nature theories of criminal behavior espouse that crime is primarily driven by an individual's inherent characteristics.(TS) They argue that some individuals are simply predisposed to criminal behavior due to genetic traits or psychological disorders. Even in the absence of social problems or poverty, those with a deviant nature would still engage in criminal activities.(Exp) Evidence for this can be seen in Jeffrey Dahmer,a notorious prolific killer. Despite receiving adequate education and not experiencing financial constraints, Dahmer engaged in heinous criminal activities.(Ex) It has been suggested that his behavior may be attributed to a combination of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors, as he displayed signs of psychopathy and a lack of empathy.(Ex)

In conclusion, the rationale for criminality is complex and multifaceted. Neither social challenges nor genetic predispositions are the sole determinants of criminal behavior. Hence, criminology should acknowledge the complex interplay of these elements, contributing to a comprehensive understanding of criminal behavior


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Opinions differ on whether social issues or an individual’s inherent character flaws are the primary cause of criminality." -> "Opinions vary on whether societal issues or an individual’s intrinsic character flaws constitute the primary cause of criminality."
    Explanation: Replacing "social issues" with "societal issues" adds formality to the sentence. Furthermore, changing "inherent" to "intrinsic" enhances precision, maintaining an academic tone.

  2. "Both factors contribute to the occurrence of criminal behavior, although the extent to which each factor influences crime may vary." -> "Both factors contribute to the manifestation of criminal behavior, although the degree to which each factor influences crime may vary."
    Explanation: Substituting "occurrence" with "manifestation" and "extent" with "degree" provides a more nuanced and precise expression of the idea, aligning better with academic language.

  3. "Proponents of the social problems and poverty theory argue that crime is a product of external factors." -> "Advocates of the theory linking crime to social problems and poverty argue that criminal behavior is a consequence of external factors."
    Explanation: Replacing "proponents" with "advocates" and restructuring the sentence for clarity improves the formality and precision of the statement. Additionally, using "linking crime to" instead of "and" enhances the connection between social problems and poverty.

  4. "They contend that individuals who come from disadvantaged backgrounds, lacking access to education, employment opportunities, and basic necessities, are more inclined towards criminal activities." -> "They assert that individuals hailing from disadvantaged backgrounds, deprived of access to education, employment opportunities, and basic necessities, are more predisposed to engaging in criminal activities."
    Explanation: Substituting "contend" with "assert" and replacing "inclined towards" with "predisposed to" contribute to a more formal and precise representation of the argument.

  5. "Poverty can breed desperation, leading people to engage in illegal actions to survive or escape their circumstances." -> "Poverty can engender desperation, compelling individuals to resort to illegal actions for survival or to alleviate their circumstances."
    Explanation: The use of "engender" and rephrasing "leading people to engage" as "compelling individuals to resort" enhances formality and clarity. Additionally, "alleviate their circumstances" provides a more nuanced expression.

  6. "Advocates of nature theories of criminal behavior espouse that crime is primarily driven by an individual’s inherent characteristics." -> "Advocates of theories positing a natural basis for criminal behavior assert that crime is primarily driven by an individual’s intrinsic characteristics."
    Explanation: Replacing "nature theories" with "theories positing a natural basis" and changing "espouse" to "assert" contribute to a more refined and formal expression.

  7. "Even in the absence of social problems or poverty, those with a deviant nature would still engage in criminal activities." -> "Even in the absence of societal problems or poverty, individuals with a deviant nature would still partake in criminal activities."
    Explanation: Substituting "social problems" with "societal problems" and rephrasing "those with" as "individuals with" enhances precision and formality in the sentence.

  8. "Evidence for this can be seen in Jeffrey Dahmer, a notorious prolific killer." -> "Illustrations of this phenomenon are evident in the case of Jeffrey Dahmer, a notorious and prolific killer."
    Explanation: Replacing "Evidence for this can be seen" with "Illustrations of this phenomenon are evident" and adding descriptors like "notorious" and "prolific" enhance formality and specificity.

  9. "It has been suggested that his behavior may be attributed to a combination of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors, as he displayed signs of psychopathy and a lack of empathy." -> "Scholars have suggested that his behavior may be attributed to a confluence of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors, evident in his display of signs associated with psychopathy and a lack of empathy."
    Explanation: Using "scholars have suggested" and rephrasing "combination of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors" as "confluence of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors" contribute to a more academic and precise expression.

  10. "In conclusion, the rationale for criminality is complex and multifaceted." -> "In conclusion, the explanation for criminality is intricate and multifaceted."
    Explanation: Substituting "rationale" with "explanation" adds specificity and formality to the concluding statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the role of social problems and poverty, as well as the influence of an individual’s nature on criminal behavior. It provides a balanced analysis by acknowledging the contribution of both factors and offers a clear opinion in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it could benefit from specifying the opinion in the introduction or reiterating it in the conclusion for added clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position by exploring both perspectives on the causes of crime and concluding that neither social issues nor inherent characteristics alone determine criminal behavior.
    • How to improve: The essay could enhance clarity by explicitly stating the author’s opinion in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion to leave no room for ambiguity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with relevant examples and explanations. It provides specific instances, such as the impact of poverty and the case of Jeffrey Dahmer, to illustrate and substantiate the arguments.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the essay could incorporate additional real-world examples or case studies to enhance the depth of the analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the given topic, discussing the two perspectives on the causes of crime. There are no significant deviations, and the content consistently relates back to the central theme.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to either the social problems and poverty perspective or the inherent nature perspective. This will help in avoiding any unintentional diversions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively explores both views, and presents a well-supported argument. To enhance the essay, consider explicitly stating the opinion in the introduction, reinforcing it in the conclusion, incorporating additional examples, and maintaining a tight thematic focus in each paragraph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically by presenting both views on the cause of crime and then providing a nuanced perspective in the conclusion. The introduction sets the stage effectively by introducing the two opposing views. However, there is a slight abruptness in transitioning between the social problems theory and the nature theory. The flow could be smoother with more explicit transitional phrases or sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases when shifting between different aspects of the topic. This can help the reader follow the flow of ideas more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a strong topic sentence that clearly introduces the main point.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, but there’s room for improvement in terms of paragraph structure. The paragraph discussing social problems could be more focused, as it touches upon poverty, racism, and political unrest in a single paragraph. Breaking down these ideas into separate paragraphs could improve clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down the paragraph discussing social problems into separate paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect (e.g., one for poverty, one for racism, and one for political unrest). This can help create a more organized and focused structure, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words ("Moreover," "Even in the absence," "In conclusion"), to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices used. The repetition of phrases like "criminal behavior" and "social problems" can be minimized for a more varied and engaging presentation.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for key terms and varied transition words. This not only adds variety to the language but also strengthens the overall coherence of the essay. Be mindful of repetitive use of certain phrases and aim for diverse expressions to maintain reader engagement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refinements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device variety can contribute to an even more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms such as "proponents," "espouse," and "multifaceted," indicating an effort to avoid repetition. However, there is room for improvement as certain ideas and terms are repeated throughout the essay, limiting the diversity of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms for commonly used words. Additionally, strive to introduce more specialized terminology related to criminology and social theories to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where words might be used in a slightly imprecise manner. For example, the phrase "Poverty can breed desperation" could be more precise, and the word "deviant" might benefit from a more specific description.
    • How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of broad terms like "deviant," consider specifying the nature of deviance, such as "criminal tendencies" or "antisocial behavior." Carefully review the context to ensure that chosen words align precisely with the ideas being expressed.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a commendable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances that warrant attention, such as "socioeconomic" (instead of "socio-economic") and "inherent" (instead of "inherant").
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay thoroughly, paying particular attention to compound words and commonly misspelled terms. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-check tools to identify and correct any overlooked errors.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably strong command of vocabulary and spelling, refining the precision of word choices and expanding the range of vocabulary would elevate the lexical resource to a more sophisticated level.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentences, such as those with dependent and independent clauses. For instance, the use of a dependent clause in the sentence "Both factors contribute to the occurrence of criminal behavior, although the extent to which each factor influences crime may vary" showcases a nuanced sentence structure. However, there’s room for improvement in incorporating more varied sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences or the use of rhetorical devices for greater stylistic diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences to convey complex ideas more effectively. Additionally, explore the use of rhetorical devices, such as parallelism or inversion, to add sophistication and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where the use of articles could be refined. For example, in the phrase "lacking access to education, employment opportunities, and basic necessities," the use of the article "the" before "basic necessities" would enhance precision. Furthermore, there are a few areas where sentence structures could be streamlined for improved clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the use of articles, ensuring they are used appropriately to specify or generalize as needed. Additionally, carefully review sentence structures to ensure clarity, avoiding overly complex constructions that may hinder understanding. Consider breaking down complex ideas into more digestible segments to enhance readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, incorporate a greater variety of sentence structures and refine the use of articles for precision. Strive for clarity in complex sentences to enhance overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions vary on whether societal issues or an individual’s intrinsic character flaws constitute the primary cause of criminality. Both factors contribute to the manifestation of criminal behavior, although the degree to which each factor influences crime may vary.

Advocates of the theory linking crime to social problems and poverty argue that criminal behavior is a consequence of external factors. They assert that individuals hailing from disadvantaged backgrounds, deprived of access to education, employment opportunities, and basic necessities, are more predisposed to engaging in criminal activities. Poverty can engender desperation, compelling individuals to resort to illegal actions for survival or to alleviate their circumstances.

Advocates of theories positing a natural basis for criminal behavior assert that crime is primarily driven by an individual’s intrinsic characteristics. Even in the absence of societal problems or poverty, individuals with a deviant nature would still partake in criminal activities. Illustrations of this phenomenon are evident in the case of Jeffrey Dahmer, a notorious and prolific killer. Scholars have suggested that his behavior may be attributed to a confluence of genetic susceptibility and psychological factors, evident in his display of signs associated with psychopathy and a lack of empathy.

In conclusion, the explanation for criminality is intricate and multifaceted.

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