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some people believe that children in all ages need to have responsibilty( for example, helping at home or at work). other belive that, outside of school, chilren should be free to enjoy their lives. discuss both views and give your own opinion

some people believe that children in all ages need to have responsibilty( for example, helping at home or at work). other belive that, outside of school, chilren should be free to enjoy their lives. discuss both views and give your own opinion

One school of thought asserts that people at an early age need to be responsible for the chores in their house. There are differing advocates that young people need to have personal freedom to enjoy their own life. This essay attempts to shed light on both perceptions before outlining that I am in favor of the former notion.

On the one hand, it is understandable why children need to have a considerable amount of time to foster their favorites after school hours. First and foremost, this could bestow an enormous benefit upon their further maturity. This argument could be reinforced by the fact that youth could use their leisure time to broaden their horizons by meeting up with their friends or making a variety of social relationships. This beneficial implication of this is that they could be allowed to enhance their practical skills encompassing interpersonal skills and public speaking skills. Furthermore, having freedom to satisfy their lives after educational time could give kids a great opportunity to wind down and relax after a hectic schedule in school. To illustrate, relaxation after school could have a profound impact on helping children to review their academic processes which could be a precursor to a better school performance in the foreseeable future.

On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that lending a hand with the chores in their dwelling is not just the responsibility of parents, but also that of offsprings. One key rationale is that children could learn numerous positive characteristics during the time they extend a helping hand with the domestic tasks. For example, they could become more meticulous and persistent when they are cleaning their house or also having a great exposure to a diverse cooking method from their mother. As a result, these could not play a crucial role in forming their personality in the year to come, but also aiding them in having the ability to be fully independent. Another justification in favor of this is that house maintenance could stand a greater chance for young adults to have an insightful comprehension about the difficulties of their parents. This viewpoint could be further clarified by the evidence that in Vietnam, adolescents do not have sufficient time or opportunity to make small talk or speak their mind with their parents. In light of these reasons, doing cleaning tasks with their parents could be a golden time for them.

In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that the young generation should spend their time after school to satisfy their enjoyment. I would contend that engaging in domestic jobs could have its own equal significance.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "a considerable amount of time to foster their favorites after school hours" -> "a substantial amount of time to pursue their interests after school hours"
    Explanation: "Foster their favorites" is informal and unclear. Replacing it with "pursue their interests" maintains clarity and elevates the language.

  2. "could bestow an enormous benefit upon their further maturity" -> "could contribute significantly to their overall development"
    Explanation: "Bestow an enormous benefit upon" is overly formal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a more specific and refined expression.

  3. "variety of social relationships" -> "diverse social connections"
    Explanation: "Variety of social relationships" is somewhat redundant. "Diverse social connections" is more concise and academically precise.

  4. "beneficial implication of this is" -> "positive implication of this is"
    Explanation: The phrase "beneficial implication of this is" is redundant. "Positive implication" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "having freedom to satisfy their lives" -> "having the freedom to pursue their interests"
    Explanation: "Satisfy their lives" is informal. Replacing it with "pursue their interests" conveys the idea more formally and precisely.

  6. "could give kids a great opportunity to wind down" -> "provides children with a valuable opportunity to unwind"
    Explanation: "Give kids a great opportunity to wind down" is informal. The suggested alternative uses more formal language while maintaining clarity.

  7. "impact on helping children" -> "impact on assisting children"
    Explanation: "Impact on helping" is awkward phrasing. Replacing it with "impact on assisting" maintains formality and clarity.

  8. "foreseeable future" -> "coming years"
    Explanation: "Foreseeable future" is slightly informal. "Coming years" is a more formal and precise alternative.

  9. "compelling reasons as to why" -> "compelling reasons why"
    Explanation: "As to why" is unnecessary. Removing it streamlines the sentence while maintaining formality.

  10. "lending a hand with the chores in their dwelling" -> "assisting with household chores"
    Explanation: "Lending a hand with the chores in their dwelling" is overly complex. "Assisting with household chores" is simpler and maintains formality.

  11. "offsprings" -> "offspring"
    Explanation: "Offsprings" is not standard; "offspring" is the correct term.

  12. "key rationale is that children could learn numerous positive characteristics" -> "key rationale is that children can develop numerous positive characteristics"
    Explanation: Replacing "could learn" with "can develop" provides a more assertive and formal tone.

  13. "having a great exposure to a diverse cooking method from their mother" -> "gaining extensive exposure to diverse cooking methods from their mother"
    Explanation: "Having a great exposure to a diverse cooking method" is awkward. The suggested alternative is more precise and formal.

  14. "could not play a crucial role" -> "could play a crucial role"
    Explanation: The use of "could not" is a double negative. Removing it improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  15. "house maintenance could stand a greater chance" -> "engaging in house maintenance could significantly contribute"
    Explanation: "Stand a greater chance" is vague. The suggested alternative provides a more specific and formal expression.

  16. "insightful comprehension" -> "in-depth understanding"
    Explanation: "Insightful comprehension" is redundant. "In-depth understanding" conveys the idea more concisely.

  17. "make small talk or speak their mind with their parents" -> "engage in casual conversation or express their thoughts with their parents"
    Explanation: "Make small talk or speak their mind" is informal. The suggested alternative uses more formal language while maintaining clarity.

  18. "In light of these reasons" -> "Considering these reasons"
    Explanation: "In light of these reasons" is slightly informal. "Considering these reasons" is a more formal transition.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "On the one hand, it is understandable why children need to have a considerable amount of time to foster their favorites after school hours. First and foremost, this could bestow an enormous benefit upon their further maturity."

    • Explanation and Improvement: The paragraph lacks clarity in linking the idea of children having leisure time to their maturity development. To enhance this point, consider providing more explicit examples or explanations about how specific activities during leisure time contribute to their maturity. For instance, you could mention that engaging in hobbies or extracurricular activities allows children to develop critical thinking, time management, or problem-solving skills, thus fostering their overall growth.
    • Improved example: "Children’s leisure time after school hours plays a pivotal role in their holistic development. Engaging in hobbies such as painting or playing musical instruments nurtures their creativity and problem-solving abilities. These experiences not only enrich their lives but also contribute significantly to their overall maturity."
  2. Quoted text: "Furthermore, having freedom to satisfy their lives after educational time could give kids a great opportunity to wind down and relax after a hectic schedule in school."

    • Explanation and Improvement: While the idea of relaxation after school is pertinent, the connection to academic performance enhancement might need clarification. To strengthen this argument, you could illustrate how relaxation positively influences academic performance. For example, highlighting that taking breaks or pursuing leisure activities post-school hours can alleviate stress, leading to improved focus and enhanced learning retention during study sessions.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, allowing children leisure time after school serves as a crucial means of relaxation, alleviating the stress accumulated from a rigorous school schedule. Studies have shown that relaxation and leisure activities post-school hours positively impact academic performance by reducing stress levels, fostering a conducive environment for effective learning and improved cognitive abilities."
  3. Quoted text: "One key rationale is that children could learn numerous positive characteristics during the time they extend a helping hand with the domestic tasks."

    • Explanation and Improvement: The paragraph effectively highlights the positive aspects of children engaging in household chores. However, to enhance the argument, consider elaborating on specific examples of these positive characteristics children develop. For instance, discuss how responsibility, time management, and teamwork skills are honed through regular involvement in household chores.
    • Improved example: "Engaging in household chores instills invaluable traits in children, such as responsibility, time management, and teamwork. These tasks offer practical lessons wherein children learn to organize their time efficiently, take ownership of their duties, and collaborate effectively within a family setting."

Overall, while the essay addresses both viewpoints and maintains a clear position throughout, enhancing the development of ideas with more specific examples and cohesive explanations would further bolster the argumentation and overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. Ideas are arranged coherently, and there is a clear overall progression in the response. The use of cohesive devices is effective, although there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences may be faulty or mechanical. The essay presents a clear central topic within each paragraph. However, paragraphing is not consistently logical.

The introduction sets the stage by presenting both views, and the body paragraphs discuss each perspective with supporting details. There is a clear attempt to organize information logically, with a gradual progression from one idea to another.

Cohesive devices are used effectively in some places, such as connecting ideas within sentences. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences may lack clarity, affecting overall cohesion. For example, the transition between the two main body paragraphs could be smoother.

The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the author’s opinion, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the essay would benefit from more consistent and logical paragraphing.

How to Improve:

  1. Pay attention to the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.
  2. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately for smoother transitions.
  3. Review and refine paragraph structure to improve logical organization and progression.
  4. Consider providing more specific examples and elaboration to strengthen the support for each point.
  5. Proofread for grammatical accuracy and language fluency to enhance overall essay quality.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, attempting to use less common vocabulary at times. There is an effort to convey ideas with varied expressions, though there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay makes some errors in spelling and word formation, but they do not significantly impede understanding. There’s an attempt at sophistication in language but lacks consistency and accuracy.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining word choices and ensuring accuracy in the usage of less common vocabulary. Pay attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions to convey ideas more precisely. Work on spelling and word formation to reduce errors and strive for greater consistency in sophisticated language usage throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including both simple and complex forms. The use of vocabulary is relatively diverse, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that impact the clarity of expression. The essay generally maintains good control of grammar and punctuation, but there are some instances of errors that slightly affect the reader’s understanding. The essay does make frequent error-free sentences, but the presence of some mistakes prevents it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Review and edit sentences for grammatical accuracy. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and sentence structure. Additionally, ensure proper punctuation usage for clearer expression.

  2. Clarity of Expression: Simplify complex sentences to enhance clarity. Avoid awkward phrasing to ensure the reader easily comprehends the intended meaning.

  3. Consistency: Maintain consistency in verb tense throughout the essay. In some instances, there is a shift between present and past tense, which can be confusing.

  4. Vocabulary Precision: While the essay shows a commendable range of vocabulary, strive for more precise and contextually appropriate word choices to elevate the overall quality of expression.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score by demonstrating greater accuracy in grammar, enhanced clarity, and improved precision in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought asserts that individuals at a young age should take on responsibilities within their household. Conversely, others argue that children, outside of school, should have the freedom to enjoy their lives. This essay aims to examine both perspectives before expressing my preference for the former notion.

On one hand, it is understandable why children should have a significant amount of time to pursue their interests after school hours. This could significantly contribute to their overall development. Supporting this argument is the idea that young individuals can utilize their leisure time to broaden their horizons by socializing with friends and cultivating various social relationships. This has the added benefit of enhancing practical skills, including interpersonal and public speaking skills. Additionally, the freedom to unwind and relax after a demanding school schedule can positively impact their academic performance. For instance, relaxation post-school allows children to reflect on their academic processes, potentially leading to improved future school performance.

On the other hand, there are compelling reasons why I believe assisting with household chores is not solely the responsibility of parents but also that of their offspring. One key rationale is that children can learn valuable characteristics through participating in domestic tasks. For example, engaging in cleaning or learning diverse cooking methods from their parents can instill qualities like meticulousness and persistence. These qualities not only play a vital role in shaping their personality but also contribute to their ability to be independent. Another justification is that involvement in house maintenance provides young adults with insight into the challenges faced by their parents. This is particularly relevant in contexts like Vietnam, where adolescents may lack sufficient time or opportunity for meaningful conversations with their parents. Participating in household chores becomes a valuable time for bonding.

In conclusion, while it is undeniable that the younger generation should allocate time after school for their enjoyment, I would argue that engaging in domestic responsibilities holds equal significance.

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