Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their live. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their live.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
The notion of whether responsibilities or enjoying children’s life is more beneficial in various spheres of life has sparked much debate. While enjoying children’s life make they feel comfortable and creativity was development remarkable then responsibilities make they had independence in their life and huge of positive habits they must have to create sophisticate society, ultimately proving to be the superior to be approach.
On the one hand, there are two benefits I will mention in this essay. The first significant merit of enjoying children’s lives is freedom in their mind. The reason is that they can feel comfortable when they have a hard working study in their school. They do not put their mind to many things they need to take responsibility so that children’s lives are colorful and marvelous. Moreover, They are not to restricted within boundaries which is very valuable when the persons in teenagers from that they can make a carefree and innocent soul, free from pressures. Furthermore, what makes enjoying children’s lives is creativity. For instance, childrens who enjoy their life into many things they want to do might be pushed to their limits to reach new knowledge. Also they can think outside the box which can make them have more creativity. The purpose for this is create a new young generation of exceptional childrens. But in some cases children can face the bad information and absorb that, so this can be a double edge sword if they don’t know to filter information.
On the other hand, I would side with those who believe that responsibilities have many benefits in our lives. Firstly, independent living is the most prefer in responsibility. The reason is that when they was child their parent put them into framework such as do the chores in the weekend or watered the plant or cooking meals when they have a free-time so that when they mature and need to go abroad or have a distance with their family they know what going on and what they need to do even not supported from their parent. All of the issues I mentioned above show us the vitality of independent life. As a result, the positive habits in one of important in responsibility. Fundamentally, this issues always put them into a framework not only responsibility in their life but also responsibility into work and collective, because habits seem to be ingrained in their mind so that responsibility is common in their lives.
In conclusion, although it is partly true that enjoy children’s life is really good for freedom in their mind, creativity in some cases, I still support the view that responsibilities have more independent lives and positive habits.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"enjoying children’s life" -> "enjoying childhood"
Explanation: "Enjoying children’s life" is awkward and unclear. "Enjoying childhood" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts to refer to the period of life characterized by youth and innocence. -
"make they feel comfortable and creativity was development remarkable" -> "enhance their comfort and foster remarkable creativity"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and improves the grammatical structure, making it more formal and precise. -
"make they had independence in their life" -> "promote independence in their lives"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Promote independence in their lives" is grammatically correct and more formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"huge of positive habits they must have to create sophisticate society" -> "a multitude of positive habits necessary for creating a sophisticated society"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal vocabulary suitable for academic writing. -
"ultimately proving to be the superior to be approach" -> "ultimately proving to be the superior approach"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and clear. -
"I will mention in this essay" -> "I will discuss in this essay"
Explanation: "Mention" is too vague and informal for academic writing. "Discuss" is more precise and appropriate for presenting arguments in an essay. -
"They do not put their mind to many things they need to take responsibility" -> "They are not burdened by numerous responsibilities"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. The suggested revision is more precise and formal, better suited for academic writing. -
"They are not to restricted within boundaries" -> "They are not restricted by boundaries"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The correction fixes the grammar and clarifies the meaning. -
"make a carefree and innocent soul" -> "develop a carefree and innocent spirit"
Explanation: "Make a carefree and innocent soul" is an awkward and informal expression. "Develop a carefree and innocent spirit" is more formal and academically appropriate. -
"childrens who enjoy their life into many things they want to do" -> "children who enjoy exploring various activities"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise. -
"pushed to their limits to reach new knowledge" -> "challenged to achieve new knowledge"
Explanation: "Pushed to their limits" is informal and vague. "Challenged to achieve new knowledge" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"have more creativity" -> "exhibit greater creativity"
Explanation: "Have more creativity" is informal and vague. "Exhibit greater creativity" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style. -
"create a new young generation of exceptional childrens" -> "create a new generation of exceptional youth"
Explanation: "Childrens" is a grammatical error and "young generation" is redundant. "Youth" is the correct term and more formal. -
"But in some cases children can face the bad information and absorb that" -> "However, children may encounter negative information and absorb it"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances the formality of the language. -
"this can be a double edge sword" -> "this can be a double-edged sword"
Explanation: "Double edge sword" is a typographical error. "Double-edged sword" is the correct term and is more formal. -
"they was child" -> "they were children"
Explanation: "They was child" is grammatically incorrect. "They were children" corrects the verb tense and number agreement, making it grammatically correct and formal. -
"put them into framework" -> "place them in a framework"
Explanation: "Put them into framework" is awkward and informal. "Place them in a framework" is more formal and precise. -
"do the chores in the weekend" -> "perform chores on weekends"
Explanation: "Do the chores in the weekend" is informal and slightly awkward. "Perform chores on weekends" is more formal and grammatically correct. -
"watered the plant or cooking meals" -> "water plants or cook meals"
Explanation: "Watered the plant or cooking meals" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Water plants or cook meals" corrects the verb tense and form, making it more formal and clear. -
"have a distance with
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding whether children should have extra responsibilities or be free to enjoy their lives. The author presents arguments for both sides, discussing the benefits of freedom and creativity in childhood, as well as the importance of responsibilities in fostering independence and positive habits. However, the analysis lacks depth in exploring the implications of each perspective and does not fully articulate the author’s own opinion until the conclusion, which could lead to some confusion about the overall stance.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that each view is explored in greater detail, providing more examples and elaboration on the consequences of each perspective. Additionally, the author should clearly state their opinion earlier in the essay, perhaps in the introduction, to guide the reader through the discussion.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position in the conclusion, stating a preference for responsibilities over freedom. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the body paragraphs. The initial paragraph suggests a more balanced view, which may confuse readers about the author’s true stance. The phrasing, such as "ultimately proving to be the superior to be approach," is vague and does not clearly indicate a strong opinion.
- How to improve: The author should maintain a clear and consistent position throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using topic sentences in each paragraph that reflect the author’s stance and by linking back to this position in the analysis. Additionally, using more assertive language can help clarify the author’s opinion.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of freedom and creativity as well as the importance of responsibilities. However, the development of these ideas is often superficial. For instance, while the author mentions that enjoying life fosters creativity, there is a lack of specific examples or evidence to support this claim. Similarly, the discussion of responsibilities could benefit from more concrete instances of how these responsibilities translate into real-life skills.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should provide specific examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include personal anecdotes, statistical data, or references to studies that illustrate the benefits of both perspectives. Additionally, elaborating on how responsibilities can lead to independence and positive habits with clear examples would enhance the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of responsibility and freedom. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly when discussing the potential downsides of enjoying life, which could be more clearly tied back to the main argument. The phrase "double edge sword" introduces an idea that is not fully explored, leaving the reader wanting more clarity on how this relates to the overall discussion.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of the essay. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the prompt in each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and arguments are relevant to the discussion of responsibilities versus freedom. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that each point is clearly articulated will help keep the essay on track.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of enjoying life to the benefits of responsibilities is somewhat abrupt. The introduction states that responsibilities ultimately prove to be superior, but the body paragraphs do not consistently support this claim with a clear comparative structure. The points made in each paragraph are relevant but could be better connected to the overarching argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases (e.g., "In contrast," "On the other hand") at the beginning of paragraphs and between points would help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the discussion. However, some paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into smaller, more focused paragraphs. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to develop each idea fully within its own paragraph. For instance, the discussion about creativity in the first body paragraph could be expanded into a separate paragraph that focuses solely on the importance of creativity in childhood. This would allow for a more in-depth analysis and clearer presentation of ideas.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. For example, phrases like "the purpose for this is create a new young generation of exceptional childrens" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Additionally," "Consequently," "In summary"). This would help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the connections between points. Additionally, ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one will enhance overall coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "notion," "beneficial," "creativity," and "independence." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "enjoying children’s lives" and "responsibilities." Additionally, some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "huge of positive habits" and "sophisticate society," which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the vocabulary used.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "enjoying children’s lives," alternatives like "childhood enjoyment" or "leisure for children" could be employed. Additionally, expanding vocabulary related to the themes of responsibility and creativity would provide more depth to the argument.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "make they feel comfortable" should be "makes them feel comfortable," and "they can think outside the box which can make them have more creativity" could be more succinctly expressed as "they can think creatively." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and weaken the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that phrases are grammatically correct. Practicing sentence structure and reviewing common collocations can also help. For instance, instead of "create a new young generation of exceptional childrens," a more precise phrase would be "foster a new generation of exceptional children."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "childrens" (should be "children"), "was development remarkable" (should be "was remarkably developed"), and "double edge sword" (should be "double-edged sword"). These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can distract the reader from the content of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with commonly used words. It may also be beneficial to create a personal list of frequently misspelled words and review them regularly.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to utilize a range of vocabulary, improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "The reason is that they can feel comfortable when they have a hard working study in their school." and compound structures such as "On the one hand, there are two benefits I will mention in this essay." are prevalent. However, the essay lacks complex sentences that could showcase a higher level of grammatical sophistication. Additionally, phrases like "enjoying children’s life make they feel comfortable" contain grammatical errors that detract from the overall effectiveness of the structures used.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "The reason is that they can feel comfortable," the writer could say, "One reason for this is that when children are free to enjoy their lives, they can feel more comfortable and less pressured." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also add depth to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that impact clarity and coherence. For example, "make they feel comfortable" should be "makes them feel comfortable," and "when they was child" should be "when they were children." Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, there are unnecessary capitalizations such as "They are not to restricted within boundaries," where "to" is incorrectly used and "restricted" should not be capitalized. Additionally, run-on sentences and improper conjunctions are present, making some ideas difficult to follow.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper pronoun usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct these issues. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and periods, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into correct grammatical usage and punctuation.
In summary, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies hinder its effectiveness. By diversifying sentence types and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can improve their score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
The notion of whether responsibilities or enjoying children’s lives is more beneficial in various spheres of life has sparked much debate. While enjoying children’s lives makes them feel comfortable and enhances their creativity remarkably, responsibilities promote independence in their lives and instill a multitude of positive habits necessary for creating a sophisticated society, ultimately proving to be the superior approach.
On the one hand, there are two benefits I will discuss in this essay. The first significant merit of enjoying children’s lives is the freedom in their minds. The reason is that they can feel comfortable when they have a hard-working study in their school. They do not have to put their minds to many things they need to take responsibility for, so children’s lives are colorful and marvelous. Moreover, they are not restricted by boundaries, which is very valuable for teenagers, as it allows them to develop a carefree and innocent spirit, free from pressures. Furthermore, what makes enjoying children’s lives beneficial is creativity. For instance, children who enjoy exploring various activities might be challenged to achieve new knowledge. Also, they can think outside the box, which can help them exhibit greater creativity. The purpose of this is to create a new generation of exceptional youth. However, children may encounter negative information and absorb it, so this can be a double-edged sword if they don’t know how to filter information.
On the other hand, I side with those who believe that responsibilities have many benefits in our lives. Firstly, independent living is the most preferred aspect of responsibility. The reason is that when they were children, their parents placed them in a framework, such as performing chores on weekends, watering plants, or cooking meals in their free time. This way, when they mature and need to go abroad or be apart from their families, they know what is going on and what they need to do, even without support from their parents. All of the issues I mentioned above show us the vitality of independent living. As a result, positive habits are one of the most important aspects of responsibility. Fundamentally, these issues always place them in a framework that involves not only responsibility in their lives but also responsibility in work and community, as habits seem to be ingrained in their minds, making responsibility common in their lives.
In conclusion, although it is partly true that enjoying children’s lives is beneficial for freedom in their minds and creativity, I still support the view that responsibilities foster more independence in their lives and cultivate positive habits.