Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In recent days, mobile phone become more and more popular in society. Mobile phone can use by anyone, even a child or a older. However, it should be banned that letting children using their phones during the school time is a idea of some people. Meanwhile, others permit children using phones freely. In my point of view, forbidding them using phones in school will be a better choice.
Utilizing phones in study, of course, will be effective and save lots of time. Phones can help children having a lively and realistic views and pictures about what they are studying, therefore, the teacher will spend less their time and effort to help the student understand lessons. Phones also stimulate children's curiosity and studiousness. Teacher cannot explain every detail for each lessons and each student, that's why most of time of a student is self-study. Hence, they will need a source or a tool to assist them searching for information and the phone is an exact what they looking for. Comparing to a book or even a library, a phone can aid children searching information faster and more reliable.
In spite of that, using phones in school days can lead to many potetial harms. Children's responsibility hasn't completed yet, children can become dependent on the phone. They use phones to solve a easy problem, abuse phones to play games or do something else. In the worst case, most of school bullyings or fightings are originated from social media. Children who aren't mature about emotion and mind contribute on those kinds of crime a lot. Phones can cause diseases either, both mentality and physicality. Children who aren't strong enough to fight or resist those diseases could be addicted then never let the phone go away from them. As a consequence, children become aggressive and crazy against someone try to interrupt them when they use phones.
Letting children using phones during their school time brings both advantages and disadvantages. However, I think allowing children using phone is unnecessary until they already are self-control.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In recent days" -> "Recently"
Explanation: "Recently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "In recent days," which is somewhat colloquial and vague. -
"mobile phone become" -> "mobile phones become"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from singular to plural, aligning with the plural subject "mobile phones." -
"can use by anyone" -> "can be used by anyone"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure to "can be used by anyone," which is more accurate and formal. -
"even a child or a older" -> "even children or the elderly"
Explanation: Replaces "a older" with "the elderly" for grammatical correctness and clarity, and changes "child" to "children" for consistency in plural form. -
"it should be banned that letting children using" -> "it is suggested that children should not be allowed to use"
Explanation: Rewrites for clarity and formality, replacing the informal "banned" with "it is suggested" and correcting the verb tense and structure. -
"is a idea of some people" -> "is a suggestion of some individuals"
Explanation: Replaces "idea" with "suggestion" for a more precise term in academic writing, and "people" with "individuals" for a more formal tone. -
"Utilizing phones in study" -> "Using phones in studies"
Explanation: Corrects the preposition "in study" to "in studies" for grammatical accuracy and clarity. -
"save lots of time" -> "save considerable time"
Explanation: "Save lots of time" is informal; "save considerable time" is more precise and formal. -
"having a lively and realistic views" -> "gaining a vivid and realistic views"
Explanation: Corrects the verb "having" to "gaining" for grammatical accuracy and replaces "lively" with "vivid" for a more precise academic tone. -
"spend less their time and effort" -> "reduce their time and effort"
Explanation: "Spend less their time and effort" is awkward and incorrect; "reduce their time and effort" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"the phone is an exact what they looking for" -> "the phone is exactly what they are looking for"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and adds the necessary articles and verb tense for clarity and formality. -
"Comparing to a book or even a library" -> "Compared to a book or even a library"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense from "Comparing" to "Compared" for grammatical consistency. -
"potetial harms" -> "potential harms"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "potetial" to "potential." -
"Children’s responsibility hasn’t completed yet" -> "Children’s responsibility has not yet been completed"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense and structure for clarity and formality. -
"Children use phones to solve a easy problem" -> "Children use phones to solve an easy problem"
Explanation: Corrects the article "a" to "an" before a vowel sound for grammatical accuracy. -
"abuse phones to play games or do something else" -> "abuse phones to play games or engage in other activities"
Explanation: Replaces "do something else" with "engage in other activities" for a more formal and precise expression. -
"Children who aren’t mature about emotion and mind" -> "Children who are not yet mature emotionally and mentally"
Explanation: Corrects the phrase for grammatical accuracy and clarity, replacing "aren’t mature about emotion and mind" with "are not yet mature emotionally and mentally." -
"cause diseases either, both mentality and physicality" -> "cause diseases, both mental and physical"
Explanation: Corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase structure for clarity and grammatical correctness. -
"Children who aren’t strong enough to fight or resist those diseases could be addicted then never let the phone go away from them" -> "Children who are not strong enough to resist these diseases may become addicted and cannot put the phone down"
Explanation: Rewrites for clarity and formality, correcting grammatical errors and improving the flow of the sentence. -
"children become aggressive and crazy against someone try to interrupt them" -> "children become aggressive and hostile towards those who try to interrupt them"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and replaces "crazy" with "hostile" for a more formal and appropriate term. -
"Letting children using phone" -> "Allowing children to use phones"
Explanation: Corrects the verb form and adds the necessary preposition "to" for grammatical accuracy and formality.
These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the use of phones by children during school hours. It presents arguments for allowing phone use, emphasizing the benefits of technology in education, such as enhancing understanding and stimulating curiosity. Conversely, it also discusses the potential harms, including dependency and negative social impacts. However, the discussion could be more balanced, as the arguments for banning phone use are less developed than those for allowing it.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should ensure that both sides are equally explored. This could involve providing more detailed examples or statistics that illustrate the negative consequences of phone use in schools, thereby creating a more comprehensive discussion.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that banning phone use is preferable, as stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the benefits and drawbacks of phone use could be smoother, as the abrupt shifts may confuse the reader about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, clearly stating, "Despite the advantages, there are significant drawbacks that must be considered," would help reinforce the position while acknowledging the complexity of the issue.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the effectiveness of phones in aiding learning and the risks of dependency. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration or supporting evidence. For instance, while the essay mentions that phones can lead to addiction and aggression, it does not provide concrete examples or research to substantiate these claims.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on key points with specific examples or studies that support their arguments. For instance, citing research on the impact of social media on children’s behavior could strengthen the argument against phone use.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of phone use in schools. However, some sentences are slightly off-topic or unclear, such as the mention of "school bullyings or fightings" without a clear connection to the main argument. This can detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates to the central question of phone use in schools. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that every example ties back to the main argument will enhance clarity and relevance.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from more balanced exploration of both viewpoints, clearer transitions, and stronger supporting evidence for its claims.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of phone usage to the potential harms is somewhat abrupt. The ideas are presented in a way that makes sense, but the connections between them could be more explicit. For example, the mention of how phones can aid self-study could be better linked to the subsequent discussion on dependency and distractions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that outline the main idea. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. The first body paragraph mixes several points about the benefits of phone usage, making it slightly convoluted. The second body paragraph discusses harms but could benefit from clearer separation of ideas.
- How to improve: Aim for more focused paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally cover one main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the educational benefits of phones and another on their role in stimulating curiosity. This would allow for a deeper exploration of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "meanwhile," which help in contrasting the two views. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it harder to follow the argument. For example, the phrase "that’s why most of time of a student is self-study" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between self-study and phone usage.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a variety of linking words and phrases such as "furthermore," "in addition," "for instance," and "as a result." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one to maintain coherence.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical organization, focused paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "mobile phone," "self-study," and "social media." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive, particularly with terms like "phones" and "children." Phrases like "lively and realistic views" and "exact what they looking for" show attempts at variety but lack sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "phones," alternatives like "mobile devices," "smartphones," or "technology" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary, such as "educational tools" instead of "source or a tool," would elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise or awkward. For example, "forbidding them using phones" should be "forbidding them from using phones," and "a idea" should be "an idea." Phrases like "exact what they looking for" are grammatically incorrect and detract from clarity.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity in word choice. Proofreading for grammatical structures and ensuring correct prepositions will enhance precision. For example, revising "phones can help children having" to "phones can help children have" would improve clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "potetial" (potential), "abuse phones" (should be "abuse of phones"), and "fighting" (should be "fights"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools, and proofreading their work carefully. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading more can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and some effective vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in lexical range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, refining word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences follow a simple or compound structure, such as "Phones can help children having a lively and realistic views." This sentence structure lacks complexity and variety, which is essential for achieving a higher band score. Additionally, the use of phrases like "In my point of view" and "In spite of that" shows some attempt at variety, but overall, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "Phones can help children having a lively and realistic views," the writer could say, "By using phones, children can gain lively and realistic views of their studies, which enhances their understanding." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also add depth to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "mobile phone become more and more popular" should be "mobile phones have become more and more popular." Additionally, phrases like "a idea of some people" should be corrected to "an idea held by some people." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also detract from the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and the correct form of verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common mistakes, can be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules and reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where commas or periods are needed to clarify meaning. For example, the sentence "Children who aren’t mature about emotion and mind contribute on those kinds of crime a lot" could be revised for clarity and grammatical accuracy to "Children who lack emotional maturity often contribute significantly to such crimes."
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent days, mobile phones have become increasingly popular in society. Mobile phones can be used by anyone, even children or the elderly. However, it is suggested by some individuals that children should not be allowed to use their phones during school hours. Meanwhile, others believe that children should be permitted to use phones freely. In my opinion, forbidding them from using phones in school is a better choice.
Using phones in studies can be effective and save considerable time. Phones can help children gain vivid and realistic views and pictures about what they are studying; therefore, teachers will spend less time and effort helping students understand lessons. Phones also stimulate children’s curiosity and eagerness to learn. Teachers cannot explain every detail for each lesson and each student, which is why much of a student’s time is spent on self-study. Hence, they will need a source or tool to assist them in searching for information, and the phone is exactly what they are looking for. Compared to a book or even a library, a phone can aid children in searching for information faster and more reliably.
In spite of these advantages, using phones during school days can lead to many potential harms. Children’s responsibilities have not yet been fully developed, and they can become dependent on their phones. They may use phones to solve easy problems and abuse them to play games or engage in other activities. In the worst cases, many incidents of school bullying or fighting originate from social media. Children who are not yet mature emotionally and mentally contribute significantly to these kinds of issues. Phones can also cause diseases, both mental and physical. Children who are not strong enough to resist these diseases may become addicted and find it difficult to put their phones down. As a consequence, children can become aggressive and hostile towards those who try to interrupt them while they are using their phones.
Allowing children to use phones during school time brings both advantages and disadvantages. However, I believe that permitting children to use phones is unnecessary until they have developed self-control.
