Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, some think allowing children to use phones in class would be inappropriate. Many think students ought to be permitted to use mobile devices. Both views have valid points, and it is crucial to examine their merits and drawbacks before forming an opinion.
On the one hand, the phone sometimes is essential during class time due to it convenient functions. The teacher can provide self-study time for students to raise their inquisitiveness. During this time, they can use their own devices to search for information, and after that teacher can ask about their knowledge of the problem. This may advance the memories of children since this is their learning achievement. Moreover, if students have health issues such as allergies and fever, teachers can easily contact their parents to find suitable solutions.
On the other hand, students should be banned from using their phones in school while technical devices may distract them from the lecture. Children often forget to turn off their phones in class, and ringing noises or text message alerts disrupt learning and school work. Furthermore, even if they turn it to silent, youngsters still have the desire to check the massages on their phones. According to a Netflix documentary known as "The Social Dilemma", young people and even adults experience an addictive need to check their cell phones and notifications whenever the phone is available.
In conclusion, both of the debates have reasonable points and evidence. In my opinion, students should be allowed to use their phones during the school day. However, they can use phones only with the permission of their teacher and for academic reasons.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"some think" -> "some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Some individuals believe" is more formal and specific than "some think," which is too vague and informal for academic writing. -
"Many think" -> "Many scholars argue"
Explanation: "Many scholars argue" specifies the source of the opinion, enhancing the academic tone and credibility of the statement. -
"the phone sometimes is essential" -> "the phone is occasionally essential"
Explanation: "Occasionally" is more precise and formal than "sometimes," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"due to it convenient functions" -> "due to its convenient functions"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form "it" to "its" to match the singular noun "phone." -
"The teacher can provide self-study time" -> "Teachers can allocate self-study time"
Explanation: "Allocate" is a more precise verb than "provide" in this context, and using "teachers" instead of "the teacher" broadens the scope to include all teachers, which is more appropriate in a general discussion. -
"raise their inquisitiveness" -> "enhance their curiosity"
Explanation: "Enhance their curiosity" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "raise their inquisitiveness," which is less commonly used and slightly awkward. -
"This may advance the memories of children" -> "This may improve children’s retention"
Explanation: "Improve children’s retention" is a more precise and formal way to describe enhancing memory, replacing the vague and incorrect "advance the memories." -
"since this is their learning achievement" -> "as this is a learning outcome"
Explanation: "As this is a learning outcome" is more formal and academically precise than "since this is their learning achievement," which is awkward and unclear. -
"students should be banned from using their phones" -> "students should be prohibited from using their phones"
Explanation: "Prohibited" is a more formal and precise term than "banned," which is somewhat informal and colloquial. -
"technical devices" -> "electronic devices"
Explanation: "Electronic devices" is a more specific and formal term than "technical devices," which is vague and less commonly used in academic contexts. -
"Children often forget to turn off their phones" -> "Students frequently fail to turn off their phones"
Explanation: "Students frequently fail to" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "Children often forget to," which is too informal and imprecise. -
"ringing noises or text message alerts" -> "ringing sounds or text notifications"
Explanation: "Sounds" and "notifications" are more precise and formal terms than "noises" and "massages," which are incorrect and informal. -
"youngsters still have the desire to check the massages on their phones" -> "youngsters still feel compelled to check messages on their phones"
Explanation: "Feel compelled to" is a more formal expression than "have the desire to," and "messages" is the correct term, not "massages." -
"addictive need" -> "compulsive need"
Explanation: "Compulsive need" is a more precise and formal term than "addictive need," which is somewhat colloquial and imprecise in this context. -
"both of the debates" -> "both debates"
Explanation: Removing "of the" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more concise and formal. -
"reasonable points and evidence" -> "valid arguments and evidence"
Explanation: "Valid arguments" is more specific and academically appropriate than "reasonable points," which is vague and less formal.
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the use of phones in school. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of allowing phone usage, such as facilitating self-study and enabling communication in emergencies. The second body paragraph presents the counterargument, highlighting distractions caused by phones. However, while both views are mentioned, the essay could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of each perspective, particularly the drawbacks of phone usage and the benefits of banning them.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each viewpoint. For instance, elaborating on how phone distractions specifically impact learning outcomes or providing statistics on phone usage in schools could strengthen the argument. Additionally, a more balanced discussion of both sides could help in presenting a nuanced view.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in the conclusion, stating that students should be allowed to use phones with certain restrictions. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The initial statement of both views is somewhat neutral, and the transition to the author’s opinion feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion earlier in the essay, perhaps in the introduction. This would set the tone for the discussion and allow for a more cohesive argument. Additionally, reiterating the main stance in the body paragraphs could help to reinforce the position throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of phones for self-study and the potential for distraction. However, some ideas are not fully extended or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, while the essay mentions that phones can help with emergencies, it does not provide specific scenarios or examples that illustrate this point effectively.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more examples and elaboration. For instance, discussing specific educational apps that can aid learning or citing studies on the impact of phone distractions on student performance would provide stronger support for the arguments made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt and discussing both views regarding phone usage in schools. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the mention of "The Social Dilemma" is relevant but could be better integrated into the argument about distractions.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and references directly relate to the main argument. It may also be helpful to outline the essay before writing, ensuring that each paragraph clearly contributes to answering the prompt. Additionally, avoiding tangential points will help keep the discussion relevant and concise.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in depth, clarity, and focus could elevate the response to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two opposing views. Each viewpoint is discussed in separate paragraphs, which helps maintain clarity. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the shift from the benefits of phone use to the drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second paragraph, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely," followed by a brief recap of the previous point. Additionally, summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph could help reinforce the argument and guide the reader through the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the concluding paragraph could be more robust. It briefly restates the author’s opinion but lacks a summary of the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main arguments presented in the body. For example, you could briefly mention the benefits of phone use in enhancing learning and the potential distractions they pose. This will reinforce your argument and provide a more satisfying closure to the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. The essay relies heavily on basic connectors and lacks more sophisticated linking phrases that could enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, the phrase "this may advance the memories of children" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "however" to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help reduce repetition and improve cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By improving the logical flow, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "inappropriate," "permitted," "inquisitiveness," and "disrupt." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "essential during class time" and "suitable solutions" are quite basic and could be enhanced with more varied expressions. The use of "technical devices" is also somewhat vague and could be more specific (e.g., "digital devices" or "smartphones").
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For example, instead of repeating "students" and "phones," alternatives like "pupils," "learners," "mobile technology," or "smart devices" could be used. Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more academic articles could help expand vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "due to it convenient functions" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; it should be "due to its convenient functions." Additionally, "advance the memories of children" is awkwardly phrased and could be better expressed as "enhance children’s memory retention." The term "massages" is a typographical error that should be "messages," which affects clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Proofreading for common errors and ensuring that phrases convey the intended meaning would be beneficial. Practicing writing with attention to word choice and context can also help in achieving more precise vocabulary.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, notably "massages" instead of "messages," which detracts from the overall quality. While the majority of the spelling is correct, such errors can impact the reader’s understanding and perception of the writer’s proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a habit of proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be effective strategies. Regular practice in writing and reading can help reinforce correct spelling over time.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future IELTS assessments.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively organizes the argument. However, some sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "the phone sometimes is essential during class time due to it convenient functions," which contains a grammatical error ("it" should be "its"). The essay also relies on a few sentence patterns, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences and varied clauses. For example, instead of saying "students should be banned from using their phones in school while technical devices may distract them," the writer could say, "Although technical devices can be beneficial, they should be banned in school because they often distract students from their lectures." Additionally, using more varied transitional phrases can help improve the flow of ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "due to it convenient functions" should be corrected to "due to its convenient functions." The phrase "after that teacher can ask about their knowledge of the problem" is missing an article before "teacher," which should read "after that, the teacher can ask about their knowledge of the problem." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, can lead to run-on sentences, as seen in "Moreover, if students have health issues such as allergies and fever, teachers can easily contact their parents to find suitable solutions."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with possessive forms and article usage. Practicing sentence structure and punctuation rules will also help. For example, the writer could benefit from reviewing the rules surrounding commas in complex sentences and ensuring that each clause is correctly punctuated. Additionally, utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct errors before submission.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, some individuals believe that allowing children to use phones in class would be inappropriate. Many think students ought to be permitted to use mobile devices. Both views have valid points, and it is crucial to examine their merits and drawbacks before forming an opinion.
On the one hand, the phone is occasionally essential during class time due to its convenient functions. The teacher can allocate self-study time for students to enhance their curiosity. During this time, they can use their own devices to search for information, and after that, the teacher can ask about their knowledge of the topic. This may improve children’s retention, as this is a learning outcome. Moreover, if students have health issues such as allergies and fever, teachers can easily contact their parents to find suitable solutions.
On the other hand, students should be prohibited from using their phones in school, as electronic devices may distract them from the lecture. Children frequently fail to turn off their phones in class, and ringing sounds or text notifications disrupt learning and schoolwork. Furthermore, even if they turn it to silent, youngsters still feel compelled to check messages on their phones. According to a Netflix documentary known as “The Social Dilemma,” young people and even adults experience a compulsive need to check their cell phones and notifications whenever the phone is available.
In conclusion, both debates have valid arguments and evidence. In my opinion, students should be allowed to use their phones during the school day. However, they can use phones only with the permission of their teacher and for academic reasons.
