Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that school should not apply sports into its syllabus. From my perspective, I reckon that this subject brings to students several benefits, however, another subject like art can also be considered.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that subjects like sports are advantageous in a plethora of ways. First and foremost, playing sports enhances physical health, since it requires doing activities continuously as well as incentivising students by giving passion of that sports during playing. For instance, badminton, an intriguing game, forces players to move fast and accurately, otherwise, people will lose. Moreover, team sports such as football, basketball, and volleyball may be a great tool to strengthen relationships. As these games demand sustainable co-operation among each other, giving students opportunities to understand and sustain beliefs, leading to a wonderful friendship.
On the other hand, another possibility but less competitive subject is art. Firstly, this subject establishes a relaxed and comfortable condition which suits students to express their creativity without limitation. Because the field of art includes diverse styles and colors, student’s imagination could appear through different ways like sculpturing, sketching and also drawing by water-color. Furthermore, the most crucial justification is that this subject hinders some issues caused by rivalry when participating in harsh or competitive games. In addition, art has a tendency to support and encourage a wholesome atmosphere for every person to study and experience.
In conclusion, although sports are not without merits, other subjects like art can be an alternative choice for school curriculum.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is argued that school should not apply sports into its syllabus." -> "It is argued that sports should not be included in the school curriculum."
Explanation: The original phrase "apply sports into its syllabus" is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and uses more formal academic language suitable for an essay.
"I reckon" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "I reckon" is somewhat informal and colloquial for academic writing. "I believe" is more formal and appropriate for an academic context.
"brings to students several benefits" -> "offers numerous benefits to students"
Explanation: "Brings to students" is a less formal and slightly awkward construction. "Offers numerous benefits to students" is more direct and formal.
"another subject like art can also be considered" -> "another subject, such as art, could also be considered"
Explanation: Adding "such as" clarifies the example, and "could" instead of "can" suggests possibility more formally.
"playing sports enhances physical health" -> "participating in sports enhances physical health"
Explanation: "Playing sports" is a bit informal and vague; "participating in sports" is more precise and formal.
"incentivising students by giving passion of that sports during playing" -> "motivating students by fostering their passion for the sport during play"
Explanation: "Incentivising" is not commonly used in this context; "motivating" is more appropriate. "Passion of that sports" is grammatically incorrect; "passion for the sport" is correct. "During playing" is informal; "during play" is more formal.
"badminton, an intriguing game" -> "badminton, a fascinating sport"
Explanation: "Game" is less formal than "sport," and "intriguing" can be replaced with "fascinating" for a more academic tone.
"people will lose" -> "players will lose"
Explanation: "People" is too general; "players" specifically refers to those participating in the sport.
"sustainable co-operation among each other" -> "sustained cooperation among team members"
Explanation: "Sustainable co-operation" is awkward and unclear; "sustained cooperation" is more precise and formal. "Among each other" is redundant; "among team members" is clearer.
"giving students opportunities to understand and sustain beliefs" -> "providing students with opportunities to develop and maintain relationships"
Explanation: "Sustain beliefs" is unclear and incorrect; "develop and maintain relationships" is more accurate and formal.
"a wonderful friendship" -> "strong friendships"
Explanation: "A wonderful friendship" is overly emotional and informal; "strong friendships" is more neutral and appropriate for academic writing.
"less competitive subject" -> "less competitive field"
Explanation: "Subject" is too broad; "field" specifically refers to a domain of study, which is more precise in this context.
"establishes a relaxed and comfortable condition" -> "creates a relaxed and comfortable environment"
Explanation: "Establishes a condition" is less specific; "creates an environment" is more precise and formal.
"student’s imagination could appear through different ways" -> "students’ imaginations can manifest in various ways"
Explanation: "Student’s imagination could appear" is awkward and unclear; "students’ imaginations can manifest" is more formal and clear.
"hinders some issues caused by rivalry" -> "addresses issues arising from competition"
Explanation: "Hinders" is incorrect in this context; "addresses" is the correct verb for dealing with issues. "Rivalry" is too informal; "competition" is more appropriate in an academic context.
"wholesome atmosphere" -> "positive atmosphere"
Explanation: "Wholesome" is less commonly used and can be vague; "positive" is straightforward and universally understood in academic contexts.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting both sides of the argument regarding the inclusion of competitive sports in the school curriculum. The writer acknowledges the benefits of sports, such as enhancing physical health and fostering teamwork, while also introducing the merits of art as an alternative subject. However, the response could be seen as somewhat imbalanced, as it does not fully explore the implications of excluding sports or the potential consequences of prioritizing art over sports.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more thorough exploration of both perspectives. This could involve discussing the potential drawbacks of removing sports from the curriculum, such as the impact on students’ physical health and social skills. Additionally, a clearer stance on how far they agree or disagree with the prompt would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges the benefits of sports while suggesting that art could be a viable alternative. However, the position is somewhat ambiguous, as the writer states they "reckon" sports bring benefits but does not clearly articulate how strongly they agree or disagree with the idea that sports should be included in the curriculum.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and reinforce this stance throughout the essay. Using phrases such as "I firmly believe" or "I strongly disagree" can help clarify their position. Additionally, summarizing their stance in the conclusion can reinforce their viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of sports and art. The points about physical health and teamwork are relevant and supported by examples. However, the development of these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the essay mentions that sports enhance physical health, it could provide more specific examples or statistics to strengthen this argument. Similarly, the discussion of art lacks depth in terms of how it benefits students compared to sports.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could include citing studies that show the benefits of sports on health or teamwork, or discussing specific artistic projects that foster creativity. Additionally, expanding on how these subjects contribute to overall student development would provide a more comprehensive argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the merits of both sports and art in relation to the school curriculum. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing the "harsh or competitive games" that may cause issues. This could distract from the main argument about whether sports should be included in the curriculum.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the central question of the prompt. They could use topic sentences to clearly link each paragraph to the main argument and avoid introducing ideas that may detract from the primary discussion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth of analysis, and focus. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with a logical structure, moving from an introduction to two main body paragraphs that discuss the benefits of sports and art, respectively. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph addresses a distinct point. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing sports to art feels somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two concepts together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the benefits of sports, a sentence like "While sports offer numerous advantages, it is also essential to consider the value of other subjects such as art" would create a smoother transition.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of sports, while the second focuses on art. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and should ideally summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea. Additionally, the conclusion should not only restate the thesis but also briefly summarize the key points discussed in the body paragraphs. This will provide a more cohesive ending to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "moreover," and "on the other hand." These phrases help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the phrase "on the one hand" is used effectively, but the corresponding "on the other hand" could be varied to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to express contrast or addition. Instead of repeating "on the other hand," you could use "conversely" or "in contrast." Additionally, incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as "in addition to this" or "furthermore," can enhance the sophistication of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, achieving a Band 7 due to its logical organization, effective use of paragraphs, and appropriate cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay could reach a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "plethora," "incentivising," and "sustainable co-operation" showcasing the writer’s ability to use varied language. However, some phrases are repetitive or could be expressed more diversely. For example, the phrase "another subject like art" could be varied by using synonyms such as "alternative subject" or "creative discipline." Additionally, the use of "advantageous" and "benefits" could be expanded with synonyms like "favorable" or "gains."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting can help in finding alternatives to commonly used words and phrases. Practicing with vocabulary exercises focused on synonyms and antonyms could also be beneficial.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "giving passion of that sports during playing" is awkward and unclear. It would be more precise to say "instilling a passion for the sport while playing." Additionally, the term "hinders some issues caused by rivalry" could be better articulated as "mitigates the negative effects of competition."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness in their word choices. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases or unclear expressions. Furthermore, practicing writing with a focus on clarity can help in selecting the most appropriate words for the intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "student’s imagination could appear through different ways" should be "students’ imaginations could manifest in different ways." The use of "its syllabus" instead of "their syllabus" when referring to schools is another example of a minor grammatical oversight that could affect clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay backward (from the last word to the first) can help catch spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "it is undeniable that subjects like sports are advantageous in a plethora of ways" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the writer’s point. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the sentence "Because the field of art includes diverse styles and colors, student’s imagination could appear through different ways like sculpturing, sketching and also drawing by water-color" could be restructured for better flow and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For example, instead of starting a sentence with "Because," try integrating it into the main clause: "The field of art, which includes diverse styles and colors, allows students to express their imagination through various mediums such as sculpturing, sketching, and watercolor painting." This not only improves the flow but also demonstrates a higher level of grammatical sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "incentivising students by giving passion of that sports during playing" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity, perhaps to "incentivizing students by fostering a passion for sports." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences or confusion. For instance, "As these games demand sustainable co-operation among each other, giving students opportunities to understand and sustain beliefs, leading to a wonderful friendship" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors and ensuring that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., "student’s imagination" should be "students’ imagination" to reflect plural possessive). Additionally, practice using punctuation marks correctly, especially in complex sentences, to enhance readability. For example, consider breaking long sentences into shorter ones or using semicolons to connect closely related ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, showcasing a more sophisticated command of English grammar and structure.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that schools should not include sports in their curriculum. From my perspective, I believe that this subject offers numerous benefits to students; however, another subject, such as art, could also be considered.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that subjects like sports are advantageous in a plethora of ways. First and foremost, participating in sports enhances physical health, as it requires engaging in activities continuously while motivating students by fostering their passion for the sport during play. For instance, badminton, a fascinating sport, forces players to move quickly and accurately; otherwise, they will lose. Moreover, team sports such as football, basketball, and volleyball serve as excellent tools for strengthening relationships. As these games demand sustained cooperation among team members, they provide students with opportunities to develop and maintain relationships, leading to strong friendships.

On the other hand, another possibility is a less competitive subject like art. Firstly, this subject creates a relaxed and comfortable environment that allows students to express their creativity without limitation. Because the field of art includes diverse styles and colors, students’ imaginations can manifest in various ways, such as sculpting, sketching, and drawing with watercolors. Furthermore, the most crucial justification is that this subject addresses issues arising from competition when participating in harsh or competitive games. In addition, art tends to support and encourage a positive atmosphere for everyone to study and experience.

In conclusion, although sports are not without merits, other subjects like art can be a valuable alternative choice for the school curriculum.