Some people believe that crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of a bad person's nature. Discuss both views

There has been a growing debate over whether crime committing is resulted from poor background and environment problems or is purely driven by their true nature. I believe the decline in living standards has more influence on individual mindset, which will be discussed in this essay.

It is true that laziness and abusive my blind people from achieving success. For example student who are graduated from prestigous universities can even be misled due to their dependence on others and laziness behavior during schooltime, which forces them into breaking laws ranging from theft to even drug trading in order to survive outside the university. Additionally, those who are violent tempered are more inclined to lost control and assault other because of minor issues such as poverty and traffic accidents.
While these problems can be solved with adequate oppertunities, well educated courses from parents and school, for who bornt or lived in low-class families, mentioned assistances often impractical. For instance, unemployed and poor-educated father who has a daughter is in emergency room because of serious disease are more inclined to do anything to save his beloved angel, ranging from borrowing in illegal pocket to stealing vehicles or even robbing bank. Moreover, children's lack of parental care could be more vulnerable to unintentionally associating with delinquent social circles, which may neutralize the violence action toward people on their mind. Leading to inhumanity crime committing such as murderer and kidnapping in the future.

In conclusion, despite evil nature can be easily seen as the potential cause of committing crime, It can be cured. But not everybody can access to such treatments.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"crime committing" -> "crime commission"
Explanation: "Crime commission" is the correct term for the act of committing a crime, aligning with formal academic language.
"poor background and environment problems" -> "adverse socioeconomic backgrounds and environmental conditions"
Explanation: "Adverse socioeconomic backgrounds and environmental conditions" provides a more precise and formal description of the challenges faced, enhancing the academic tone.
"is purely driven by their true nature" -> "is solely the result of their inherent nature"
Explanation: "Is solely the result of their inherent nature" refines the phrase to better convey the idea of an inherent characteristic without the colloquial tone of "true nature."
"decline in living standards" -> "deterioration in living conditions"
Explanation: "Deterioration in living conditions" is a more formal and precise term that better captures the decline in quality of life.
"laziness and abusive my blind people" -> "laziness and abuse can blind individuals"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning to improve readability and formality.
"student who are graduated from prestigous universities" -> "students who graduate from prestigious universities"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and uses the correct form "graduate" for the present tense.
"laziness behavior" -> "laziness and behavioral patterns"
Explanation: "Laziness and behavioral patterns" is a more formal and precise way to describe the habits associated with laziness.
"lost control and assault other" -> "lose control and assault others"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and maintains subject-verb agreement.
"minor issues such as poverty and traffic accidents" -> "minor issues such as poverty and traffic incidents"
Explanation: "Incidents" is more specific and formal than "accidents" in this context.
"well educated courses from parents and school" -> "well-structured educational programs from parents and schools"
Explanation: "Well-structured educational programs" is a more precise and formal term than "well educated courses."
"for who bornt or lived in low-class families" -> "for those born or living in low-income families"
Explanation: "Low-income families" is a more accurate and formal term than "low-class families."
"mentioned assistances often impractical" -> "these forms of assistance are often impractical"
Explanation: Clarifies the subject and corrects the grammatical structure for better readability and formality.
"unemployed and poor-educated father" -> "unemployed and poorly educated father"
Explanation: "Poorly educated" is the correct adjectival form, enhancing the formal tone.
"borrowing in illegal pocket" -> "borrowing from illegal sources"
Explanation: "Borrowing from illegal sources" corrects the awkward and unclear original phrase.
"stealing vehicles or even robbing bank" -> "stealing vehicles or even robbing banks"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and pluralizes "banks" for consistency.
"neutralize the violence action toward people on their mind" -> "neutralize violent tendencies towards others in their minds"
Explanation: "Violent tendencies towards others in their minds" is a more precise and formal way to describe the psychological impact.
"inhumanity crime committing" -> "inhuman crimes"
Explanation: "Inhuman crimes" is a more concise and formal way to describe such serious offenses.
"It can be cured" -> "it can be addressed"
Explanation: "It can be addressed" is a more appropriate and formal way to discuss the mitigation of evil nature, avoiding the colloquial and inaccurate "cured."

These changes enhance the academic tone, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the causes of crime: social problems and poverty versus the nature of individuals. The first half discusses the influence of social issues on crime, while the latter part touches on individual nature. However, the exploration of the second viewpoint is somewhat limited. For instance, the mention of "evil nature" is vague and lacks depth, which could leave the reader wanting more insight into this perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to each perspective, clearly outlining the arguments for both social problems and individual nature. Additionally, incorporating specific examples or studies that support each viewpoint would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a clear position that social problems have a greater influence on crime, stating, "I believe the decline in living standards has more influence." However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. At times, the discussion of individual nature appears to undermine the main argument, creating a slight ambiguity about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link back to their main argument after discussing the opposing view. Phrases like "Despite this perspective, I maintain that…" can help reinforce the main thesis. Additionally, summarizing the position in the conclusion while reiterating the key points made in the essay would solidify the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the impact of social issues on crime, such as poverty and lack of parental care. However, the support for these ideas is often vague or poorly articulated. For example, the statement about "laziness and abusive my blind people" is unclear and lacks a solid connection to the argument. Furthermore, some examples, like the story of the unemployed father, are compelling but could be better integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should ensure that each point is clearly articulated and supported with relevant examples or evidence. Using specific statistics, studies, or real-life cases can help substantiate claims. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis will help in presenting and extending ideas effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes of crime. However, there are moments where the discussion veers off, particularly in the second half where the connection between social issues and individual nature becomes muddled. For instance, the mention of "violent tempered" individuals could be more clearly linked to the overarching argument about social influences.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central question posed by the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referring back to the prompt in each section and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly support the main argument. Additionally, outlining the essay before writing can help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points made are relevant to the topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, improvements can be made in balancing the discussion of both viewpoints, reinforcing the main position, providing clearer support for ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of social problems and poverty on crime, which is a strength. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the author’s belief in the impact of living standards on individual mindset. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph begins with a statement about laziness but quickly shifts to discussing violent behavior without a clear transition. This lack of logical progression can confuse readers about the main point being made.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point builds on the previous one. For example, after discussing laziness, explicitly connect it to how it leads to crime before transitioning to the next point about violent behavior. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, which is essential for organizing ideas. However, the structure within the paragraphs is inconsistent. The first paragraph mixes several ideas without clear separation, making it difficult to follow. The second paragraph introduces multiple concepts, such as parental influence and social circles, but does not clearly delineate these ideas, leading to a dense and somewhat confusing read.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. For example, the first paragraph could focus solely on the impact of social background on crime, while the second could address the role of individual nature. Consider starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, followed by supporting details. This will help create a more structured and coherent argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "additionally," which help link ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel abrupt or disconnected. For instance, the transition between discussing laziness and violent behavior lacks a cohesive link, making the argument feel disjointed.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover," "On the other hand," or "Consequently" to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can create a smoother flow. For instance, instead of repeating "poor background," you might use "such circumstances" to maintain coherence without redundancy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially elevating the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use more complex terms (e.g., "abusive," "delinquent," "inhumanity"). However, there are instances of repetition and limited variety in word choice. For example, the term "crime" is used frequently without synonyms or related expressions, which could enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions related to crime and its causes. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "crime," alternatives like "criminal activities," "offenses," or "illegal acts" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can help convey ideas more vividly.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, the phrase "laziness and abusive my blind people" is unclear and seems to misuse "abusive" and "my." Furthermore, "violent tempered" should be "hot-tempered," and "lost control" should be "lose control." These inaccuracies can confuse the reader and obscure the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully choose words that accurately convey their intended meaning. It is advisable to review vocabulary in context and ensure that terms are used correctly. Utilizing a thesaurus to find appropriate synonyms and checking definitions can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability and professionalism. Notable examples include "prestigous" (prestigious), "oppertunities" (opportunities), "schooltime" (school time), "who bornt" (who were born), and "murderer" (murder). These errors suggest a lack of attention to detail and can negatively affect the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and flashcards can reinforce correct forms. Regularly reviewing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. While there are some complex sentences, such as "I believe the decline in living standards has more influence on individual mindset," many sentences are either simple or poorly constructed. For instance, phrases like "is resulted from poor background and environment problems" are awkward and incorrect, which detracts from the overall clarity. The use of conjunctions and relative clauses is minimal, and the essay relies heavily on straightforward declarative sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as using conditional clauses (e.g., "If individuals are raised in a poor environment, they may be more likely to engage in criminal behavior"). Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and incorporating different types of clauses (e.g., adverbial clauses) can improve the essay’s sophistication. Engaging with resources on sentence variety, such as grammar workbooks or online exercises, could be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder comprehension. For example, "laziness and abusive my blind people" is a confusing phrase that lacks clarity and correct grammatical structure. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "student who are graduated" (should be "students who have graduated"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "It can be cured" should not be capitalized), further detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review fundamental grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of verb tenses. Practicing sentence correction exercises can help identify common mistakes. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors before submission can significantly enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in identifying and correcting these issues.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are needed to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation accuracy will be essential for future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been a growing debate over whether crime commission is a result of adverse socioeconomic backgrounds and environmental conditions or if it is solely driven by an individual’s inherent nature. I believe that the deterioration in living conditions has a more significant influence on an individual’s mindset, which will be discussed in this essay.

It is true that laziness and abusive behaviors can blind people from achieving success. For example, students who graduate from prestigious universities can also be misled due to their dependence on others and lazy behavioral patterns during their schooling, which may force them into breaking laws ranging from theft to even drug trafficking in order to survive outside the university. Additionally, those with violent temperaments are more inclined to lose control and assault others because of minor issues such as poverty and traffic incidents.

While these problems can be addressed with adequate opportunities and well-structured educational programs from parents and schools, for those born or living in low-income families, such assistance is often impractical. For instance, an unemployed and poorly educated father with a daughter in the emergency room due to a serious illness may feel compelled to do anything to save his beloved child, resorting to borrowing from illegal sources, stealing vehicles, or even robbing a bank. Moreover, a lack of parental care can make children more vulnerable to unintentionally associating with delinquent social circles, which may neutralize violent tendencies towards others in their minds, leading to inhuman crimes such as murder and kidnapping in the future.

In conclusion, while some may argue that an evil nature can easily be seen as the potential cause of crime, it can indeed be addressed. However, not everyone has access to such treatments.