Some people believe that for school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than parents. Others argue that parents are not less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people hold a belief that teachers have a greater bearing on school children’s cognitive capabilities and social improvement, while others suppose that parental guidance is equally vital. Although both schools of thought hold merits, I would side with the later perspective.

On the one hand, there are some reasons that explain why some people think that teachers play an instrumental role in helping youngsters become more intelligent and socially advanced. In terms of intelligence, teachers are responsible for imparting pupils with knowledge that is the foundation for children’s understanding of the world. Furthermore, towards logical and theoretical subjects such as mathematics, science, which are complicated for children to study independently, teachers’ guidance is essential in order to enhance their intellectual abilities. Regarding social development, students are taught moral codes and social etiquettes at school, which may determine how they are going to treat others. Thus, these pupils have more opportunities to improve their communication and teamwork skills.

On the other hand, I am convinced that it would be imprudent to overlook the importance of parents in children's comprehensive growth. Although teachers indeed teach students a huge amount of knowledge at school, their efforts would be futile if this knowledge is not reinforced by the support of parents at home, which considerably encourages good study habits for children. In addition, according to a research of Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology at LMU, since children interact with their parents most, they gradually mimic their parents' behaviors even from the preschool period. For example, children brought up by violent parents are likely to adopt the same aggressive behaviors that they see, regardless of how they are taught at school. Otherwise, children growing up in a peaceful family tend to become more well-behaved people later on.

In conclusion, although there are mixed opinions on determining whether teachers or parents have a greater bearing on school children’s cognitive and social capabilities, I am of the opinion that teachers and parents all shoulder the responsibility for children's intellectual and social competencies, and no party is more important than the other.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some people hold a belief" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more precise and formal than "people," and "believe" is a more direct verb choice than "hold a belief," which can sound overly formal and less natural in this context.
"suppose" -> "assert"
Explanation: "Assert" is more academically appropriate than "suppose," which can imply a lack of certainty or a speculative nature that is not suitable for a formal essay.
"side with the later perspective" -> "support the latter perspective"
Explanation: "Support" is more direct and formal than "side with," and "latter" is the correct form to refer to the second of two previously mentioned items, whereas "later" incorrectly implies time rather than order of mention.
"instrumental role" -> "key role"
Explanation: "Key role" is a more common and precise term in academic writing, emphasizing the importance of teachers without the slightly archaic connotation of "instrumental role."
"imparting pupils with knowledge" -> "imparting knowledge to pupils"
Explanation: The preposition "to" is more grammatically correct and natural in this context than "with," which is less commonly used in this sense.
"towards logical and theoretical subjects" -> "in subjects such as mathematics and science"
Explanation: "In subjects such as mathematics and science" is clearer and more direct, avoiding the awkward and vague phrase "towards logical and theoretical subjects."
"improve their intellectual abilities" -> "enhance their cognitive abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise term than "improve" in academic contexts, and "cognitive" is more specific than "intellectual" in describing mental processes.
"it would be imprudent to overlook" -> "it would be unwise to disregard"
Explanation: "Unwise" is a more formal synonym for "imprudent," and "disregard" is more precise than "overlook" in the context of ignoring or neglecting something important.
"a huge amount of knowledge" -> "a significant amount of knowledge"
Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and academically appropriate than "huge," which can sound informal and vague.
"According to a research of Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology at LMU" -> "According to research in Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology at LMU"
Explanation: "Research" should be plural to match the plural subject "research," and "in" is more appropriate than "of" to describe the field of study.
"children growing up in a peaceful family tend to become more well-behaved people" -> "children raised in peaceful families tend to develop better behavior"
Explanation: "Raised" is more precise than "growing up," and "develop better behavior" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to describe the outcome of upbringing.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the influence of teachers and parents on children’s intelligence and social development. The first body paragraph discusses the role of teachers, highlighting their contribution to cognitive and social skills. The second body paragraph presents the counterargument, emphasizing the importance of parental influence. However, the essay could have provided a more balanced exploration of both perspectives, as the argument for teachers is more developed than that for parents.
- How to improve: To enhance the balance, the writer could include more specific examples or evidence supporting the parental perspective. For instance, discussing how parental involvement in education can lead to better academic outcomes would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer clearly states their position in favor of the importance of both teachers and parents in the introduction and reiterates this stance in the conclusion. However, the phrase "I would side with the later perspective" is somewhat misleading, as it suggests a stronger alignment with the teachers’ influence, which is not the case in the conclusion. This inconsistency may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is consistently communicated throughout the essay. Clarifying the introduction to reflect a balanced view from the outset would help maintain clarity. For example, stating that both parties are crucial from the beginning would set the tone for the rest of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, particularly regarding the roles of teachers in imparting knowledge and social skills. The use of a research reference adds credibility to the argument for parental influence. However, the support for the teachers’ role is more robust, while the argument for parents lacks depth and specific examples.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer could elaborate on the mechanisms through which parents influence their children’s development. For instance, discussing specific parenting styles or practices that contribute to social and cognitive growth would provide a more comprehensive view.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the influences of both teachers and parents. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of violent parents could be better tied back to the main argument about parental influence on social development.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every example and piece of evidence directly supports the main argument. Avoiding tangential points and ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates back to the central question will enhance coherence and relevance.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the areas for improvement, the writer can further enhance the clarity and depth of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured, presenting a clear argument that balances both perspectives before concluding with a personal opinion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the role of teachers, while the second contrasts this with the importance of parents, maintaining a clear thematic progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit signposting phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "Firstly," "In contrast," or "Furthermore" could help clarify the relationship between ideas and improve transitions between points.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the influence of teachers, while the second addresses the role of parents. This clear division aids readability and comprehension. However, the conclusion could be more distinct by being set apart from the preceding body paragraphs to emphasize the final thoughts.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion is clearly separated from the body paragraphs, both visually and in content. Additionally, consider summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs to reinforce the argument and provide a stronger closure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "In addition," which effectively link ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied; for instance, the phrase "which" appears multiple times, leading to some repetition that could detract from the overall fluency.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "which," try "that," "who," or rephrasing sentences to reduce reliance on such connectors. Additionally, using more transitional phrases like "Moreover," "Conversely," or "Consequently" can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, effectively addressing the prompt while maintaining clarity and logical progression. With some minor adjustments to transitions and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher level of sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "cognitive capabilities,""social improvement," "instrumental role," and "moral codes." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and an ability to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "teachers" and "parents" could be substituted with synonyms or phrases like "educators" or "guardians" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "teachers," you could use "instructors," "mentors," or "educators." This would not only enhance the richness of your vocabulary but also demonstrate a greater command of language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the later perspective" should be "the latter perspective." Additionally, "moral codes and social etiquettes" could be more accurately expressed as "moral values and social etiquette," as "etiquette" is generally uncountable.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and that word choices accurately convey your intended meaning. Reviewing the definitions and common usages of words can help in selecting the most appropriate terms. Consider using a thesaurus to find precise alternatives that fit the context better.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with only minor errors such as "the later perspective" instead of "the latter perspective." However, the term "research of Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology" could be more clearly stated as "research in Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread your work carefully. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, you can enhance your lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound structures. For instance, phrases like "Although both schools of thought hold merits" and "In addition, according to a research of Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology at LMU" showcase the use of subordinate clauses and introductory phrases. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "which are complicated for children to study independently" could be restructured to enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different conjunctions. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In addition," try using "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "Additionally." Additionally, you could experiment with using participial phrases or conditional clauses to create more complex sentence forms.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For example, "the later perspective" should be "the latter perspective." Additionally, the phrase "a research of Developmental Psychology" should be corrected to "a study in Developmental Psychology." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which may determine how they are going to treat others."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for common errors, particularly with articles and prepositions. Familiarizing yourself with common collocations in academic writing can also help. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and enhance readability. Consider revising sentences to ensure that they are grammatically sound and that punctuation is used effectively to clarify meaning.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals assert that teachers have a greater influence on school children’s cognitive abilities and social development, while others argue that parental guidance is equally vital. Although both perspectives hold merit, I would support the latter viewpoint.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why some people believe that teachers play a key role in helping youngsters become more intelligent and socially adept. In terms of intelligence, teachers are responsible for imparting knowledge that forms the foundation for children’s understanding of the world. Furthermore, in relation to logical and theoretical subjects such as mathematics and science, which can be complex for children to study independently, teachers’ guidance is essential for enhancing their intellectual abilities. Regarding social development, students are taught moral codes and social etiquette at school, which can significantly influence how they interact with others. Thus, these pupils have more opportunities to improve their communication and teamwork skills.

On the other hand, I am convinced that it would be imprudent to overlook the importance of parents in children’s overall growth. Although teachers indeed provide students with a substantial amount of knowledge at school, their efforts would be futile if this knowledge is not reinforced by parental support at home, which greatly encourages good study habits in children. In addition, according to research in Developmental Psychology and Educational Psychology at LMU, since children interact with their parents most frequently, they gradually mimic their behaviors even from the preschool period. For example, children raised by violent parents are likely to adopt the same aggressive behaviors they observe, regardless of how they are taught at school. Conversely, children growing up in a peaceful family environment tend to become more well-adjusted individuals later on.

In conclusion, although there are differing opinions on whether teachers or parents have a greater influence on school children’s cognitive and social capabilities, I believe that both teachers and parents share the responsibility for children’s intellectual and social development, and neither party is more important than the other.