Some people believe that if the police force carries guns, It would encourage a higher level of violence in that society. To what extent you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that if the police force carries guns, It would encourage a higher level of violence in that society. To what extent you agree or disagree?
It is believed that the violence in society can be prompted by equipping guns for the police force. While I accept that this perception is somewhat justifiable, I assert that there are other factors that play an equal role in this problem.
On the one hand, it is understandable that the violent tendency in society can come from police carrying guns to some extent. Firstly, these weapons could raise anxiety among residents. In spite of professional and carefully trained users, they cannot ensure no accidents in the process of working and just a small mistake could even kill an individual, so people tend to be more violent when they face with police force carrying weapons. Secondly, residents see these weapons as a sign of criminals. This is because as many criminals in society as strong polices they have to be; as a result; they would feel unsafe and be more sensitive.
On the other hand, there are compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that carrying guns for police is not the main factor that encourages violence in society. One main reason is that the violence in society mainly comes from their costumes. For example, some states in America, which are not allowed to use guns, still have unsafe and violent societies, due to other problems, such as consuming drugs or being gangsters. Another reason, not as profound, is that these types of equipment can limit the number of criminals. Resulting from strict laws and powerful police, the criminals would be aware that they could trade off their lives if they risk breaking the law.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that carrying guns can cause violence in the residents, I would contend that these weapons are not the main reason and also can limit criminals, who are the crucial group causing violence in society.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"It is believed that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a commonly accepted opinion, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"equipping guns for the police force" -> "arming the police"
Explanation: "Arming the police" is a more concise and formal term that directly refers to the act of equipping police with weapons, avoiding redundancy and improving clarity. -
"I assert" -> "I contend"
Explanation: "I contend" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, emphasizing a strong, evidence-based argument rather than a personal assertion. -
"can come from" -> "may arise from"
Explanation: "May arise from" is a more precise and formal way to express the potential cause of something, aligning better with academic style. -
"could raise anxiety among residents" -> "may instill anxiety among residents"
Explanation: "May instill" is a more precise verb choice, indicating a direct causation of anxiety, which is more appropriate in an academic context. -
"cannot ensure no accidents" -> "cannot guarantee no accidents"
Explanation: "Guarantee" is a stronger, more formal term than "ensure," which is more suitable for academic writing. -
"just a small mistake could even kill an individual" -> "even a minor mistake could result in the loss of life"
Explanation: This revision avoids the informal "just" and "even" and uses "result in the loss of life," which is more formal and precise. -
"face with" -> "face"
Explanation: "Face with" is a grammatical error; "face" is the correct preposition to use in this context, indicating confrontation or encounter. -
"as many criminals in society as strong polices they have to be" -> "as many criminals in society as there are strong policies"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, making it more readable and formal. -
"would feel unsafe and be more sensitive" -> "may feel unsafe and become more vigilant"
Explanation: "May feel" and "become more vigilant" are more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better than the vague "would feel" and "be more sensitive." -
"One main reason is that the violence in society mainly comes from their costumes" -> "One primary reason is that the violence in society primarily stems from their attire"
Explanation: "Stems from their attire" is a more precise and formal expression than "comes from their costumes," which is less commonly used in formal writing. -
"not as profound" -> "less significant"
Explanation: "Less significant" is a more academically appropriate term than "not as profound," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"Resulting from" -> "Resulting in"
Explanation: "Resulting in" is the correct prepositional phrase for indicating the outcome of an action, improving grammatical accuracy. -
"could trade off their lives" -> "might risk their lives"
Explanation: "Might risk their lives" is a more formal and precise way to express the potential consequences of breaking the law, avoiding the colloquial "trade off." -
"I would contend" -> "I argue"
Explanation: "I argue" is a stronger, more assertive academic expression than "I would contend," which can sound less definitive.
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding police carrying guns and its potential impact on societal violence. The introduction clearly states the author’s position, acknowledging the validity of the concern while asserting that other factors are equally significant. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement, as the prompt asks for a degree of agreement rather than a binary position.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For example, phrases like "I partially agree" or "I strongly disagree" could clarify the author’s stance. Additionally, providing a more balanced discussion of both perspectives could strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that while police carrying guns can contribute to societal violence, it is not the primary cause. This position is maintained throughout the essay, with supporting arguments provided. However, the transition between acknowledging the potential for increased violence and presenting counterarguments could be smoother to reinforce the overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the acknowledgment of the issue with the counterarguments. For instance, phrases like "However, it is important to consider…" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the anxiety caused by police carrying guns and the role of societal issues like drug use and gang violence. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "states in America" could be more effective if specific examples or statistics were provided to illustrate the argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples and evidence. This could involve citing specific studies or statistics related to gun violence and police presence or discussing case studies from particular regions. Additionally, elaborating on how these factors interrelate would enhance the depth of the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between police carrying guns and societal violence. However, there are moments where the relevance of certain points could be questioned, such as the discussion about "costumes," which seems out of place and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate to the prompt. It may be beneficial to clarify or remove any ambiguous terms and ensure that all arguments directly support the main thesis. A clearer definition of terms and concepts would help maintain relevance throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, but improvements in clarity, depth, and focus would enhance the overall effectiveness and potentially raise the band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with distinct sections for both sides of the debate. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to contrast the viewpoints. However, the transition between the points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the negative impacts of police carrying guns to the reasons why it may not be the main factor could be more clearly delineated. The use of "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps, but further linking phrases could enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using more explicit transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the negative impacts, a phrase like "Conversely" or "In contrast" could help signal the shift to the counterargument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help reinforce the logical flow.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences and a more structured approach to presenting supporting details. The connection between the examples provided and the main argument could be more explicit.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, in the second body paragraph, instead of starting with "One main reason," consider rephrasing it to something like "A significant factor contributing to societal violence is not the presence of armed police, but rather underlying social issues." This approach will provide clearer guidance for the reader and strengthen the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "On the one hand," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but it could be more effectively integrated to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Additionally" to introduce supporting points, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "Conversely" to present contrasting ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "these weapons," you could refer to them as "such arms" or "firearms" in subsequent mentions.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and persuasiveness of the argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "violent tendency," "anxiety," and "compelling reasons" indicating some level of lexical variety. However, the use of phrases such as "as strong polices they have to be" and "not as profound" suggests a limited ability to express complex ideas effectively. The vocabulary choices sometimes lack sophistication and variety, which can detract from the overall quality of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate more varied synonyms and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "violence," consider using "aggression," "hostility," or "criminal behavior." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to law enforcement and societal issues could strengthen the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "these types of equipment" when referring to guns, which could be more accurately described as "firearms" or "weapons." The phrase "the violence in society mainly comes from their costumes" is unclear and likely intended to refer to "cultural norms" or "social conditions." Such inaccuracies can confuse the reader and weaken the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing word choices and considering their connotations and contexts. Utilizing a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives and practicing writing with a focus on clarity can also help.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays correct spelling, but there are a few errors that could impact the overall impression. For instance, "polices" should be "police," as "police" is a collective noun that does not take a plural form. Additionally, "resulting from strict laws and powerful police" could be clearer if rephrased, but spelling itself is not the primary issue here.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should make use of proofreading techniques, such as reading the essay aloud or utilizing spell-check tools. Regular practice with spelling exercises and familiarization with commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, improvements in range, precision, and spelling could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "While I accept that this perception is somewhat justifiable" and "On the one hand, it is understandable that the violent tendency in society can come from police carrying guns to some extent" show effective use of introductory clauses and contrasting structures. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or varied subordinate clauses.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use conditional clauses to express hypothetical situations. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly" repeatedly, the writer could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Moreover," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, practicing the use of conditional sentences (e.g., "If police carry guns, it may lead to…") could add depth to the argument.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are several notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "face with police force carrying weapons" should be "face the police force carrying weapons." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the incorrect use of commas in "as many criminals in society as strong polices they have to be; as a result; they would feel unsafe and be more sensitive," which should be restructured for clarity and proper punctuation. The use of "costumes" instead of "customs" also indicates a lexical error that detracts from the overall quality.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch errors in word choice and sentence structure. Focusing on common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions, will also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules—especially regarding the use of commas and semicolons—will enhance the clarity of complex sentences. Engaging in exercises that focus on these specific areas can lead to more polished writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the score further.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is widely acknowledged that the violence in society can be exacerbated by equipping the police force with firearms. While I accept that this perception is somewhat justifiable, I argue that there are other factors that play an equally significant role in this issue.
On the one hand, it is understandable that the violent tendencies in society may arise from police carrying guns to some extent. Firstly, these weapons may instill anxiety among residents. Despite being professional and carefully trained users, police cannot guarantee no accidents during their operations, and even a minor mistake could result in the loss of life. Consequently, people may become more violent when they face a police force armed with weapons. Secondly, residents often perceive these firearms as a sign of criminality. This is because there are as many criminals in society as there are strong policies; as a result, they may feel unsafe and become more vigilant.
On the other hand, there are compelling reasons why I contend that carrying guns for police is not the primary factor that encourages violence in society. One primary reason is that the violence in society primarily stems from other issues, such as their attire. For example, in some states in America where the use of guns is restricted, violence still prevails due to other problems, such as drug abuse or gang activity. Another reason, which is less significant, is that these types of equipment can actually limit the number of criminals. Resulting from strict laws and a powerful police presence, criminals would be aware that they might risk their lives if they choose to break the law.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that carrying guns can contribute to violence among residents, I argue that these weapons are not the main reason for such violence and can also serve to deter criminals, who are the crucial group causing unrest in society.