Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Nowadays, it is thought that capturing animals in the zoo is unacceptable, whereas others believe that this action is beneficial in terms of entertainment and preservation purposes. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of this issue and later provide my own opinion.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why keeping animals in the zoo is inappropriate. First of all, it causes animals to live in limited space which prevents them from a normal life. When they are excluded from the natural habitat, their instinct can disappear. For example, a lion in the zoo that relies on people for food in a long time can lose its hunting skill . Moreover, it is likely to be more aggressive when adapting to a new lifestyle. Another drawback of this problem is that animals may not be vulnerable to disease because they have to exist in unfavorable weather conditions . Furthermore, in some cases, they may not be well taken care of or even be mistreated to perform in shows to attract tourists.
Despite the negative impact mentioned above, zoos still have certain advantages. The most noticeable positive effect is that zoos offer people a chance to observe wild animals in real life. As a result, they also help us broaden our knowledge about nature. For instance, extracurricular activities organized in zoos can give opportunities for many students to study about animals they like. In addition, keeping animals in zoos will protect them from predators, and the number of animals on the verge of extinction can decrease.
In conclusion, although this action can be beneficial to some cases, its bad effects are not ignored. Therefore, people should find some solution to deal with this problem.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "Currently" maintains the temporal reference while sounding more formal.
"it is thought that capturing animals in the zoo" -> "there is a prevailing belief that capturing animals for zoos"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks specificity and sounds somewhat passive. "There is a prevailing belief that capturing animals for zoos" provides a clearer subject and a more assertive tone.
"whereas others believe that this action is beneficial" -> "while others contend that this practice yields benefits"
Explanation: "Whereas" is slightly informal in academic writing. "While others contend that this practice yields benefits" introduces a more formal structure and vocabulary.
"In this essay, I will discuss both sides of this issue and later provide my own opinion." -> "This essay will explore both perspectives on the matter and subsequently present my viewpoint."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while maintaining the original meaning.
"First of all" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: "First of all" is colloquial; "Primarily" is more appropriate for formal writing.
"When they are excluded from the natural habitat" -> "When removed from their natural habitats"
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly awkward. "When removed from their natural habitats" is more concise and elegant.
"their instinct can disappear" -> "their instincts may diminish"
Explanation: "Can disappear" is overly simplistic. "May diminish" is a more nuanced and precise expression.
"For example, a lion in the zoo that relies on people for food in a long time can lose its hunting skill." -> "For instance, a lion accustomed to receiving food from humans for an extended period may lose its hunting abilities."
Explanation: Clarifying and restructuring the sentence for coherence and formality.
"Moreover, it is likely to be more aggressive when adapting to a new lifestyle." -> "Furthermore, it is prone to increased aggression during adaptation to a novel environment."
Explanation: Enhancing clarity and sophistication by using "prone to" instead of "likely to be," and "novel environment" instead of "new lifestyle."
"Another drawback of this problem is that animals may not be vulnerable to disease because they have to exist in unfavorable weather conditions." -> "Another downside is that animals may be more susceptible to diseases due to their exposure to adverse weather conditions."
Explanation: Correcting the misuse of "not vulnerable" and enhancing clarity and precision.
"Furthermore, in some cases, they may not be well taken care of or even be mistreated to perform in shows to attract tourists." -> "Additionally, in certain instances, they may receive inadequate care or even be subjected to mistreatment for entertainment purposes aimed at attracting tourists."
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and formality, and avoiding the colloquial "well taken care of."
"Despite the negative impact mentioned above, zoos still have certain advantages." -> "Notwithstanding the aforementioned drawbacks, zoos offer distinct benefits."
Explanation: Introducing a more formal transition and using "distinct benefits" for clarity and sophistication.
"The most noticeable positive effect is that zoos offer people a chance to observe wild animals in real life." -> "One prominent benefit is that zoos afford individuals the opportunity to observe wildlife firsthand."
Explanation: Substituting "most noticeable" with "prominent" for formality and restructuring for clarity.
"As a result, they also help us broaden our knowledge about nature." -> "Consequently, they contribute to the expansion of our understanding of the natural world."
Explanation: Rephrasing to improve formality and precision.
"For instance, extracurricular activities organized in zoos can give opportunities for many students to study about animals they like." -> "For example, extracurricular activities held at zoos provide students with opportunities to study animals of interest."
Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity and formality.
"In addition, keeping animals in zoos will protect them from predators, and the number of animals on the verge of extinction can decrease." -> "Moreover, maintaining animals in zoological facilities serves to shield them from predators, potentially mitigating the decline of species nearing extinction."
Explanation: Enhancing formality and precision in the expression of ideas.
"In conclusion, although this action can be beneficial to some cases, its bad effects are not ignored." -> "In conclusion, while acknowledging its potential benefits in certain scenarios, the adverse effects of this practice cannot be overlooked."
Explanation: Restructuring for clarity and formality, and using "adverse effects" instead of "bad effects" for sophistication.
"Therefore, people should find some solution to deal with this problem." -> "Hence, it is imperative that viable solutions be sought to address this issue."
Explanation: Employing a more formal and assertive tone, and replacing "some solution" with "viable solutions" for specificity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives outlined in the prompt. It discusses the arguments against keeping animals in zoos, such as the restriction of their natural behaviors and potential mistreatment, while also acknowledging the benefits of zoos in terms of education and conservation.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or evidence to support each viewpoint. Additionally, ensuring a clear separation between the discussion of each perspective can help to improve clarity and coherence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states at the outset that it will discuss both views and later provide the writer’s opinion. However, the writer’s own stance is not explicitly stated within the body of the essay, making it somewhat ambiguous.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should clearly articulate their own opinion within the essay, ideally in the introduction or conclusion. This will help readers to understand the writer’s position and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents arguments on both sides of the issue and provides some supporting details, such as examples of negative consequences for animals in zoos and the educational benefits of zoos. However, the development of ideas could be strengthened with more detailed examples and further elaboration.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should provide more specific examples and evidence to support each argument. Additionally, expanding on the reasoning behind each point and considering potential counterarguments can help to strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the pros and cons of keeping animals in zoos. However, there are some instances where the focus could be tighter, such as the brief mention of extracurricular activities in zoos, which is somewhat tangential to the main discussion.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points raised directly relate to the topic of whether it is wrong to keep animals in zoos. Avoiding tangential discussions and maintaining a clear connection between each point and the central topic will help to improve coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively presents both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in terms of providing more detailed analysis, articulating a clear position, and maintaining focus throughout the essay. By incorporating these suggestions, the writer can enhance the overall coherence and effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to present both sides of the argument, with a structured introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the organization could be further improved for better coherence. For instance, the introduction sets up the discussion adequately, but the body paragraphs lack a distinct transition between discussing the drawbacks and advantages of zoos. This lack of clear progression may slightly disrupt the logical flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider clearly delineating each side of the argument within separate paragraphs. Use transition phrases or topic sentences to guide the reader through each point. For example, in the body paragraphs, explicitly introduce the drawbacks of zoos in one paragraph, followed by the advantages in another, ensuring a smoother transition between contrasting viewpoints.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, such as the drawbacks or benefits of zoos. However, there is room for improvement in the structure and coherence of the paragraphs.
- How to improve: Aim for a more consistent structure within each paragraph, starting with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Develop each point with supporting evidence or examples, ensuring cohesion within the paragraph. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences to summarize key points and transition smoothly to the next paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("it," "this action"), conjunctions ("although," "despite"), and transition phrases ("on the one hand," "in conclusion"). However, there is limited variety and effectiveness in their usage, which slightly hampers coherence.
- How to improve: Incorporate a broader range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion. Utilize cohesive devices such as parallel structure, synonyms, and transitional adverbs to connect ideas within and between sentences. For instance, vary sentence structures and use cohesive devices more consistently to create a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to strengthen the logical progression of arguments.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the essay prompt and presents coherent arguments, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices can further elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, with varied word choices throughout. For instance, terms like "inappropriate," "vulnerable," "extracurricular activities," and "extinction" showcase lexical diversity. However, there is still room for improvement in terms of incorporating more nuanced and sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the overall quality of expression.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness of the essay, consider integrating more specialized vocabulary related to the discussion of animal welfare, conservation, and ethical considerations. For instance, instead of repeatedly using phrases like "negative impact" or "positive effect," opt for synonyms or more specific terms like "adverse consequences" and "beneficial outcomes." Additionally, strive to include domain-specific terminology relevant to zoology, ecology, and ethics to convey a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, although there are instances of imprecise or repetitive word choices. For example, the phrase "in some cases" is used twice in close proximity, which could be substituted with more precise language to avoid redundancy. Additionally, there are opportunities to replace vague terms like "this action" with more specific nouns or descriptors to enhance clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive to avoid repetition and ambiguous language by opting for more specific and descriptive terms. Instead of using generic phrases like "this action," specify the subject matter to provide greater clarity to the reader. Additionally, consider utilizing synonyms or alternative expressions to avoid redundancy and add depth to the discussion. Thesaurus tools or extensive reading in the topic area can help expand your vocabulary and improve precision in word choice.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally adequate, with only minor errors observed. However, there are a few instances where incorrect spelling detracts from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. For instance, "extracurricular" is misspelled as "extracurricular," and "verge" is incorrectly spelled as "virge."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools and proofreading your writing carefully before submission. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice spelling them correctly. Additionally, reading widely can help internalize correct spelling patterns and reinforce your understanding of spelling rules. If unsure about a word’s spelling, consult reputable dictionaries or online resources for guidance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Simple sentences predominate, while complex structures are less frequent. For example, "On the one hand, there are several reasons why keeping animals in the zoo is inappropriate" presents a complex sentence structure. However, there is a tendency towards repetitive sentence structures, which could diminish the overall effectiveness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to your arguments. For instance, integrating conditional sentences, passive constructions, or relative clauses can diversify the structure and make the essay more engaging to the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, "When they are excluded from the natural habitat, their instinct can disappear" lacks parallelism in verb tense ("are excluded" would be parallel with "can disappear"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Reviewing grammar fundamentals and proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these errors. Utilize resources such as grammar guides or online tools to reinforce grammar rules and practice punctuation skills. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to pinpoint specific areas for improvement and refine your writing mechanics.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, there is a debate surrounding the ethics of confining animals in zoos, while others contend that this practice yields benefits. This essay will explore both perspectives on the matter and subsequently present my viewpoint.

Primarily, there are valid concerns regarding the appropriateness of keeping animals in zoos. Firstly, this practice restricts animals to confined spaces, inhibiting their ability to live a natural life. When removed from their natural habitats, their instincts may diminish. For instance, a lion accustomed to receiving food from humans for an extended period may lose its hunting abilities. Furthermore, it is prone to increased aggression during adaptation to a novel environment. Another downside is that animals may be more susceptible to diseases due to their exposure to adverse weather conditions. Additionally, in certain instances, they may receive inadequate care or even be subjected to mistreatment for entertainment purposes aimed at attracting tourists.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned drawbacks, zoos offer distinct benefits. One prominent benefit is that zoos afford individuals the opportunity to observe wildlife firsthand. Consequently, they contribute to the expansion of our understanding of the natural world. For example, extracurricular activities held at zoos provide students with opportunities to study animals of interest. Moreover, maintaining animals in zoological facilities serves to shield them from predators, potentially mitigating the decline of species nearing extinction.

In conclusion, while acknowledging its potential benefits in certain scenarios, the adverse effects of this practice cannot be overlooked. Hence, it is imperative that viable solutions be sought to address this issue.