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Some people believe that parents should devote more time to helping kids with school work, others think that they should allocate more time to play sports with their kids. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some people believe that parents should devote more time to helping kids with school work, others think that they should allocate more time to play sports with their kids. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Modern society has changed the way of life for many people around the world. This leads to a more competitive society, especially in the workplace. Therefore, many parents ended up neglecting their children. Some people argue that parents should spend their spare time helping their kids with school work, while others think it is more important to do outdoor activities together. In this essay, I will discuss both arguments and why I think it is important to do both.

Nowadays, schools have high standards for their students, with the notion that students should prepare in advance before they can dive into society. This is an undeniable fact that students from prestigious schools have more capability than those in standard schools. However, there are some drawbacks that parents may not be aware of. For instance, some students may not actually be capable to follow the school system and eventually become left behind by their friends. This will become a problem later, especially in their mental health when they repetitively think they are not good enough. Therefore, parents should give more attention to their children in doing their schoolwork, without giving them prejudice.

On the other hand, for some students, continuously studying can be tiresome. Doing outdoor activities such as swimming, playing basketball, or soccer with their loved ones may be something that can lessen their burden. In addition, physical activities have been proven to improve health, both physical and mental. Researchers believe that children who spent more time in cardiopulmonary exercise have higher grades than those who did not. Hence, adults should play sports with their kids at least once a week.

In conclusion, parents should pay more attention to their kids' upbringing if they want their children to be excellent in many ways. It is also important for students to balance schoolwork and physical activities.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Modern society has changed the way of life for many people around the world. This leads to a more competitive society, especially in the workplace." -> "Contemporary society has transformed the lifestyles of individuals worldwide, fostering increased competitiveness, particularly within the professional realm."
    Explanation: Replacing "Modern society" with "Contemporary society" and rephrasing the subsequent sentence enhances formality and clarity, while the alternative phrase "transformed the lifestyles" adds depth and specificity.

  2. "Therefore, many parents ended up neglecting their children." -> "Consequently, numerous parents find themselves inadvertently neglecting their children."
    Explanation: Substituting "ended up" with "find themselves inadvertently" maintains the causal relationship more precisely and introduces a more formal tone.

  3. "Some people argue that parents should spend their spare time helping their kids with school work, while others think it is more important to do outdoor activities together." -> "Opinions diverge on whether parents should allocate their free time assisting their children with academic endeavors or prioritize engaging in outdoor activities together."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce more formal language and structure to the sentence while maintaining clarity.

  4. "In this essay, I will discuss both arguments and why I think it is important to do both." -> "This essay will explore both perspectives and elucidate the significance of embracing both aspects."
    Explanation: The revised version eliminates redundancy and introduces a more direct and concise expression of the essay’s purpose.

  5. "Nowadays, schools have high standards for their students, with the notion that students should prepare in advance before they can dive into society." -> "In contemporary times, educational institutions uphold rigorous standards, emphasizing the necessity for students to adequately prepare before integrating into society."
    Explanation: The substitution of "Nowadays" with "In contemporary times" and the rephrasing enhance formality and precision.

  6. "This is an undeniable fact that students from prestigious schools have more capability than those in standard schools." -> "It is an incontrovertible reality that students attending prestigious schools demonstrate greater proficiency than their counterparts in standard educational institutions."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce more formal language and eliminate redundancy, enhancing the clarity of the statement.

  7. "However, there are some drawbacks that parents may not be aware of." -> "Nevertheless, there are certain disadvantages that parents may overlook."
    Explanation: The replacement of "drawbacks" with "disadvantages" and the adjustment of phrasing contribute to a more formal and concise expression.

  8. "For instance, some students may not actually be capable to follow the school system and eventually become left behind by their friends." -> "For instance, certain students may lack the capacity to effectively navigate the school system, eventually resulting in social isolation."
    Explanation: The revised version introduces more precise language and improves the flow of the sentence.

  9. "This will become a problem later, especially in their mental health when they repetitively think they are not good enough." -> "This can manifest as a later issue, particularly impacting their mental well-being as they persistently perceive themselves as inadequate."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the precision of expression and formalize the language.

  10. "Therefore, parents should give more attention to their children in doing their schoolwork, without giving them prejudice." -> "Hence, parents should devote increased attention to their children’s academic pursuits, avoiding any form of bias."
    Explanation: The alternative phrasing maintains clarity while introducing more formal language and eliminating ambiguity.

  11. "On the other hand, for some students, continuously studying can be tiresome." -> "Conversely, continuous academic engagement can become tiresome for certain students."
    Explanation: The recommended changes introduce a more formal transition and enhance the precision of expression.

  12. "Doing outdoor activities such as swimming, playing basketball, or soccer with their loved ones may be something that can lessen their burden." -> "Engaging in outdoor activities like swimming, basketball, or soccer with their loved ones may serve as a means to alleviate their burdens."
    Explanation: The revised version improves formality and clarity while maintaining the intended meaning.

  13. "In addition, physical activities have been proven to improve health, both physical and mental." -> "Moreover, scientific evidence attests to the positive impact of physical activities on overall health, encompassing both physical and mental well-being."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce more formal language and specify the scope of health improvement.

  14. "Researchers believe that children who spent more time in cardiopulmonary exercise have higher grades than those who did not." -> "Researchers posit that children who engage in more cardiopulmonary exercise exhibit higher academic performance compared to their less active counterparts."
    Explanation: The revised version improves precision and introduces a more formal expression.

  15. "Hence, adults should play sports with their kids at least once a week." -> "Therefore, it is advisable for adults to participate in sports with their children on a weekly basis."
    Explanation: The replacement of "Hence" with "Therefore" and the rephrasing contribute to a more formal tone.

  16. "In conclusion, parents should pay more attention to their kids’ upbringing if they want their children to be excellent in many ways." -> "In conclusion, prioritizing a comprehensive approach to their children’s upbringing is essential for fostering excellence in various aspects."
    Explanation: The revised version introduces more formal language and specifies the comprehensive nature of the suggested approach.

  17. "It is also important for students to balance schoolwork and physical activities." -> "Moreover, students should strive to strike a balance between academic commitments and physical pursuits."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision while maintaining the key message.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of parents helping with school work and allocating time for outdoor activities. The introduction clearly outlines the intention to explore both views.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both views, providing more depth and specific examples for each perspective could enhance the overall analysis. Ensure that every point made contributes directly to addressing both components of the question.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing the importance of both helping with school work and engaging in outdoor activities. The writer’s opinion is effectively communicated.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider explicitly stating the writer’s opinion in the introduction or conclusion, providing a roadmap for the reader and reinforcing the clarity of the stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas. For instance, it provides specific examples of the potential negative consequences of neglecting school work and highlights the benefits of physical activities.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s development, consider providing more detailed examples and elaboration on the benefits of both perspectives. This could involve exploring real-life scenarios or citing relevant studies to bolster the presented ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing both aspects of the prompt. However, some instances, such as the mention of society becoming more competitive, might slightly deviate from the core theme.
    • How to improve: To maintain a more focused discussion, avoid broader societal observations that do not directly contribute to the exploration of parents’ involvement in school work and sports. Ensure that every point made directly relates to the given prompt.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic. To further improve, the writer should aim for more in-depth analysis, explicit expression of their opinion, and careful attention to relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. Each paragraph follows a coherent structure, presenting arguments and supporting details in a logical sequence. For instance, the introduction introduces the topic, the body paragraphs elaborate on the two perspectives, and the conclusion summarizes the key points.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing more explicit transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Connect sentences more explicitly to guide the reader smoothly through the essay. This will strengthen the overall flow and coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could benefit from greater development and depth, particularly in the second body paragraph where the potential drawbacks of focusing solely on academics are introduced.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is fully developed with supporting details and examples. In the second body paragraph, provide more context and specific instances to bolster the argument and make it more convincing.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words (e.g., "Nowadays," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns (e.g., "this," "these," "it"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence and help guide the reader through the essay.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used adequately, consider diversifying the range and type of connectors. Introduce a mix of conjunctions, adverbs, and other cohesive devices to add nuance and sophistication to the essay’s structure. This will elevate the overall cohesion and make the connections between ideas even clearer.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderately wide range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "competitive society," "prestigious schools," "repetitively," and "cardiopulmonary exercise." However, there is room for improvement as certain concepts are expressed with repetitive language, and some points lack specific and varied vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider introducing more diverse synonyms and specific terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "schoolwork," explore alternatives like "academic responsibilities" or "educational tasks." Additionally, diversify the language used to discuss the competitive nature of society and mental health concerns.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs precise vocabulary, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For instance, the term "cardiopulmonary exercise" might be too technical for a general audience, and using "repetitively" could be replaced with a more straightforward term like "continuously." Ensure that specialized terms are necessary and clear to the reader.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Simplify technical terms or provide explanations when using them. For instance, instead of "repetitively," consider using "continuously" or "persistently" for clarity and simplicity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, with only minor issues such as "cardiopulmonary" and possible typographical errors like "repetitively." These do not significantly impact overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Continue to prioritize careful proofreading to catch any minor spelling errors or typographical mistakes. Additionally, consider using a varied range of vocabulary to minimize reliance on certain terms and avoid potential misspellings or repetitive language.

In summary, the essay exhibits a reasonably good command of vocabulary, but improvements can be made by diversifying and refining the choice of words, ensuring precision, and maintaining consistent attention to spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used to convey ideas. For instance, the introduction contains a compound sentence, and throughout the essay, there is an attempt to vary structures. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated sentence structures, such as complex sentences with embedded clauses, to enhance the overall fluency and complexity of the writing.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentence structures. For example, instead of relying solely on basic sentence structures, try integrating subordinate clauses or using more advanced sentence constructions. This will add depth to your writing and contribute to a more nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are grammatically correct, and punctuation is appropriately applied. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical errors. For instance, in the sentence "This is an undeniable fact that students from prestigious schools have more capability than those in standard schools," the phrasing is a bit awkward, and there is a minor grammatical issue. Additionally, there are some punctuation marks missing or incorrectly used, such as the comma after "Nowadays" in the first paragraph.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure to avoid awkward phrasing. Proofread for missing or incorrectly placed punctuation marks. For instance, review the use of commas, ensuring they are appropriately placed to aid clarity and readability. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch and rectify these minor errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competency in grammatical range and accuracy, further refinement in sentence structures and meticulous proofreading for grammatical nuances would contribute to an even more polished piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Contemporary society has transformed the lifestyles of individuals worldwide, fostering increased competitiveness, particularly within the professional realm. Consequently, numerous parents find themselves inadvertently neglecting their children. Opinions diverge on whether parents should allocate their free time assisting their children with academic endeavors or prioritize engaging in outdoor activities together. This essay will explore both perspectives and elucidate the significance of embracing both aspects.

In contemporary times, educational institutions uphold rigorous standards, emphasizing the necessity for students to adequately prepare before integrating into society. It is an incontrovertible reality that students attending prestigious schools demonstrate greater proficiency than their counterparts in standard educational institutions. Nevertheless, there are certain disadvantages that parents may overlook. For instance, certain students may lack the capacity to effectively navigate the school system, eventually resulting in social isolation. This can manifest as a later issue, particularly impacting their mental well-being as they persistently perceive themselves as inadequate. Hence, parents should devote increased attention to their children’s academic pursuits, avoiding any form of bias.

Conversely, continuous academic engagement can become tiresome for certain students. Engaging in outdoor activities like swimming, basketball, or soccer with their loved ones may serve as a means to alleviate their burdens. Moreover, scientific evidence attests to the positive impact of physical activities on overall health, encompassing both physical and mental well-being. Researchers posit that children who engage in more cardiopulmonary exercise exhibit higher academic performance compared to their less active counterparts. Therefore, it is advisable for adults to participate in sports with their children on a weekly basis.

In conclusion, prioritizing a comprehensive approach to their children’s upbringing is essential for fostering excellence in various aspects. Moreover, students should strive to strike a balance between academic commitments and physical pursuits.

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