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Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

A school of thought holds that professional athletes play a prominent role as they are positive models that inspiring young individuals while the alternative stance asserts that the athletes’ behaviour have a great deal of negative influences on the whole. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I agree with the former view.
On the one hand, proponents of the view that athletes’ behaviour is harmful tend to point out a combination of reasons. Firstly, many of professional and talented athletes get into crimes even though they are idolized by a huge fan base. One such example of this phenomenon is Paul Pogba, who was a football star and World Cup winner in 2018, he has been suspended after testing positive for a banned substance. If fans saw that article, especially young fans, they would commit the same crime as they may attempt to imitate their idol. Furthermore, in light of the hyper-competitive nature of sports, some hot-tempered athletes may exacerbate their behaviour on-field which cause an negative impact on juvenile fans.
On the other hand, there are those who ascertain that professional athletes serve as positive role models. In order to become not only a talented but also well-paid athletes, they have to obtain the qualities of dedication, perseverance and resilience which all of them are essential to have a successful career. To prove, Lebron James, a basketball legend, showcases his persistence and dedication to overcome every challenge and to become the greatest of all time in basketball, which incentivize thousands of young fans to achieve greatness. Additionally, Francesco Totti, an iconic Italian former footballer, was famous for his loyalty, he spent his entire career at Roma whereas there were many appealing invitations of teams that willing to have him in their roster. His leadership qualities had led the team to win the Serie A title, aspiring and encouraging fans to accquire the precious value of loyalty.
In conclusion, in my perspective, I strongly agree with the statement that some professional athletes make good models for young individuals. However, as those mentioned drawbacks, it is paramount to balance between admiration and critical thinking.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "positive models that inspiring" -> "positive role models who inspire"
    Explanation: Replacing "positive models that inspiring" with "positive role models who inspire" corrects the subject-verb agreement and uses a more appropriate term ("role models") for a formal tone.

  2. "the athletes’ behaviour have" -> "the behavior of athletes has"
    Explanation: Changing "the athletes’ behaviour have" to "the behavior of athletes has" improves the subject-verb agreement and uses a more precise word choice ("behavior").

  3. "contentious argument and then explain" -> "contentious argument and subsequently explain"
    Explanation: Replacing "and then" with "and subsequently" maintains a more formal and structured flow in the sentence.

  4. "tend to point out a combination of reasons" -> "tend to cite a variety of reasons"
    Explanation: Substituting "point out a combination of reasons" with "cite a variety of reasons" results in a more academic and precise expression.

  5. "get into crimes" -> "engage in criminal activities"
    Explanation: Replacing "get into crimes" with "engage in criminal activities" uses more formal language and specifies the nature of the actions.

  6. "they would commit the same crime" -> "they might emulate the same behavior"
    Explanation: Changing "they would commit the same crime" to "they might emulate the same behavior" avoids using the word "crime" and introduces a more formal term, "emulate."

  7. "exacerbate their behaviour on-field which cause an negative impact" -> "exacerbate their on-field behavior, causing a negative impact"
    Explanation: Revising "exacerbate their behaviour on-field which cause an negative impact" to "exacerbate their on-field behavior, causing a negative impact" improves sentence structure and eliminates the subject-verb agreement issue.

  8. "ascertain that professional athletes serve as positive role models" -> "assert that professional athletes serve as positive role models"
    Explanation: Correcting "ascertain" to "assert" ensures the use of the appropriate word in a formal context.

  9. "qualities of dedication, perseverance and resilience which all of them are essential" -> "qualities of dedication, perseverance, and resilience, all of which are essential"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "qualities of dedication, perseverance, and resilience, all of which are essential" enhances clarity and maintains a formal style.

  10. "To prove, Lebron James" -> "For example, LeBron James"
    Explanation: Replacing "To prove" with "For example" introduces a more academically appropriate transition between the statement and the example.

  11. "he spent his entire career at Roma" -> "he spent his entire career with AS Roma"
    Explanation: Clarifying "at Roma" to "with AS Roma" provides more precise information regarding Francesco Totti’s career.

  12. "accquire the precious value of loyalty" -> "acquire the valuable trait of loyalty"
    Explanation: Changing "accquire the precious value of loyalty" to "acquire the valuable trait of loyalty" improves the wording and maintains a formal tone.

  13. "In conclusion, in my perspective" -> "In conclusion, from my perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "in my perspective" with "from my perspective" is a more formal way to introduce a personal viewpoint.

  14. "those mentioned drawbacks" -> "the aforementioned drawbacks"
    Explanation: Substituting "those mentioned drawbacks" with "the aforementioned drawbacks" uses a more formal term for clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both sides of the argument – the belief that professional athletes serve as positive role models and the argument that their behavior has a negative influence. The introduction sets up the debate, and the conclusion provides a clear opinion.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect further, the essay could include more specific examples and elaborate on the negative influences of athletes’ behavior, as well as provide more nuanced arguments for both sides.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. It starts by presenting both perspectives but ultimately states the author’s agreement with the view that professional athletes make good role models.
    • How to improve: To strengthen this aspect, the essay could emphasize its position by reiterating it in the body paragraphs and summarizing it in the conclusion. Additionally, providing more compelling reasons for the chosen stance would enhance clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides examples like Paul Pogba, Lebron James, and Francesco Totti to illustrate points and uses specific qualities such as dedication, perseverance, and loyalty to bolster arguments.
    • How to improve: To improve further, the essay could delve deeper into the examples and provide more specific instances of how these athletes have positively or negatively influenced young people. Expanding on the argumentation with more specific details would make the essay even stronger.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of professional athletes on young people. However, there is a minor issue with grammar and expression in the sentence "as those mentioned drawbacks, it is paramount to balance between admiration and critical thinking."
    • How to improve: To stay entirely on topic, the essay should ensure that each point and example directly relates to the influence of athletes on young people. The concluding sentence could also be rephrased for better clarity and precision.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses all checklist items. To improve the essay further, it could benefit from more specific examples, deeper analysis of the presented ideas, and better grammar and expression in certain parts.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that presents both sides of the argument and states the author’s position. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, addressing the negative influence of athletes’ behavior first and then the positive role models they can be.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to explicitly state the author’s position. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to create a more cohesive flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids in clarity and organization.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, maintain a consistent topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly introduce the main point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a smooth transition from the previous one to create a seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" help signal shifts in argumentation.
    • How to improve: Continue using cohesive devices as you have done, but be cautious not to overuse certain phrases like "In conclusion." Diversify your transitional expressions to maintain reader engagement and clarity.

Overall, this essay presents a well-organized and logically structured argument with effective paragraphing and the use of cohesive devices. To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider the suggestions mentioned, especially in terms of providing a clearer thesis statement and diversifying transitional expressions. Keep up the good work!

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. While it includes words and phrases related to the topic, such as "positive models," "negative influences," "idolized," "dedication," "perseverance," and "resilience," the essay could benefit from the use of more advanced vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To expand your vocabulary range, consider incorporating more nuanced and contextually appropriate synonyms or alternatives. For example, instead of repeatedly using the word "positive," you could employ terms like "inspirational," "uplifting," or "exemplary." This will make your essay more engaging and showcase your lexical prowess.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "a combination of reasons" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with a more specific term like "a variety of factors." Additionally, in the sentence, "One such example of this phenomenon is Paul Pogba," the term "phenomenon" doesn’t precisely capture the situation; "incident" or "case" might be more suitable.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, pay attention to the context and choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Thesauruses and dictionaries can be valuable tools for finding more accurate synonyms. Review and revise your essay carefully to ensure that each word used contributes to clarity and precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with very few noticeable spelling errors. However, there are a few instances where spelling could be improved, such as "accquire" (acquire), "incentivize" (encourage), and "accquire" (acquire). These errors, though infrequent, can detract from the overall quality of your writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spelling and grammar checkers, proofreading your work meticulously, and expanding your vocabulary to reduce the likelihood of misspelling less common words. Additionally, reading extensively can help you internalize correct spelling patterns and improve your overall writing quality.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, but there is room for enhancement in terms of both variety and precision. Paying attention to these aspects can help elevate your writing and potentially lead to an even higher score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. The majority of sentences follow a similar structure, which can make the writing seem somewhat repetitive. For example, there’s a tendency to begin many sentences with "In addition" or "Furthermore," which can become monotonous.
    • How to improve: To enhance sentence structure variety, consider using different sentence types, such as interrogative (questions) or imperative (commands). Additionally, vary the way you connect ideas within sentences; don’t rely solely on conjunctions like "and," "but," or "while." Experiment with appositives, participial phrases, or inverted sentence structures to add depth to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few notable errors. For instance, "models" should be "role models," "acquire" should be spelled correctly as "acquire," and "behaviour" should be consistently spelled either as "behavior" or "behaviour" throughout the essay. There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "as they are positive models that inspiring young individuals," where the verb tense and structure are not quite correct.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread your work for common errors like subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Pay attention to articles (e.g., "a" vs. "an"), pluralization, and verb forms. Consider seeking assistance from writing resources or a native English speaker to help identify and correct such issues.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a competent command of grammar and sentence structures, but to achieve a higher band score, work on introducing more sentence variety and ensuring consistent grammatical accuracy. Additionally, be cautious of repetitive phrases and awkward phrasing to make your writing more polished.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals hold the belief that professional athletes serve as positive role models who inspire young people, while others argue that the behavior of athletes, both on and off the field, has a negative influence. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and subsequently explain why I agree with the former view.

On one hand, proponents of the view that athletes’ behavior is harmful tend to cite a variety of reasons. Firstly, many talented and professional athletes engage in criminal activities, even though they are idolized by a large fan base. One such example of this phenomenon is Paul Pogba, a football star and World Cup winner in 2018, who was suspended after testing positive for a banned substance. If fans, especially young ones, were to see such incidents, they might emulate the same behavior, attempting to imitate their idol. Furthermore, due to the highly competitive nature of sports, some hot-tempered athletes may exacerbate their on-field behavior, causing a negative impact on juvenile fans.

On the other hand, there are those who assert that professional athletes serve as positive role models. In order to become not only talented but also well-paid athletes, they have to acquire the valuable qualities of dedication, perseverance, and resilience, all of which are essential for a successful career. For example, LeBron James, a basketball legend, showcases his persistence and dedication in overcoming every challenge to become the greatest of all time in basketball. This serves as an inspiration for thousands of young fans to strive for greatness. Additionally, Francesco Totti, an iconic Italian former footballer, was famous for his loyalty, as he spent his entire career with AS Roma, despite numerous enticing offers from other teams. His leadership qualities led the team to win the Serie A title, inspiring and encouraging fans to value loyalty.

In conclusion, from my perspective, I strongly agree with the assertion that some professional athletes serve as positive role models for young individuals. However, it is crucial to acknowledge the aforementioned drawbacks and strike a balance between admiration and critical thinking.

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