Some people believe that professionals, such as doctors and engineers, should be required to work in the country where they did their training. Others believe they should be free to work in another country if they wish
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
In recent years, there has been an increase in the number of individuals avoiding to visit the doctor and turning to alternative medicines and treatments. This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors of this tendency before concluding this is, indeed, a discouraging movement.
On the one hand, people are more likely to use alternative medicines could be advantageous to a certain extent. First and foremost, this could tighten their budget. This perception could be clarified by the fact that alternative medicines, including herbal and supplement products, seem to be affordable and easy to use. Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could bestow benefits upon users’s overall well-being. Specifically, the body will increase the amount of dopamine, which is a happy hormone that helps people improve their condition health. This is a precursor to get out of sickness quickly.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned advantages, there are a host of reasons as to why I am convinced that people should visit their doctor instead of self-curing. One key rationale in favor of this view is that professionals have ample knowledge about the world of health. This is because those who graduated from health school have to experience at least five years with strict regulations. Thus they have a comprehensive understanding of each illness. Another rationale is that self-curing could have an adverse bearing on their health. For example, if one individual gets external injuries simultaneously with infection, most people have the insight that no using antibiotics because afraid of the anti-antibiotics situation. In terms of professional views, if they do not use antibiotics, their would could not recover.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that using supplement products and exercising could deaden one part of the situation of sickness, I would contend the disadvantages of this trend are weigher than its advantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"avoiding to visit the doctor" -> "avoiding visiting the doctor"
Explanation: Using the gerund form "visiting" instead of "to visit" is more grammatically correct and aligns better with formal language.
"this is, indeed, a discouraging movement" -> "this, indeed, represents a concerning trend"
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains the emphasis on the negative nature of the trend while using more formal language and eliminating unnecessary repetition.
"people are more likely to use alternative medicines could be advantageous" -> "individuals are more inclined to turn to alternative medicines, which may have certain advantages"
Explanation: The suggested change introduces a clearer structure and more precise language, avoiding the awkward phrasing of the original sentence.
"This perception could be clarified by the fact that" -> "This assertion is supported by the fact that"
Explanation: The replacement enhances formality and clarity by using a stronger term, "assertion," and connecting it more smoothly to the supporting fact.
"treatments such as exercise or yoga could bestow benefits upon users’s overall well-being" -> "therapies like exercise or yoga can confer benefits on the overall well-being of individuals"
Explanation: The alternative phrasing employs more formal language and enhances precision by using "therapies" and "confer benefits."
"users’s overall well-being" -> "users’ overall well-being"
Explanation: Correcting the possessive form by changing "users’s" to "users’" adheres to proper punctuation rules.
"Specifically, the body will increase the amount of dopamine, which is a happy hormone that helps people improve their condition health" -> "Specifically, the body will increase the production of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with positive emotions, contributing to an enhanced state of health"
Explanation: The improved version provides a more detailed and accurate explanation, avoiding redundancy and using terminology more fitting for academic writing.
"This is a precursor to get out of sickness quickly" -> "This serves as a precursor to recovering from illness more rapidly"
Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more formal expression, "recovering from illness," and improves the clarity and flow of the sentence.
"Notwithstanding the aforementioned advantages" -> "However, despite the aforementioned advantages"
Explanation: The replacement enhances formality and ensures a smoother transition to the subsequent argument.
"I am convinced that people should visit their doctor instead of self-curing" -> "I firmly believe that individuals should seek medical attention rather than attempting self-cure"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses stronger language ("firmly believe") and replaces the colloquial term "self-curing" with the more formal "attempting self-cure."
"those who graduated from health school" -> "those who graduated from medical school"
Explanation: Using "medical school" is more precise and aligns with common academic terminology.
"have to experience at least five years with strict regulations" -> "have undergone a rigorous training period of at least five years"
Explanation: The suggested change uses more formal language and clarifies the meaning of "experience" in the context of professional training.
"adverse bearing on their health" -> "negative impact on their health"
Explanation: The replacement phrase is more formal and conveys the negative consequences more clearly.
"most people have the insight that no using antibiotics" -> "most individuals understand the importance of not abstaining from antibiotics"
Explanation: The improved version uses "abstaining from" instead of "no using" for better clarity and formality.
"their would could not recover" -> "their wound could not recover"
Explanation: Correcting the typo by changing "would" to "wound" ensures accuracy in the sentence.
"using supplement products and exercising could deaden one part of the situation of sickness" -> "relying on supplement products and exercise may alleviate certain aspects of the health condition"
Explanation: The suggested change uses more formal language ("relying on") and provides a more accurate expression for the intended meaning.
"the disadvantages of this trend are weigher than its advantages" -> "the drawbacks of this trend outweigh its benefits"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more formal term ("outweigh") and ensures conciseness and clarity in expressing the comparative relationship between disadvantages and advantages.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the two views presented in the prompt but lacks a clear personal opinion. The analysis of the driving factors behind the tendency to avoid doctors is relevant, but the conclusion is abrupt and does not explicitly present the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should explicitly state the author’s opinion on whether professionals should be required to work in the country of their training and provide a more nuanced conclusion that considers both views.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position throughout, favoring the idea that people should visit their doctors. However, the lack of a clear personal opinion in the conclusion weakens the overall stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author should clearly state their opinion in the conclusion and ensure that each paragraph reinforces their chosen stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For instance, the discussion of alternative medicines lacks depth, and the examples provided are not well-elaborated. The essay would benefit from more specific details and examples to bolster its points.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the author should provide more specific examples and elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages of both views. This will strengthen the overall argument and provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two views presented in the prompt and providing some analysis. However, there are instances of unclear or irrelevant statements, such as the discussion of dopamine and an abrupt conclusion.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid introducing tangential points and ensure that every paragraph contributes directly to the discussion of the prompt. Additionally, the conclusion should tie back to the main arguments presented in the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, improvements in addressing all parts of the question, maintaining a clear position, providing extended and supported ideas, and staying on topic will contribute to a more cohesive and effective essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved. For instance, the introduction is more focused on the increase in individuals avoiding doctors, but the body paragraphs delve into the advantages and disadvantages of alternative medicines. This transition could be smoother to maintain a more coherent structure.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider aligning the introduction more closely with the subsequent body paragraphs. Clearly outline the structure of the essay in the introduction to provide a roadmap for the reader. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next by using transition sentences.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different points, but the structure within the paragraphs could be refined. For example, the second paragraph is lengthy and covers multiple subpoints, which may confuse the reader. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea and develop it cohesively.
- How to improve: Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a specific point. This will make the content more digestible for the reader. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, and ensure that the supporting sentences provide cohesive and relevant details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "Notwithstanding the aforementioned advantages," "In conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be enhanced to improve overall coherence. Additionally, the connection between sentences and ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened.
- How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions and linking words, to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Ensure that each paragraph’s content logically connects to the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative. Consider using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, reinforcing the coherence of the text.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "advantageous," "precursor," and "weigher," but it lacks consistency and at times, the language appears repetitive, affecting the overall impression.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, incorporate more precise and contextually appropriate synonyms. Avoid repetition, and strive for diversity in word choice. For instance, explore synonyms for common words like "advantageous" or "convinced" to enrich the expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally clear, but there are instances where imprecise terms or awkward phrases are employed. For example, "advantageous to a certain extent" could be refined for clarity, and "deaden one part of the situation of sickness" is unclear and might be misleading.
- How to improve: Aim for precision in language by choosing words with exact meanings. Consider the context carefully, and if a term seems ambiguous, replace it with a more precise alternative. For instance, instead of "deaden," use terms like "alleviate" or "mitigate."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate, but there are instances of minor errors, such as "would" instead of "wound," "have the insight that no using antibiotics" instead of "have the insight that not using antibiotics."
- How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch these minor errors. Additionally, consider reading the essay aloud, as this can help identify spelling and grammatical issues. Paying attention to such details will contribute to a more polished final product.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of consistency, precision, and attention to detail. Addressing these aspects will likely contribute to an overall enhancement in the lexical resource, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4.5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. There is a consistent use of simple and compound sentences, with occasional attempts at complex structures. For instance, there’s an effort to use conditional sentences ("if one individual gets external injuries simultaneously with infection"), but these are not seamlessly integrated into the overall structure. Variety in sentence structures could enhance the fluency and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences or varying the lengths of sentences. Introduce conditional sentences more naturally, ensuring they integrate seamlessly with the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For example, "in recent years" should be followed by a comma, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("using alternative medicines could be advantageous") and word choice ("deaden" instead of "diminish"). Additionally, there are problems with articles ("the disadvantages of this trend are weigher"), and the use of vocabulary could be more precise ("have an adverse bearing" could be expressed more clearly).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Review the appropriate use of words in context, and consider a more varied and precise vocabulary. Also, proofread the essay for punctuation errors, ensuring proper placement of commas and addressing issues such as word choice and agreement.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic, improvement in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy is necessary to achieve a higher band score. Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills to elevate the overall quality of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent times, there has been a growing tendency among individuals to avoid visiting doctors and instead explore alternative medicines and treatments. This essay aims to explore the factors driving this trend before asserting that it is indeed a concerning development.
On one hand, there are perceived advantages to individuals turning to alternative medicines. Primarily, this may be driven by financial considerations, as alternative treatments, such as herbal remedies and supplements, are often viewed as more affordable and accessible. Additionally, practices like exercise or yoga can contribute positively to users’ overall well-being. Specifically, the body’s increased production of dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to positive emotions, can enhance one’s state of health, serving as a precursor to a quicker recovery from illness.
However, despite these potential benefits, I firmly believe that seeking medical attention is preferable to attempting self-cure. One compelling reason for this perspective is the extensive knowledge that medical professionals possess. Those who have graduated from medical school undergo a rigorous training period of at least five years, providing them with a comprehensive understanding of various illnesses. Another crucial consideration is that self-curing may have a negative impact on one’s health. For instance, avoiding antibiotics due to concerns about their side effects can impede the recovery of wounds, especially when infections are involved.
In conclusion, while alternative treatments like supplements and exercise may address certain aspects of health conditions, I contend that the drawbacks of this trend outweigh its benefits. Seeking professional medical attention remains essential for a comprehensive and effective approach to healthcare.