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Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Physical activities are believed to play a pivotal role in student life, and the way sport becomes a compulsory subject might enhance children's habitat. These issues have sparked considerable public debate, however, which we will discuss here.

On the one hand, the problem with such leisure activities is that sport is a waste of time since time could be better spent on academic activities. As an illustration, by making a lot of efforts during a lesson or an exam, undergraduates could at least see whether the futures are reached or not. It might also be said that, if this time was invested on practicing and studying, the students would achieve better grades and better learning prospects.

Furthermore, mandatory sport at school's objectors also add that since teachers might give strenuous exercises to those that are not really into physical activities, pupils would be exhausted and run out of energy before a class started, leading to bad studied quality.

Conversely, it might be said that if scholars are energetic and healthy, their study time would be more efficient, leading to higher levels of learning results and grade. For instance, our brain functions are boosted while exercising which might be helpful for long-term memories. Furthermore, the life balance of the student would hopefully be improved especially during puberty because their leisure time would be more fulfilling. Particularly, fitness programmes might prevent some depressed cases that most teenagers get from toxic social media contents by spending hours and hours in front of the screen. Finally, since children's height and health are of great concern, especially for Asian, it is significant to have P.E lessons during the important stage of development in order to build their physical strength.

In conclusion, it seems that, while participating in mental activities are superficially attractive, the lack of sports at school is a substantial drawback. Having only academic works would appear to be a better use for those who have the awareness of daily exercise.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the way sport becomes a compulsory subject" -> "how sports become a mandatory subject"
    Explanation: "The way sport becomes" is informal and less precise. Replacing it with "how sports become" maintains formality and clarity in academic writing.

  2. "children’s habitat" -> "children’s development"
    Explanation: "Habitat" is an inappropriate term in this context. Replacing it with "children’s development" accurately conveys the intended meaning in a more academic manner.

  3. "considerable public debate, however, which we will discuss here" -> "significant public discourse, a topic we will delve into in this discussion"
    Explanation: "Considerable public debate, however, which we will discuss here" is redundant and lacks clarity. Replacing it with "significant public discourse, a topic we will delve into in this discussion" maintains formality and improves precision.

  4. "the problem with such leisure activities is that sport is a waste of time" -> "a concern with such extracurricular activities is that sports may be considered time-consuming"
    Explanation: "The problem with such leisure activities is that sport is a waste of time" is too direct and informal. Replacing it with "a concern with such extracurricular activities is that sports may be considered time-consuming" provides a more nuanced and formal expression.

  5. "efforts during a lesson or an exam" -> "efforts during a class or an examination"
    Explanation: "Efforts during a lesson or an exam" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "efforts during a class or an examination" maintains formality and is more appropriate for academic writing.

  6. "futures are reached or not" -> "learning objectives are achieved or not"
    Explanation: "Futures are reached or not" is unclear and informal. Replacing it with "learning objectives are achieved or not" is more precise and formal.

  7. "might also be said that" -> "it can also be argued that"
    Explanation: "Might also be said that" is less formal. Replacing it with "it can also be argued that" enhances formality and academic tone.

  8. "strenuous exercises" -> "rigorous exercises"
    Explanation: "Strenuous exercises" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "rigorous exercises" maintains formality while conveying the intensity of the exercises.

  9. "bad studied quality" -> "poor study quality"
    Explanation: "Bad studied quality" is grammatically incorrect and informal. Replacing it with "poor study quality" corrects the error and improves formality.

  10. "scholars are energetic and healthy" -> "students are energetic and in good health"
    Explanation: "Scholars" is a more formal term, but in this context, "students" is more appropriate. Replacing it with "students are energetic and in good health" maintains formality and clarity.

  11. "leading to higher levels of learning results and grade" -> "resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades"
    Explanation: "Leading to higher levels of learning results and grade" is awkward. Replacing it with "resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades" improves clarity and formality.

  12. "our brain functions are boosted while exercising" -> "cognitive functions are enhanced during exercise"
    Explanation: "Our brain functions are boosted while exercising" is less formal. Replacing it with "cognitive functions are enhanced during exercise" maintains formality and precision.

  13. "leisure time would be more fulfilling" -> "recreational time would be more enriching"
    Explanation: "Leisure time would be more fulfilling" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "recreational time would be more enriching" maintains formality and conveys a similar meaning.

  14. "depressed cases" -> "instances of depression"
    Explanation: "Depressed cases" is informal. Replacing it with "instances of depression" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  15. "especially for Asian" -> "particularly for individuals of Asian descent"
    Explanation: "Especially for Asian" is imprecise. Replacing it with "particularly for individuals of Asian descent" provides more specificity and formality.

  16. "it is significant to have P.E lessons" -> "it is crucial to include physical education lessons"
    Explanation: "It is significant to have P.E lessons" is less formal. Replacing it with "it is crucial to include physical education lessons" maintains formality and clarity.

  17. "superficially attractive" -> "initially appealing"
    Explanation: "Superficially attractive" is informal. Replacing it with "initially appealing" maintains formality while conveying a similar meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both perspectives on the role of sports in school life but lacks a clear stance or opinion. The essay should explicitly state the writer’s viewpoint on whether sports should be mandatory or optional.
    • How to Improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should clearly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, ensure that each body paragraph consistently relates back to the writer’s viewpoint.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay lacks a consistent position throughout. While it explores both sides, it fails to maintain a clear and focused stance on whether sports should be compulsory or optional. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to Improve: To address this, the writer should establish a clear position in the introduction and consistently support and develop that stance throughout the essay. Avoid presenting conflicting ideas that may confuse the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For example, the paragraph arguing against mandatory sports could benefit from specific examples or statistics. The points made are somewhat vague and lack elaboration.
    • How to Improve: To improve, provide concrete examples, evidence, or anecdotes to support each argument. This will enhance the depth and credibility of the essay’s ideas. Ensure each point is thoroughly explained to strengthen the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally veers into broader discussions, such as the impact of physical health on learning outcomes. While relevant, these points need to be more directly tied to the central theme of whether sports should be mandatory or optional.
    • How to Improve: Focus on maintaining a more direct connection to the prompt. Tie all arguments and examples back to the core question of the role of sports in school life for children.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents arguments on both sides, there is room for improvement in clarity, consistency, and depth of argumentation. Strengthening the thesis, providing more specific examples, and maintaining a tighter focus on the prompt will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear attempt to organize information logically. The introduction provides an overview of the topic, and the subsequent paragraphs present arguments for and against mandatory sports in schools. However, the flow is impeded by awkward sentence structures and language choices, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument seamlessly. For instance, in the first paragraph, the transition from discussing the public debate to the issues surrounding sport is abrupt and could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on improving sentence structure and transitions. Ensure a smooth flow between ideas, allowing readers to easily follow the progression of your argument. Use clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph and connect ideas effectively.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure is inconsistent. While there is an attempt to separate ideas, some paragraphs lack a clear focus, leading to a lack of coherence. For example, the second paragraph attempts to present an argument against sports in schools but mixes ideas about academic activities, efforts during lessons, and the potential benefits of practicing and studying.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by maintaining a single, clear focus in each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Consider restructuring the second paragraph to separate discussions on academic activities and the benefits of practicing and studying to improve clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "furthermore" and "conversely." However, their usage is inconsistent, and some sentences lack clarity, impacting the overall cohesion. For example, the transition from the second to the third paragraph lacks a clear link, affecting the flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay to strengthen the connection between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that transitions are clear and serve to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas. Consider using a variety of cohesive devices to enhance overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an effort to organize information logically and use paragraphs, there is room for improvement in sentence structure, paragraph coherence, and consistent use of cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some variety is present, the language could benefit from a more extensive selection of words and phrases. For instance, terms like "pivotal role," "considerable public debate," and "superficially attractive" contribute to the diversity of expression. However, there’s room for improvement by incorporating more nuanced and specialized vocabulary relevant to the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider using more specific terms related to academic and physical activities. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "academic activities," consider alternatives like "educational pursuits" or "scholastic endeavors." Aim to include subject-specific terminology that aligns with the context of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally demonstrates imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, in the sentence "since time could be better spent on academic activities," the term "academic activities" is somewhat vague. Precise terminology could strengthen the argument and provide clarity. On the positive side, terms like "efforts during a lesson or an exam" and "boosted while exercising" showcase a level of precision.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, focus on using words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of the broad term "academic activities," consider specifying whether it refers to studying, research, or other scholarly pursuits. Be meticulous in selecting words that align closely with the context, ensuring that each term contributes to the clarity and accuracy of your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "habitat" should be replaced with "habits," and "studied" should be corrected to "study." Overall, the spelling is generally correct, but attention to detail could further enhance the quality of written expression.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure that each word is spelled correctly. Utilize spelling and grammar-check tools to identify and rectify any overlooked errors. Cultivate a habit of reviewing your written work systematically to catch and correct spelling mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, the use of complex sentences is limited. For example, the sentence structure in the opening paragraph is fairly straightforward. The writer predominantly relies on basic sentence constructions, which affects the overall variety and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, such as those with dependent clauses or relative clauses. Additionally, experiment with different sentence beginnings and lengths to create a more dynamic and engaging prose.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of accurate and inaccurate grammar and punctuation usage. There are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, such as "sport becomes" instead of "sports become." Punctuation, especially comma usage, is inconsistent. For example, there is a comma splice in the sentence "Furthermore, mandatory sport at school’s objectors also add."
    • How to improve: Review and practice subject-verb agreement rules to avoid errors. Pay close attention to comma usage, ensuring appropriate placement in complex sentences. Consider seeking feedback on specific instances of incorrect grammar to develop a more precise understanding of grammatical rules.

In summary, while the essay generally communicates the ideas effectively, there is room for improvement in grammatical range and accuracy. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and addressing specific grammar and punctuation issues will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the incorporation of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children’s development. This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter.

On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits. For instance, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives. It can also be argued that allocating time to practice and study might lead to improved academic grades and learning outcomes.

Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies. However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades. Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being.

Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges. In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time.

In conclusion, while the appeal of focusing solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be viewed as a substantial drawback. Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience.

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