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Some people believe that studying at a university college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people believe that studying at a university college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

It is believed by some people that learning at a university is the shortest way to achieve success while others argue that it is better to get a job as soon as you graduate from high school. From my perspective, I lean towards studying at a university. This essay aims to discuss both views before further elaborating on my opinion on the matter.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that getting a job after graduating high school is better for some people for 2 main reasons. Firstly, when people have a job as soon as they graduate from high school, they will develop their experience. To explain, having a job early can help them try many jobs which lead to finding the best suits for themselves. Secondly, going to work will help them become
more and more self – independent. As a result, they can earn money to live and support their families.
On the other hand, I believe that studying at a college should be better for 2 major justifications. To begin with, when people learn at a university, they will have broad knowledge. Therefore, they have more skills to deal with different problems in life. Another factor worth taking into consideration is qualification. Nowadays, many jobs require employees to have qualifications, especially well-paid jobs such as professor, engineer, pilot,… For example, in every country, the staff members of the school are categorized as principal, vice principal, main teacher and subject teacher based on their academic qualifications which include the level of their degrees.
In conclusion, despite the seemingly valid reasons for having a job after studying at high school, I lean towards the notion that children should study at a university because of learning more skills and having qualifications.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is believed by some people" -> "Some individuals contend"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is believed by some people" with "Some individuals contend" adds formality to the statement, making it more suitable for academic writing.

  2. "lean towards" -> "favor"
    Explanation: Substituting "lean towards" with "favor" enhances the sophistication of the language, aligning with a more academic style.

  3. "aims to" -> "intends to"
    Explanation: Replacing "aims to" with "intends to" adds a more precise and formal touch to the sentence, contributing to the overall academic tone.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Changing "On the one hand" to "Firstly" maintains the structure of the argument while introducing a more formal transition.

  5. "it is undeniable that" -> "it is indisputable that"
    Explanation: Substituting "it is undeniable that" with "it is indisputable that" elevates the level of certainty and formality in the statement.

  6. "for 2 main reasons" -> "for two primary reasons"
    Explanation: Replacing "for 2 main reasons" with "for two primary reasons" adheres to formal numerical expression.

  7. "To explain" -> "To elaborate"
    Explanation: Changing "To explain" to "To elaborate" contributes to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of the idea.

  8. "going to work" -> "joining the workforce"
    Explanation: Substituting "going to work" with "joining the workforce" introduces a more formal and professional term.

  9. "more and more self – independent" -> "increasingly self-reliant"
    Explanation: Replacing "more and more self – independent" with "increasingly self-reliant" offers a more formal and concise expression of the idea.

  10. "worth taking into consideration" -> "worth considering"
    Explanation: Simplifying "worth taking into consideration" to "worth considering" maintains clarity while streamlining the language.

  11. "especially well-paid jobs such as professor, engineer, pilot,…" -> "particularly lucrative professions like professor, engineer, pilot, etc."
    Explanation: Enhancing the sentence with "particularly lucrative professions like professor, engineer, pilot, etc." provides a more comprehensive and formal list.

  12. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: Replacing "In conclusion" with "To conclude" is a more formal and standard way to signal the end of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views as required by the prompt. It discusses the advantages of getting a job straight after high school and the benefits of studying at a university. Each perspective is explored, and the author concludes with a clear personal opinion.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, provide more specific examples or scenarios that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages of each option.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The author clearly expresses a preference for studying at a university and supports this stance with relevant reasons.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay further, consider anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments to demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing reasons for both perspectives. However, some points lack depth, such as the discussion of gaining experience through immediate employment.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the benefits of gaining experience through immediate employment. Include specific examples or anecdotes to make the arguments more compelling and convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could benefit from a more direct and focused structure. There are instances where ideas are presented in a somewhat scattered manner.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic and logically progresses to the next. Clearly signpost transitions between discussing advantages and disadvantages.

Overall Comments:
The essay is well-organized and effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views and presenting a clear personal opinion. To improve, consider providing more specific examples to support each perspective and developing ideas with greater depth. Additionally, ensure a more focused structure to enhance coherence and logical progression. Overall, a strong effort that demonstrates a good understanding of the task.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the intention to discuss both views before presenting the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs follow a typical structure, addressing one perspective at a time. However, some ideas lack development and coherence, impacting the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and provides sufficient supporting details. Develop and connect ideas more effectively to create a smoother transition between paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs paragraphs, but the structure within them is somewhat lacking. There are instances where ideas are not sufficiently developed within paragraphs, leading to a lack of clarity.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the structure of paragraphs by introducing a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each one. Ensure that each paragraph revolves around a central idea and provides supporting evidence. This will enhance coherence and make the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns. However, the variety is limited, and the connections between sentences and ideas could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases. This will create stronger links between sentences and ideas, improving the overall cohesion of the essay. Pay attention to the flow between paragraphs for smoother transitions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in organizing information more logically, strengthening paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Focus on developing ideas and creating clearer connections between them to enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, but there’s room for improvement. While it covers some key terms related to education and career paths, it lacks variety in expression. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "some people" and "on the one hand/on the other hand" could be diversified for a richer lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, try incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions. Instead of frequently using "some people," consider alternatives like "certain individuals" or "a portion of the population." Also, vary sentence structures to avoid monotony.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, phrases like "the shortest way to achieve success" might benefit from more specific terms. Precision can be improved by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning without ambiguity.
    • How to improve: Aim for more nuanced and specific vocabulary choices. Instead of "shortest way," consider alternatives like "most efficient path" or "quickest route." This can add depth to your expressions and demonstrate a higher level of lexical precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good; however, there are a few errors, such as "more and more self – independent." Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors like missing articles ("the university") and inconsistent spacing. These do not significantly hinder comprehension but impact overall writing quality.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling and grammatical accuracy, consider proofreading your essays more thoroughly. Pay attention to small details such as spacing and article usage. Using spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting these minor errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, improvements in variety, precision, and meticulous proofreading can elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably diverse range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of incorporating more complex structures, such as complex-compound sentences or varied clause structures. The essay tends to rely on basic sentence structures, impacting its overall sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with multiple clauses, utilizing different sentence beginnings and lengths. For instance, instead of relying solely on straightforward statements, experiment with incorporating subordinate clauses and transitions to create more nuanced and sophisticated expressions.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where errors occur. For example, in the sentence "It is believed by some people that learning at a university is the shortest way to achieve success," the use of "shortest" might be misleading, and a clearer choice of words could enhance precision. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the inconsistency in spacing around hyphens (e.g., "self – independent").
    • How to improve: Focus on precision in word choices to convey ideas more clearly. For punctuation, be consistent in using spaces around hyphens and ensure proper punctuation marks are used. Consider revising sentences to eliminate any ambiguity and enhance clarity. Proofread carefully to catch and correct such errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures, refining sentence variety and addressing specific grammar and punctuation issues can contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some individuals contend that joining the workforce straight after high school is the best route to success, others favor the idea of studying at a university. From my perspective, I lean towards the belief that pursuing higher education at a university is the preferable path. This essay aims to discuss both views, emphasizing the advantages of each, before providing my opinion on the matter.

On one hand, it is worth considering that getting a job immediately after graduating high school has its merits for two primary reasons. Firstly, individuals entering the workforce early can develop valuable experience by trying out various roles, helping them identify the most suitable career paths. Secondly, the experience gained from joining the workforce early contributes to increasing self-reliance, allowing individuals to earn money to support themselves and their families.

On the other hand, it is indisputable that studying at a university holds certain advantages for two major justifications. Firstly, university education provides a platform for acquiring broad knowledge, equipping individuals with diverse skills to tackle life’s challenges. Secondly, qualification becomes particularly crucial in today’s job market, especially for lucrative professions like professors, engineers, pilots, etc. For instance, schools categorize staff members based on their academic qualifications, such as degrees, determining positions like principal, vice principal, main teacher, and subject teacher.

To elaborate, individuals attending university not only gain essential skills but also fulfill the qualifications required by many well-paid professions. This makes them competitive and better suited for roles that demand specialized knowledge. Particularly lucrative professions like professor, engineer, pilot, etc., often necessitate a higher level of education and qualifications.

To conclude, despite the valid reasons supporting the idea of entering the workforce immediately after high school, I believe that studying at a university is a more favorable choice. This is primarily due to the broader range of skills acquired and the importance of qualifications in securing certain well-paid professions. In an ever-evolving job market, investing in higher education can provide individuals with a competitive edge and a foundation for long-term success.

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