Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.
In the modern era, opinions are divided on whether homeschooling or traditional methods of education is the best means of studying for children. Individually, I find them more negative than positive due to many reasons which will be analyzed in the essay below.
Granted, there is no doubt to admit that this up-to-date form of training grants students from distant areas a golden chance to access and maintain their education optimally. An illustration of this is that there is a survey reporting a group of children in remote places having to cross a wide river by using a 10-mile rope every morning on their way to school. In this case, taking classes at home happens to be a more suitable and safer way for kids residing in regions without convenient infrastructure. Another point worth mentioning is that, back then, during the pandemic hit in 2020, operating online courses at home could be best to maintain education from all levels and ages of learners
Despite the above upsides, the first argument is that teaching and studying at home seems to be a particular training for those who are facing mental issues or underdeveloped conditions. Apparently, they may have difficulties dealing with daily communication or situational behaviors in order to interact with surrounding society. Another fact adding credence to my justification is that the deficiency of teaching materials appears to be the biggest weakness of this technique. It would be synonymous with the lack of well-trained teachers who are fully capable of transferring fascinating insights to students.
In conclusion, for several reasons listed above, I gravitate towards the disadvantages of this academic form. Although homeschooling may be beneficial for a number of children, going to schools is still essential for others.
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Errors and Improvements:
- "Individually, I find them more negative than positive due to many reasons which will be analyzed in the essay below." -> "Personally, I perceive both methods more negatively than positively for several reasons, which will be analyzed in the following essay."
Explanation: The phrase "Individually, I find them more negative than positive" is somewhat informal and lacks precision. Replacing it with "Personally, I perceive both methods more negatively than positively" maintains formality and clarity. Also, "due to many reasons" can be refined to "for several reasons" for a more concise expression. - "Granted, there is no doubt to admit that this up-to-date form of training grants students from distant areas a golden chance to access and maintain their education optimally." -> "Admittedly, this contemporary approach to education provides students in remote areas with a valuable opportunity to access and sustain their education effectively."
Explanation: The phrase "there is no doubt to admit" is redundant and informal. "Granted" is more suitable in this context. Also, replacing "a golden chance" with "a valuable opportunity" and "maintain their education optimally" with "sustain their education effectively" enhances the academic tone of the sentence. - "An illustration of this is that there is a survey reporting a group of children in remote places having to cross a wide river by using a 10-mile rope every morning on their way to school." -> "An illustration of this is provided by a survey which reports that a group of children in remote areas must cross a wide river using a 10-mile rope every morning to reach school."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and uses informal language ("An illustration of this is that there is a survey"). Replacing it with "An illustration of this is provided by a survey which reports" improves clarity and formality. Additionally, "remote places" is better replaced with "remote areas" for precision. - "Another point worth mentioning is that, back then, during the pandemic hit in 2020, operating online courses at home could be best to maintain education from all levels and ages of learners." -> "Another noteworthy point is that during the 2020 pandemic, conducting online courses at home emerged as the optimal approach to maintaining education across all levels and age groups of learners."
Explanation: The phrase "back then" is unnecessary and informal. "Worth mentioning" can be refined to "noteworthy." Additionally, "pandemic hit" can be replaced with "pandemic" for conciseness, and "could be best" can be changed to "emerged as the optimal approach" for clarity and formality. - "Despite the above upsides, the first argument is that teaching and studying at home seems to be a particular training for those who are facing mental issues or underdeveloped conditions." -> "Despite the aforementioned advantages, the primary argument is that homeschooling appears to cater primarily to individuals facing mental health challenges or developmental conditions."
Explanation: "Upsides" is somewhat informal; "advantages" is a more formal alternative. "Seems to be a particular training" can be replaced with "appears to cater primarily to" for clarity and formality. Additionally, "underdeveloped conditions" can be changed to "developmental conditions" for precision. - "Apparently, they may have difficulties dealing with daily communication or situational behaviors in order to interact with surrounding society." -> "Evidently, they may encounter challenges in managing daily communication or situational behaviors necessary for interaction within society."
Explanation: "Apparently" can be replaced with "evidently" for a more formal tone. "Dealing with" can be changed to "managing" for clarity and formality. Additionally, "surrounding society" can be refined to "society" for conciseness. - "Another fact adding credence to my justification is that the deficiency of teaching materials appears to be the biggest weakness of this technique." -> "Furthermore, the lack of adequate teaching materials constitutes a significant weakness of this approach."
Explanation: "Adding credence to my justification" is somewhat informal. "Another fact" can be replaced with "furthermore" for a smoother transition. "Deficiency of teaching materials" can be changed to "lack of adequate teaching materials" for clarity and precision. Additionally, "biggest" can be replaced with "significant" for a more nuanced expression. - "It would be synonymous with the lack of well-trained teachers who are fully capable of transferring fascinating insights to students." -> "This is synonymous with a shortage of well-trained teachers capable of imparting fascinating insights to students."
Explanation: "It would be synonymous with" is somewhat convoluted and informal. "This is synonymous with" provides a clearer and more direct expression. "Transferring" can be changed to "imparting" for a more formal tone. - "In conclusion, for several reasons listed above, I gravitate towards the disadvantages of this academic form." -> "In conclusion, considering the aforementioned reasons, I am inclined towards the drawbacks of this educational approach."
Explanation: "For several reasons listed above" is redundant; "considering the aforementioned reasons" is a more concise alternative. "Gravitate towards" is somewhat informal; "inclined towards" is a more formal expression. Additionally, "academic form" can be changed to "educational approach" for clarity and precision.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, discussing advantages of homeschooling and traditional schooling. It acknowledges the benefits of homeschooling for children in remote areas or during situations like the pandemic. However, it predominantly focuses on the drawbacks of homeschooling.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could provide a more balanced discussion of the advantages of both methods, ensuring each point is explored thoroughly. Additionally, it could explicitly state the writer’s own opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against homeschooling, stating that it is more negative than positive due to various reasons. This stance remains consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: While clarity and consistency are strengths, the essay could benefit from acknowledging potential advantages of homeschooling even while arguing against it, demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the topic.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. For instance, it mentions the benefit of homeschooling for children in remote areas but does not elaborate on how this improves their education or provide additional examples.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support its points, such as specific studies or anecdotes. Additionally, it should extend its discussion beyond surface-level observations to delve deeper into the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages of both homeschooling and traditional schooling. However, it occasionally veers off topic, such as when discussing the pandemic’s impact on education.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points made directly relate to the advantages of homeschooling and traditional schooling as outlined in the prompt. Extraneous details should be omitted or linked back to the main topic more explicitly.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and attempts to address the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced discussion, extending ideas with deeper analysis, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph discusses either the advantages or disadvantages of homeschooling, followed by a conclusion summarizing the writer’s opinion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs and transitions between them.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring each paragraph around a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Provide supporting details and examples to strengthen arguments within each paragraph. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to create smoother connections between paragraphs and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure within each paragraph could be more effective. Some paragraphs contain multiple points without clear delineation, leading to confusion. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both the advantages of homeschooling for remote areas and during the pandemic, which could be better presented as separate ideas.
- How to improve: Focus on developing a clear and coherent structure within each paragraph. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Consider splitting paragraphs into smaller units to maintain focus on one point at a time, thus improving readability and clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "despite," "although") and pronouns (e.g., "they," "this"). While these devices contribute to coherence to some extent, their usage could be more varied and sophisticated. Additionally, the essay lacks cohesive devices that explicitly connect ideas within and between paragraphs, leading to choppy transitions.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "furthermore") and referencing words (e.g., "this," "these"). Use these devices strategically to link ideas within sentences, paragraphs, and the overall essay, facilitating a smoother flow of information. Additionally, pay attention to coherence at the micro-level by ensuring pronouns and other referencing words clearly refer to their antecedents, enhancing clarity and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt at employing a variety of vocabulary throughout. For instance, phrases like "up-to-date form of training," "residing in regions without convenient infrastructure," and "deficiency of teaching materials" showcase a range of lexical choices. However, some phrases could be further diversified for a richer vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative expressions where applicable. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," try using synonyms like "juveniles," "youngsters," or "adolescents" to avoid repetition and elevate the lexical diversity.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively but occasionally lacks precision. For instance, the phrase "training grants students from distant areas a golden chance" could be refined for clarity and precision. Similarly, terms like "particular training" and "deficiency of teaching materials" could be more precise to convey the intended meaning more accurately.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "golden chance," consider using "valuable opportunity" or "privileged access." Similarly, instead of "particular training," specify the type of training being referred to, such as "individualized instruction" or "personalized education." This will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "maintain" instead of "maintaining" and "hit" instead of "hitting." These errors do not significantly impede understanding but could be improved for a polished presentation.
- How to improve: Enhancing spelling accuracy can be achieved through regular proofreading and utilizing spell-checking tools. Additionally, actively noting common spelling errors and practicing correct spelling patterns can contribute to improved spelling proficiency. Taking the time to review and revise written work can help catch and correct any spelling mistakes before submission.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized, albeit with limited diversity. For instance, simple sentences dominate, such as "In the modern era, opinions are divided…" and "Granted, there is no doubt to admit…". Some complex structures are attempted, like "An illustration of this is that there is a survey reporting…", but they are not consistently employed.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, aim for a more diverse array of sentence structures. Incorporate compound-complex sentences, parallel structures, and varied introductory phrases. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences for introductory clauses, experiment with complex or compound structures to add sophistication and depth to the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are notable instances of errors throughout the text. For example, the phrase "Individually, I find them more negative than positive due to many reasons which will be analyzed in the essay below" could be refined for clarity and grammatical correctness. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas and awkwardly placed hyphens.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and clarity of expression. Proofread carefully for punctuation errors, paying close attention to comma usage and proper placement of hyphens. Utilize resources like grammar guides and practice exercises to strengthen your grasp of grammar rules and punctuation conventions.
Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its arguments, there is room for improvement in both the diversity of sentence structures and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and refining grammatical skills, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, there’s ongoing debate regarding whether homeschooling or traditional schooling is the superior method of education for children. Personally, I perceive both methods more negatively than positively for several reasons, which will be analyzed in the following essay.
Undeniably, homeschooling offers a significant advantage by providing children from remote areas with access to education. For instance, a survey highlights the plight of children in distant regions who must cross a wide river using a 10-mile rope each morning to attend school. In such cases, studying at home emerges as a safer and more feasible option for these children. Moreover, during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, online education proved crucial in ensuring continuous learning for students of all ages and levels.
However, there are notable drawbacks to homeschooling. Firstly, it may cater more effectively to children facing mental health issues or developmental challenges. Nonetheless, these children might struggle with social interaction and adapting to societal norms. Additionally, a significant limitation of homeschooling is the lack of access to quality teaching materials and well-trained educators who can impart engaging and insightful lessons to students.
In conclusion, while homeschooling may offer benefits to certain children, I am inclined to acknowledge its drawbacks. Despite its advantages, traditional schooling remains indispensable for many children.
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