Some people believe that the aging population is good for business and the economy. Others, however, disagree with this view. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people believe that the aging population is good for business and the economy. Others, however, disagree with this view. Discuss both views and give your opinion
In the modern era, the aging population has become a topic that attracts numerous attention. People consider how businesses are affected by this problem, while some believe that it can make the businesses have to face some certain challenges, others argue businesses can get benefits. Personally, I believe that the aging demography has both advantages and disadvantages, they will be discussed in the following essay.
The main reason that proponents of the former argument support is the workforce shortage. With the increasing number of employees retiring, businesses lose experienced human resources, who usually play an important role in the development of the companies. Therefore, the employers have to spend a big amount of time and finance to train the young workers to fill their roles. It can be easy to see that in the time waiting for the next generation to improve their skills, the countries’ economy can suffer great damages and the evidence is Japan’s economy in recent years. In Japan, the percentage of elderly people makes up a large portion of the population. Thus numerous factories and stores have been bankrupted, especially in the countryside, cause there are not enough workers in those areas. Even, some schools have only 1-2 students, it makes the schools have to be closed and the teachers need to move to another school or become unemployed when the final students graduate.
On the other side, advocates of the latter argument believe that the aging population can make some advantages. First, businesses can get a large number of loyal customers. It is undeniable that older people are usually loyal with their familiar products and brands. And with the increasing number of old people, the demands of certain products are also going up, such as nutritious food and medicine. Therefore, businesses can have increased income for a long period of time. Moreover, if the elders decide to continuously work, businesses can have high quality employees having enough experience to deal with the difficult situations.
To conclude, I think the drawbacks of aging population outweigh the benefits. I believe each country has to suffer this problem, and I suggest businesses need to have well-prepared solutions to deal with that period of time.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
-
"attracts numerous attention" -> "attracts considerable attention"
Explanation: "Numerous attention" is not idiomatic in academic writing. "Considerable attention" is a more formal and appropriate phrase in this context. -
"make the businesses have to face" -> "compel businesses to confront"
Explanation: "Make the businesses have to face" is redundant and less concise. "Compel businesses to confront" is a more formal and direct expression. -
"they will be discussed" -> "these will be discussed"
Explanation: Referring back to "advantages and disadvantages" with "they" is somewhat ambiguous. "These" clarifies the reference and improves coherence. -
"proponents of the former argument" -> "advocates of the former perspective"
Explanation: "Proponents" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Advocates" is a more suitable term. Additionally, "perspective" is a more precise word choice than "argument." -
"With the increasing number of employees retiring" -> "Due to the increasing retirement rate among employees"
Explanation: This change enhances formality and specificity by replacing the colloquial "With" with "Due to" and providing a more precise description of the situation. -
"the countries’ economy" -> "the economy of nations"
Explanation: "Countries’ economy" is grammatically incorrect. "The economy of nations" is a more formal and accurate phrase. -
"it can be easy to see" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It can be easy to see" is somewhat colloquial. "It is evident" is a more formal and concise expression of the same idea. -
"cause there are not enough workers in those areas" -> "due to insufficient labor in those regions"
Explanation: "Cause" is too informal for academic writing. "Due to" is a more appropriate alternative. Additionally, "workers" is replaced with "labor" for a more formal tone. -
"Even, some schools have only 1-2 students" -> "Moreover, some schools enroll only 1-2 students"
Explanation: "Even" is unnecessary and informal. "Moreover" provides a smoother transition. Additionally, "enroll" is a more precise verb than "have" in this context. -
"advocates of the latter argument" -> "proponents of the latter viewpoint"
Explanation: Similar to the previous instance, "advocates" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Proponents" is a more suitable term. Also, "viewpoint" is preferred over "argument" for clarity. -
"it is undeniable that older people are usually loyal with their familiar products and brands" -> "older people tend to exhibit brand loyalty"
Explanation: This revision simplifies the sentence and removes redundancy for clarity and conciseness while maintaining the original meaning. -
"the demands of certain products are also going up" -> "demand for specific products is also increasing"
Explanation: This change improves clarity and formality by using more precise language and a grammatically correct structure. -
"businesses can have increased income" -> "businesses can experience increased revenue"
Explanation: "Increased income" is slightly informal. "Revenue" is a more formal term often used in business contexts. -
"high quality employees having enough experience" -> "highly skilled employees with ample experience"
Explanation: This alteration enhances formality and clarity by replacing colloquial phrasing with more precise language. -
"To conclude" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "To conclude" is less formal than "In conclusion" in academic writing. The latter is a standard transition phrase used in formal essays.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives on the impact of an aging population on businesses and the economy. It discusses the challenges businesses face due to a shrinking workforce and the potential benefits such as gaining loyal customers. However, the analysis could be more nuanced. While it acknowledges the workforce shortage, it doesn’t delve into other economic aspects mentioned in the prompt, such as the overall impact on the economy.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a comprehensive analysis of all aspects of the prompt. In addition to workforce challenges, consider discussing how an aging population affects consumer spending patterns, healthcare costs, and government policies, providing a more thorough examination of the economic implications.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the drawbacks of an aging population outweigh the benefits. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, with the writer consistently advocating for prepared solutions to address the challenges posed by demographic shifts.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider reinforcing the position with stronger and more varied supporting evidence. Additionally, anticipate potential counterarguments and address them to further solidify the essay’s stance.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing both the challenges and benefits associated with an aging population. However, the development and support of these ideas could be improved. While examples are provided, they lack depth and specificity. For instance, the mention of Japan’s economy could be elaborated with statistical data or expert opinions to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Enhance the development of ideas by providing more detailed examples, statistics, or case studies to support arguments. This will add depth to the analysis and make the essay more persuasive.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains largely on topic, discussing the impact of an aging population on businesses and the economy as prompted. However, there are some instances where the connection to the topic could be stronger. For example, the discussion of loyal customers and high-quality employees could be more directly tied to the economic implications for businesses.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the impact of an aging population on businesses and the economy. Avoid tangential discussions that may distract from the central theme of the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, development of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic. By incorporating more specific examples, providing stronger support for arguments, and ensuring all aspects of the prompt are thoroughly explored, the essay could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the organization could be improved for better coherence. The essay begins by introducing the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement, which should outline the main points to be discussed. Additionally, the flow of ideas within paragraphs and between them is somewhat abrupt, affecting the overall logical progression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points of discussion. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using linking words and phrases to guide the reader from one idea to the next. Consider restructuring sentences within paragraphs to improve coherence and flow.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs could be strengthened. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea or argument, supported by relevant details or examples. Some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple ideas without clear transitions between them, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: Aim for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to indicate its main idea. Use supporting evidence or examples to develop each point effectively. Ensure that each paragraph is cohesive and focused, with clear transitions between ideas to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the other side," "to conclude"), to connect ideas and create coherence. However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be enhanced for improved cohesion.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "moreover"), and parallel structures to establish clearer relationships between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion. Additionally, consider the use of cohesive devices within and between paragraphs to strengthen the overall structure of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt to vary word choice. For instance, synonyms like "proponents" and "advocates" are used to avoid repetition. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary. Some phrases, such as "topic that attracts numerous attention," could be refined for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating a broader array of vocabulary throughout the essay. Instead of using generic phrases like "topic that attracts numerous attention," opt for more specific and precise language. For example, you could say "an issue that garners significant public interest" or "a subject that commands widespread attention." Additionally, aim to include more specialized terminology related to the topic, such as "demographic trends," "economic ramifications," or "workforce dynamics."
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use vocabulary with some precision, but there are instances where words could be chosen more accurately or effectively. For instance, phrases like "make some advantages" and "loyal with their familiar products" could be improved for clarity and specificity.
- How to improve: To enhance the precision of vocabulary usage, strive to select words that convey your intended meaning with greater clarity and accuracy. Instead of saying "make some advantages," consider using phrases like "yield certain benefits" or "offer particular advantages." Similarly, instead of saying "loyal with their familiar products," you could use "loyal to familiar brands or products." Be mindful of choosing words that precisely convey your intended message to ensure clarity and effectiveness in your writing.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "demography" spelled as "demographic," "bankrupted" instead of "bankrupted," and "cause" instead of "because."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or reviewing your writing carefully to identify and correct any misspellings. Additionally, practice actively recognizing and memorizing the correct spellings of commonly misspelled words to enhance your overall spelling proficiency. Engaging in regular reading and writing activities can also help reinforce proper spelling conventions and improve your spelling skills over time.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound-complex sentences. For example, "With the increasing number of employees retiring, businesses lose experienced human resources, who usually play an important role in the development of the companies" showcases a complex sentence structure with a subordinate clause. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance readability and engagement.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s structure, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. Varying the length and complexity of sentences can improve the flow and coherence of the essay. Additionally, employing rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion can add flair and sophistication to the writing.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few errors. However, there are some instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the essay. For instance, "First, businesses can get a large number of loyal customers" could be improved by adding an article before "businesses" (e.g., "First, the businesses"). Additionally, there are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement and sentence structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure coherence. Proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct punctuation errors, such as missing commas or misuse of apostrophes, can further improve the overall clarity and precision of the writing. Additionally, considering sentence structure and ensuring that each sentence communicates its intended meaning clearly can contribute to a smoother reading experience for the audience.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, the aging population compels businesses to confront numerous challenges. While some argue that this situation poses significant difficulties for businesses, others advocate that it can also bring about certain benefits. In my opinion, the aging demographic presents both advantages and disadvantages, which will be discussed in the following essay.
Advocates of the former perspective point to the workforce shortage as a primary concern. Due to the increasing retirement rate among employees, businesses are losing experienced human resources, who typically play pivotal roles in company development. Consequently, employers must allocate substantial time and financial resources to train younger workers to fill these roles. It is evident that during the transition period, while waiting for the next generation to enhance their skills, the economies of nations can suffer significant setbacks. This is exemplified by the recent economic challenges faced by Japan, where a large proportion of the population consists of elderly individuals. Consequently, numerous factories and stores, particularly in rural areas, have been forced to close due to insufficient labor in those regions. Furthermore, some schools are experiencing dwindling enrollments, with only 1-2 students per class, leading to closures and the displacement of teachers.
Conversely, proponents of the latter viewpoint argue that the aging population can offer certain advantages. Firstly, businesses can benefit from a sizable customer base of loyal patrons. It is well-known that older individuals tend to exhibit brand loyalty and prefer familiar products. With the increasing number of elderly consumers, the demand for specific products, such as nutritious food and medicine, is also on the rise. Consequently, businesses stand to experience increased revenue over an extended period. Additionally, if older individuals choose to remain in the workforce, businesses can access highly skilled employees with ample experience, capable of navigating challenging situations effectively.
In conclusion, while there are advantages to an aging population, I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. This demographic shift presents significant challenges that must be addressed by businesses and governments alike. It is imperative for businesses to develop well-prepared solutions to mitigate the impacts of an aging population on their operations and the economy as a whole.
Phản hồi