Some people believe that the best way to provide a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals are of the opinion that the production of a society with high levels of happiness can be gained optimally through the reduction of the wealth gap between the richest and the poorest members. From my perspective, I partly agree with this assertion based on some reasons that are explained in this essay.

On the one hand, there are some reasons that explain why reducing income disparities between members of society can give rise to a happier life. With the reduction of income inequality, people may stand a greater chance of getting access to healthcare, which ensures that their physical and mental well-being have the ability to engage in social activities, especially the pursuits with intention of creating community cohesion. This may play a vital role in enhancing one’s happiness. Moreover, once the difference in income between people is reduced, It will also pave the way for people being accessible to sustained healthier food options, which maintains the provision of nutrients and increases a level of happiness among citizens. To illustrate, low-income households are provided with access to affordable healthcare, which reduces the stress over the medical expenses and benefits from regular check-ups. Not only does this improve their physical health but also well-being, helping individuals feel more secure about their future.

On the other hand, a society with enhanced happiness requires a combination of factors, which can not solely determined by elevating income. Individuals’ happiness is achieved through some aspects of life such as work satisfaction, social networking, personal relationships or engagement in recreational activities. Although the reduction of income disparities may enhance the quality of life effectively, It can not be attributed to the level of happiness, which is achieved through personal experience. For instance, the elevated income can not raise the level of happiness in the relationships between many couples. As a result, it is crucial to focus on happiness as a combination of aspects of life instead of concentrating exclusively on income.

To encapsulate, although society happiness can be achieved by multifactors, I strongly lean towards the perspective that minimizing the wealth inequality can play a vital role in making a society happier, however, It is not the optimal solution due to its combination of different factors. While reducing the gap can enhance the quality of living by granting access to healthcare and food choices, It can not decide the way people engage in social activities or relationships. Thus, having multiple views can be superior and improve general happiness.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals are of the opinion that" -> "Some individuals believe that"
Explanation: "Believe" is more direct and academically appropriate than "are of the opinion that," which can sound overly formal and less natural in this context.
"can be gained optimally" -> "can be achieved optimally"
Explanation: "Achieved" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing to describe the attainment of a goal or state, whereas "gained" can be less specific.
"based on some reasons" -> "based on several reasons"
Explanation: "Several" is more specific and formal than "some," which is vague and less precise.
"stand a greater chance of getting access to" -> "have a greater likelihood of accessing"
Explanation: "Have a greater likelihood of accessing" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"ensures that their physical and mental well-being have the ability to engage" -> "ensures that their physical and mental well-being enables them to engage"
Explanation: "Enables them to engage" is more direct and avoids the awkward construction of "have the ability to engage."
"pursuits with intention of creating community cohesion" -> "pursuits aimed at fostering community cohesion"
Explanation: "Fostering" is a more precise and formal term than "creating," and "aimed at" is more appropriate in academic writing than "with intention of."
"It will also pave the way for people being accessible to" -> "It will also facilitate people’s access to"
Explanation: "Facilitate people’s access to" is more concise and formal, improving the flow and precision of the sentence.
"maintains the provision of nutrients and increases a level of happiness" -> "ensures the provision of nutrients and enhances happiness"
Explanation: "Ensures" and "enhances" are more direct and academically suitable than "maintains" and "increases a level of," which are less precise.
"can not solely determined by" -> "cannot be solely determined by"
Explanation: "Cannot be" is grammatically correct and more formal than "can not."
"It can not be attributed to the level of happiness" -> "It cannot be attributed solely to the level of happiness"
Explanation: "Cannot be attributed solely to" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning.
"elevated income can not raise the level of happiness" -> "increased income cannot elevate the level of happiness"
Explanation: "Increased income cannot elevate" corrects the verb tense and uses "elevate" for a more formal tone.
"It is crucial to focus on happiness as a combination of aspects of life" -> "It is essential to consider happiness as a multifaceted aspect of life"
Explanation: "Consider happiness as a multifaceted aspect of life" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague "combination of aspects of life."
"concentrating exclusively on income" -> "focusing exclusively on income"
Explanation: "Focusing" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic writing than "concentrating."
"I strongly lean towards the perspective" -> "I strongly advocate the perspective"
Explanation: "Advocate" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "lean towards," which is colloquial.
"It is not the optimal solution" -> "it is not the optimal solution"
Explanation: The use of "it" instead of "It" corrects the capitalization error, aligning with formal writing standards.

These changes enhance the academic tone, precision, and clarity of the essay, making it more suitable for formal academic discourse.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the relationship between wealth disparity and societal happiness. It acknowledges the belief that reducing income inequality can lead to a happier society while also presenting a counter-argument that happiness is influenced by multiple factors beyond income. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement, which aligns with the prompt’s requirement to discuss the extent of agreement or disagreement. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the opposing viewpoint, as it primarily focuses on the benefits of reducing income inequality without fully developing the argument against it.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are equally developed. This could involve providing more detailed examples or evidence supporting the idea that happiness is influenced by factors other than income, thereby creating a more balanced discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that reducing income inequality can contribute to societal happiness, but it also recognizes that this is not the sole factor. The use of phrases like "I partly agree" and "it is crucial to focus on happiness as a combination of aspects of life" indicates a nuanced understanding of the issue. However, there are moments where the position could be more consistently articulated, particularly in the conclusion, which somewhat muddles the stance by suggesting that multiple views are superior without clearly reiterating the initial position.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main arguments and reaffirms the stance taken in the introduction. Using clear language to restate the position can help reinforce the argument throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the notion that reducing income inequality can lead to greater happiness, such as improved access to healthcare and nutritious food. These points are extended with examples, such as the stress reduction from affordable healthcare. However, the counter-argument regarding the multifaceted nature of happiness is less developed and lacks specific examples, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples or evidence for both sides of the argument. For instance, discussing studies or statistics related to happiness and income disparity could lend more credibility to the claims made. Additionally, elaborating on how factors like personal relationships and job satisfaction contribute to happiness would create a more robust discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between wealth disparity and societal happiness. However, there are instances where the discussion could become more focused. For example, the mention of "recreational activities" and "personal relationships" could be more directly tied back to the main argument about income inequality and its effects on happiness.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the central argument. This can be achieved by explicitly linking examples and discussions back to the main thesis, reinforcing how each point contributes to the overall argument regarding the relationship between income disparity and happiness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, clearer articulation of the position, and stronger examples to support the claims made.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s position, and each body paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of reducing income disparities, while the second highlights the multifaceted nature of happiness. However, the logical progression between ideas could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing healthcare access to food options feels somewhat abrupt, and the connection between these points could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Ensuring that each point builds on the previous one will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph contains relevant information that supports the main argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer focus. While it discusses the importance of factors beyond income, it lacks a strong concluding sentence that ties the ideas back to the main argument about happiness.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and ends with a concluding sentence that reinforces how the content relates to the overall thesis. This will not only enhance clarity but also provide a more cohesive argument throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "Moreover," and "To encapsulate." These phrases help to connect ideas and signal shifts in the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For example, the phrase "It can not" is repeated, which detracts from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases that convey similar meanings. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "It can not," you might use "It is not possible" or "This does not imply." Additionally, varying the structure of sentences and using a mix of simple and complex sentences can enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement. By focusing on clearer logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "income disparities," "community cohesion," and "multifactors" showcasing an ability to discuss complex ideas. However, some phrases are repetitive, such as "reduce/reduction" and "happiness," which could be varied for greater lexical richness. For instance, the phrase "the reduction of income inequality" could be alternated with "mitigating income disparity" or "narrowing the wealth gap" to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and alternative expressions. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify varied vocabulary. Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or collocations related to happiness and societal well-being could enrich the essay further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the ability to engage in social activities" could be more clearly articulated as "the capacity to participate in social interactions." Additionally, the term "multifactors" is awkward and should be corrected to "multiple factors" for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expression. Reviewing sentences for potential ambiguities and ensuring that terms are used in their correct contexts will help. Engaging in exercises that focus on precise language use, such as rewriting sentences with more accurate vocabulary, can also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong command of spelling, with few errors present. However, there are minor issues, such as the capitalization of "It" in the middle of a sentence, which disrupts the flow and indicates a lack of attention to detail. The phrase "multifactors" is also a spelling error; it should be "multiple factors."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch any errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can also enhance spelling skills. Additionally, maintaining consistent capitalization rules will help improve overall presentation.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band Score of 7. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can aim for an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "which ensures that their physical and mental well-being have the ability to engage in social activities" showcases an attempt to incorporate relative clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting several sentences with "this" or "it," which can reduce the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could experiment with more varied sentence openings and structures. For example, instead of repeatedly using "it" or "this," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "By addressing income disparities, society can…" or "In addition to income equality, factors like…". Incorporating more transitional phrases and varying the length of sentences can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "can not solely determined by elevating income" should read "cannot be solely determined by elevating income." Additionally, the use of capitalization in "It" at the beginning of a sentence after a comma is incorrect. There are also some awkward constructions, such as "the provision of nutrients and increases a level of happiness among citizens," where "increases" should be "increase" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch errors in verb forms and punctuation. It may be beneficial to practice identifying common grammatical mistakes and reviewing rules related to subject-verb agreement and the use of contractions. Additionally, using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and rectify errors before submission. Focusing on punctuation, especially in complex sentences, will also enhance clarity and readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the writing to a higher band score. By diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that the creation of a society with high levels of happiness can be achieved optimally through the reduction of the wealth gap between the richest and the poorest members. From my perspective, I partly agree with this assertion based on several reasons that are explained in this essay.

On the one hand, there are several reasons that explain why reducing income disparities between members of society can lead to a happier life. With the reduction of income inequality, people may have a greater likelihood of accessing healthcare, which ensures that their physical and mental well-being enables them to engage in social activities, especially pursuits aimed at fostering community cohesion. This may play a vital role in enhancing one’s happiness. Moreover, once the difference in income between people is reduced, it will also facilitate people’s access to sustained healthier food options, which ensures the provision of nutrients and enhances happiness among citizens. To illustrate, low-income households are provided with access to affordable healthcare, which reduces the stress over medical expenses and benefits from regular check-ups. Not only does this improve their physical health, but it also enhances their overall well-being, helping individuals feel more secure about their future.

On the other hand, a society with enhanced happiness requires a combination of factors that cannot be solely determined by elevating income. Individuals’ happiness is achieved through various aspects of life such as job satisfaction, social networking, personal relationships, and engagement in recreational activities. Although the reduction of income disparities may effectively enhance the quality of life, it cannot be attributed solely to the level of happiness, which is achieved through personal experiences. For instance, increased income cannot elevate the level of happiness in the relationships between many couples. As a result, it is essential to consider happiness as a multifaceted aspect of life instead of focusing exclusively on income.

To encapsulate, although societal happiness can be achieved through multiple factors, I strongly advocate the perspective that minimizing wealth inequality can play a vital role in creating a happier society; however, it is not the optimal solution due to the combination of different factors involved. While reducing the gap can enhance the quality of living by granting access to healthcare and food choices, it cannot dictate how people engage in social activities or relationships. Thus, embracing multiple views can be superior and improve overall happiness.