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Some people believe that the experiences children have before going to school will have a greatest effect on their future life. Others argue that experiences gaind when they are teenagers have a biggger influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that the experiences children have before going to school will have a greatest effect on their future life. Others argue that experiences gaind when they are teenagers have a biggger influence.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Today, there is a school of thought that holds someone’s success depends most on experiences they gained when being a child, others are of the opinion that it stems from things they underwent when being teenage. This essay will closely examine both viewpoints before concluding I concur with the latter.

On one hand, it is understandable why some believe experiences from the childhood play an integral role in developing an individual on life later on. Perhaps the key rationale, they propose, is that these are the foundations for their development in the future. To put differently, things they learned when being a child could have a considerable bearing on personality traits formation and behaviors. For instance, if a child was well-educated formerly, following that, in the future, he or she would likely be moral and have suitable etiquettes. And, of course, good behaviors or same things else, they contend, are keys to being successful on their future career. Considering this factor, the conception that how successful a person is is due in large part to experiences undergone when being a child seems ostensibly justifiable.

On the other hand, I side with those who propose the influences on future life are even more pronounced from experiences during their school age. The foremost reason probably is that in this period, students could build their relationships more straightforwardly and also broaden their horizon. Particularly, at school, students may partake in many clubs, with scores of activities there, could help them to be more active. Additionally, joining these clubs also offer students chances of contacting more people, and this fosters students’ relationship. Besides, in this period, students could also learn a wealth of beneficial knowledge curated by teachers such as about social skills, academic knowledge, traditions and culture, and among many others, which play an instrumental role in the future.

To sum up, while there are good grounds for influences of experiences from childhood on the future life, I contend those from school age could exert a bigger impact in the future, in term of both relationships and knowledge obtained.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. “there is a school of thought” -> “there exists a perspective”
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial phrase “school of thought” with “perspective” maintains a formal tone and avoids informal language.
  2. “gained when being a child” -> “acquired during childhood”
    Explanation: “Gained when being a child” is overly wordy and less formal. “Acquired during childhood” is a more concise and academically appropriate alternative.
  3. “things they underwent” -> “experiences they underwent”
    Explanation: Adding “experiences” clarifies the meaning and makes the sentence more formal.
  4. “concluding I concur with the latter” -> “concluding that I agree with the latter perspective”
    Explanation: The original sentence is too abrupt and lacks formality. Expanding it with “concluding that I agree with the latter perspective” provides clarity and maintains a formal tone.
  5. “it is understandable why some believe” -> “it is comprehensible why some argue”
    Explanation: “Understandable” is slightly informal. “Comprehensible” is a more formal synonym.
  6. “Perhaps the key rationale, they propose” -> “One of the primary reasons they suggest”
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat informal. The suggested change replaces “key rationale” with “primary reasons” for a more formal tone.
  7. “To put differently” -> “In other words”
    Explanation: “To put differently” is less common and slightly informal. “In other words” is a standard phrase in academic writing.
  8. “things they learned when being a child” -> “knowledge acquired during childhood”
    Explanation: Replacing “things they learned when being a child” with “knowledge acquired during childhood” is more concise and formal.
  9. “a considerable bearing on personality traits formation and behaviors” -> “a significant influence on the development of personality traits and behaviors”
    Explanation: The suggested change uses more precise vocabulary and maintains a formal tone.
  10. “good behaviors or same things else” -> “positive behaviors or other similar factors”
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. The suggested change provides clarity and formality.
  11. “keys to being successful on their future career” -> “essential factors for future career success”
    Explanation: The suggested change uses more precise and formal language.
  12. “Considering this factor” -> “Taking this factor into account”
    Explanation: The suggested change is a more formal and precise way to transition to the next point.
  13. “on the other hand” -> “conversely”
    Explanation: “On the other hand” is a common but somewhat informal transition. “Conversely” is a more formal alternative.
  14. “influences on future life are even more pronounced” -> “the impact on future life is even more significant”
    Explanation: The suggested change uses a more formal and precise vocabulary.
  15. “The foremost reason probably is” -> “The primary reason is likely”
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains formality and removes the uncertainty conveyed by “probably.”
  16. “students could build their relationships more straightforwardly” -> “students can establish relationships more effectively”
    Explanation: The suggested change uses a more formal and precise word choice.
  17. “scores of activities there” -> “numerous activities available”
    Explanation: “Scores of activities” is slightly informal. “Numerous activities available” is more formal.
  18. “which play an instrumental role” -> “which play a crucial role”
    Explanation: The suggested change uses a more precise and formal word choice.
  19. “To sum up” -> “In conclusion”
    Explanation: “In conclusion” is a standard, more formal way to signal the end of the essay.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: “Today, there is a school of thought that holds someone’s success depends most on experiences they gained when being a child, others are of the opinion that it stems from things they underwent when being teenage. This essay will closely examine both viewpoints before concluding I concur with the latter.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction adequately introduces the two viewpoints but lacks a clear summary of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. To enhance clarity, consider providing a brief roadmap of the arguments you will present for both childhood and teenage experiences.
    • Improved example: “Today, opinions diverge on whether success is shaped more by childhood or teenage experiences. This essay will explore the impact of both, discussing how early experiences lay foundations and how teenage years contribute to personal growth. Ultimately, I align with the belief that teenage experiences exert a greater influence.”
  2. Quoted text: “On one hand, it is understandable why some believe experiences from the childhood play an integral role in developing an individual on life later on. Perhaps the key rationale, they propose, is that these are the foundations for their development in the future.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph discusses the childhood viewpoint but lacks specific examples or reasons to support the argument. To strengthen your response, provide concrete examples or personal experiences that illustrate how childhood experiences serve as foundations for future development.
    • Improved example: “On one hand, advocates of childhood experiences argue that early education lays the foundation for future success. For instance, a child exposed to quality education tends to develop strong moral values and etiquettes, contributing to a more successful future.”
  3. Quoted text: “To put differently, things they learned when being a child could have a considerable bearing on personality traits formation and behaviors. For instance, if a child was well-educated formerly, following that, in the future, he or she would likely be moral and have suitable etiquettes.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the paragraph attempts to provide an example, it lacks depth and specificity. Elaborate on how a well-educated childhood leads to specific positive traits and behaviors, making your argument more convincing.
    • Improved example: “To put it differently, a well-educated childhood significantly influences the formation of positive personality traits and behaviors. For example, a child exposed to a nurturing educational environment is more likely to develop moral values and exhibit proper etiquettes, laying the groundwork for a successful future.”
  4. Quoted text: “On the other hand, I side with those who propose the influences on future life are even more pronounced from experiences during their school age. The foremost reason probably is that in this period, students could build their relationships more straightforwardly and also broaden their horizon.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph supports the teenage viewpoint well, highlighting the importance of school-age experiences. To enhance your response further, consider providing a specific example of how building relationships and broadening horizons during school age contribute to future success.
    • Improved example: “On the other hand, I align with those who argue that influences on future life are more pronounced during the school-age years. For instance, during this period, students have ample opportunities to build relationships through participation in various clubs, fostering social skills that are crucial for success in their future careers.”
  5. Quoted text: “Additionally, joining these clubs also offer students chances of contacting more people, and this fosters students’ relationship. Besides, in this period, students could also learn a wealth of beneficial knowledge curated by teachers such as about social skills, academic knowledge, traditions and culture, and among many others, which play an instrumental role in the future.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph provides good points about the benefits of joining clubs and gaining knowledge during school age. To improve, consider offering more specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate how these activities contribute to future success.
    • Improved example: “Furthermore, active participation in clubs provides students with valuable networking opportunities. For instance, engaging in extracurricular activities such as debate clubs or community service not only enhances social skills but also expands students’ social networks, creating avenues for future collaborations and opportunities.”
  6. Overall: The essay covers both viewpoints but lacks specificity in examples, especially in supporting the childhood experiences argument. Additionally, providing a clearer roadmap in the introduction would improve the overall structure and coherence of your essay.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion to some extent. The writer organizes ideas in a somewhat logical manner, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. There is a progression of ideas within paragraphs, and the essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both views and presenting a personal opinion.

Cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas, although there are instances where the connection may be faulty or mechanical. For example, the transition from discussing childhood experiences to teenage experiences is somewhat abrupt. Additionally, there are minor issues with language use and accuracy.

Paragraphing is utilized, but there are moments where it could be improved for better logical flow. The essay lacks a strong topic sentence in each paragraph to clearly indicate the central idea. Some sentences are convoluted, affecting the overall coherence.

Despite these issues, the essay does present a clear central topic within each paragraph and attempts to support ideas with examples. The essay meets the criteria for a Band 6 due to its overall coherence, logical progression, and the use of cohesive devices.

How to improve:

  1. Work on the clarity of ideas and focus on developing a strong topic sentence for each paragraph.
  2. Ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance overall cohesion.
  3. Pay attention to language accuracy and use precise vocabulary to convey ideas.
  4. Revise sentences for clarity and avoid convoluted structures.
  5. Review paragraphing for better logical organization and flow.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, using some less common vocabulary items and attempting to convey ideas with some flexibility. However, there are several inaccuracies in word choice and collocation throughout the essay, which prevent it from reaching a higher band score. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, although they do not significantly impede communication.

The essay attempts to discuss both viewpoints but does not consistently exhibit a very natural or sophisticated control of lexical features. There are numerous instances where word choices could be improved for greater precision and clarity. For example, the phrase “there is a school of thought” could be replaced with “some people believe,” and “things they underwent” could be better expressed as “experiences they went through.” These examples highlight occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation.

There are also some spelling and word formation errors in the essay. For instance, “gaind” should be “gained,” “biggger” should be “bigger,” “understandable why some believe” should be “understandable why some people believe,” and “same things else” should be “similar things, among others.” While these errors do not impede overall comprehension, they do affect the overall impression of language proficiency.

Overall, the essay’s vocabulary and lexical resource fall into the Band 6 category, as it makes an effort to use a range of vocabulary and incorporates some less common words but does so with some inaccuracy and inconsistency in word choice and spelling.

How to improve:

  1. Proofread and edit the essay for spelling and word formation errors to ensure accuracy.
  2. Pay close attention to word choice and collocation to improve precision and clarity in expression.
  3. Avoid using overly complex phrases or expressions that may lead to inaccuracies.
  4. Practice using a wider range of vocabulary and strive for more natural and sophisticated control of lexical features to aim for a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there are instances of complex structures, there are also errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. The ideas are generally clear, but there are frequent grammatical errors that occasionally hinder communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, but the errors reduce the overall accuracy of the language.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation. Proofread the essay to identify and correct errors. For instance, in the first paragraph, “greatest” should be “greatest,” and “gaind” should be “gained.”
  2. Sentence Structure: Work on achieving greater consistency in sentence structure. While there are some complex sentences, ensure that they are used accurately. For example, in the second paragraph, the phrase “same things else” is unclear and could be revised for better clarity.
  3. Word Choice and Expression: Choose words carefully to convey ideas more precisely. For instance, in the last paragraph, “instrumental role in the future” can be refined to enhance clarity.

By refining these aspects, you can elevate the grammatical range and accuracy of your essay, potentially achieving a higher band score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevailing belief that an individual’s future success hinges significantly on their early childhood experiences, while others argue that the teenage years wield a greater influence. This essay will explore both perspectives, ultimately aligning with the view that experiences during adolescence play a more substantial role.

On one side, it is comprehensible why some emphasize the importance of childhood experiences in shaping one’s future. The central argument revolves around these early years serving as the building blocks for future development. In simpler terms, what children learn during their formative years can profoundly shape their personalities and behaviors. For instance, a well-educated child is likely to carry forward moral values and proper etiquette into adulthood. Advocates of this stance assert that such positive traits are crucial for success in future careers. Considering this, the notion that childhood experiences significantly contribute to an individual’s success appears reasonable.

On the contrary, I align with those who argue that the impact of experiences during the school-age years is more pronounced. One primary reason for this is the opportunity for students to build relationships more directly and broaden their horizons during this period. School provides a platform for participation in various clubs and activities, fostering increased activity and social engagement. Joining these clubs exposes students to a wider network of people, thereby enhancing their interpersonal relationships. Furthermore, during these years, students gain valuable knowledge from teachers, encompassing social skills, academic proficiency, and an understanding of traditions and culture – all of which play a pivotal role in shaping their future.

In conclusion, while there are valid reasons to consider the influence of childhood experiences on future life, I contend that the impact of experiences during the school-age years is more substantial. This influence extends beyond personal traits to encompass relationships and the acquisition of knowledge, both of which play a crucial role in shaping an individual’s future.

 

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