Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is often argued that school curricula should include community work, and pupils ought to do it free of charge. This essay will show that such experience at school can be beneficial for children as they learn to be better people and more responsible citizens of their country.
Undoubtedly, volunteering teaches people to empathise with others, not to be indifferent to others’ needs and lend a hand to strangers when it is needed. It is crucial that children acquire these qualities since a very early age, and schools can provide a great opportunity to do that. Looking from my vantage point, I can say that the school where I used to study made me a kinder, more considerate person when my fellow pupils and I participated in a special programme that was aimed at helping older people do housework.
Many educators around the world claim that it is important to make even young children aware of the fact that they are citizens of their country, and that they have their rights and responsibilities. Community service can certainly raise this awareness by showing that even very young people can improve the world around them. For example, in my hometown in Russia, schoolchildren are encouraged to collect recyclable materials such as plastic, paper and glass, and everything that is collected by them accounts for three-quarters of all recyclables in the region.
In conclusion, unpaid labour for the sake of a better neighbourhood has many advantages such as learning to be caring to others and to be in charge of what happens in one’s community. While some countries such as Russia has partly adopted community service for their curricula, more countries can incorporate this element in theirs in the future.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"It is often argued that" -> "It is frequently argued that"
Explanation: Replacing "often" with "frequently" adds a level of formality to the introduction, aligning it with academic style.
"pupils ought to do it free of charge" -> "students should engage in it without compensation"
Explanation: Replacing "pupils ought to do it free of charge" with "students should engage in it without compensation" maintains formality and avoids the informal expression "free of charge."
"This essay will show that" -> "This essay will argue that"
Explanation: Changing "show" to "argue" enhances the academic tone of the sentence, emphasizing the analytical nature of the essay.
"Undoubtedly, volunteering teaches people" -> "Certainly, volunteering instills in individuals"
Explanation: Substituting "Undoubtedly" with "Certainly" and rephrasing "teaches people" to "instills in individuals" refines the sentence, making it more formal and sophisticated.
"not to be indifferent to others’ needs" -> "to not be indifferent to the needs of others"
Explanation: Shifting the word order and specifying "the needs of others" enhances clarity and formality.
"Lend a hand to strangers when it is needed" -> "Offer assistance to strangers when necessary"
Explanation: Replacing "lend a hand" with "offer assistance" and changing "when it is needed" to "when necessary" results in a more formal and precise expression.
"It is crucial that children acquire these qualities" -> "It is imperative that children cultivate these qualities"
Explanation: Substituting "crucial" with "imperative" and changing "acquire" to "cultivate" elevates the formality and precision of the statement.
"Looking from my vantage point" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "Looking from my vantage point" with "From my perspective" maintains formality and eliminates unnecessary wording.
"made me a kinder, more considerate person" -> "contributed to shaping me into a compassionate and thoughtful individual"
Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more detailed and formal expression, avoiding the simplicity of "made me a kinder, more considerate person."
"when my fellow pupils and I participated in a special programme" -> "during my involvement in a specialized program with my fellow pupils"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence enhances formality and precision, providing a more detailed description of the experience.
"Many educators around the world claim" -> "Many educators worldwide assert"
Explanation: Substituting "claim" with "assert" and changing "around the world" to "worldwide" contributes to a more formal and assertive tone.
"it is important to make even young children aware" -> "it is crucial to instill awareness in even young children"
Explanation: Using "crucial" and rephrasing to "instill awareness" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.
"citizens of their country, and that they have their rights and responsibilities" -> "citizens of their country, with corresponding rights and responsibilities"
Explanation: Streamlining the sentence by removing redundancy and specifying "with corresponding rights and responsibilities" improves clarity and formality.
"Community service can certainly raise this awareness" -> "Engaging in community service can undoubtedly enhance this awareness"
Explanation: Substituting "raise" with "enhance" and adding "Engaging in" strengthens the expression, making it more formal.
"very young people can improve the world around them" -> "young individuals can contribute to improving the world around them"
Explanation: Substituting "very" with "young individuals" and changing "improve" to "contribute to improving" enhances precision and formality.
"For example, in my hometown in Russia" -> "For instance, in my hometown in Russia"
Explanation: Replacing "For example" with "For instance" maintains formality while introducing an illustration.
"accounts for three-quarters of all recyclables in the region" -> "constitutes three-quarters of all recyclables in the region"
Explanation: Substituting "accounts for" with "constitutes" adds formality to the statement without sacrificing clarity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the benefits of unpaid community service in schools, emphasizing the development of empathy, responsibility, and citizenship. The author supports their argument with personal experience and examples from different countries.
- How to improve: The essay is strong in addressing all parts of the question. However, to enhance comprehensiveness, the author could explore potential counterarguments briefly before reinforcing their stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing agreement with the idea that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: The clarity of the position is strong. To further enhance consistency, consider integrating the thesis statement into the conclusion, reinforcing the main argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, supporting them with relevant examples and personal experiences. The mention of the author’s personal involvement in a community service program and the recycling initiative in Russia adds depth to the essay.
- How to improve: While the ideas are well-developed, consider providing additional examples or elaborating further on the existing ones to strengthen the essay’s depth and complexity.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic by discussing the benefits of unpaid community service in high school programs. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
- How to improve: Maintain focus on the prompt by avoiding generalizations or statements unrelated to the main topic. Be cautious not to introduce new ideas that could distract from the central argument.
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs supporting the thesis, and a concise conclusion. The language use is proficient, and the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and vocabulary. To improve further, the author can consider addressing potential counterarguments, providing additional examples, and integrating the thesis more explicitly into the conclusion. Overall, an excellent response that meets the criteria for an 8-band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly states the author’s position, followed by two body paragraphs providing examples and arguments. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit and structured thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader.
- How to improve: Consider refining the thesis statement to explicitly outline the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. This will provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the overall logical flow of the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific idea. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both the benefits of volunteering and a personal experience, leading to a slight lack of focus.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and focuses on a single main idea. In the second paragraph, consider separating the discussion of the benefits of volunteering from the personal experience, creating distinct paragraphs for each.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "undoubtedly," "for example," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas and create coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and strategic use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to create more seamless connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a smoother and more sophisticated transition between ideas, ultimately improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, such as "undoubtedly," "indifferent," "vantage point," and "recyclables." However, some repetition of words and phrases like "community service" and "school" is observed, limiting the diversity of vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, strive for greater diversity in word choice. Instead of frequently using terms like "community service" or "school," explore synonyms or alternative expressions. For instance, consider using phrases like "voluntary work" or "educational institutions" to add richness to the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the expression could be more specific. For example, the phrase "helping older people do housework" could be more precise by specifying the type of assistance provided.
- How to improve: Aim for more precision by providing specific details. Instead of a broad statement like "helping older people," specify the nature of the assistance, such as "assisting elderly individuals with daily chores." This will contribute to a more nuanced and precise use of vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few spelling errors, such as "pupils" (used twice), which could be considered as a repetition issue rather than a spelling mistake.
- How to improve: Pay attention to the choice of words to avoid unintentional repetition. In terms of spelling accuracy, continue to proofread your work carefully, and consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, expand your vocabulary to minimize reliance on certain words, further enhancing overall spelling accuracy.
In conclusion, the essay displays a commendable level of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary and refining precision. The spelling issues are minor and can be addressed through careful proofreading and continued efforts to expand your word choices. Keep refining your language skills to enhance the overall lexical quality of your essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, but there is room for improvement in the diversity of sentence structures. The essay tends to rely on straightforward sentence constructions, and more complex structures could be incorporated to enhance overall fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences, varied sentence lengths, and rhetorical devices. For instance, you may experiment with the use of appositives, participial phrases, and varied clause structures to add complexity and sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistently maintained, and some minor punctuation errors are present (e.g., missing commas after introductory phrases). Additionally, there are a few awkward phrasings that slightly impact clarity.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Review and revise sentences where agreement issues arise. Regarding punctuation, focus on correct comma usage, especially after introductory elements. To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing awkward constructions for smoother readability. Proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct these minor issues.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures, but attention to detail in terms of sentence variety, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation will contribute to further improvement.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is frequently argued that school programs should include community service, and students should engage in it without compensation. This essay will argue that such experiences can benefit children, helping them become better individuals and responsible citizens of their country.
Certainly, volunteering instills in individuals the importance of empathy, teaching them not to be indifferent to the needs of others. Offering assistance to strangers when necessary becomes a natural response. It is imperative that children cultivate these qualities from a young age, and schools can provide an excellent opportunity for that. From my perspective, participating in a specialized program with my fellow pupils during my school days contributed to shaping me into a compassionate and thoughtful individual, particularly when we assisted older people with housework.
Many educators worldwide assert that it is crucial to instill awareness in even young children that they are citizens of their country, with corresponding rights and responsibilities. Engaging in community service can undoubtedly enhance this awareness, demonstrating that even young individuals can contribute to improving the world around them. For instance, in my hometown in Russia, schoolchildren are encouraged to collect recyclable materials such as plastic, paper, and glass. Remarkably, the materials they collect constitute three-quarters of all recyclables in the region.
In conclusion, the argument for unpaid community service in school programs has many advantages, including fostering care for others and promoting a sense of responsibility for one’s community. While some countries, like Russia, have partly adopted community service in their curricula, it is hoped that more nations will incorporate this element in the future.