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Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

In this day and age there has been heated controversy about the violence in films are affecting a lot of people. While that is a common consensus that violent films should be banned from every television or Cinema, I am more convinced that the authorities should take action in decrease the violent actions in films

On the one hand, there are some reasons to believe that releasing violence in film can have a lot of positive effects. The bullying in schools is becoming more and more triggered, and the main reason for this is students recently have an opportunity to expose violent films. If films do not have any violent action synonyms teenagers cannot see and learn dangerous actions and do the same actions with their friends. Improving the school environment is the best way to encourage students to enroll in school and promote the Nation’s education

On the other hand, I firmly believe that the Authority should take action in reduce the damage actions in films. Movies are a form of entertainment; moreover, the entertainment industry is still a high-profit category that contributes to the nation's economy. So,if forbidding radical violent films can affect to economy. Besides, for a lot of young people who have to work all day and need to relax after time in agency, they look at films such as a type to entertain and reduce stress after a hard working day therefore bending completely violent films is not suitable

In conclusion, although it is often believe that violin films should be prohibited out of television and Cinema, I am more convinced that the government should take some actions to reduce the plane of violence in films


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this day and age there has been heated controversy about the violence in films are affecting a lot of people." -> "In contemporary times, there has been heated controversy surrounding the impact of violence in films on individuals."
    Explanation: The phrase "In this day and age" is informal; replacing it with "In contemporary times" enhances the formality of the statement. Also, the original sentence has a subject-verb agreement issue ("violence in films are affecting"); the corrected version resolves this issue.

  2. "While that is a common consensus that violent films should be banned from every television or Cinema," -> "While there is a common consensus that violent films should be prohibited from both television and cinema,"
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and has an awkward structure. The suggested revision clarifies the idea and improves sentence structure by specifying where violent films should be prohibited.

  3. "I am more convinced that the authorities should take action in decrease the violent actions in films." -> "I am firmly convinced that authorities should take measures to decrease the depiction of violent actions in films."
    Explanation: The phrase "I am more convinced" is imprecise; using "I am firmly convinced" strengthens the statement. Additionally, "take action in decrease" is awkward; replacing it with "take measures to decrease" improves clarity and formality.

  4. "On the one hand, there are some reasons to believe that releasing violence in film can have a lot of positive effects." -> "On one hand, there are compelling reasons to argue that the portrayal of violence in films can yield positive effects."
    Explanation: The phrase "releasing violence in film" is unclear and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the idea and uses more formal language.

  5. "The bullying in schools is becoming more and more triggered, and the main reason for this is students recently have an opportunity to expose violent films." -> "Incidents of bullying in schools are on the rise, with a significant contributing factor being the recent accessibility of violent films to students."
    Explanation: The original sentence has unclear phrasing and lacks precision. The revised version clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship and uses more formal language.

  6. "If films do not have any violent action synonyms teenagers cannot see and learn dangerous actions and do the same actions with their friends." -> "Without films depicting violent actions, teenagers may be deprived of the opportunity to witness and emulate dangerous behaviors with their peers."
    Explanation: The phrase "violent action synonyms" is unclear and informal. The suggested revision provides a more precise and formal expression.

  7. "Improving the school environment is the best way to encourage students to enroll in school and promote the Nation’s education." -> "Enhancing the school environment is a paramount strategy to incentivize student enrollment and advance the nation’s education."
    Explanation: The original sentence is a bit simplistic, and the revised version adds formality and clarity to the statement.

  8. "On the other hand, I firmly believe that the Authority should take action in reduce the damage actions in films." -> "On the other hand, I firmly believe that authorities should take action to mitigate the portrayal of harmful actions in films."
    Explanation: The phrase "the Authority" is too general and informal. Using "authorities" adds precision and formality. Additionally, "in reduce" is awkward; replacing it with "to mitigate" improves the sentence structure.

  9. "So, if forbidding radical violent films can affect to economy." -> "So, prohibiting excessively violent films can have an impact on the economy."
    Explanation: The original sentence has a subject-verb agreement issue ("can affect to economy"); the corrected version addresses this issue. Additionally, "forbidding radical violent films" is more formal than the original wording.

  10. "They look at films such as a type to entertain and reduce stress after a hard working day therefore bending completely violent films is not suitable." -> "Many individuals view films as a means of entertainment and stress relief after a challenging workday; hence, a complete ban on excessively violent films may not be appropriate."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested revision improves sentence structure and adds formality to the statement.

  11. "although it is often believe that violin films should be prohibited out of television and Cinema," -> "Although it is often believed that violent films should be prohibited from television and cinema,"
    Explanation: The original sentence has a subject-verb agreement issue ("it is often believe"); the corrected version addresses this issue. Additionally, "prohibited out of television and Cinema" is unclear; replacing it with "prohibited from television and cinema" improves clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views on the regulation of violence in films but is somewhat unclear in its structure. It discusses the idea that violent films should be banned but then emphasizes the need for authorities to reduce violence in films. The lack of a clear separation between the two views may cause confusion. For example, the opening statement mentions a consensus on banning violent films, but the subsequent discussion focuses on the positive effects of violence in films.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should clearly present arguments in favor of and against the regulation of violent films, and your personal opinion should be explicitly stated. Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to each view for clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay states a position in favor of authorities taking action to reduce violence in films, but the expression is somewhat convoluted. There is a need for more direct language to clearly convey the writer’s stance. Additionally, the connection between the introductory statement and the subsequent content could be improved for a more cohesive presentation.
    • How to improve: Clearly state your position in the introduction and consistently reinforce it throughout the essay. Use explicit language to express your opinion and ensure that each paragraph aligns with and supports your stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present ideas, but the development is limited. For instance, the argument about bullying in schools and the influence of violent films is underdeveloped, lacking specific examples or evidence. The economic impact of banning violent films is mentioned but not expanded upon. More elaboration and concrete examples are needed to strengthen the essay’s argumentation.
    • How to improve: Strengthen your ideas by providing specific examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to support your points. Develop each argument more thoroughly to enhance the overall persuasiveness of your essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, but there are instances of unclear expression that may distract from the main points. For example, the statement, "the authorities should take action in decrease the violent actions in films," is somewhat ambiguous and could be refined for better clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on expressing ideas with clarity and precision. Avoid ambiguous statements and ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Consider revising sentences for more straightforward and effective communication.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, organization, and development of ideas. Strengthening the essay’s structure and providing more detailed support for arguments would enhance its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization. The introduction sets the stage for the topic, presenting the two views. However, the body paragraphs could be more organized. The first body paragraph discusses reasons supporting the release of violent films, while the second presents reasons for government intervention. This lack of a clear progression affects the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider a more structured approach. For example, dedicate one body paragraph to each viewpoint, providing reasons and examples to support each perspective. This would result in a clearer and more organized presentation of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure could be improved for better effectiveness. Some paragraphs are lengthy, covering multiple ideas, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the second paragraph contains ideas about bullying, teenagers learning dangerous actions, and improving the school environment. Each of these points could be a separate paragraph for clearer organization.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a specific idea or argument. Start a new paragraph when introducing a new point. This helps readers follow the flow of ideas more easily, improving both coherence and cohesion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, the variety is limited, and the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For instance, the transition between the introduction and the body paragraphs lacks a smooth link.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used. Instead of relying solely on transitions, consider using pronouns, parallel structures, and repeating key terms. This will create stronger links between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement. A more structured approach to organizing information, clearer paragraphing, and a wider range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of word choices. The writer relies on some repetitive language, such as "violent films" and "actions in films," which limits the diversity of expression. For instance, the term "violent actions" could be substituted with alternatives like "aggressive behavior" or "harmful conduct" to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using the term "violent," explore more nuanced words that convey similar meanings. Additionally, expand your vocabulary by reading widely and paying attention to different ways words are used in various contexts.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is somewhat inconsistent. Certain expressions lack clarity or could be refined for greater accuracy. For instance, the phrase "the violence in films are affecting a lot of people" could be clarified by specifying the impact, such as "the portrayal of violence in films negatively influences individuals." There are instances where more precise and contextually fitting words could replace general terms, enhancing the overall precision of the essay.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Take time to consider the most fitting term for a given context, ensuring that it accurately reflects your intended message. Reading extensively and paying attention to how words are used in different contexts will help you develop a more nuanced and precise vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors. For example, "violin films" should be corrected to "violent films." To maintain a higher level of spelling accuracy, careful proofreading and using spelling and grammar checking tools are recommended.
    • How to improve: Continue practicing and honing your spelling skills. Make use of spell-check tools and proofread your work thoroughly before submission to catch any inadvertent errors. Developing a habit of reviewing and correcting your writing will contribute to improved spelling accuracy over time.

Overall, the essay displays a reasonably competent use of vocabulary, but further attention to variety, precision, and spelling accuracy could elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. However, there is a tendency to use simple sentences, and the essay lacks variety in sentence lengths. The writer frequently relies on basic sentence structures, which can affect the overall sophistication of the essay. For instance, the repeated use of simple sentences like "Improving the school environment is the best way to encourage students to enroll in school and promote the Nation’s education" hinders the development of more complex structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, the writer should experiment with compound and complex sentences. Incorporating subordinating conjunctions, relative clauses, and varying sentence lengths will add depth and complexity to the writing. For instance, instead of using repetitive structures, consider combining ideas in a more intricate manner.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of grammatical accuracy. There are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that impact clarity. For example, the sentence "In this day and age there has been heated controversy about the violence in films are affecting a lot of people" contains subject-verb agreement issues. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect usage of semicolons, are present in several places.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully review sentence structures and ensure subject-verb agreement. Paying attention to punctuation rules, particularly the correct use of commas and semicolons, will enhance the overall clarity of the essay. Consider utilizing complex structures with precision to convey ideas more effectively. Proofreading for grammatical errors before submission is essential.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in English, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will contribute to achieving a higher band score for the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there has been heated controversy surrounding the impact of violence in films on individuals. While there is a common consensus that violent films should be prohibited from both television and cinema, I am firmly convinced that authorities should take measures to decrease the depiction of violent actions in films.

On one hand, there are compelling reasons to argue that the portrayal of violence in films can yield positive effects. Incidents of bullying in schools are on the rise, with a significant contributing factor being the recent accessibility of violent films to students. Without films depicting violent actions, teenagers may be deprived of the opportunity to witness and emulate dangerous behaviors with their peers. Enhancing the school environment is a paramount strategy to incentivize student enrollment and advance the nation’s education.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that authorities should take action to mitigate the portrayal of harmful actions in films. So, prohibiting excessively violent films can have an impact on the economy. Many individuals view films as a means of entertainment and stress relief after a challenging workday; hence, a complete ban on excessively violent films may not be appropriate. Although it is often believed that violent films should be prohibited from television and cinema, I am more convinced that the government should take some actions to reduce the level of violence in films.

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