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Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

In this day and age there has been heated controversy about the violence in films are affected a lot of people. While that is a common consensus that violence films should be banned out of every television or Cinema, I am more convinced that the authority should take an action in decrease the violence actions in films

On the one hand, there are some reasons to believe that releasing violence in film can have a lot of positive effects. The bully in schools are become more and more trigger, and the main reason for this is students recently have an opportunity to expose violence films. If films not have any violence action synonym to teenagers cannot see and learn dangerous actions and do the same actions with their friends. Improving school environment is the best way to encourage student to enroll in school and promote Nation’s education

On the other hand I firmly believe that Authority should take actions in reduce the damage actions in films. Movies is a form of entertainment ; moreover, entertainment industry is still a high-profit category which contribute to nation's economy. So if For beating radical violence films can affect to economy. Besides, for a lot of young people who have to work all day and need to relax after time in agency, they look at films such as a type to entertain and reduce stress after a hard working day therefore bending completely violence films is not suitable

In conclusion although it is often believe that violin films should be prohibited out of television and Cinema, I am more convinced that government should do some actions in reduce the plane of violence in films


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this day and age there has been heated controversy about the violence in films are affected a lot of people." -> "In contemporary times, there has been heated controversy regarding the impact of violence in films on individuals."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces the informal phrase "In this day and age" with the more formal "In contemporary times" and corrects the grammatical error in "films are affected" to maintain a formal and accurate expression.

  2. "While that is a common consensus that violence films should be banned out of every television or Cinema, I am more convinced that the authority should take an action in decrease the violence actions in films." -> "While there is a common consensus that violent films should be banned from all television or cinema, I am convinced that authorities should take action to reduce violent scenes in films."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate redundancy and improve the clarity of the sentence. "Violence films" is changed to "violent films," and the phrase "out of every television or Cinema" is refined to "from all television or cinema" for better fluency.

  3. "On the one hand, there are some reasons to believe that releasing violence in film can have a lot of positive effects." -> "On one hand, there are compelling reasons to argue that the depiction of violence in films can yield positive effects."
    Explanation: The suggested revision enhances the formality of the expression by removing unnecessary words, such as "some" and "a lot of," and by rephrasing to a more concise and academic style.

  4. "The bully in schools are become more and more trigger, and the main reason for this is students recently have an opportunity to expose violence films." -> "Bullying in schools is becoming increasingly prevalent, with a major contributing factor being the recent exposure of students to violent films."
    Explanation: The correction addresses grammatical errors and replaces colloquial language with a more formal tone. "The bully" is changed to "bullying," and "are become" is corrected to "is becoming."

  5. "If films not have any violence action synonym to teenagers cannot see and learn dangerous actions and do the same actions with their friends." -> "Without any portrayal of violent actions in films, teenagers may be deprived of the opportunity to witness and learn about dangerous behaviors, potentially leading to emulation among peers."
    Explanation: The revision improves the structure and formality of the sentence, replacing informal expressions like "not have" with "without" and providing a more precise description of the consequences.

  6. "Improving school environment is the best way to encourage student to enroll in school and promote Nation’s education." -> "Enhancing the school environment is the most effective approach to encourage students to enroll in school and promote the nation’s education."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality and clarity of the sentence. "Improving" is replaced with "enhancing," and the phrase is restructured for better flow and precision.

  7. "On the other hand I firmly believe that Authority should take actions in reduce the damage actions in films." -> "On the other hand, I firmly believe that authorities should take actions to mitigate the harmful impact of violent scenes in films."
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces a more formal expression, replacing "Authority" with "authorities" and improving the structure of the sentence for clarity.

  8. "Movies is a form of entertainment ; moreover, entertainment industry is still a high-profit category which contribute to nation’s economy." -> "Movies constitute a form of entertainment; furthermore, the entertainment industry remains a high-profit sector contributing to the nation’s economy."
    Explanation: The suggested changes correct the subject-verb agreement ("Movies is" to "Movies are") and improve the overall formality and coherence of the sentence.

  9. "So if For beating radical violence films can affect to economy." -> "Therefore, combating radical violence in films can have repercussions on the economy."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates redundant and awkward phrases, providing a clearer and more concise expression. "So if For beating" is replaced with "Therefore, combating."

  10. "Besides, for a lot of young people who have to work all day and need to relax after time in agency, they look at films such as a type to entertain and reduce stress after a hard working day therefore bending completely violence films is not suitable." -> "Moreover, for many young individuals who work extensively and seek relaxation after their time at the workplace, films serve as a means of entertainment and stress relief. Hence, a complete ban on violent films may not be appropriate."
    Explanation: The revision enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence, replacing informal phrases like "for a lot of" with "for many" and rephrasing to improve flow and precision.

  11. "In conclusion although it is often believe that violin films should be prohibited out of television and Cinema, I am more convinced that government should do some actions in reduce the plane of violence in films." -> "In conclusion, although there is often a belief that violent films should be prohibited from television and cinema, I am more convinced that the government should take action to reduce the prevalence of violence in films."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve the overall formality and correctness of the sentence, replacing "it is often believe" with "there is often a belief" and refining the expression of the government’s role in reducing violence in films.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views, mentioning reasons for and against the regulation of violent films. However, the discussion is somewhat unclear and lacks depth. Specific examples or evidence are needed to support the arguments.
    • How to improve: To improve, provide a more comprehensive analysis of both perspectives, using specific examples or scenarios. Clarify and expand on each point to ensure a thorough coverage of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay leans towards the idea that the government should take action to reduce violence in films. The position is somewhat clear, but there are instances where the stance is not consistently maintained, leading to confusion.
    • How to improve: Maintain a consistent and clear position throughout the essay. Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph reinforces your stance. Avoid conflicting statements that might undermine the clarity of your position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and support. The arguments are vague and need more specific details, examples, or evidence to strengthen the points made.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each point with specific examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios. Provide in-depth explanations and connect ideas logically to make the essay more convincing and well-supported.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay somewhat addresses the topic but deviates at times, leading to a lack of focus. The discussion on the economic impact of banning violent films seems tangential to the main topic.
    • How to improve: Stay focused on the main theme of whether the government should regulate violence in films. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas that can distract from the central argument. Ensure all points contribute directly to the discussion of regulating violence in films.

Overall Feedback:
The essay shows potential but needs improvement in clarity, depth, and focus. Work on providing more detailed examples, maintaining a consistent position, and staying on topic. Consider refining the structure to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Additionally, proofread for grammar and coherence to elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some logical organization by presenting arguments on both sides of the issue. However, the introduction lacks clarity, and there are instances of unclear connections between ideas. For example, the transition between the first and second paragraphs is abrupt, and the reasoning within paragraphs can be unclear.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear introduction that provides an overview of the essay’s main points. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and use transition words to guide the reader through the flow of ideas. Revise sentence structures for smoother transitions.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their structure is inconsistent. Paragraphs lack unity and coherence, making it challenging for the reader to follow the arguments effectively.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Develop the idea coherently within the paragraph and end with a concluding sentence that leads smoothly to the next point. This will improve overall readability and comprehension.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use cohesive devices such as linking words (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices are limited, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. Include a wider range of transition words and phrases (e.g., moreover, furthermore, consequently) to provide a smoother and more cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that the use of cohesive devices contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the effective use of cohesive devices. Focus on providing a clear structure, improving paragraph coherence, and diversifying cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some diverse words are used, there is a tendency to repeat certain words and phrases, such as "violence" and "films," without introducing sufficient synonyms. For example, the phrase "violence in films" is frequently reiterated without exploring alternative expressions for "violence" or "films."
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, try incorporating a more varied selection of vocabulary. Instead of relying on repetitive terms, consider using synonyms or alternative expressions. For instance, use words like "aggression," "brutality," or "cruelty" instead of repeatedly using "violence." Additionally, explore synonyms for "films," such as "movies," "cinema," or "motion pictures."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that impact the clarity of expression. For example, in the phrase "the bully in schools are become more and more trigger," the use of "trigger" seems unclear and imprecise. It is essential to choose words that accurately convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, select words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, consider using terms like "provoked" or "aggravated" instead of "trigger." Ensure that each word chosen contributes to a clearer and more accurate expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect the overall quality of writing. For instance, "controversy about the violence in films are affected" should be corrected to "controversy about the impact of violence in films." Additionally, there are errors like "violin films" instead of "violent films" and "bending completely violence films" instead of "banning violent films."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully before submission. Utilize tools like spell-check software and pay close attention to common spelling mistakes. Reviewing the essay for accuracy will contribute significantly to the overall professionalism of the writing.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are recommended to enhance the overall quality of expression and meet higher band score criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. There is a noticeable repetition of sentence structures, with several sentences beginning with similar patterns. For instance, the essay frequently uses simple sentences, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which can make the writing less engaging and hinder the overall flow. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and word choices that impact the clarity of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of sentence structures, the writer should consider incorporating complex and compound sentences. Introduce variety by experimenting with different sentence beginnings and lengths. This can be achieved by using introductory phrases, subordinating conjunctions, and varied sentence structures. Proofreading for clarity and coherence will help identify and rectify awkward phrasing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "controversy about the violence in films are affected," where ‘are’ should be replaced with ‘is.’ Additionally, there are punctuation errors, including missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization (e.g., "violence films" instead of "violent films").
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs agree in number with their subjects. Careful proofreading is essential to identify and correct punctuation errors, including proper comma usage. Consistent capitalization should be maintained throughout the essay. Utilizing grammar check tools or seeking feedback from peers can assist in improving overall grammatical accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay presents some valid points, its effectiveness is hampered by a limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies. Improving these aspects will contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there has been heated controversy regarding the impact of violence in films on individuals. While there is a common consensus that violent films should be banned from all television or cinema, I am convinced that authorities should take action to reduce violent scenes in films.

On one hand, there are compelling reasons to argue that the depiction of violence in films can yield positive effects. Bullying in schools is becoming increasingly prevalent, with a major contributing factor being the recent exposure of students to violent films. Without any portrayal of violent actions in films, teenagers may be deprived of the opportunity to witness and learn about dangerous behaviors, potentially leading to emulation among peers. Enhancing the school environment is the most effective approach to encourage students to enroll in school and promote the nation’s education.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that authorities should take actions to mitigate the harmful impact of violent scenes in films. Movies constitute a form of entertainment; furthermore, the entertainment industry remains a high-profit sector contributing to the nation’s economy. Therefore, combating radical violence in films can have repercussions on the economy. Moreover, for many young individuals who work extensively and seek relaxation after their time at the workplace, films serve as a means of entertainment and stress relief. Hence, a complete ban on violent films may not be appropriate.

In conclusion, although there is often a belief that violent films should be prohibited from television and cinema, I am more convinced that the government should take action to reduce the prevalence of violence in films.

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