Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is thought that the privacy of celebrities should not be exposed to the public. I strongly agree with this statement because such material can be harmful to the figure and also private lives are one of the human rights and exposing it to the public can be breaking the law.

Exposing information on a famous person's life to the public can lead to danger, not just to the person but also to their relatives. This is because revealing such knowledge can lead to unwanted comments or allegations, which can lead to great distress. In Vietnam for example, in 2017 there was a celebrity called Nhat Linh who just got depressed and attempted to commit suicide because she could not hold the amount of hate comments coming to her family's private social media.

Furthermore, exposing private information could lead to breaking the law since it is one of human rights. This is because privacy is one of the fundamental policies in our society and obtaining one of those should require consent. Thus, obtaining this type of information by force could lead to breaching and publicizing unwanted details. In Vietnam for instance, in 2018 Rizky whose one of the big personalities in Indonesia got exposed to where he usually does his laundry and it led to people coming to that same place and giving discomfort feeling for him.

In conclusion, I strongly support that celebrity privacy should not be the subject of interest to media because revealing such information could destroy a celebrity's life, and the process of gathering the details can lead to crime

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"It is thought that" -> "It is widely believed that"
Explanation: Replacing "It is thought that" with "It is widely believed that" adds a more formal and authoritative tone, aligning with academic style and emphasizing the prevalence of the belief.
"I strongly agree with this statement because" -> "I firmly support this assertion because"
Explanation: Replacing "I strongly agree with this statement because" with "I firmly support this assertion because" introduces a more sophisticated expression, emphasizing conviction while maintaining formality.
"such material can be harmful to the figure" -> "such information can be detrimental to the individual’s reputation"
Explanation: Substituting "material" with "information" and "harmful to the figure" with "detrimental to the individual’s reputation" enhances clarity and replaces a colloquial term with a more formal one.
"private lives are one of the human rights" -> "privacy is a fundamental human right"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "privacy is a fundamental human right" offers a more concise and academically appropriate expression, emphasizing the significance of privacy.
"can be breaking the law" -> "may constitute a legal violation"
Explanation: Replacing "can be breaking the law" with "may constitute a legal violation" provides a more precise and formal phrasing, emphasizing the potential legal consequences.
"revealing such knowledge can lead to unwanted comments or allegations" -> "disclosing such information can result in unwarranted comments or allegations"
Explanation: Substituting "revealing such knowledge" with "disclosing such information" and "unwanted comments" with "unwarranted comments" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.
"there was a celebrity called Nhat Linh who just got depressed" -> "a celebrity named Nhat Linh who experienced depression"
Explanation: Replacing "there was a celebrity called" with "a celebrity named" and "who just got depressed" with "who experienced depression" improves the formality and clarity of the sentence.
"the amount of hate comments coming to her family’s private social media" -> "the influx of derogatory comments directed at her family’s private social media accounts"
Explanation: Substituting "amount of hate comments" with "influx of derogatory comments" and "coming to" with "directed at" enhances precision and formalizes the language.
"one of the big personalities in Indonesia got exposed to where he usually does his laundry" -> "a prominent figure in Indonesia had his usual laundry location disclosed"
Explanation: Replacing "one of the big personalities in" with "a prominent figure in," and "got exposed to where he usually does his laundry" with "had his usual laundry location disclosed" results in a more formal and detailed expression.
"giving discomfort feeling for him" -> "causing discomfort to him"
Explanation: Replacing "giving discomfort feeling for him" with "causing discomfort to him" offers a more concise and formal expression while maintaining clarity.
"I strongly support that" -> "I firmly advocate that"
Explanation: Substituting "I strongly support that" with "I firmly advocate that" introduces a more formal and persuasive tone, aligning with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the idea that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media and clearly expresses strong agreement with this viewpoint. The essay mentions potential harm to celebrities and their families and emphasizes the violation of privacy as a human right.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples or details related to the potential harm caused by media intrusion into celebrities’ private lives. This will strengthen your argument and further support your stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently expressing strong agreement with the idea that the private lives of celebrities should not be exposed. Each paragraph reinforces this stance, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Continue to be vigilant in maintaining a clear and consistent position. Ensure that every paragraph and supporting point aligns with your chosen stance, avoiding any ambiguity in your viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay successfully presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides a relevant example from Vietnam (Nhat Linh’s case) to illustrate the potential dangers and distress caused by exposing celebrity lives. Another example (Rizky’s case) supports the argument about the violation of human rights.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider exploring different dimensions of the issue. For instance, delve deeper into the societal implications or discuss potential counterarguments to further strengthen your analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively stays on topic, consistently discussing the negative consequences of exposing celebrities’ private lives. There are no significant deviations from the main theme, ensuring relevance throughout.
- How to improve: Maintain this focus on the topic by avoiding unnecessary details or unrelated information. Ensure that every sentence directly contributes to the central argument and does not sidetrack into tangential issues.

In summary, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and effectively conveys the writer’s viewpoint. To improve, consider providing more detailed examples, exploring different dimensions of the issue, and maintaining a laser focus on the central argument throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction sets the tone by presenting a clear stance, and each body paragraph presents a separate argument. However, the overall flow could be improved. For instance, the connection between the danger to celebrities and their relatives and the legal aspect of privacy feels somewhat abrupt. The progression lacks a smooth transition, impacting the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a smoother transition between ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Ensure that the progression of ideas is seamless and follows a logical sequence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall clarity. However, the third paragraph is lengthy and discusses two different examples (Nhat Linh and Rizky) without a clear separation. This affects the effectiveness of the paragraph structure.
- How to improve: Break down the third paragraph into two smaller paragraphs, each dedicated to a single example. This will enhance clarity and make the presentation more reader-friendly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. For instance, the link between ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened with more cohesive devices.
- How to improve: Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional expressions within and between sentences. This will create a smoother flow and enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay. Vary sentence structures to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, including words such as "exposed," "allegations," "distress," "fundamental," "breaching," and "publicizing." However, there is room for improvement, as some ideas are expressed with repetitive language, such as "celebrity privacy" and "revealing such information."
- How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "celebrity privacy," use alternatives like "personal autonomy" or "individual confidentiality." This will contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise, with terms like "human rights," "fundamental policies," and "breaching." However, there are instances where more specific or contextually fitting words could be employed. For example, the essay mentions "unwanted comments or allegations"; using "unfounded accusations" or "baseless criticism" might add precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully select words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, consider using terms that capture the negative aspect of comments or allegations more accurately, contributing to a more refined expression of ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays correct spelling throughout, with no major spelling errors detected.
- How to improve: Maintain this high standard by continuing to proofread your work. As a suggestion, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to catch any minor errors that might be overlooked during manual proofreading. Regular practice will also contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, with specific strengths in conveying ideas related to privacy, human rights, and societal implications. To further elevate the lexical resource, focus on incorporating more varied and nuanced expressions, selecting words with utmost precision, and maintaining the excellent spelling accuracy already exhibited.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For instance, it uses complex sentences such as "Exposing information on a famous person’s life to the public can lead to danger, not just to the person but also to their relatives." However, there is room for improvement in the variety of structures. More complex and compound-complex sentences could be incorporated to enhance the overall sophistication and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences, using phrases and clauses effectively. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, experiment with combining ideas in a single sentence to create a more fluid and nuanced expression.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors, such as in the phrase "a celebrity called Nhat Linh," could be addressed. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like the missing comma in "in 2017 there was a celebrity called Nhat Linh," which could be rectified for clearer expression.
- How to improve: Review the essay for common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. In particular, pay attention to proper noun capitalization, ensuring consistency. Furthermore, carefully proofread for punctuation errors, including missing commas and misuse of apostrophes. Utilize tools like grammar checkers to catch and correct these issues systematically.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, enhancing sentence structure variety and addressing minor grammatical and punctuation errors could elevate the overall quality and cohesiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. I firmly support this assertion because such information can be detrimental to the individual’s reputation, and privacy is a fundamental human right that, when violated, may constitute a legal violation.

Exposing information about a famous person’s life to the public can lead to danger, not just for the person but also for their relatives. Disclosing such knowledge can result in unwarranted comments or allegations, causing great distress. In Vietnam, for example, in 2017, a celebrity named Nhat Linh experienced depression and attempted suicide because of the influx of derogatory comments directed at her family’s private social media accounts.

Furthermore, exposing private information could lead to a breach of the law since privacy is one of the fundamental policies in our society, and obtaining such information should require consent. Thus, obtaining this type of information by force could lead to breaching and publicizing unwanted details. In Vietnam, for instance, in 2018, a prominent figure in Indonesia had his usual laundry location disclosed, causing discomfort to him.

In conclusion, I firmly advocate that the media should not focus on celebrity privacy because revealing such information could destroy a celebrity’s life, and the process of gathering the details can lead to crime.