Some people have argued that video games are a waste of time, and people should spend their time and money on better hobbies. Compare and contrast the benefits of video games with other hobbies. In your opinion, which is more useful & Why?

It is argued that playing video games is a waste of time, so people should make use of
that time and money on healthier hobbies. According to my opinion, I would side with
individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them the most in term of
personal development and social skills
In terms of personal development, video games, which cover a variety of games,
can train people's creativity and problem-solving skills. However, this activity does not
provide the practical application of these skills most of the time unlike cooking, for
example, people not only read and understand the steps in the recipe but also try to
follow the steps alongside it. Like video games, this activity can train people's
creativity skills by trying to change or create a new technique and train their problem-
solving skills by overcoming the problems they find. As a
result, doing other hobbies that can improve someone's personal development is better
than only playing video games.
Playing video games also affects the way people communicate with others such
as playing too many of them can give an addiction that prevents the players from
meeting and talking to other people or learning to say foul languages. Of course, they
can talk to other players while playing and communicate with them, but the talk will be
about video games. In contrast, doing sport activity in a club where they can
meet other people can help improve their social skills. This also means that they don’t
stay at home, but they can go outside and talk to many people in the. Thus, it results in
the improvement of their social skills.
Therefore, I completely agree with those who believe
that people should spend their time or money on doing other beneficial hobbies.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"playing video games is a waste of time" -> "engaging in video games is a waste of time"
Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more formal and precise term than "playing," which is more commonly used in casual conversations.
"make use of that time and money on healthier hobbies" -> "utilize that time and resources on more beneficial pursuits"
Explanation: "Utilize" is more formal than "make use of," and "resources" is a broader term that encompasses both time and money, making the phrase more comprehensive and formal.
"I would side with individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them the most" -> "I concur with individuals who advocate for activities that benefit them most"
Explanation: "Concur" is more formal than "side with," and "advocate for" is more precise than "contend with," which is typically used in a more confrontational context. "Activities that benefit them most" is grammatically correct and clearer than the original phrase.
"in term of" -> "in terms of"
Explanation: "In terms of" is the correct idiomatic expression, whereas "in term of" is a typographical error.
"video games, which cover a variety of games," -> "video games, encompassing a diverse range of genres"
Explanation: "Encompassing a diverse range of genres" is more specific and academically appropriate than the vague "cover a variety of games."
"most of the time unlike cooking" -> "more frequently than in cooking"
Explanation: "More frequently than in cooking" is a clearer and more formal way to compare the frequency of practical application in different activities.
"people not only read and understand the steps in the recipe but also try to follow the steps alongside it" -> "individuals not only read and comprehend the recipe steps but also attempt to execute them"
Explanation: "Comprehend" and "execute" are more precise and formal than "read and understand" and "try to follow," respectively, enhancing the academic tone.
"Like video games, this activity can train people’s creativity skills" -> "Similarly, this activity can enhance individuals’ creative skills"
Explanation: "Enhance" is more precise than "train," and "individuals’ creative skills" is more formal than "people’s creativity skills."
"doing other hobbies that can improve someone’s personal development" -> "pursuing other hobbies that can enhance personal development"
Explanation: "Pursuing" is more formal than "doing," and "enhance" is preferred over "improve" in academic writing for its more precise connotation.
"playing too many of them can give an addiction" -> "excessive play can lead to addiction"
Explanation: "Excessive play" is a more formal and concise way to describe the quantity of gaming, and "lead to" is a more precise causal link than "give an."
"learning to say foul languages" -> "developing proficiency in profanity"
Explanation: "Developing proficiency in profanity" is a more formal and precise way to describe the acquisition of inappropriate language skills.
"doing sport activity in a club" -> "participating in sports activities at a club"
Explanation: "Participating in sports activities" is more formal and specific than "doing sport activity," and "at a club" is more appropriate than "in a club."
"they can go outside and talk to many people in the" -> "they can venture outdoors and engage with numerous individuals"
Explanation: "Venture outdoors" and "engage with numerous individuals" are more formal and precise than "go outside and talk to many people in the."
"it results in the improvement of their social skills" -> "this leads to enhanced social skills"
Explanation: "This leads to enhanced social skills" is more concise and formal, improving the flow and precision of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by comparing video games with other hobbies, specifically focusing on personal development and social skills. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the benefits of video games, which could have provided a more balanced comparison. For instance, while the essay mentions creativity and problem-solving skills associated with video games, it does not delve into other potential benefits, such as teamwork or strategic thinking that can also be developed through gaming.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include a more comprehensive discussion of the benefits of video games alongside those of other hobbies. This could involve providing specific examples of video games that promote teamwork or critical thinking, thus offering a more nuanced comparison.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that favors other hobbies over video games. However, the phrasing is somewhat convoluted, particularly in the introduction, which could confuse readers. Phrases like "individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them the most" lack clarity and could mislead the reader about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should use straightforward language and clearly state their opinion in the introduction. A more direct thesis statement that outlines the main arguments would help guide the reader through the essay. For example, stating "While video games have some benefits, I believe that engaging in other hobbies is more beneficial for personal development and social skills" would clarify the author’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding personal development and social skills but lacks depth in extending and supporting these ideas. For example, while the author mentions that video games can enhance creativity, they do not provide specific examples or studies that support this claim. Additionally, the comparison with cooking is somewhat weak and could be better articulated.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should provide specific examples or evidence to support their claims. This could include citing studies that show the benefits of video games or providing detailed examples of hobbies that enhance social skills. Expanding on each point with more depth and clarity will make the argument more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the benefits of video games versus other hobbies. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing addiction to video games without clearly linking it back to the overall argument about personal development and social skills.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the main argument. It may be helpful to include topic sentences that clearly indicate how each point contributes to the overall comparison. Additionally, avoiding tangential discussions about addiction without a clear connection to the main argument will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it can be improved by providing a more balanced comparison, clearer language, deeper support for ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument comparing the benefits of video games and other hobbies. It begins with a general statement about the perception of video games, followed by two main points: personal development and social skills. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing personal development to social skills lacks a clear linking sentence that ties the two concepts together, which can disrupt the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that outline the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "In contrast") can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. For example, the first paragraph mixes personal development and social skills without a clear separation, which can confuse the reader about the main point of each paragraph. The final paragraph serves as a conclusion but could be more developed to summarize the key arguments presented.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a single clear focus. Consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new idea or contrasting point. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the arguments made in the body paragraphs and reinforce the writer’s opinion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "however" and "in contrast," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel abrupt or disconnected. For instance, the phrase "this also means that they don’t stay at home" could benefit from a clearer connection to the previous sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "moreover," "consequently"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence. For example, when introducing a contrasting idea, explicitly state how it relates to the previous point to enhance the flow of ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and persuasiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "personal development," "creativity," and "problem-solving skills." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "doing activities" and "people should spend their time or money." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the essay’s lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more varied vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "doing activities," you might use "engaging in pursuits" or "participating in hobbies." Additionally, try to diversify your word choice when discussing similar concepts, such as using "enhance" or "cultivate" instead of always saying "improve."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them the most in term of personal development." The phrase is awkward and unclear. The word "contend" is not used correctly here, as it implies a dispute rather than support. Furthermore, "in term of" should be "in terms of."
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "individuals contend with people," you could say "individuals should prioritize activities that benefit them." Additionally, ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and convey your intended meaning clearly. Regularly reviewing vocabulary and practicing its application in different contexts can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "foul languages" (should be "foul language") and "sport activity" (should be "sports activities"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading routine. After writing, take a break and then review your work with fresh eyes. You can also use spell-check tools or write practice essays to familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words. Additionally, reading more can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, focusing on vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the quality of your writing and potentially raise your band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("It is argued that playing video games is a waste of time") and compound sentences ("However, this activity does not provide the practical application of these skills most of the time unlike cooking"). However, the use of complex sentences is limited, and some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, "According to my opinion, I would side with individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them the most in term of personal development and social skills" is convoluted and could be simplified for better understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For instance, instead of saying "people should make use of that time and money on healthier hobbies," you could say, "While some argue that video games are a waste of time, I believe that they can be beneficial if balanced with healthier hobbies." This not only diversifies the structure but also clarifies the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "individuals contend with people doing activities which benefits them" should be "individuals who engage in activities that benefit them." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and a period at the end of the sentence "but they can go outside and talk to many people in the." The phrase "in the" is incomplete and should be revised for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement (e.g., "activities which benefits" should be "activities that benefit") and ensure that all sentences are complete. Practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors can also help. Furthermore, familiarize yourself with punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, to enhance clarity and flow.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is often argued that engaging in video games is a waste of time, and that individuals should utilize that time and resources on more beneficial pursuits. In my opinion, I concur with those who advocate for activities that benefit them most in terms of personal development and social skills.

In terms of personal development, video games, encompassing a diverse range of genres, can enhance people’s creativity and problem-solving skills. However, this activity does not always provide the practical application of these skills, unlike cooking. In cooking, individuals not only read and comprehend the recipe steps but also attempt to execute them. Similarly, this activity can enhance individuals’ creative skills by encouraging them to experiment with new techniques, while also developing their problem-solving abilities as they navigate challenges in the kitchen. As a result, pursuing other hobbies that can enhance personal development is often more beneficial than solely playing video games.

Moreover, video games can impact the way people communicate with others. Excessive play can lead to addiction, which may prevent players from meeting and interacting with others, and can even result in developing proficiency in profanity. While players can communicate with others during gameplay, these conversations typically revolve around video games. In contrast, participating in sports activities at a club allows individuals to meet new people and engage in meaningful conversations. This not only encourages them to venture outdoors but also helps them interact with numerous individuals, leading to enhanced social skills.

Therefore, I completely agree with those who believe that people should spend their time and money on engaging in other beneficial hobbies.